Feeling guilty

[mikeouk]

My first post here, so hello all.

My mum has been suffering with vascular dementia for quite a few years, but she's declined a lot in the past 18 months. She recently turned 80 , my dad has been her full time carer ,but it started to effect him. I've not been able to offer a great amount of help other than taking mum out to give him respite, I have a busy work load and a family which take up most of my time. My sister lives overseas, so the burden has been on my dad.
I think he was vague with giving information to me regarding mums behaviour,because he felt disloyal, but i eventually found out there was instances of aggression and incontinance, also some of the behaviour was bizarre, slippers in the fridge, tooth paste in hair etc.
He had a social worker in place , but she was proving to be unhelpful at best. It got to a point a few weeks ago that I intervened and rang ss and demanded action, things moved quickly from then, and the upshot is that we took mum to a care home on Monday . The agreement is that it's 2 weeks respite care , but my feeling is she should stay and will try to convince my dad, that it's for the best. My real mum has long gone, but my dad is still here and I want him to be happy and enjoy life.
My feeling of guilt is awful, I've got stomach pains and broke down last night at the dinner table, (something I've never done in my life).
I popped in to see mum yesterday, she seemed confused but recognised me, she told another lady I was her husband, but i was happy she didn't ask where she was or why. She never mentioned my dad or where he was, a year ago she would have been agitated and asking for him.
I know this is the right thing, but right now I feel like curling up in a ball, I'm wondering what she's doing/thinking right now, all the time.

 

[pamann]

Hello mikelok, Welcome to TP, your Mum is in the right place now, my hubby went in a CH 8months ago for 2 weeks respite, he was so bad the manager didn't know how l had looked after him for so long, your Dad will be ill if she goes back home, l feel for you it is such a big upset for all the family. Your Mum will be well looked after with professional people to look after her. Thinking of you at this difficult time.

 

[Chemmy]

Welcome from me too.

This is an opportunity for you and your dad to return to your rightful roles of son and husband. You are still caring for your mum but others are now there to share the day to day responsibilities. You are still very much part of the new team.

Guilt should only apply if you were being selfish or not looking out for your mum (and your dad's) best interests, and that it clearly not the case here.

Let it go. It serves no purpose. You are making the best of a very difficult situation and are to be commended. If she had to go into hospital, you wouldn't feel like this - when you think about it objectively, there isn't really much difference - you are passing her into the care of others.

Let us know how she settles in. It sounds promising so far

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Mikeouk

It sounds as if this move for your mum has come at the right time. She seems unaware she is in a new environment which is probably why she is not showing signs of anxiety.

I hope your dad can come to terms with residential care. It will make life so much less stressful for him .

It took me a very long time to decide on residential care for my husband. Once he settled life was so much better for both of us, there was no need for guilt. My husband`s health actually improved because he was in a stress free environment and was being cared for by kind and very special people who were able to go home at the end of their shift, something I and your dad were/are unable to do.

 

[mikeouk]

Thanks everyone, it's a comfort

 

[theunknown]

Hi mike. It doesn't sound as if you have anything at all to feel guilty about. Trouble is it's easier said than done, as guilt is an emotion not a behaviour. I also have physical reactions to the guilt I feel, and I think the problem is that I developed IBS as a result of what was happening. It shows how strongly the situation is affecting you and you need to remember your health is also important.

 

[jjude]

When we made the decision to put him in a care home on end of life care after he had been hospitalised for six weeks a nurse at the hospital said to me let the nursing home do the nursing and the caring and you focus on doing the loving. I clung onto those words for dear life and found those wise words helped enormously. Sadly he was only there a few weeks before he died but I think is she hadn't said those words I would of fallen apart. I feel your heartache. Big hugs x

 

[mikeouk]

My dad went to visit today, mum recognised him. He said she seemed settled, no questions about where she is or why. He said there was no complaints about anything (that was a regular theme at home). Fingers crossed,she seems to have accepted and is happy in her new home, it's a big comfort to know.

 

[Kjn]

Don't feel guilty mike, it's a hard decision when it comes. Everyone on TP are hear to listen .