What would other people do ?

[Morganlefay]

My OH has only just started being noticably 'different' tho he was diagnosed two years ago. He has trouble with connecting words with things, so he can never see something if I say 'It's by the kettle' etc, and is constantly losing things. He also is either going very deaf or having trouble connecting what I say with concepts - I think he just hears the sound but can't make sense of it unless I speak very slowly and ultra clearly.
In May we went on a small holiday with some friends, three days in a nice hotel in France with some wine tasting and nice meals - formerly his FAVOURITE thing. After two days he said 'When are we going home, I'm bored' I was very shocked as this had always been his really ideal way to spend time. We were then planning to move to another hotel by the sea, where we would have pottered about, enjoyed the hotel which was bang on the sea, done a bit of shopping etc etc. he seemed so grumpy that I (perhaps foolishly) siad 'If you're really unhappy, would you like to go home early ?' and he said 'yes' and cheered up markedly. We lost quite a bit of money as got charged for a night in the hotel which we weren't there for and had to pay for a more expensive Tunnel time. I was really unhappy, but he didn't notice, of course, and said 'Well there's so much to do at home' (there wasn't)
Now (to the point of this question - sorry) some time ago I booked us 10 days at a hotel in Mallorca in Sept - nice hotel, we've been before, but very small, quiet and peaceful. last time we just sat by the pool, read, swam, chatted to other guests. It was extremely soothing and relaxing, though the air travel was stressful ( I need a wheelchair/buggy as have bad knees) and the airports noisy and dreadful. I am wondering if I would be better to cancel this holiday (which I can at this stage) or risk a repeat of the French fisaco. We would not be able to come home early as flights etc harder to arrange and much more expensive, and when I tried talking to OH about it he seemed surprised that I mentioned it. But then he didn't really realise how oddly he had behaved in France. I really don't want to waste a lot of money but 10 days in a foreign hotel with him feeling resentful, bored and grumpy and iitching to be at home wouldn't be nice for either of us.
What would you do please, kind people ?

 

[Alicenutter]

Off the top of my head, and from the heart, I would say cancel... It doesn't sound like he will enjoy it, so nor will you!


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[Tin]

Personally I would cancel. but you obviously need a break with all the hassle will it really be a relaxing break for you. I look after my mum with dementia and the 'light bulb' moment for me was a weekend away, we only managed one night then packed up the car and came home, she was not relaxed could not engage and I think she found the noise just too much. I was relieved we were only 100 miles from home, but that journey home was not great, mum wanting to get out of the car all the time and for a few hours after returning she was very confused. No more travelling for us. Mine is a selfish decision, to take mum away again would definitely not be a break for me and would just increase my stress levels.

Of course it is possible that mum would be able to cope with a holiday here in the United Kingdom and may or may not enjoy it, definitely not abroad and anyway I am not brave enough to take the chance.

 

[Spamar]

Cancel, no good for either of you.
But, if you can, try to book respite. He would be looked after and you could go somewhere, or stay at home, ( don't visit, is my advise ) and enjoy yourself.

 

[GrandmaBarb]

I agree with the above posters, cancel the trip while you can still get your deposit back. Your husband will be miserable, confused and want to come home. The airport scenario will be a nightmare for both of you. Been there, done that. Holiday with my husband. Not good.

My advice would be to either hire someone to stay with your husband at home or find good respite care for him and you go on holiday without him. Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[pamann]

Hello Morganlefay, do not waste your money, the time has come for you not to take hubby away, l remember it well my last holiday was a nightmare, even just going out for the day l can no longer do. Take care

 

[irismary]

Cancel sadly. I cancelled one following OH diagnosis as it was a tour and he would have been so confused by 7 hotels in 10 days. I thought about a by the pool holiday but he would be bored and the thought of an airport and flight just fills me with dread so sadly no holidays for us. Even within uk no longer appeals - its no holiday for us as carers probably harder work then at home.

 

[Florence.]

Hi Morganlefay, yes, definitely, I would cancel while you still can. MY OH has vascular dementia and our last holiday to Spain three years had to be our last. He wasn't too bad here but the journey and strange whereabouts (even though we had been to the same place before) made him very disorientated and confused. never again.
As has been said above, could you go, if you are able and happy for your husband to go to respite? It sounds from what you say that your husbands condition has moved on from previously. It's all part of the process of changing with it as things alter. You did very well to,seek advice on TP from those who have had experience of similar events and can advise. I'm sure it will help you to make a decision.

 

[Scarlett123]

I'd second what Spamar suggested. Cancel whilst you can, and don't mention it to your hubby again. The chances are he's forgotten that you were going on holiday, so it's pointless, and probably distressing, bringing it up, with him then asking "why?".

Book some respite for him, and you could either go away or stay at home and have a good break. I wish I'd booked John into respite much earlier so that I could have recharged my batteries more often.

 

[jaymor]

Our last holiday was a cruise. Done before and always enjoyed but it was a disaster. So week in this country, again a disaster, followed this with a long weekend, again did not work. Finally a day at the nearest sea side and that was when I knew I was defeated. So in one year we went from cruise to never travelling too far from home. Half an hour car journey, hour out of car and then back into car and home was the best we could manage.

There is no point in putting yourself through the trauma when you come out the other end absolutely rung out by it. Try days out with no sleeping away from home. It was my greatest sadness that we had to give up our holidays. My husband worked so hard he deserved his holidays.

 

[Caz60]

Sadly,I would cancel as you are trying to gather together more memories,but he will be miserable and moany .Home seems to be where they become much calmer.
I have just done the same we went on holiday to Spain with our two grandchildren,one younger,one older.I don't think he smiled once he endured the holiday no matter what we were doing he wasn't happy.Only last year we went to Asia but now home is where he wants to be ,he has said I feel happy that we have no holidays booked.He has always been a lovely family man but LBD has changed that
So like myself it may be time for having some time for yourself .Love n hugs.xx

 

[JigJog]

Cancel.

I've just cancelled a holiday to Majorca in a hotel we know very well. OH wouldn't cope with the airport and his anxiety and confusion would prevent either of us from enjoying it.

I'd really hoped for one last holiday but we recently had a couple of days in York. I was shocked at how confused and anxious he was. Neither of us got anything positive from the break, if I'm honest. A few days later he had no memory of the break.

Sadly you do have to adapt as things change, as Florence says.
Thinking of you.
JigJogx

 

[Casbow]

What would other people do.

Definitely cancel. Don't put yourself through it. I have wasted a lot of money on the last two attempts to go away. Disaster. He really only wants to be at home. Even a few hours can end in a big problem. I have given up all hope of a holiday together. Next thing is to find the courage and heart of steel to get a weeks respite so that I can have my first break in 9 years. Bet I don't do it. xxx

 

[Diannie]

I found your situation exactly like my own. My husband and I have been going on holiday abroad regularly for the last several years. He loves the sun and gets very down if the weather is bad here. We go to a small hotel in Majorca 2 or 3 times a year which he really loves and knows the area very well. However we went there in May this year. He didn't recognise the place or the hotel and couldn't recall ever being there before. He had difficulty operating the shower and finding his way round the dining room. Personally after about the third day it was me who was feeling very stressed and couldn't wait to get back home. Sadly I have doubts about repeating it. If I were you unfortunately I would cancel.

 

[caqqufa]

Have to agree with every post: CANCEL. He will forget all about it but for you it will be a sad memory and you will end up exhausted. It happened to me - kept on hoping the next holiday will be better: fewer days and closer to home. Didn't work.

 

[Optomistic]

Holiday

I had a holiday in Malta with my two sons and hubby he wasnt to bad but i wouldnt go on my own anymore. The airport was the worst i had to look after him through security and nearly lost my handbag with all the money in. We had quite a good week but he was very quiet his speech is getting worse now.

I was going to take him for a five day break in England but am afraid of going on my own as he is so different to how he used to be. The problem is going in hotels and being aroung a lot of people. We go out a lot here but keep to ourselves.

Im not sure if i could ever put him in respite he would be very upset as we have always done stuff together.

 

[Marks its]

Think about it.

My OH has only just started being noticably 'different' tho he was diagnosed two years ago. He has trouble with connecting words with things, so he can never see something if I say 'It's by the kettle' etc, and is constantly losing things. He also is either going very deaf or having trouble connecting what I say with concepts - I think he just hears the sound but can't make sense of it unless I speak very slowly and ultra clearly.
In May we went on a small holiday with some friends, three days in a nice hotel in France with some wine tasting and nice meals - formerly his FAVOURITE thing. After two days he said 'When are we going home, I'm bored' I was very shocked as this had always been his really ideal way to spend time. We were then planning to move to another hotel by the sea, where we would have pottered about, enjoyed the hotel which was bang on the sea, done a bit of shopping etc etc. he seemed so grumpy that I (perhaps foolishly) siad 'If you're really unhappy, would you like to go home early ?' and he said 'yes' and cheered up markedly. We lost quite a bit of money as got charged for a night in the hotel which we weren't there for and had to pay for a more expensive Tunnel time. I was really unhappy, but he didn't notice, of course, and said 'Well there's so much to do at home' (there wasn't)
Now (to the point of this question - sorry) some time ago I booked us 10 days at a hotel in Mallorca in Sept - nice hotel, we've been before, but very small, quiet and peaceful. last time we just sat by the pool, read, swam, chatted to other guests. It wias extremely soothing and relaxing, though the air travel was stressful ( I need a wheelchair/buggy as have bad knees) and the airports noisy and dreadful. I am wondering if I would be better to cancel this holiday (which I can at this stage) or risk a repeat of the French fisaco. We would not be able to come home early as flights etc harder to arrange and much more expensive, and when I tried talking to OH about it he seemed surprised that I mentioned it. But then he didn't really realise how oddly he had behaved in France. I really don't want to waste a lot of money but 10 days in a foreign hotel with him feeling resentful, bored and grumpy and iitching to be at home wouldn't be nice for either of us.
What would you do please, kind people ?

Hi.
What I would suggest is think about it. As you have been before, talk about the past experiences you had there. Talk positively about the nice warm weather, the hotel, food etc. and see how he reacts. If it's favourable, keep on talking about it and ask if he would like to go. Let him think he is in control of his actions and decisions and repeat everyday if necessary. Eventually, hopefully he'll be excited and looking forward to it and it might rekindle your own experiences and be a pleasant holiday for all of you.
Hope it works. Be patient, be strong, be positive.

 

[Frank68]

This is very sad for you .... A realisation I guess that a treasured part of your lives together is over. The advice is pretty solid...
Our last couple of holidays were disasters, culminating in cutting short time with our beloved family in Dubai - and at some cost of re-arranged flights. I had hoped she might just cope being with family and in a familiar place, but not at all. Nightmare week! - and the family were so upset too.
My OH is happiest at home where I stick to a careful routine - at least I can remember what it is! The strain of being away I put down to disorientation - imagine how frightening it must be when only a bit of your brain still works!
That's how I look at it anyway, so holidays are off and I am trying to pluck up courage to arrange some of the respite that the Social Worker has just said that I am due. What on earth I might actually do on my own I find it hard to imagine after over 50 years of holidays and sailing adventures together....
Love and prayers x

 

[pamann]

Hello Frank, My husband went in for respite 10months ago, was for 2weeks, but he was so difficult they advised me to keep him there, which l did. We have been together for 56yrs never been away without each other, but l plucked up courage to go with my bowling club to Cyprus, l enjoyed it very much, l was with people l knew, l don't think l would have gone on my own. We are all different, but life goes on we must make the most of it while we are here.

 

[rhubarbtree]

Many people on this post have said how PWD is calmer/happier at home. My problem is my OH asks every morning "What are we doing today?" I then feel obliged to arrange something but as said above he doesn't seem to enjoy being out and about. Walking silently one step behind me and not remembering anything when we get home. I'm afraid I liken it, just to myself and all of you, to wearing a ball and chain.

We have a holiday booked with our son and grandchildren in August. Having others around who know the problem does lighten the load.

OH went on a short golfing holiday in May. The three shirts he mislaid have just arrived in the post. Where could he have tucked them in his bedroom that they have taken six weeks to surface?

Happy Holidays