Mum not settling in a care home

[Traceynew]

This is my first time on the forum, my mum is Middle to late stages of dementia and due to my Dad of 95 being taken ill in September ( he has been my mums carer since 2011 when she was first diagnosed with dementia, she is now 85) she had to go into respite care, while she was in respite care we where advised that it was not safe for Mum to go home for her or for my Dad, deep down I knew this but it was easier having the decision made for us. She was in respite until 21st November and detiriated a lot, she was not eating and drinking and the only option was for her to be admitted to hospital as the care homes we had chosen had no beds which is why she was in respite for so long all this time they were changing her medication as she was very agitated and aggressive. After two weeks in hospital she got a bed in my first choice care home which was three weeks ago, she is very unsettled,agitated and aggressive, every time I go in she wants me to take her home and says she hates it there, she says it is all my fault, it is so hard I just want her to be happy but don't know what to do, the last four months have been so upsetting, I miss my mum so much, she didn't even know it was Christmas.

 

[TinaT]

You have done all you can to keep both your mother and father as safe as possible.

Mum is unsettled because her routine has been changed so much recently. I would advise giving her a little more time to settle in. I do think that telling her the doctors have put her there until she gets a bit stronger on her feet.... or whatever you can think of to calm her down would be a help to her settling. It really is not your fault and giving someone else the blame may help her.

She needn't be told that the care home is a permanent situation as this will most likely cause her to be even more agitated. Perhaps if she feels that the care workers are only there as a temporary measure it will help her to settle in better.

I hope that things get a little easier for you as the weeks pass.

Best wishes
TinaT xx

 

[Shell27]

Hi. I Can't give you any magic answers but you're not alone. My Mum went into a care home on the 23rd December straight from 10 or so weeks in hospital and is blaming me for everything, wanting to come home and not eating/drinking properly. I agree with TinaT, and haven't told Mum this is permanent but I have had to temporarily distance myself and stop visiting for a little while so the experts can help her to settle. It's the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, but there are some great people on this forum who will share their experiences and help us both get through.

 

[Dustycat]

I am in the same boat. Dad has been in care since mid November and isn't settling. Feel sick every time I visit as don't know what awaits me. Trying to grit my teeth and weather the storm but it's tough. Xx

 

[Traceynew]

Thanks for your replies, it does help knowing other people are in the same situation. I have told her the doctors have put her there until she is stronger, it doesn't seem to make any difference, she says she hates it there, but hopefully with more time it will be easier. I know exactly what you mean about feeling sick when you go to visit as you just don't know what to expect. Hopefully things will get better, it makes it hard when you see all the other residents sitting there contented. I hope things get easier for you all xxxx

 

[jaymor]

This is my first time on the forum, my mum is Middle to late stages of dementia and due to my Dad of 95 being taken ill in September ( he has been my mums carer since 2011 when she was first diagnosed with dementia, she is now 85) she had to go into respite care, while she was in respite care we where advised that it was not safe for Mum to go home for her or for my Dad, deep down I knew this but it was easier having the decision made for us. She was in respite until 21st November and detiriated a lot, she was not eating and drinking and the only option was for her to be admitted to hospital as the care homes we had chosen had no beds which is why she was in respite for so long all this time they were changing her medication as she was very agitated and aggressive. After two weeks in hospital she got a bed in my first choice care home which was three weeks ago, she is very unsettled,agitated and aggressive, every time I go in she wants me to take her home and says she hates it there, she says it is all my fault, it is so hard I just want her to be happy but don't know what to do, the last four months have been so upsetting, I miss my mum so much, she didn't even know it was Christmas.

Hello and welcome to TP.

It is very difficult and upsetting whilst someone takes time to settle into care. Non of us take easily to change and moving, it takes time to get used to changes and it must be so much more difficult for someone with dementia to deal with such a move when they are not understanding why they have moved.

Give your Mum time to get used to life in care, the daily routine etc and hopefully she will settle. Many of those already there who you see so settled probably struggled at the beginning like your Mum is. If you are struggling with visiting keep the visits very short. Just make sure your Mum has all she needs, is being looked after as you would want, may be have a cup of tea with her and then leave. If you visit regularly she will know she has not been left and forgotten and she will hopefully look forward to your visits.

My husband settled straight away in his nursing home but we had had weeks of problems with him in the assessment unit he was in for 9 weeks prior to the nursing home. He spent several weeks with his coat on, his clothes under his arms looking for a wAy out, it was so upsetting to see him standing at the door looking out. Then we turned up as usual and he was not at the door. We found him in one of the sitting rooms, no coat, no clothes under his arm and he was sitting having a cup of tea and talking to one of the carers. The change happened over night.

 

[Witzend]

I am so sorry - having been through this I know how hard it is. My mother took ages to settle - I had all the anger and accusations, and what was often even worse, the pleading - 'Can't I come home with you?' I felt so unbelievably bad, but there was no way I could have coped - she was wandering half the night and wasn't safe to be left even for half an hour. And my OH was still working long hours in a demanding job - I could not expect him to cope with broken nights and never any peace during evenings/weekends either.
For the first few months my stomach would be in knots every time I visited - I had to psych myself up to go and would sometimes chicken out because I just couldn't face it.
Sorry, no help at all, I know, but just to say that you are far from alone and though it may seem to take so long, the vast majority of people do settle eventually.

 

[Traceynew]

Thanks for your comments, this week mum has had a couple of good days and had her hair done which is really good, however I had a phone call from her care manager this week to arrange a 6week review with the home and he said they are struggling with her and have arranged for her CPN to go out and see her Monday to review medication. I am really worried now that we will have to look for somewhere for her and start this process all over again, I am trying to be positive but it is just the uncertainty of it all. They are a home that deals with dementia so surely they should be able to cope with all stages of Dementia. I have got to wait till the 20th for the meeting, I am just preying she will be able to stay there. Xxx

 

[Shell27]

Hi. I am in the same position as you with the Mental health team and Mum's doctor reviewing meds etc next week to make sure everything possible is being done. Mum's care home are being very supportive of me and giving confidence that it may take a little while but they will do their very best. Like you I worry that she will not settle and that I will need to start again but for now I'm putting my trust in the experts. Stay strong x

 

[Traceynew]

Thanks Shell27 for your comments it's nice to know somebody else knows what your going through, they have been reviewing my mums medication since October and it all went to pot when she went in hospital before going to the care home, fingers crossed they will get it sorted this time. Hope it all goes well for you and thanks again xx

 

[AndySoul]

Just joined here tonight and this is the first thread I've read. After reading, I'll bare in mind giving my mum 'time' to settle, should she need it. Mum had spent weeks on a hospital ward after a hip fracture. Her dementia had progressed and she would not be deemed safe to go back to sheltered accommodation. She moved into nursing care just yesterday. Today she was very unsettled, which was kinda anticipated. We'll see how the week goes, and give her that 'time' if necessary.

 

[MeganCat]

I'd say my mum took a good few months to settle. From my perspective. It's worth however asking the carers how she is when you have gone - does she continue to be upset or settle fairly quickly? My mum settled quickly after I left.
She had been a bit of a loner, choosing to live alone since her husbands death. I fully expected her to favour the space of her own room, but instead she chooses to sit in the lounge. I loved it when the carers reported that she's been up dancing or I go in and she's wearing a necklace she made. She regained the weight she had lost.
I felt horribly guilty about it all, despite it being the only option, but in retrospect really feel she benefitted. I was also able to take her out at weekends.
Unfortunately she is poorly in hospital at the moment and it does look like her dementia has taken another leap forward - fingers crossed it's exacerbated by the chest infection and will improve. But I do value the quality time we were able to have without me stressing all the time and allowing the kind carers to do their job.

 

[pollee]

Same problem

Dad, who with my sisters' help was was caring for Mum when he died suddenly in October of a stroke, I am divorced and work full time, luckily they were supportive and i was able to take time off to share Mums' care which involved 24 hour alternate shifts staying with her, i had to return to work last Monday when Mum was placed in a good local care home.
We are making sure one of us visits every day but as soon as she sees us she is begging us to take her home, and she may as well be dead etc, we spend all the visiting time just explaining that this is the very best we could do for her and that we love her and want her to be safe.
My sister has osteoperosis in her spine so could not do it alone, i must work to live, i had a minor stroke last year and obviously have have my concerns about that.
Can anyone give me some advice on coping with the worry and guilt, do we not visit so often would she settle easier ? it seems any time off work is spent with her or worrying about her and i am exhausted.

 

[annii1]

I do find with my mum that the more visits she has the more unsettled she seems as it reminds her of what she no longer has, but everyone is different, best wishes to you x

 

[canary]

A week is no time at all for someone to settle.

I wouldnt try and reason with her - the dementia will mean that she is no longer capable of logical thought. When mum wanted to know why she was in the care home and when she would be going home again we told her that she was in convalescence and she would go home again when she was better. We told her that and nothing else every time she asked and eventually she stopped asking most of the time.

 

[Soobb]

Mum unsettled in care home

It has been really helpful to read your post & all the responses-I & my siblings are not alone.
Mum has been in a home for 2 weeks, after 5 weeks in hospital. She has passed by Christmas/new Year/ my children's & my birthdays in her own small world which is becoming more & more muddled.
When I saw her on Sat, after waiting a week for her to "settle" she was trying to escape through her closed window with a wash bag.
She cannot retain any new info-especially the fact she has a room in the home, & claims that she is being held to ransom.
It is very scary how quickly she has deteriorated on a weekly/daily basis is since our Dad died last Autumn.
I think I am finding it more difficult with her as she is still physically mobile. We recently lost 2 family members via physical illness combined with Dementia, but both were bed bound.

 

[Traceynew]

I agree it is nice to read all the responses, it has helped me and it is nice to know people have responded to my original post. My Mum is now having a few better days which makes it easier, it is hard because dad is still at home and she knows that. I have taken a step back and go in every couple of days instead of nearly every day as I felt I was making her worse, as she always asked to take of home and says she hates me, it does hurt but I keep telling myself it is the dementia speaking, Mum would never say that. They still haven't made her permanent at the home but they have said it would be unlikely they would move her as long as they have the support from the mental health team. I have everything crossed and am trying to stay strong but it is hard!! Hope things get better for you all xxx

 

[Solihull]

Nessy 22, do you need to phone every day? My mom did not start to settle until I cut visits down (& all contact) to about every 5 days. She connected me with her old life (whatever she remembered) and the carers told me she was fine until she saw me. Just a thought, can you let the carers take over for a few days & see what happens? It is very hard but it worked for me and now mom is mostly happy although still has a few moments.
Take care.
Sue

 

[rbrown]

My family had this problem last year, my grandad had already mentally deteriorated it was his physicality that was the issue. My Grandad wanted to be outside walking his dog at all hours I remember counting one day and he went for 8 walks, so obviously putting him into care it was an issue because he couldn't leave.

Unfortunately he has deteriorated further but the positive thing is he likes it there now, at first you'd see sandwiches and cups of tea flying out the window and generally unpleasant visits because of how much he hated it. Now he eats plenty of the food, sits in the lounge (he wouldn't socialise before) and doesn't care for us to stay long. Just stick with it I know it's hard but she might adjust to it, we would always bring foods he enjoyed in and decorated the room with personal affects. Honestly, you may have no other option but to leave her in this home and if need be that is the correct thing to do. It is difficult but the disease isn't always workable at home people need specialist care.

It is a hard adjustment but it can work.

 

[Mary9]

Care Home Worries

Oh gosh so glad I read this and realise I am not alone my mom has now been in a care home for three weeks and everytime I visit she gets her bag and asks to come home someone has to distract her so as I can sneak off but then I feel awful as I haven't said goodbye, I know she is in the safest place and it is better for her. Will find out inanother three weeks if the care home will keep her or not, if they won' t take her I will dread having to move her it willbe a nightmare, thoughts and encouragement with you all x