Live in carer to cover my holidays - concerns

[Marnie63]

As hard as it is to imagine that everything will run smoothly, and that mum will not be very difficult (considering there will be a stranger living in our home) I have gone ahead and booked a live in carer via the (very good) agency which provides the visiting carers. One session is for a weekend away next month, effectively three days, and two nights, and I will be abroad. The second session for a total of 9 days in October as I'm away for a full week (but in UK this time). I've gone for live in care as there are absolutely no respite places to be had in this part of the south east.

I am really, really worried that I am going to get a call saying "we can't cope, come come", even though the agency says it will all be fine. After a few fairly settled months, mum is now back to paranoia, suspicion and fear, great timing for my holidays! I am going to see her GP soon to discuss meds and maybe add or adjust something to help us through this period.

My instinct is to get on with the holidays - pack my bags, stock up with food, leave instructions/do handover, and just go. If all hell breaks loose at home, then I'll deal with it (but in the meantime will have the reassurance that she has one to one support at home).

Has anyone had any difficult episodes with live in carers? I am assured by the agency they will select someone with suitable experience, but based on the fact that hospitals and day centres have called me in the past to say they can't cope, I have good cause to worry.

I could just cancel the holidays, but I NEED those holidays to recharge and try to carry on at home, for just a little longer ....

Any views?

 

[WORRIER123]

I was thinking the same as you
I think a live in carer better than thought of putting dad in somewhere.
He doesn't really like any carer that comes so he'd hate a live in but I am desperate for a holiday now. Do the live in carers take them out etc... Just wandering what else they do all day.
Good for you

 

[irismary]

Hi Marnie. No experience but if the agency say they can cope take them at their word go on holiday recharge those batteries and try not to worry. So easy to say but not easy to do I know.

 

[Marnie63]

Worrier - yes, I think the live in would take people out, I guess they will do whatever is requested. By the way, I have been reading your posts on JP's thread, and yes, agree, you do need a holiday! But, as ever, and as irismary says, it's all much easier said than done.

One of the holidays (the longer one) was actually booked last summer, before mum got really bad. I had a week away in April, and now this one due in October (which I will hopefully make). When the relevant brochure comes out later in the year, I will probably book something for next April and next October. God only knows where we'll be by then, but at least it will give me something to look forward to, and plan for.

 

[WORRIER123]

Good for you. I was used to 4 holidays a year a luxury I know but I worked for my holidays. Now nothing and think I have built a rod for my own back and the longer I don't go away the harder it's getting as I dread what I would come back to.
Yes the rant post ha ha we all have a good rant and feel better.

 

[Georgina63]

Have experience

Hi Marnie
Earlier this year, when mum and dad were having a couple of care visits a day for mum, we arranged for a live in carer whilst we were away for a week. It was a private arrangement, with a carer recommended by a family member. We met her beforehand and felt comfortable that she was suited to the job (both parents with AD, mum more advanced than dad). Long story short, week went ok but on the last night, there was an altercation, dad hit carer, police called and all sorts of complications followed. With hindsight, the carer lacked the right experience and understanding and wasn't able
to diffuse the situation. Subsequently, to enable mum and dad to live at home (by this stage mum classed as vulnerable adult) we introduced a team of Carers through SS that dad was comfortable with and didn't feel threatened by. I guess my advice is, get to meet the carer, ask questions about how they would handle certain situations, what the back up strategy is etc. Hope that helps, don't mean to worry you, just be thorough in
choice of carer. Gx

 

[Marnie63]

Thanks Georgina, that's very helpful information (if a bit unsettling!). I'm sorry your parents had such an experience with their live in carer.

I am heartened by the fact that all the carers who have so far visited from the agency that I use have been very, very good. Some seem to have more idea and experience in dealing with a very confused and frightened lady than others, but I guess that's just life. I've got a lady coming to spend all day with mum this Sunday (well, 9 hours while I go out for the day!), and the agency have told me that this is the one they are considering for my weekend in September. So I will have a little bit of time with her in the morning, and we'll see how that goes. I think the one for the longer stint may be recruited from overseas by the agency (I have a specific language requirement for mum), so not sure if it will be possible to meet her before hand or not, though she is due to arrive for a 12 hour stint before I actually leave for holiday, for a proper briefing and handover from me. I also plan to put together a detailed file with all relevant information.

I am going to see mum's and my GP (same guy) in a few weeks to ask for suitable meds that can be given to her to calm her, if things start to get out of hand (I have Lorazepam and Risperidone in the house, but don't currently use them as don't need to when she's just with me - need to ask GP which is the lesser of the evils!). Mum is 90, going on 91, so am just very conscious of side effects and making her drowsy, causing a fall, etc. I absolutely don't want her to ever go back into a hospital, if I can help it, as I had some horrendous experiences at the end of last year. And that's one of my worries too - that something will happen when I'm away and they will call for an ambulance, and then off she goes to the world of 'we are hospitals but we have no bl**dy idea of how to care for peope with dementia'). Sorry, am ranting now and going off topic!

I guess I'm just trying to cover off everything I can before my breaks. It all takes so much effort and organisation, on top of the normal day to day caring. It would be much easier to cancel the trips, if I didn't look forward to them so much!

 

[Georgina63]

Thanks Georgina, that's very helpful information (if a bit unsettling!). I'm sorry your parents had such an experience with their live in carer.

I am heartened by the fact that all the carers who have so far visited from the agency that I use have been very, very good. Some seem to have more idea and experience in dealing with a very confused and frightened lady than others, but I guess that's just life. I've got a lady coming to spend all day with mum this Sunday (well, 9 hours while I go out for the day!), and the agency have told me that this is the one they are considering for my weekend in September. So I will have a little bit of time with her in the morning, and we'll see how that goes. I think the one for the longer stint may be recruited from overseas by the agency (I have a specific language requirement for mum), so not sure if it will be possible to meet her before hand or not, though she is due to arrive for a 12 hour stint before I actually leave for holiday, for a proper briefing and handover from me. I also plan to put together a detailed file with all relevant information.

I am going to see mum's and my GP (same guy) in a few weeks to ask for suitable meds that can be given to her to calm her, if things start to get out of hand (I have Lorazepam and Risperidone in the house, but don't currently use them as don't need to when she's just with me - need to ask GP which is the lesser of the evils!). Mum is 90, going on 91, so am just very conscious of side effects and making her drowsy, causing a fall, etc. I absolutely don't want her to ever go back into a hospital, if I can help it, as I had some horrendous experiences at the end of last year. And that's one of my worries too - that something will happen when I'm away and they will call for an ambulance, and then off she goes to the world of 'we are hospitals but we have no bl**dy idea of how to care for peope with dementia'). Sorry, am ranting now and going off topic!

I guess I'm just trying to cover off everything I can before my breaks. It all takes so much effort and organisation, on top of the normal day to day caring. It would be much easier to cancel the trips, if I didn't look forward to them so much!

We live and learn don't we? Don't cancel! I know before we last went away and mum and dad were in respite, it was like planning a military operation, and because my sister and I couldn't agree on a plan, I got close to saying I wouldn't go away.

Sounds like you've been really thorough in your planning and you already have a trusted team in place. We lacked that, although a positive thing to come out of our incident was a change of care provider which subsequently had a massive positive impact. What else can you do? Enjoy your trip and come back refreshed! Gx

 

[Slugsta]

Nooo don't cancel your trips! No-one can carry on caring 24/7 without some sort of break now and then. You both need and deserve your time away, even though you might wonder whether it is worth the effort at times.

 

[jorgieporgie]

You deserve a break Marnie go and enjoy it. xx

 

[carastro]

I haven't read any of your previous posts as I have been off the forum for a while. My feeling is that if you are caring for your mum most of the time that you need a break yourself. I would put myself out of contact and tell the agency that they will have to make their own decisions if there is a problem. It's not a break if you're going to be at the end of the telephone.

The agency must be experienced in this sort of thing and if they come regularly they will know your mum.

We looked after my MIL some years ago and Carers charity provided some-one to live with MIL while we were away including looking after our dog. We were in the Rainforest in Borneo and completely uncontactable. We had a good break and everything was fine when we got back.

The 2nd time we went away, we came back to find MIL in hospital (it's some years ago now but I think it was a medical reason), but the carer still stayed in the house looking after everything until we got back to let us know what was happening.

Have a nice break and let the agency cope.

Carole

 

[Marnie63]

Thanks all for your words of encouragement! I certainly do want to go away for my breaks, and fully intend to. I am however a bit of a control freak and worrier! I have learned over the past few months that it's very hard to 'control' dementia though, so you just have to try/do your best, and get on with things and with life.

I do hope that 10 months' worth of experience with one care agency means that they know enough about mum through their carers to be able to cope. That, and with meds available as back up (assuming she will take them from a stranger!), I should be OK.

I think it's a good idea to tell them that they have to 'get on with it' and not phone in very often, otherwise it will be no rest for me.

I am certainly looking forward to a glass or two of something nice when I do get away! I have definitely earned it, even if I do say so myself.

 

[doodle1]

Hiya
We have had live in care for almost three years now. I am on my 13 th carer. This sounds horrendous but in fact the first agency changed carers every two weeks ,then I changed agency and we have had much more continuity but every long term carer needs a break even for a few days and you don't always get the same one. Points I would make : 1) language is important they must be fluent in your mothers native language - mum is British so we have had South africans,English and New Zealanders.
2) get the meds sorted . Mum was violent towards my dad when we started but a very low dose of Risperadone helped and didn't zone her out.
3) get the food sorted eg a Tesco delivery or some ready meals by M&S or cook or whoever so that the carer can concentrate on your mum.
4) stick a list of useful phone numbers on the fridge from the gp ,mental health etc to gas board and where all the stopcocks/ fuse boards are.also stick the DNR there if you have it cos that's where the ambulance crew look for it
5) go with your gut instinct - the agency should send you a profile of the carer - if it doesn't feel right it won't be right .i made the mistake twice!
6)the carer will take your mum out if she wants to go - will a car be insured for her? How will she take your mum out? Have physical maps available.
7) try and write down in excruciatingly minute detail your Mother's Day and how you deal with her- any tips will be gratefully received. My mum says no to everything so we have ways to jolly her along
I hope this is useful. I would also say grit your teeth and go away . You will be a much better carer on your return. I speak from 6 years at the coal face having two parents with Alzheimer's and various medical issues , being an only child etc. I have wiped both my parents bums so although we now have live in care I am still 500 yards away and am the first emergency service .
Big hugs