My mother in law has very advanced Alzheimer's and dementia. It happened quick. Very quick. My father had just been diagnosed and my mother is very disabled. My wife and I are very much at our limits. We t struggling. I'm very worried bout my wife. I'm very worried bout me. I can't help my parents enough because all our time is taken up by my mother in law. My brother in law lives 250 miles away an has his head buried so far in the sand that he is actually a negative force, he actually thinks she's gluten intolerant. I've never seen such denial. My sister and two step sisters are unfortunately the three most selfish brats I've ever met. They Hav never in 25 years lifted a finger to help care for my mam and are conspicuous by their absence at the moment. My wife has suffered from vertigo an meningitis because of this. Neither of us r sleeping, I Hav no appetite and my temper is thru the roof. I injured myself and went on sick just before this went stratospheric. That was 8 months ago and I ain't been able to go back to work because I just simply wouldn't Hav time to fit it in. This hasn't helped. Oh, I allmost forgot. My 6'5" tall 16 stone father is becoming aggressive because of his Alzheimer's. The worst problem is I can no longer sit and listen to my mother in law spew hour after hour of abuse, spite and bile at my wife. It's like havin nails dragged down my soul, it makes me scream inside that I can't protect her. Sorry for the rant. I thought it would make me feel better. But no
Struggling
- Thread starter Lbg1973
- Start date
Hello. You and your loving wife have reached the end of your tether. I can't tell where you live, but given your circumstances with multiple parents with dementia and health concerns of your own, it seems to me you and your wife would be eligible for assistance, or at least for day care for her mother.
I hope fizzie of Izzy or someone else might come along soon to suggest options for you, if you are living in the U.K. You definitely need respite and assistance for both parents, her mother and your father. You can't do this by yourselves. I have invisible sisters (folks here call non-helping siblings "invisibles"), and know how emotionally trying these circumstances can be, and I just have my mother here . . . .
Good wishes to you. I hope someone comes along soon with concrete suggestions for you.
Hi
You certainly have a huge load to bare at the moment.
Firstly, although the injustice of the lack of help from siblings is frustrating, sometimes it is easier without their interference and you are able to set assistance up as it suits you.
You and your wife are being torn in three directions and it just isn't possible to keep this up so you need to shout for help now. Set up care assessments with SS for your parents and your MIL. Explain that you are at the point of extreme carer breakdown and are worried for the safety of vulnerable adults - quoting the aggression, disability, and anything else such as inability to take medication. You need to make it clear that you intend to go back to work and won't be available to carry out care duties.
From the experience of others on TP, it would be a good idea to put this in writing to your parents' and MIL's GP's and social services.
If your father becomes aggressive it can be a good idea to phone the police, as this can be a shortcut to getting the help you need.
I'm just quoting advice that I've learnt from others on TP.
Hope it might point you in the right direction
J x
You certainly have a huge load to bare at the moment.
Firstly, although the injustice of the lack of help from siblings is frustrating, sometimes it is easier without their interference and you are able to set assistance up as it suits you.
You and your wife are being torn in three directions and it just isn't possible to keep this up so you need to shout for help now. Set up care assessments with SS for your parents and your MIL. Explain that you are at the point of extreme carer breakdown and are worried for the safety of vulnerable adults - quoting the aggression, disability, and anything else such as inability to take medication. You need to make it clear that you intend to go back to work and won't be available to carry out care duties.
From the experience of others on TP, it would be a good idea to put this in writing to your parents' and MIL's GP's and social services.
If your father becomes aggressive it can be a good idea to phone the police, as this can be a shortcut to getting the help you need.
I'm just quoting advice that I've learnt from others on TP.
Hope it might point you in the right direction
J x
Goodness me - you NEED help and quickly. I would phone social services on Monday morning and ask for an urgent assessment - you need a carers assessment (to give you a break) and all your cared for relatives need to have assessments too. Speak to adult care duty desk and tell them that it is urgent because you can't cope and are in crisis. Don't get off the phone until they give you a time and say that you will walk away if you can't get help and all these people are 'at risk' and 'vulnerable' and that they 'have a duty of care'.
I would also phone the GP and ask for a re-referral to memory clinic for Father - it may be that a simple solution like medication might help him and get him checked for a urinary tract infection at the same time. Ask the GP if he can give something to calm Father down while you wait for an appointment.
Our lifeline was day care and that might be a good solution, at least in part, for some of yours - it gives you a life back - so mention it at the assessment.
The main thing is that you have done an amazing job and now you have reached limits (I'm only surprised you have managed to keep it going for so long)
I'm assuming that you've got all the benefits sorted and everyone is getting Attendance Allowance ? if not phone Age UK 0800 169 2081 (freephone) - they are open at the weekend I think until about 7pm and get some help from them - they will get someone to come round and help you with the forms. Actually it might be an idea to do that anyway - they will be able to give you more info specific to your difficulties
Another great helpline is the Alzheimer's Society National Dementia Helpline 0300 222 1122 can provide information, support, guidance and signposting to other appropriate organisations.
The Helpline is usually open from:
9am - 8pm Monday to Wednesday
9am - 5pm on Thursday and Friday
10am - 4pm on Saturday and Sunday
Sorry that is a lot of info but you really do need help you have too much on your plate for you to deal with and sometimes you need to step back and get that outside help. You will be surprised (I hope) at how much help there is out there! Good luck, keep posting, we are all here to support you x
I would also phone the GP and ask for a re-referral to memory clinic for Father - it may be that a simple solution like medication might help him and get him checked for a urinary tract infection at the same time. Ask the GP if he can give something to calm Father down while you wait for an appointment.
Our lifeline was day care and that might be a good solution, at least in part, for some of yours - it gives you a life back - so mention it at the assessment.
The main thing is that you have done an amazing job and now you have reached limits (I'm only surprised you have managed to keep it going for so long)
I'm assuming that you've got all the benefits sorted and everyone is getting Attendance Allowance ? if not phone Age UK 0800 169 2081 (freephone) - they are open at the weekend I think until about 7pm and get some help from them - they will get someone to come round and help you with the forms. Actually it might be an idea to do that anyway - they will be able to give you more info specific to your difficulties
Another great helpline is the Alzheimer's Society National Dementia Helpline 0300 222 1122 can provide information, support, guidance and signposting to other appropriate organisations.
The Helpline is usually open from:
9am - 8pm Monday to Wednesday
9am - 5pm on Thursday and Friday
10am - 4pm on Saturday and Sunday
Sorry that is a lot of info but you really do need help you have too much on your plate for you to deal with and sometimes you need to step back and get that outside help. You will be surprised (I hope) at how much help there is out there! Good luck, keep posting, we are all here to support you x
agree with everything fizzie and jasmine flower said.
Had to call the police out when my OH became aggressive the other week and they were very sympathetic and asked if I wanted to press charges which I didn't but they have to do their job. I also called the memory clinic the next day and the nurse came out a few days later. Your situation sounds a lot more extreme than mine I only have one person with dementia to cope with and manage to have 'me' time when he is goes to day care centre twice a week. My OH is on donepezil and I know this helps to calm him down. Hope you manage to resolve the situation.
eve
Had to call the police out when my OH became aggressive the other week and they were very sympathetic and asked if I wanted to press charges which I didn't but they have to do their job. I also called the memory clinic the next day and the nurse came out a few days later. Your situation sounds a lot more extreme than mine I only have one person with dementia to cope with and manage to have 'me' time when he is goes to day care centre twice a week. My OH is on donepezil and I know this helps to calm him down. Hope you manage to resolve the situation.
eve
Welcome to TP.
Aggressive language: maybe you already know, but it is interesting and hard to use compassionate communication.
http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showpost.php?p=413710
You at end of your wits: ask SS, it is their responsibility with vulnerable adults.
Aggressive behaviour: protect yourself and your family. Ask GP for a medication review. But you can call police too.
Aggressive language: maybe you already know, but it is interesting and hard to use compassionate communication.
http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showpost.php?p=413710
You at end of your wits: ask SS, it is their responsibility with vulnerable adults.
Aggressive behaviour: protect yourself and your family. Ask GP for a medication review. But you can call police too.
