Snook off without dad feel rottten

[2197alexandra]

Today was my eldests 17th birthday. We had a day planned starting off with a 2 hour driving lesson followed by a family meal at the pub in the next village and then him going to see his girl friend tonight.


As you will probably know I take and include dad in almost everything we do and today was no exception but as the time was looming for us to leave for dinner I went out to dads room and he had fell back sleep.

With only an hour to go till our table booking I thought this is gonna be pushing it getting him ready and out the door. So I started worrying what I was going to do and then I stopped and thought this is my sons 17th birthday a really important birthday in our house he can learn to drive now. I made the decision to leave dad where he was. I felt a right meany. But it wasn't fair on my boy. I knew it would end up me concentrating on looking after dad, feeding him etc that it wouldn't be much of a birthday meal.

So off we went I logged into dad cam and we had the meal without him. I felt miserable throughout the whole meal but kept it too myself. Dad should of been with us he's part of our family and I snook off without him.

Dad slept through the whole meal and still is fast asleep he wouldn't even know we've been anywhere but it don't make me feel any better.

 

[Oxy]

Yes you feel bad and underhand but your dad was safe and knows nothing about it. You would I'm sure not have left him, if he would have been in danger.
I hope your son had a good first driving lesson and enjoyed his birthday meal. It is nice for him that he could be centre of attention. Don't feel guilty, time and place for everything!

 

[susy]

Don't feel bad, if he was totally with it he probably would have been pleased to see everyone but he would also appreciate the time to himself, to sleep or watch telly or whatever he wanted.
Happy birthday to your son. I do hope he is having a lovely day. Do take the good things out of life and allow yourself to enjoy them xx

 

[Gigglemore]

If your Dad slept through it all he clearly needed to rest and you did the kindest thing in leaving him undisturbed. You were not being mean and have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.

I can understand that you feel sad that he was not up to joining in this time, and that you missed having him there - but he was asleep and absolutely fine so just focus on what a good birthday your son had.

 

[Lindy50]

I think you did the best by everyone Alexandra I hope your son had a great birthday and that your dad is okay.

The only person who suffered, it seems, is you You missed your dad because you love him, and it feels right that he should be at family celebrations. But he wasn't up to it today, so please cut yourself some slack, you did nothing wrong at all

All the best

Lindy xx

 

[Ann Mac]

Hi Alexandra,

I really get where you are coming from, hun. Hubs is an only child, and throughout our marriage, his Mum has been included massively in everything we do, especially events involving the children - it wouldn't have occurred to us that she wouldn't be there at every birthday, starting school day, play, party - you name it, Mil was always there, and all of us always wanted her there.

But dementia has changed all this. Mil simply cannot cope with a lot of family events any more - long days or late nights are as unfair to her as the resulting behaviour and confusion are to the rest of the family. Its heartbreaking, and so sad, but I've had to bash the guilt monster on the head and accept this. I tell myself that nowadays, she forgets literally within an hour where she has been (sometimes within minutes) so there is no chance that she will remember that she hasn't been either. I remind myself how stressed and unhappy she gets, and I also remind myself that the 'old Mil' would be horrified if she thought her behaviour would spoil an occasion for her beloved Grandchildren - which it did do, a few times, before I accepted that we had to give up on including her in everything.

Your Dad obviously needed the sleep hun, and was probably better for that than he would have been trying to cope with a family event, no matter what the occasion, whilst already tired. I think you needed him to be there, more than he needed to be there - which is completely understandable, I've felt exactly the same, so many times.

As Lindy says, cut yourself some slack - you did do the right thing, both for your Dad and your son xxx

 

[mrsted]

Please do not feel guilty, I had the same dilemma last year when my daughters were 18. We had a party at the local hotel and basically left it up to my FIL if he wanted to come. He did bless him and to be fair the daughters friends were brill with him, but I hate to say I did not really enjoy most of the night as I had one eye on him and one on the rest of the proceedings. He loves everyone and tried on a number of occasions to discuss his life story with some of the girls's friends.
I am so pleased he managed to come but felt that I could not relax until he had left. As cruel as it sounds you still have to have "family" time, and try not to feel guilty as hard as that might be.
K
xx