My mum passed away last Sunday (12th June). Although I just missed her passing I was with her the whole time in between her death and being collected by the undertaker. I haven't seen her since. My brothers have been and said she looks 'fine' but I can't make my mind up if I should see her myself. She just looked asleep immediately after she died. I'm worried she'll look different and that'll I remember only that. Her funeral is on Wednesday. I don't want to regret not seeing her before she's cremated. I just don't know what to do.
Do I go and see my mum's body?
- Thread starter Donbon79
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Your post rang a bell with me. It is some years since my Mum died on a hospital dementia ward . I wasn't with her when she died so I had to make the decision whether or not to visit her in death. I saw my father after he died suddenly and I guess the waxwork resemblance of the Dad I knew was a shock. I chose not to have that memory of my mother, (I too had been with her much of the time leading up to death) but cherish the happier memories. It could be argued that seeing the waxwork non-presence of a parent helps accept the grief of loss. So I've done both but under different circumstances... I think it's entirely personal and you have to weigh up the pros and cons. I am so sorry for your loss x
Do what you feel is right for you. I felt the need, but my siblings didn't.
I saw both my parents die and went to see them both before their funerals. They did look a bit different but I am glad I went. I did not want to always wonder...it helped to put my mind at rest somehow. I needed to check it was them before they were buried.
I found the coldness of their bodies the most striking thing. At one point I felt a really strong desire to touch my dad's nose, so I did that. I even took a photo, as I didn't want to regret not doing so.
I think it helped me to finalise things in my head, to see them so still and lifeless. It is quite hard to describe as although there are a lot of feelings, there is also a peace to it. So I personally feel it's a good idea.
I saw both my parents die and went to see them both before their funerals. They did look a bit different but I am glad I went. I did not want to always wonder...it helped to put my mind at rest somehow. I needed to check it was them before they were buried.
I found the coldness of their bodies the most striking thing. At one point I felt a really strong desire to touch my dad's nose, so I did that. I even took a photo, as I didn't want to regret not doing so.
I think it helped me to finalise things in my head, to see them so still and lifeless. It is quite hard to describe as although there are a lot of feelings, there is also a peace to it. So I personally feel it's a good idea.
Ultimately, only you can make that decision.
I was with Roger when he died, and stayed with him for a short time afterwards.
I was asked whether I wanted to see him when he was at the undertakers, but I decided against doing so, because I want to remember him as he was in life, and even though I was with him when he died, he just looked as of he was asleep. I admit, I wasn't sure how to expect him to look afterwards (he was not embalmed).
I have no regrets about this, because it was my decision and how I wanted to remember him.
I do know that others have gained comfort from this final visit, and being able to say things that they want to say.
It must be your decision, and don't be persuaded by others. There is no right or wrong, only what will work for you. Once you have made your decision, stick to it with no regrets.
I was with Roger when he died, and stayed with him for a short time afterwards.
I was asked whether I wanted to see him when he was at the undertakers, but I decided against doing so, because I want to remember him as he was in life, and even though I was with him when he died, he just looked as of he was asleep. I admit, I wasn't sure how to expect him to look afterwards (he was not embalmed).
I have no regrets about this, because it was my decision and how I wanted to remember him.
I do know that others have gained comfort from this final visit, and being able to say things that they want to say.
It must be your decision, and don't be persuaded by others. There is no right or wrong, only what will work for you. Once you have made your decision, stick to it with no regrets.
Sorry for your loss. I went to see my mum, but have to say that I wish I hadn't as she looked so very different and it really wasn't her. My father,who is now in the late stages of Alzheimer's, said I should go as it was my chance to say a proper goodbye. It's obviously such a personal decision but do just what feels right for you not what other people may expect x
Hi, I am very sorry to hear your news. my own mum died 3rd June and was buried 16th june. I went twice to see her, the first visit was on the 10th I was extremely upset and shocked about her death at the time and felt I had to "talk to her". Regrettable I had not seen her for some time, so felt dreadfully guilty. She looked beautiful, her hair was so silky and she looked so at peace. She was 94. I was so glad that I had been to see her, its helped me with my own grief. I think you should follow your own heart. There is no right or wrong, it is a personal decision, mine was due to my guilt and disbelief that she had gone, due to me not being aware she was so ill. Ironic that I am a carer for my mil with dementia and yet I somehow forgot my own mother.
The second time was on Tuesday, perhaps that wasn't a good idea as I felt I was intruding and she didn't look as good. You are very fortunate to have been with your mum, I wish I had been with mine. You must weigh up the pros and cons as the previous member said. This is a heart rendering decision and I wish you well.
The second time was on Tuesday, perhaps that wasn't a good idea as I felt I was intruding and she didn't look as good. You are very fortunate to have been with your mum, I wish I had been with mine. You must weigh up the pros and cons as the previous member said. This is a heart rendering decision and I wish you well.
Your choice
With my job I occasionally have to go and see little ones that have died ( I work at a special school ) I am fine about that - so when Dad died I thought I would go . However , as I had spent time with him just after he died when he looked like he was just asleep - I felt no urge at all . I went to the funeral home several times for organisational things and all I did was under my breath- send my love .
However, everyone is different and you must do what feels right for you - there are no rules .
With my job I occasionally have to go and see little ones that have died ( I work at a special school ) I am fine about that - so when Dad died I thought I would go . However , as I had spent time with him just after he died when he looked like he was just asleep - I felt no urge at all . I went to the funeral home several times for organisational things and all I did was under my breath- send my love .
However, everyone is different and you must do what feels right for you - there are no rules .
Hello Donbon ,firstly I am so sorry for you loss of your Mum I lost mine in Febuary and am still struggling ,it has to be your own personal choice if to go or not you do what you feel comfortable with I feel I made a big mistake I was with Mum when she passed away and she did,nt look nice so in my head I thought maybe she would look better in the chapel of rest ,but was so shocked when I saw her she looked ghastly so cold and waxy ,it still gives me nightmares I cannot think before that picture I have in my mind wish I could it was such a shock years ago I saw my grandmother and she looked lovely but that image stayed with me ,so looks like the image of my Mum will as well ,,as your brothers say she looks fine if you decide to go I do hope you feel the same when you see her .xx
I was with my Mother when she died and sat with her like you did for several hours. I didn't feel the need to see her afterwards because I had said my goodbyes and I only wanted to remember the good times.
My husband had a massive heamorrhage while we were out and my son and I found him when we came back - I sat with him until the undertakers came and we didn't see him again after that. My son said 'he doesn't need us now, he's safe, we don't need to go the chapel' said it all for me.
I know people have had very different experiences, some good and some bad. I would suggest that you follow your heart, then there will be no room for regret xxxxxxxxxxxxxx my thoughts are with you x
My husband had a massive heamorrhage while we were out and my son and I found him when we came back - I sat with him until the undertakers came and we didn't see him again after that. My son said 'he doesn't need us now, he's safe, we don't need to go the chapel' said it all for me.
I know people have had very different experiences, some good and some bad. I would suggest that you follow your heart, then there will be no room for regret xxxxxxxxxxxxxx my thoughts are with you x
Sorry for your loss. It is your choice and decision. If you prefer to remember her as she was in life, and as you were with her at death, that is absolutely fine.
I'm very sorry to read about your loss. Please accept my sympathy. None of the decisions we make after the passing of a loved one are easy are they? I would just go with your instincts on this one and try not to be influenced by others-how ever well meant.
I was with my Husband when he passed and helped wash him. I stayed for a couple of hours with him just talking and telling him how much I loved him. I told him to enjoy himself with departed friends and his Mum, Dad and Sister-and to wait for me. I did give the Undertaker a letter and photos to put in Pete's coffin-for me that was enough.
I hope that you make a decision that you are comfortable with-one that doesn't increase your distress at this very sad time.
Take care of yourself
Lyn T XX
I was with my Husband when he passed and helped wash him. I stayed for a couple of hours with him just talking and telling him how much I loved him. I told him to enjoy himself with departed friends and his Mum, Dad and Sister-and to wait for me. I did give the Undertaker a letter and photos to put in Pete's coffin-for me that was enough.
I hope that you make a decision that you are comfortable with-one that doesn't increase your distress at this very sad time.
Take care of yourself
Lyn T XX
Ohh! Donbon. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Such a sad time. My thoughts and sympathy are with you and your family.
I lost my brother a few weeks ago. I was not going to see him, but, something made me decide to go. He looked so nice. I said my goodbyes and told him I loved him, I am pleased I had done so. I saw my Mam when she passed, but, could not with my Dad.
See how you feel on the last visiting day, go by your feelings. You may want that last minute with her, as I did with my brother, but, if not, that is good too.
Love and hugs to give you strength in the coming weeks. M xxx
I lost my brother a few weeks ago. I was not going to see him, but, something made me decide to go. He looked so nice. I said my goodbyes and told him I loved him, I am pleased I had done so. I saw my Mam when she passed, but, could not with my Dad.
See how you feel on the last visiting day, go by your feelings. You may want that last minute with her, as I did with my brother, but, if not, that is good too.
Love and hugs to give you strength in the coming weeks. M xxx
It is such a personal decision. I was with my mum when she passed. My mum had said she didn't want anyone 'viewing' her at the undertakers- we were lucky mum was a strong lady who knew she was dying ( not of dementia) and she planned her own funeral, sparing us many decisions. Thinking of you at this difficult time. X
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My mum died last year, I did not plan on seeing her body, however her sister insisted I went, I am glad I did. I was scared the memory would stick, but it has not affected me in that way, I just think about her when she was well, and all the funny times.
She did not look anything like I expected, so if you do go, be prepared for that...
It was nice to say a final goodbye, touch her hand, her hair and I gave her a kiss on her head.
It was closure for me.
Whatever you decide, I wish you well, its a tough time x
She did not look anything like I expected, so if you do go, be prepared for that...
It was nice to say a final goodbye, touch her hand, her hair and I gave her a kiss on her head.
It was closure for me.
Whatever you decide, I wish you well, its a tough time x
Thank you so much for all your comments. I always thought I wouldn't want to see her afterwards but as time is passing and because I'm running out of time, I can't help thinking I'll always regret it if I don't. I'm not sure how prepared I am for her to look 'different' but the idea of saying goodbye to her properly (and on my own) makes me think I will get some closure. I might regret seeing her afterwards but then again I might not and I know I will always regret not seeing her. I think I've made the decision to go.
I saw my mum today. Although she looked different, it wasn't a bad different. I don't regret going at all.
