My mum has Alzheimer's and started having episodes where she doesn't recognise dad. She rings me or my sister saying there is a strange man in the house. When we talked to 'the man' we were able to reassure her it was dad. This has progressed to her saying that she isn't married to dad and hasn't seen him for years so he needs to move out of 'her' house because she doesn't want to be married to him. This always seems to happen in the evenings because she doesn't want to go to bed with him in the house. Some times dad can leave the house and come back and it will be forgotten but other times she will not be talked around. I know we are not supposed to contradict what she says and go along with things but I don't see how we can agree that Dad shouldn't live there. Anyone had a similar problem?
Mum doesn't recognise Dad
- Thread starter Daughter#2
- Start date
Yes, my Mum and Dad went through this too.
Part of the problem is likely to be sun-downing. Mum's behaviour in the early stages of AD / VasD often got extremely difficult - angry, irrational, fearful, delusional - from about midday onwards. The psychiatrist changing her medication helped a bit.
During later stages of the disease Mum became calmer about having this strange man in her house but she still wasn't 100% happy about it.
Part of the problem is likely to be sun-downing. Mum's behaviour in the early stages of AD / VasD often got extremely difficult - angry, irrational, fearful, delusional - from about midday onwards. The psychiatrist changing her medication helped a bit.
During later stages of the disease Mum became calmer about having this strange man in her house but she still wasn't 100% happy about it.
Hi Daughter#2, welcome to TP
I had to put up with not being recognised for a while, me and the "other" people in the house (who don't actually exist), it went on for a while but did stop.
To cope every time I wasn't recognised and started to kick off I offered her something nice like a biscuit, cup of tea, cigarette anything to distract her. Eventually she came to see me as someone she liked although she'd didn't and still hasn't any real idea who I am, what I'm called or what our relationship is, currently I'm being called by her oldest brother's name.
I would say that people take this happening differently, some are devastated that they're no longer recognised and take it deeply and personally, I was aware this might happen and although it's not what anyone would want I can accept it's one of the things that may happen and in my case did so I don't take it personally.
The "other" people that lived in the house turned out to be reflections in the mirrors, we have several and when she saw her or my reflection she perceived it to be another, different person, she couldn't even recognise her own reflection and wanted "that woman" out of our house, in the end I took them down and I've noticed that the EMI care homes I've been in don't have mirrors either.
On here we say that "you have to live in their world because they can't live in ours" and it's true, your mum's reality is every bit as real to her as our reality is to us so there's little point in correcting.
Last bit, "Anyone had a similar problem? " yes, loads of people on here have, it's really very common for this to happen and can be very difficult to deal with.
K
I had to put up with not being recognised for a while, me and the "other" people in the house (who don't actually exist), it went on for a while but did stop.
To cope every time I wasn't recognised and started to kick off I offered her something nice like a biscuit, cup of tea, cigarette anything to distract her. Eventually she came to see me as someone she liked although she'd didn't and still hasn't any real idea who I am, what I'm called or what our relationship is, currently I'm being called by her oldest brother's name.
I would say that people take this happening differently, some are devastated that they're no longer recognised and take it deeply and personally, I was aware this might happen and although it's not what anyone would want I can accept it's one of the things that may happen and in my case did so I don't take it personally.
The "other" people that lived in the house turned out to be reflections in the mirrors, we have several and when she saw her or my reflection she perceived it to be another, different person, she couldn't even recognise her own reflection and wanted "that woman" out of our house, in the end I took them down and I've noticed that the EMI care homes I've been in don't have mirrors either.
On here we say that "you have to live in their world because they can't live in ours" and it's true, your mum's reality is every bit as real to her as our reality is to us so there's little point in correcting.
Last bit, "Anyone had a similar problem? " yes, loads of people on here have, it's really very common for this to happen and can be very difficult to deal with.
K
Thank you for your reply, I read about sun-downing and it does seem to apply to mum. I think we just need to persuade Dad to handle it in a different way.
Thank you for the advice, I will definitely pass on to Dad to try the distraction technic rather than trying to reassure her who he is. It must be terribly hard not to be recognised and asked to leave your own home but as its part of the illness I understand that we must accept it and try to work around these problems.
When my husband was sundowning he wanted to go home to his real wife and real family. It was impossible for me to distract him but we were lucky our son lived a five minute walk away and he usually walked in his direction.
In all the times my husband didn`t know me , not once was he confused about our son.
In all the times my husband didn`t know me , not once was he confused about our son.
It's the same with mum, when she is in this state with Dad she still knows me and my sister and brothers. Even just recognising our voices on the phone. It's so difficult to know what to say to her because all the advice is to go along with what they are saying but then if we do she will expect Dad to leave. This disease is a terrible thing and so many people seem to be suffering from it.
Could your dad say he will leave `tomorrow`. I used `tomorrow` for nearly everything connected with sundowning. It was either too late, too dark, no buses or trains etc. Of course tomorrow never came.
It didn`t always work but it was my best strategy.
It didn`t always work but it was my best strategy.
Thank you for the tip, I will ask Dad to try saying he'll leave tomorrow. If it's earlier on in the day he usually just pops out and when he comes back she's pleased to see him and all is forgotten. The issue arises when it's late in the evening when he doesn't want to have to turn out but as you say he could say that he'll go tomorrow.
My mum seems to get like this in the evening so recently I have tried putting her to bed earlier when i feel she is 'changing'. Her eyes start to glaze over, it's a bit like the Incredible Hulk appears.
Doesn't always work and have her in bed shouting but it has helped on some days.
Hi, we have exactly the same situation with my Mum, in fact I could have written your post myself. Both my parents have AD but it's just my Mum that has the recognition issue - not always recognising my Dad, sometimes insistent they are not married and sometimes getting very distressed about it. Other times she knows exactly who he is.
We had real issues with this a few months ago to the point where we were starting to think we should maybe separate them but the CPN suggested a mild anti-depressant might help and this does seem to have calmed things down. The issue hasn't gone away - Mum still doesn't always recognise him - but it's not as frequent and she isn't getting as upset about it.
I think it is quite a common thing sadly. It was something I hadn't anticipated at all as I assumed that the person Mum was with the most was the person she would recognise for longest but this doesn't seem to be the case. At the moment she still knows who I am which is good but I expect this might change with time too
We had real issues with this a few months ago to the point where we were starting to think we should maybe separate them but the CPN suggested a mild anti-depressant might help and this does seem to have calmed things down. The issue hasn't gone away - Mum still doesn't always recognise him - but it's not as frequent and she isn't getting as upset about it.
I think it is quite a common thing sadly. It was something I hadn't anticipated at all as I assumed that the person Mum was with the most was the person she would recognise for longest but this doesn't seem to be the case. At the moment she still knows who I am which is good but I expect this might change with time too