Mum died two weeks ago and since then I have dealt with everything and apart from being exhausted feel no grief. To begin with I thought I just felt relief that she was at peace and to be honest relief that I had managed to cope and be there for her till the end. However after a beautiful funeral, seeing all the familly etc. I still feel no emotion. i wonder if it is because the person mum had become wasn't really my mother any more. Or maybe I have already grieved for her over the past few years. As it is I feel guilty..yes that again....for not feeling unhappy! Has anyone else gone through anything like this or am I a monster?
No grief. Am I a monster?
- Thread starter CJW
- Start date
I think it may be a combination of things. Yes, you have been grieving for a long time now but also I think there may be an element of shock so it may not have yet registered.
No, you are not a monster. Rather, it's simply that your grief may not have manifested itself yet. The first big tests will be those first anniversarys - her birthday, Christmas, etc.
Besides, who is to say what grief is or is not? I have always been of the opinion (probably unfairly but it's my opinion) that those who go on and on and are drama queens aren't grieving any more than someone who isn't saying anything at all.
Be kind to yourself - this disease is long and hard on us all. You grieve in whatever way is appropriate to you, even though you may not recognize it.
No, you are not a monster. Rather, it's simply that your grief may not have manifested itself yet. The first big tests will be those first anniversarys - her birthday, Christmas, etc.
Besides, who is to say what grief is or is not? I have always been of the opinion (probably unfairly but it's my opinion) that those who go on and on and are drama queens aren't grieving any more than someone who isn't saying anything at all.
Be kind to yourself - this disease is long and hard on us all. You grieve in whatever way is appropriate to you, even though you may not recognize it.
I don't know much about grieving but I know one thing CJW - you're certainly not a monster. At the moment you're probably just too exhausted to grieve. Give yourself a break. Big hugs x
As you said, you are exhausted. You have been grieving for the slow loss of your Mum for so long on her journey through dementia. Your Mum is at peace, she no longer needs you.
You did so much for your Mum while she was still alive - that's what is really important and that is why you should feel no guilt.
Please try to relax and pamper yourself knowing that you were there for your Mum when she needed you but that you have both now been released from everything that dementia brings.
You did so much for your Mum while she was still alive - that's what is really important and that is why you should feel no guilt.
Please try to relax and pamper yourself knowing that you were there for your Mum when she needed you but that you have both now been released from everything that dementia brings.
you are definitely NOT a monster. If not showing grief made us monsters, we would be over-run with them. I felt very much the same as you CJW, as I also didn't show or feel able to show any emotion. My parents both passed away within six weeks of each other, and as an only child had all the responsibility of clearing the house, arranging the funerals and also dealing with all the things that one must after a death. In addition to this my AD husband had just had a stroke. When things finally settled down, I think I was just plain too exhausted to grieve in the way that people expect. I do however, think of my parents every day and remember them with love, which is possibly my way of grieving.
A BIG HUG to you CJW, I hope you start to get some rest from everything soon
A BIG HUG to you CJW, I hope you start to get some rest from everything soon
You are far from being a monster. You are quite possibly running on adrenalin, which will eventually run out, then you may well have a reaction of sorts.
That or there will be a 'trigger' and you'll suddenly feel it
You may not- maybe you have grieved while they were alive.
That or there will be a 'trigger' and you'll suddenly feel it
You may not- maybe you have grieved while they were alive.
I didn't shed a single tear when my Mum died of Dementia in 2011. Mum was fed up and wanted to go even though she didn't suffer half as much as some peoples loved ones on here do. I grieved when my husband died a year later but tbh that was me feeling very sorry for myself and scared. I was pleased he was out of pain and hopefully going somewhere better.
Now as an only child I am just left with Dad, I don't want him to suffer either. I am still only 52 and find the future compleletey on my own really frightening but that is my problem. Dad has front temporal lobe disease plus Alzheimer's, one day I just want him to fall asleep forever.
Now as an only child I am just left with Dad, I don't want him to suffer either. I am still only 52 and find the future compleletey on my own really frightening but that is my problem. Dad has front temporal lobe disease plus Alzheimer's, one day I just want him to fall asleep forever.
I agree with all the others. There could be many reasons for how you 're feeling at the moment. Most likely explanation is shock, relief and exhaustion. I think it's likely that your feelings will change over time anyway
Be kind to yourself and just let things unravel. There's still help on here if the grief starts later
Take care
x
Be kind to yourself and just let things unravel. There's still help on here if the grief starts later
Take care
x
CJW
There is no one way to behave after losing someone you love; you may be in shock, then again you may not. Whatever the case you are no monster. A monster wouldn't have cared for her Mum as well as you did. Be kind to yourself CJW
Take care
Lyn T
There is no one way to behave after losing someone you love; you may be in shock, then again you may not. Whatever the case you are no monster. A monster wouldn't have cared for her Mum as well as you did. Be kind to yourself CJW
Take care
Lyn T
Of course you're not a monster.
I shed tears in the run up to my mum's funeral but I think that was a reaction to seeing what she went through in her final week more than anything else and relief - almost disbelief- that her suffering was now over. I certainly wouldn't have wanted her to struggle through another day.
I replaced more recent photos of her with earlier ones and coming up to the anniversary of her death on Christmas Eve 2012, I am now able to look back beyond the dementia years to remember the person she really was. I will drink a silent toast to her but there won't be any sadness, just a quiet "thanks, Mum".
None of us should be surprised that one day our parents won't be there for us any more. I find that celebrating what we have rather than focusing on regrets about what we don't makes that easier to accept.
I shed tears in the run up to my mum's funeral but I think that was a reaction to seeing what she went through in her final week more than anything else and relief - almost disbelief- that her suffering was now over. I certainly wouldn't have wanted her to struggle through another day.
I replaced more recent photos of her with earlier ones and coming up to the anniversary of her death on Christmas Eve 2012, I am now able to look back beyond the dementia years to remember the person she really was. I will drink a silent toast to her but there won't be any sadness, just a quiet "thanks, Mum".
None of us should be surprised that one day our parents won't be there for us any more. I find that celebrating what we have rather than focusing on regrets about what we don't makes that easier to accept.
I have deleted all the photos of my husband taken the months before he died and replaced all earlier ones.
It certainly helped me.
As for the original poster wondering if she is a monster, well I hope she can take comfort from all the messages on here. We do all grieve in different ways. There may well come a trigger, perhaps in a shop when you pick up something intending to buy it for her and suddenly realise she has gone, sometimes a song, or a favourite place.
You obviously loved your mother so try not to feel guilty about not crying.
Thank you all. You have made me feel much better. For now I can't remember mum pre dementia so I will just wait and see and hope. I think perhaps I put up such a barrier to protect myself from her cruel dementia self that it will take time to break through. I was sad in the last few days of her life, seeing her so lost and helpless, but I was grateful too that even at the end when she did not recognise me, when I told her my name she murmured "my girl". I think thats what I mentally need to get back to, being her girl and her being "my mum".
Tons of love
Chris
Tons of love
Chris
You are a wonderful daughter
You stayed and cared when others would have ran away. That is the ultimate in love and worth more than tears. We can all only hope to some day have someone as caring as yourself to be there at our journey end. Be proud not ashamed. You deserve to feel anyway you want to. No-one else has walked your journey.
I wish you peace and contentment to enjoy life again knowing that your Mums suffering is over.
You stayed and cared when others would have ran away. That is the ultimate in love and worth more than tears. We can all only hope to some day have someone as caring as yourself to be there at our journey end. Be proud not ashamed. You deserve to feel anyway you want to. No-one else has walked your journey.
I wish you peace and contentment to enjoy life again knowing that your Mums suffering is over.
Well, if you're a monster - then so am I! Dad died at the end of August and I didn't feel a huge outpouring of grief then, nor do I now. One size doesn't fit all, and we are all different. I do however remember several moments during his time in care - stages when I realised he was irreversibly lost, which I would describe as grief without a doubt, and they hit me like a ton of bricks at the time.
The other day one of 'his' songs was played on TV - 'Annie's song' by John Denver. It was played at his funeral as we left the crematorium. I spotted my husband looking nervously at me as if he was waiting for me to crumble, but it made me smile. Whenever I think of dad, it makes me smile. I was a very lucky girl to have had a dad like him. I miss him terribly - of course. I miss holding his rough hands and planting a kiss on his stubbly cheek when I used to visit - but I totally accept that he is gone. The sadness for me was also in dad's living, at the end - but not in his dying.
The other day one of 'his' songs was played on TV - 'Annie's song' by John Denver. It was played at his funeral as we left the crematorium. I spotted my husband looking nervously at me as if he was waiting for me to crumble, but it made me smile. Whenever I think of dad, it makes me smile. I was a very lucky girl to have had a dad like him. I miss him terribly - of course. I miss holding his rough hands and planting a kiss on his stubbly cheek when I used to visit - but I totally accept that he is gone. The sadness for me was also in dad's living, at the end - but not in his dying.
Last edited:
It's good to read this as my Mum died 2 weeks ago and I have cried just twice, once immediately after and at the funeral. I came to the conclusion that I have grieved over the last few years, I cried buckets when we put her in a home, and at various stages over the last couple of years, with each bit of deterioration.
I loved her loads and will miss her but feel that it was her time.
Someone once said to me that your worst loss isn't always a death and in Mum's case, that is how I feel.
I loved her loads and will miss her but feel that it was her time.
Someone once said to me that your worst loss isn't always a death and in Mum's case, that is how I feel.
