Why does my mum get so angry

[Annid]

People at the hospital tell me it's not my mum it's the dementia I only remember my mum getting angry when I was little, but this angry you can't reason with there is no getting through. My mum yesterday had both me and my daughter in tears again with nasty things she was saying. The nurse's tell me it's not my mum that's saying these things but that's hard to get my head round when she is sat there shouting at us accusing me of all sorts it really hurts I know there are others going through the same thing but it feels very very lonely.
I just want my mum back , I lost my dad 16months ago now I feel I am losing my mum fast.

 

[Ellaroo]

Im losing my mum in such a terrible way. She sometimes swears and tells me i dont know i thing about caring. She has said it that often i am immune to it.

I cope by having respite and knowing it will pass and be replaced by another challenge.
Mum is in hospital now after a fall in night. Nothing broken or injured but shocked.
Hospital cant copevwith peoplw who have dementia. Taken 6 days for them to,test mums urine and prescribe antibiotic. I alerted them to her pain in toilet.
Also put in v low tilted chair so unable to stand. Mum is 90 lives with me and is independent walking , stairs and feeding. She does require prompts with washing and dressing. Also continent.

This ward is for rehab too. Despite my protests mumin pads, never wirn or needed them ? Convenience of staff. 5/6 in mums bay have dementia and no nurse or hca alwYs present. I frequently report to staff what needs doing.... No support at mealtimes.....
Wait ages for help to toilet...
Really cant cope. Mum has strat of pressure sore through lack of movement.
All given daily heparin to prevent clots as stuck in chairs all day not allowed to move for safety reasons, risk of falling....

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Annid

However much we know it`s the dementia it does hurt when we are at the receiving end of anger, frustration, confusion and fear.

Reassurance and reasoning seldom help and I think the best thing for you to do is walk away for a while.

I used to walk away from my husband, wait a while and then ask him something trivial, e.g.. would he like a cup of tea. Nine times out of ten, he had forgotten his anger and accepted gratefully.
I know this may not work with your mother but you know her well so could try to think of a way to get round the anger.

I`m not saying it will work but good luck.

 

[Witzend]

You can tell yourself 'It's the dementia' till you're blue in the face, but that doesn't stop it being terribly upsetting at the time.

It may be best to leave when this happens, without (if you can) showing how upset you are - say something like, 'I think we'd better go if we're just making you cross.' Or, some people find that saying, 'If you can't be nice, then I'm afraid we'll have to go,' works.

When my mother was endlessly saying really horrible things about my own family, I did once tell her that if she didn't stop I was going home NOW, this minute (and I meant it) and she did stop, at least for that evening. Although it WAS the dementia talking, it wasn't the case that she was unable to control what she said. I don't think it had occurred to me till then that she certainly could stop being nasty, if she knew I'd go home otherwise. Until then I think I'd thought she really couldn't help it at all.

 

[Owly]

I've seen a strategy discussed on this forum, involving giving a warning and then walking away.

So long as Mum is pleasant, you sit and chat. The minute she starts insulting, blaming, accusing, don't even try to reason or argue back, or defend yourself. Simply say, "oh here's that bad mood coming over you again, I'll have to get going now". If the bad mood doesn't stop, then gather your things, say goodbye pleasantly and walk away.

It has been said to work, when you are consistent. It's like dealing with a child. Mum's mind is damaged so you're talking to the childish part of her. It doesn't help at all to get upset back, but it does help to be quietly firm, and show there are consequences if she carries on.

If you walk away, you can do a little tour of the hospital and come back in 10 minutes time and try again. But be prepared to leave again, if it continues.

Best of luck.

 

[Gwyneth]

As there is no rhyme or reason behind dementia behaviour it is hard to understand the outbursts at times and as we are only human and have instinctive ingrained memories of times when these behaviours rarely happened or were recognised and apologised for when they did, it is so hard not to feel hurt and upset. My husband can turn in an instant from sweet, charming and humourous to growling, shouting and swearing but usually because somehow I have used the wrong words or been terse with him. However, I try not to blame myself too much otherwise I carry too much of a heavy burden but I know I now hold the key to keeping things on an even keel.
Others have given the best advice and really the only advice - walk away, change the subject, deflect, etc. It is quickly forgotten, no point at all in discussing or analysing with the person. He has no recollection after. Thoughts are with you. Keep loving them!

 

[Quilty]

I found with my mum that when i told her i was not prepared to listen to her being horrible and i walked away that it did not or get much better. It is dementia but there is also some control too.
Its just very sad yo know that someone you are busting a gut to help is thinking that way about you. That is the part you cant fix and why its so hard. Thats also the part they cant help. Love quilty

 

[Pear trees]

I would tell my mum we would leave if she did not stop saying nasty things, and would go into another room or out to the car. Sometimes she would stop, but most times she just started again when we came back or even when we next visited.
You can't win with dementia, you just keep battling and hope you occasionally win a bit of ground.

 

[Chemmy]

Small consolation right now, but I did find it was a phase that passed as Mum's dementia progressed.

 

[Witzend]

Small consolation right now, but I did find it was a phase that passed as Mum's dementia progressed.

Ditto. But yes, it's very cold comfort that it can take the dementia getting worse for the phase to pass.

 

[WORRIER123]

I'm hearing you. Dad had a hospital appointment today and it's as if his dementia has worsened in a day
He moaned about the patient transport the wait to get picked up then we get there and he's sweetness and light to the doctor and nurses and back in the ambulance home and moaning again about the visit the time it took and now the carers
Followed by you do too much followed by you don't do enough
I have no break I live with dad. My break is going to work from 6am to 6pm
Tiring

 

[fizzie]

Im losing my mum in such a terrible way. She sometimes swears and tells me i dont know i thing about caring. She has said it that often i am immune to it.

I cope by having respite and knowing it will pass and be replaced by another challenge.
Mum is in hospital now after a fall in night. Nothing broken or injured but shocked.
Hospital cant copevwith peoplw who have dementia. Taken 6 days for them to,test mums urine and prescribe antibiotic. I alerted them to her pain in toilet.
Also put in v low tilted chair so unable to stand. Mum is 90 lives with me and is independent walking , stairs and feeding. She does require prompts with washing and dressing. Also continent.

This ward is for rehab too. Despite my protests mumin pads, never wirn or needed them ? Convenience of staff. 5/6 in mums bay have dementia and no nurse or hca alwYs present. I frequently report to staff what needs doing.... No support at mealtimes.....
Wait ages for help to toilet...
Really cant cope. Mum has strat of pressure sore through lack of movement.
All given daily heparin to prevent clots as stuck in chairs all day not allowed to move for safety reasons, risk of falling....

You need to grab the ward sister and complain like mad. She will lose her mobility if she isn't walked and also lose her confidence. Patients go into hospital mobile and continent and come out not walking and incontinent. Can you get her home? Just tell them (if she is medically ok) that she will be much better at home. I've seen them put patients in those chairs - they do it to stop them getting up and it goes against all good practice! Don't let them use the excuse that she has dementia - say she came in walking and continent and that's how you want her to go home (but pref get her home with some extra help for you)
Really your only ope is to gt her home or she will have great difficulty getting back to where she was. I'm really sorry - hospitals are awful places for people with dementia when my mum was in after a broken femur I was there most of the day and all evening and I walked her, was with her at mealtimes and made sure she walked to the toilet. The physio would have stopped physio if I hadn't intervened and explained how she needed to talk to Mum - horrendous the lot of them!
Good luck xx

 

[WORRIER123]

Just to add my dad went into hospital in July fully mobile. He came out only after I discharged him myself with very little mobility
He was sat in a chair with an alarm to alert staff when he got up and when he did they made him sit down
He was supposed to be in rehab the last 6 weeks which was a walk across the ward and back
He's home and can't go out now due to loss of mobility but being home he's got about the house a lot better than I ever thought and can even climb the stairs
Home is best
Good luck

 

[Ellaroo]

Thanks for your support. Its happening in most hospitals all over the country, standard practice.
Wonder if alzheimers society could highlight the problem and shame health service into doing something positive .
I feel i am going to have to toilet train mum, work at her mobility as she has been confined , incidently al pts given heparin to prevent clots as all the other dementia prisoners are confined to chairs or bed. Also give free access to drinks, mum kept letting her drinks go cold and wouldnt have them. I took smoothies in and it worked.
Staff need to be in bays at all times , mumcant use buzzer to call them .
The alarm on peopes chairs says their name eg Tom sit down in the chair and wait for the nurse . It reminds me of the joke email of a skeleton sitting on a bench.. Woman waiting for the perfect man, substitute dementia pt waiting for nurse , photo of alarmed skeletons in bed or trapped in chairs.
O/T has asked me to view some bathing equipment and will get help am and pm

After 6 days mum has started taking antibiotics, ive seen them with my own eyes so i know its true.
Thanks forum folk, you really help me cope . Hope i can help you sometime xxx