Feeling awful....

[Insomniac]

Feeling awful. Just put mum in CH this afternoon. She didn't know we were doing it and didn't think we could do it. Wouldn't discuss beforehand (doesn't think there's anything wrong anyway) so it had to be this way. We had carers in every day but she insisted on going out every day too - problems with keys, money, taxis etc and her poor mobility made me think it was the right time and a place had become available in my chosen care home. Everyone told me it was the right thing to do. We just had to leave her there this afternoon and I feel dreadful. Just phoned and they said she's threatening to phone the police and refusing food. Says she's going on hunger strike. Has anyone ever had to take their parent out of CH?? I feel horrible, and ashamed that I've done this. Can't see the light at the end of the dark tunnel at the moment.








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[marionq]

It is going to be a bumpy ride for the next few days until she settles. Phone the home before you visit and take their advice about when to go. Good luck.

 

[Cornishman]

I had similar feelings of guilt and concern whether as a family we were doing the right thing, but it always came back to the reality that things were not going to get better, and my mum was to be in a place where we knew she was safe. We just couldn't offer her that 24/7.

It's a major step change for your mum and all who love her too, but thinking back to my mum's situation, it was probably better to take decisive action rather than wait until something more untoward happened that would lead to the same outcome - that is, it really was in her best interests to be looked after in a CH. My mum settled fortunately very quickly and I've never had any concerns about the standard of her care and her overall welfare.

Things will get easier and the first few days can be the hardest.

Good luck and best wishes for the future.

 

[Insomniac]

It is going to be a bumpy ride for the next few days until she settles. Phone the home before you visit and take their advice about when to go. Good luck.

I don't think she'll want to see me again after this!! Yes, I'll def follow their advice about visiting. Thank-you for advice.


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[Insomniac]

I had similar feelings of guilt and concern whether as a family we were doing the right thing, but it always came back to the reality that things were not going to get better, and my mum was to be in a place where we knew she was safe. We just couldn't offer her that 24/7.

That's it Cornishman, head says its right, heart says no. It's still hard, despite knowing she has this disease, to rationalise everything. Everything you know is turned on its head. Thanks for sharing your experience, hopefully it'll turn out well for my mum too.



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[flossielime]

Hi insomniac

I just wanted to say (((((((((hugs))))))))))) and feel for you so much. I am just at the stage of making the decision to put dad in a care home. So have not been through it yet but I know I soon will be in a similar situation. I suppose the first few days will be the worst and then things will settle. Well that's my hope!

Good luck and and I would love to hear more about how it goes.

 

[Solihull]

Hi Insomniac, my mom has been in care for about 7 weeks & it is still hard for me to accept even though she is 91, was hospitalised with dehydration & near malnutrition, forgot her meds and insisted she was ok even though she did not remember what she had eaten last or what day it was. She is now clean, well fed and above all -safe. I love her dearly and it has been very emotional as each time I visit she announces that she is coming home with me & this reminds me of leaving my son at school when he was little. I am told she is fine after I leave & the carers all love her as she is "no trouble". I think this new life is sometimes interrupted with our visits & causes confusion so I have reduced my visits to twice a week & she seems to have settled a bit now. I have felt all the same feelings as yourself but please remind yourself as to why you made this decision and why everyone agrees with you -there is no alternative -it is not your fault.
I will be thinking of you xx Sue

 

[Insomniac]

Hi insomniac

I just wanted to say (((((((((hugs))))))))))) and feel for you so much. I am just at the stage of making the decision to put dad in a care home. So have not been through it yet but I know I soon will be in a similar situation. I suppose the first few days will be the worst and then things will settle. Well that's my hope!

Good luck and and I would love to hear more about how it goes.

Thanks Flossielime. There are so many of us in this situation! I NEVER want my kids to have to go thru this... I'll let you know how it goes. This is day 1 so feeling very raw (me and mum)


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[Witzend]

Many sympathies - we had to 'trick' our mother into her CH too, and we hated it. But she would never have agreed to go - why would she, when according to her there was nothing wrong with her? But she was so bad by then and was in urgent need of 24/7 care. I can't pretend the first days and weeks were easy - visits were very stressful for quite a while, but she did settle eventually. I can't say she has ever really been happy there, but then she hadn't been happy at home either. There was never any question of taking her home - she was asking endlessly for quite a while - she was simply not safe to be left at all and there was no alternative to the CH.

I know all too well how awful you must be feeling. But please try to remember that you did not take this decision lightly at all. Almost certainly things will get better, but it may take quite a while.

 

[Insomniac]

I have felt all the same feelings as yourself but please remind yourself as to why you made this decision and why everyone agrees with you -there is no alternative -it is not your fault.
I will be thinking of you xx Sue

Wise words Sue, thank-you!


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[Maddcow]

In the same position

My 83 year old mother, diagnosed a month ago with Alzheimer's, but steadily declining over the last few fraught months, is to go into a CH nearer me next week; the frequent visits to her, 150 miles away,have taken their toll on my health so my sister and I have decided that now is the time. I am dreading it all, she really has no concept of leaving the village that's been home since 1958, and not only am I dealing with shutting up her house until we put it on the market, I also have to deal with her elderly friends, all of whom are heartbroken to see her leave. Mother herself only seems concerned with what she must take with her, and if I have to tell her once more that yes, she can take her favourite paintings, I will scream!!
What keeps me going is that I have chosen a CH with a Christian ethos, which is what Mother would want, it is a specialist dementia home and the staff have all worked together for 10 years plus but that still doesn't take away the fact that I feel as if I've signed her death warrant. Wish me luck next week when I drive from Northants to Somerset to Warwickshire and then home to Northants and hope that Mother settles quickly. I may have "lost" my mum but I'm doing my best for the person that's left......

 

[Insomniac]

There was never any question of taking her home - she was asking endlessly for quite a while - she was simply not safe to be left at all and there was no alternative to the CH.

I know all too well how awful you must be feeling. But please try to remember that you did not take this decision lightly at all. Almost certainly things will get better, but it may take quite a while.

Yes Witzend, still feeling awful. Apparently she dosed in the chair last night, but is refusing to eat and keeps going down to the door. Think they are concerned she may 'slip out' between visitors. Was almost giving up today and going to take her out but have gathered some strength from friends and know I have to stick it out. As you well know though its horrendous! I keep reminding myself how bad things were before is the best they will ever be again. This is only going to get worse and we would more than likely find ourselves back in this situation or worse in 3 or 4 months.


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[Insomniac]

Madcow, you sound like you have things well under control ! It will be hard for you and your mum undoubtedly, but you are so lucky that she can be involved in some of the planning. I would love to have involved my mum in some if the decisions but that was never going to be a possibility. Hope things go well for you both.


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