Looking for Help and Advice.

[NatB123]

Hi everyone. As you can see I'm new on here.

To give you a bit of background as of Friday last week I am now the main carer for my Grandma. She went into hospital after the neighbours found her laying on her lawn in the back garden after she had been pulling weeds up in the midday sun on the hottest day of the year!
Before this I used to go round to see her a couple of times a week and although I could see that her condition was getting worse I think I buried my head in the sand that she was still ok and going into hospital was the kick that I needed to make me realise I needed to do something to help.

Whilst in hospital she was happy to do everything that the Nurses said. Get dressed , eat, sleep etc. The nurses told me that although she needed prompts to do these things she could do them by herself. Since she has been home it has become evident that this is not the case and that she requires more help than I originally thought. I am happy to do this for her and have been helping her dress, making her meals for her and helping with her cleaning.

The problem I am coming across is the showering. She is happy to take her tablets when I tell her she needs to, or eat her dinner when I have cooked it for her, or even take a sip of her drink when I point out that she hasn't drank anything in a while. But as soon as I mention the shower I have a battle on my hands. I have been shouted and screamed at, punched, spat at and had things thrown at me and last night she tried to pull out her own hair in frustration.
I thought maybe it was embarrassment that she did not want her Granddaughter helping her shower so have tried sitting outside the bathroom door so that she can just shout if she needs me but nothing I have tried gets her in the shower without heartache for both of us.
Last night I managed to get her in the shower by pretending I was ringing the hospital and they said that she needed to go in the shower but there was still shouting and swearing about it!

Does anyone have any suggestions about ways to get her to have a shower or bath without it being such a distressing time for her?

I was also wondering if anyone had any articles I can read or knew of any training I could attend to help me know how to deal with situations/the tone of voice I should use and how not to let the situation stress me out so that I can stay calm for her.

Any help or advice would be so much appreciated right now

Thank You in advance.

 

[Boronia]

showering

Dear NatB123,
I had a similar problem with my mother. From December last year until March this year, she did not have a bath or a shower - and that was through the heat of a subtropical Australian summer.

I was able to wash her face and hands and clean her teeth in the morning and also about 75% of the time, I was allowed to give her a bird bath in the evening - face, hands and her private area. As Mum did so little, she really did not smell of perspiration at all, and Mum's doctor was happy with that.

Trying to shower Mum was mentally and physically exhausting and left us both in tears - which I am certain is your situation with your grandmother.

Can I ask you what assistance you are getting? Please find out what support you are able to receive in order to help you look after your grandmother. In my case, because I managed Mum's hygiene so well, I did not get the help I needed as early as I might have.

Now, to support my mother, we have people from Mum's care agency who come three times a week to help her have a shower She has a bird bath for the other days.

She will grumble to me that she does not want these people turning up, my response is that she enjoys their company, and I mention the name of the person, and perhaps discuss what clothes she would like to wear for the rest of the day. I don't sympathize with her, just jolly her along.

The moment they enter the house, I hand her straight over to the carer - then I go and sit down or make her bed, lay out her clothes, make a cup of tea - whatever else I need/want to do.

The carers have ranged from people with many years of experience to the two young mums who share her shower care now. They talk about their children, their nail polish, in fact, anything at all. She is in and out of the shower and dressed before she knows it, and then she is busy trying to stand at the doorway to wave her lovely girl off (to the next client).

My point is that your grandmother may resist for a variety of reasons - loss of dignity or simply that she doesn't feel she is dirty. Or it could be something like the sensation of water coming down from a height onto her. I have had the bathroom modified to have grab rails everywhere, a seat in the shower stall and the height of the shower head has been changed down to a height where Mum feels comfortable about the water.

Try a bird bath instead of a shower, don't struggle with your grandmother and please find out about what help is available for her support.

Cheers,
Boronia
PS welcome to Talking Point. There is a wonderful community of people here. I have learnt so much from them.

 

[fizzie]

Hi there
Welcome to talking point x
You have filled in a lot of the gaps already - well done you. This is really useful

http://www.ocagingservicescollabora...te-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired.pdf

There are a number of practical things that will help you -
if grandma is incontinent then look up your local NHS trust continence service you can get free pads - useful info for later if not now!

Attendance Allowance - if you are not getting it then it would be a good idea to apply but while you are looking at that then speak to Age UK 0800 169 2081 - they have volunteers who are trained and will come and do a benefits check and help you fill in the forms (they are tricky forms and to get the best it is worth giving age UK a ring.

Council Tax waiver - under the section for severe mental impairment (dementia) she should be due for no council tax if she is living alone or a reduction if another is living there - phone your local council - the form has to go the GP for signing so you will need to keep chasing

For yourself, see if there is a local carers cafe - you will get lots of local info there which is soooooo useful

You are entitled to a carers assessment and grandma can have a social care assessment - possibly a day centre would be a good idea -you can discuss that with social services - then maybe she could have her shower there!!

Your idea of the doctor was good - I could never get mum to have a shower - people with dementia sometimes get an overload of sensory information and find it frightening!!

I'm in a rush but you are doing really well!! keep posting x

 

[Beate]

You have to figure out what it is your Grandma doesn't like about showering. Is it modesty, fear of water coming from above, the room temperature? The bathroom should be warm and inviting. Try not to shower from above but with a handheld shower. Would she prefer a bath? If she doesn't want to get wet, try soft wet wipes. It looks like your mother reacts to authority. Could you get her a morning carer in a nurse's uniform? Lastly, remember that unless she is incontinent she won't need a daily shower. Try not to make a big deal out of it.

Don't struggle on alone. Contact Adult Social Services for a needs assessment for her and a carers assessment for yourself. I'm surprised that she was allowed to leave hospital without any kind of care package in place. Did no one pick up on her vulnerability?

Here is an article on compassionate communication: http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired

 

[NatB123]

Thank You all for your replies. It really helps having people in similar situations to give advice.

I will read the articles and see what information I can pick up for them also.

With regards to a care package, the hospital referred her to the Social Services but from the information the nurses gave to the Social Services the lady said she just needed one half an hour visit in the morning to remind her to bathe and take her tablets and then one half an hour again at night to make sure she had eaten and taken her tablets.
My Grandma has a boyfriend (really sweet, she's 87 and he's 76!) and he said that he would go and sit with her in the day to make sure she was ok if I went up in the morning and at night to prompt her to do the more important things. The Social Services were happy with this and were happy for the hospital to discharge her but since being home it has become apparent that with certain things she doesn't just need prompting she needs help.
You are correct that she seems to like authority so maybe a nurse in a uniform just for the bathing/washing would be an idea and then I could do the meals and remind her to take her tablets.

I had looked into the Attendance Allowance but found the form so confusing so its really helpful to know that I can ask for help with that! And also Thank You about the council tax I didn't even realise that was something that we could do.

Next time we tackle the shower/bath situation I will take your advice and try to work out what it is that she doesn't like about it, maybe that way I can make it less frightening for her with some of the suggestions.

Thank You again for all of your replies, I can already see that this community is going to be a great help to me

 

[NatB123]

I have just read the links provided and they are so helpful. Thank you ever so much.

Being new to all of this I must admit that I'm guilty of some of the Don'ts.
I spent a lot of time in the hospital trying to pass the time by asking about what she'd had for dinner or if she'd seen the nurses etc. And am definitely guilty of reasoning when it came to getting in the shower last night, maybe even to the point of arguing.

Now I have read through the information it has made me see where I need to improve. So Thank You again for posting the link

 

[henfenywfach]

Hi everyone. As you can see I'm new on here.

To give you a bit of background as of Friday last week I am now the main carer for my Grandma. She went into hospital after the neighbours found her laying on her lawn in the back garden after she had been pulling weeds up in the midday sun on the hottest day of the year!
Before this I used to go round to see her a couple of times a week and although I could see that her condition was getting worse I think I buried my head in the sand that she was still ok and going into hospital was the kick that I needed to make me realise I needed to do something to help.

Whilst in hospital she was happy to do everything that the Nurses said. Get dressed , eat, sleep etc. The nurses told me that although she needed prompts to do these things she could do them by herself. Since she has been home it has become evident that this is not the case and that she requires more help than I originally thought. I am happy to do this for her and have been helping her dress, making her meals for her and helping with her cleaning.

The problem I am coming across is the showering. She is happy to take her tablets when I tell her she needs to, or eat her dinner when I have cooked it for her, or even take a sip of her drink when I point out that she hasn't drank anything in a while. But as soon as I mention the shower I have a battle on my hands. I have been shouted and screamed at, punched, spat at and had things thrown at me and last night she tried to pull out her own hair in frustration.
I thought maybe it was embarrassment that she did not want her Granddaughter helping her shower so have tried sitting outside the bathroom door so that she can just shout if she needs me but nothing I have tried gets her in the shower without heartache for both of us.
Last night I managed to get her in the shower by pretending I was ringing the hospital and they said that she needed to go in the shower but there was still shouting and swearing about it!

Does anyone have any suggestions about ways to get her to have a shower or bath without it being such a distressing time for her?

I was also wondering if anyone had any articles I can read or knew of any training I could attend to help me know how to deal with situations/the tone of voice I should use and how not to let the situation stress me out so that I can stay calm for her.

Any help or advice would be so much appreciated right now

Thank You in advance.

Hi

I'm my dad's carer and he's not accepted help with certain thing until recently.

Firstly I'd say go on a dementia friends session which raises awareness and a carers assessment for you important.

Look at the bathroom through her eyes..If perception is affected..If the showers glossy and white..she might see her reflection in it...I would refuse to get into a shower with someone else in there...maybe if the colours are not helpful she can't actually see the buttons..The floor taps or toilet..hoe can you use something you can't find or if her memory is on her bookcase in her 30s or 40s...what is a shower and why is she in a strange house place??? ..did her mother always make a fuss at Bath time did she fall when younger...look at the room ..how she's communicating...aggression is the person trying to communicate...maybe she's seen someone in there...or is afraid. What was her routine previously??

Hope this helps
Best wishes

 

[Shedrech]

Hi NatB123
please get on to your Grandma's LA Adult Services as soon as you can - ask for an assessment of her care needs, and let them know that a care package really should have been set up on discharge from hospital but you and her partner just weren't aware of the extent of her needs and thought you could cope, but you now realise you need support
It's lovely that you are so willing to help your Grandma - but you can't take this on on your own
for local support have a look here https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents.php?categoryID=200121&_ga=1.157949433.213745934.1462100281
best wishes

 

[NatB123]

Thank You everyone for your replies. Sorry its took me such a long time to reply, I have been trying to put into action your suggestions.

I have arranged for an appointment with the Social Services to do a carers assessment and everything seemed really positive. I even got to her house one day after work to see that her hair was lovely and clean and she had been in the shower. After speaking to her boyfriend she had taken it upon herself to have a shower and change her clothes, he hadn't even suggested it to her!

Yesterday I allowed myself my first day off since she came out of hospital as I had to stay late at work. Her boyfriend agreed to go and see her all day and I had arranged for a hairdresser to go up and do her hair for her.

About 5pm I had a phone call off a lady (where she was from escapes me now) saying that the doctor had been out to see my Grandma to do a routine visit and was very concerned about her. She said 'I don't know if you are aware but there seems to be some confusion on your Grandmas part'....Yes, funnily enough I was aware of that! She said they had no next of kin details so had been visiting the neighbours to find out who was the next of kin and that because they thought she was totally alone had the Red Cross put an emergency Nursing Home on standby.

I explained to the lady the care that she had in place at the minute and that her boyfriend was supposed to have been with her all day, the doctor said that she was alone when he got there and she had cut her arm but obviously couldn't remember how.

I called the hairdresser and she confirmed that when she went round at 4pm her boyfriend was there but as soon as she turned up he left. He had given my Grandma her tablets (the ones she's supposed to have before bed) and asked her if she wanted any dinner, she gave the reply I'm not hungry I've just had breakfast, as she does every time she is offered dinner. But instead of making it for her anyway he left her at 4pm with no dinner and, from what I can gather from the hairdresser, he didn't go back for the rest of the night.

Her boyfriend is the one that keeps pushing for us not to have carers or the Social Services involved saying 'We can do this' right now I feel like its the royal 'we' seeing as there is only me who is actually sticking to my side of the bargain! When he tells me he goes to sit with her all day I now realise that this is probably made up. So unfortunately for him no amount of begging is going to change my mind. 'We' need some help!

Sorry to moan, from reading posts on here I know that there are some fantastic people on here who are doing this all alone anyway. It just annoys me, if he doesn't want to do it he should just say, then I could have done things the way I wanted in the first place!! I have one day where I don't go to see her and now wish I hadn't have bothered as it was more stressful than a normal day!!

 

[canary]

You are doing really well, but, oh my! Id be really annoyed with that boyfriend

Is there a day centre she could go to? I think she would really enjoy it and she could get a meal there too. She may say initially that she doesnt want to go, mind, but I think it would help everyone if it could be arranged.

 

[NatB123]

Thank You I am very annoyed with him he seems to be burying his head in the sand and seems to think she is fine!

A day centre would be absolutely brilliant, I'm a bit new to all of this so how do I find one that is for people with dementia?
She would most certainly say she didn't want to go and I have a feeling her boyfriend would too but I'm now at the point where I don't actually care for his opinion on things!!

He's requested to see me tonight so it should be interesting to see what he's got to say for himself

 

[Beetroot]

I love the "we". I have an nvisible close family member who does nothing yet talks about "we". Anyway, your local alzheimer's society office will have details of day centres - at least their own; your local council will provide centres, so you could call and ask or have a look at their web site.

 

[NatB123]

Its amazing isn't it, they do nothing but happily say 'we' care for her!!

That's great, thank you so much. I will have a look into it.

This forum really is the greatest thing, its so good to have people who understand what you're going through and can give you advice on where to look for things .

 

[Georgina63]

Well done NatB123. Sounds like you are doing a brilliant job. If you stick to what you believe is best you can't go far wrong. A couple of your comments made me smile. My mums neighbour once told me how worried she was about my mum after she wandered into her house, asking what would happen if she wandered onto a main road (we live in a quiet village) asking if she was taking medication (as if that would possibly be a cure?) and had I read 'Still Alice'! Unbelievable!! Almost as if I hadn't noticed at all that my Mum had dementia! And as for unhelpful help.....don't get me started! Sorry you have the complication of the boyfriend. Get all the help you can, it is out there and sounds like you're looking for it. Look after you too! Georgina X

 

[Shedrech]

Hi NatB123
any help?
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/custom_scripts/branch.php?branch=true&branchCode=13767&areaBC=EAEM
http://www.nottinghamshire.gov.uk/care/adult-social-care

 

[NatB123]

Thank You Shedrech, those links are great. I know there's lots of help out there but knowing where to start looking is overwhelming! I've just had a quick look on both of them and there was lots of useful information.
I also noticed that my local memory walk still has some places so I think I might sign myself up to that too, try and raise some money to fight this awful disease.

Georgina63, your story made me laugh! Its funny to think that people think somehow you might have missed it! I'm sure they're just trying to help but do they really think we haven't noticed the change in my Grandma or your Mum?!

As for the boyfriend, I'm sure he thinks he's making things easier but he's really not! He's 76, so doesn't work and sits at home all day. He told me that he would instead go and sit at her house all day whilst I was at work so we knew that she was safe and, until last night, I believed he was doing it. Maybe when my Grandma was saying she'd been on her own most of the day she was telling me the truth and wasn't confused about it at all!!