Mum going into care today

[Darrell.70]

Although I know it's in her best interests I can't help feeling all the emotions today. Mum would never agree to go into care but after several meetings with social services it was agreed she no longer had capacity. I've just been it pieces all week knowing what's happening when mum didn't have a clue. My brother is dropping her off as I just could handle seeing her upset and mad at us all for putting her there. It's not her going into care it's the taking the decision away from her I find the hardest


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[canary]

Yes Darrell, thats it in a nut-shell

When we were young our patents told us what to do. Then when we were older we asked them what they would like, discussed it as equals, but still respected their decision. It is hard to make the transition into us telling them what they need, not being able to discuss it rationally with them and then going ahead anyway even if its not what they want (because it is what they need).

 

[Georgina63]

I so feel for you. Have meeting shortly to make the same decision for one or both of my folks. You can only do what you believe is in their best interests I guess even though it's so distressing. Sometimes the right decisions are upsetting and difficult, but ultimately the right one. All the best. Georgina X

 

[Darrell.70]

Thanks for the support just had a text from my brother mum has taken it well though don't think she realises where she is we told her a little white lie about the memory clinic wanting to assess her which is not that far off at least she settled for now


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[Quilty]

Hello. I had to do this for my mum. Its hard but you need to visit with a big smile. I told my mum the doctor decided she needed help until she was better and had found her a place where she could rest and get better. It was always until she was better. Telling her forever wont help either of you. Love lies we call them here. My mum thought she was living in a hitel. I never said "care home".

 

[betsie]

Hi Darrell
I was inconsolable after I dropped my mum at the carehome in March. I told her it was a hotel she was staying in for a week whist I went on holiday.
I can honestly say it is the best decision I could have made. She has put on loads of weight, made lots of friends, is much less anxious and always happy to go back when I take her out. Most importantly she is safe and has people to help her 24/7.
Mum has never asked when she is going home or where she is. She has just accepted it.

This is from a women who said she would kill herself if I ever put her in a care home.
When I took her back yesterday after a trip out, she gave one of her friends a kiss, waved at some sitting in the lounge and had a giggle with one of the staff.

Your mum has a terminal illness that has progressed to the point she needs professional care day and night. You are doing what is best to keep her happy, healthy and safe.
I'm sure you will feel much happier after your first visit. I hope she settles well.

 

[Darrell.70]

Hi Betsie

Just been for our first visit and mum has been settled and enjoying her stay she thinks she's away on holiday. Not sure if we over stayed our first visit as the longer we were there mum started asking questions and become agitated by the time we left she was a bit frosty. I know it's only been a couple of days since she went in but she doesn't remember my brother taking her said she had got there on a coach with them all, makes me realised although it's hard it's the best place for her although she doesn't realise where she is, small steps required. I'm still struggling feeling guilty about leave her there and then going about my normal day to day stuff but I know I need to find a way as she appears to be having fun when I'm not there hard not wanting to go visit all the time but I have to do what's best for her.




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[cragmaid]

If you can logistically, make your visits short and sweet.... It's no good saying " Just called in for a few minutes Mum" and then staying for two hours....Mum will expect long visits all the time; pop in for coffee, nip in to watch her soap with her, time your visits to coincide with meal times...I mean half an hour before lunch for example, so that you can leave when she is called in to the dining room. Take her out to a cafe or perhaps a Garden Centre and again get back for meal times.
Your guilt ( such as it is ....knock the guilt monkey off your shoulders You have nothing to be guilty about) should ease as you see that Mum settles and is looking forward to activities.
Regards...Maureen .x

 

[Georgina63]

Helpful

Reading through the posts on here is helping me prepare for tomorrow when I will be taking my mum and dad to a care home. A daunting prospect, but we can no longer sustain mum living at home, and where mum goes, dad goes! We are not sure he's quite ready, but time will tell. Hope it's working out for you all. Wish us luck. Georgina x

 

[Darrell.70]

Your right Georgina63 it does help to read the post's from so many lovely people and to know your not alone dementia I am finding is horrible and although you can't stop it with help and support you find ways to cope and come to terms with it. I know we still have a long road ahead with mum but know if I have any questions I can ask on here stay strong and good luck this week


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[Georgina63]

Your right Georgina63 it does help to read the post's from so many lovely people and to know your not alone dementia I am finding is horrible and although you can't stop it with help and support you find ways to cope and come to terms with it. I know we still have a long road ahead with mum but know if I have any questions I can ask on here stay strong and good luck this week


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Thanks Darrell, hope all goes well with your mum. Gx