Does anyone else have experience of this? The worse my mother (who still lives on her own but is always in a bit of a state) seems to get, the more my own family back off and leave me to her. She has no friends now having alienated friends and family but of course can't remember what has happened and complains of being lonely all the time, which indeed she is.There's no point in telling her they just don't like her - it would seem a bit cruel. She probably wouldn't remember even if they did visit. I feel by the end of this I will be in a similar situation with no friends and a family that really aren't bothered with me any more either, as I never have time for them. Well thats not quite true but its pretty hard to fit it all in. I can't say I blame them - maybe if I was given half a chance I too would always have something better to do than pander to her. Unfortunately it seems I have been chosen as the sacrificial lamb - their lives are all too important with jobs, mortgages, kids etc - and of course they have all moved away so can't possibly help anyway. They don't want her to visit as she is a liability and spoils the "fun" by getting nasty, so I have to lie to her and say I don't see them either. Also why would I want to spoil things for them by asking for help they don't want to give or asking them to visit if they don't want to. I guess they had an inkling of what was to come by all moving away! Actually they can all justify how they are by saying I shouldn't do it and I should just leave her to it and only visit once a week max, and indeed probably think I am not giving them all the attention they deserve, she has always been demanding and trained me well. It just seems so cruel to leave a lonely old woman to it though and she would deteriorate if I just left her I am sure. But why does the choice have to be so hard? I feel I am having to chose between my mum or my family and I love my family but feel let down and don't want to think bad things of any of them. Yet in the back of my mind lurks that horrible thought that they will all be present if ever a will was being read. I think I am having a bad day but it is a worry, or maybe the paranoia is setting in and I am headed the same way as her. Anyway maybe writing this down will help - just wondered if anyone else ever feels this way?
losing my own family
- Thread starter catherine1
- Start date
Did I just write that or think outloud? No? So that must mean there of two of us out there plus many more that don't know of.
I get told to walk away and leave Mum to it if she is being nasty, I don't need to go as she won't remember.
They don't offer to come and see her, I am just told not to bother going .
I get told to walk away and leave Mum to it if she is being nasty, I don't need to go as she won't remember.
They don't offer to come and see her, I am just told not to bother going .Well at least now I know I am not alone feeling like this though of course it may only be us two!!
The problem is ( and I probably really shouldn't think so deeply about things but can't help it) are our families right? Should we be letting these old people drag us and our families down, maybe we should just leave them to it.Maybe they are just stronger than me in dealing with her. I think she will survive as her survival instinct is pretty strong though i doubt she would be happy, but she isn't happy anyway,. Maybe we are just too weak to walk away more on account of our own feelings and guilt - maybe others are just much more sensible and better equipped psychologically to deal with it and know best. The papers are full of stories of lonely old people - maybe they deserve it for being so nasty. Are we flattering ourselves that we are the best thing for these old folks because I rarely get any thanks, just moaning. Its all very complicated and i don't want to condemn my family when maybe the fault if any is with me - why would I want to sacrifice their happiness as well. very confused as you can probably guess.
The problem is ( and I probably really shouldn't think so deeply about things but can't help it) are our families right? Should we be letting these old people drag us and our families down, maybe we should just leave them to it.Maybe they are just stronger than me in dealing with her. I think she will survive as her survival instinct is pretty strong though i doubt she would be happy, but she isn't happy anyway,. Maybe we are just too weak to walk away more on account of our own feelings and guilt - maybe others are just much more sensible and better equipped psychologically to deal with it and know best. The papers are full of stories of lonely old people - maybe they deserve it for being so nasty. Are we flattering ourselves that we are the best thing for these old folks because I rarely get any thanks, just moaning. Its all very complicated and i don't want to condemn my family when maybe the fault if any is with me - why would I want to sacrifice their happiness as well. very confused as you can probably guess.
Hi
I am not in your position, but do feel that all any of us can do is what we think it right. You are obviously a very caring person, who although you may not like your mum at times clearly want to make sure she is cared for.
As for the rest of your family, they have shown they dont want to get involved, so I guess you just have to accept that is how it is. Try not to compare what they are not doing to what you are doing. In your own mind decide how involved you are going to be in your mum's care and just do it. Dont be influenced by them. Dont ever label yourself as a sacrifical lamb - you are just someone who cares.
Take care
Sue
I am not in your position, but do feel that all any of us can do is what we think it right. You are obviously a very caring person, who although you may not like your mum at times clearly want to make sure she is cared for.
As for the rest of your family, they have shown they dont want to get involved, so I guess you just have to accept that is how it is. Try not to compare what they are not doing to what you are doing. In your own mind decide how involved you are going to be in your mum's care and just do it. Dont be influenced by them. Dont ever label yourself as a sacrifical lamb - you are just someone who cares.
Take care
Sue
Hi add me to the growing list!!!
My hubby is a lovely man who has done everything over the years for his family.
Since the stroke we've hardly seen them and since the dementia seen them once.
No time for them at all.
You are better off without the family although I am sure it doesn't feel like it.
At least we will be able to live with ourselves which I am not sure they will if anything happens.
Take care. At least everyone on the forum understands
My hubby is a lovely man who has done everything over the years for his family.
Since the stroke we've hardly seen them and since the dementia seen them once.
No time for them at all.
You are better off without the family although I am sure it doesn't feel like it.
At least we will be able to live with ourselves which I am not sure they will if anything happens.
Take care. At least everyone on the forum understands
Has your mother always been difficult or is it just the illness? If the latter, how would you - or the rest of the family feel if they were in her position? There is an awful lot of the "there but for the race of God go I " about dementia - it could be any one of us, at any time. You sound like a wonderful daughter, your mother is fortunate - even if not happy.
Looks like we're back on the 'invisibles' thread again - it's amazing how many times this comes up isn't it? So many people let down by their families when they're really needed. If only they realised the strain of caring and how sharing the load of caring by several people wouldn't be so hard
Yup, add me too!!!!
My brother is away for a fortnight on his first holiday of the year. We havnt had a holiday for 6 years, but will he take mum for a week? Highly doubtful..............
My brother is away for a fortnight on his first holiday of the year. We havnt had a holiday for 6 years, but will he take mum for a week? Highly doubtful..............
You're not alone in this, no consolation I know! If you look up the invisibles thread you'll see loads of people have the same problem and can empathise with you xxxxe
If you look up the invisibles thread you'll see loads of people have the same problem and can empathise with you xxxxe
hope you have better days
Early in my time of looking after my Mum I had feelings like this. Then one day a friend pointed out to me that we all have choices and i have CHOSEN to look after Mum and also to look after my husband.
I don't think there is any reward for what you have chosen to do except that many people are watching you, wishing you well, using you as an example of what a daughter should do for her mother. Draw on that thought when you waver. You are a beacon to some people on here and in your neighbourhood. You are a good daughter. Your siblings are "Oh him! He doesn't know what family means".
After all this is over you will be glad you did what you did.
Sue.
Early in my time of looking after my Mum I had feelings like this. Then one day a friend pointed out to me that we all have choices and i have CHOSEN to look after Mum and also to look after my husband.
I don't think there is any reward for what you have chosen to do except that many people are watching you, wishing you well, using you as an example of what a daughter should do for her mother. Draw on that thought when you waver. You are a beacon to some people on here and in your neighbourhood. You are a good daughter. Your siblings are "Oh him! He doesn't know what family means".
After all this is over you will be glad you did what you did.
Sue.
Having notified my brother of the existence of two cheques in the names of his 2 daughters, which came from the closure of the two accounts held in their names by my late mother, arranged by myself, he's arranged to come over to the UK from Germany to pick them up within weeks. This contrasts sharply with the fact that he left a 4-month gap between visits to see our father (in the care home he put him into).
He'll visit my father during the 3 days he's over here to pick up and deposit the cheques but this isn't the main motive of his visit - it's the money!
My subsequent emails to him regarding other issues connected with our father's finances have been ignored. Yet he's an attorney as well as myself, as is my mother's sister, who also takes no active role besides visiting my father every so many weeks and acting like she's Mother Teresa for even doing this!
The self-interest is quite sickening but sadly predictable in a lot of families.
What's even worse is that these 'non-carers' tend to flock together and leave the carer types out in the cold.
It's all about being socially popular and being 'the big I am' with these types, nothing about practical action.
You should see it as a bonus that people with such an obvious lack of moral integrity are out of your life
He'll visit my father during the 3 days he's over here to pick up and deposit the cheques but this isn't the main motive of his visit - it's the money!
My subsequent emails to him regarding other issues connected with our father's finances have been ignored. Yet he's an attorney as well as myself, as is my mother's sister, who also takes no active role besides visiting my father every so many weeks and acting like she's Mother Teresa for even doing this!
The self-interest is quite sickening but sadly predictable in a lot of families.
What's even worse is that these 'non-carers' tend to flock together and leave the carer types out in the cold.
It's all about being socially popular and being 'the big I am' with these types, nothing about practical action.
You should see it as a bonus that people with such an obvious lack of moral integrity are out of your life
Last edited:
I think the reason they 'flock together' is it makes them feel better being with others who take the 'non-caring' role, together they can all feel that what they are doing (or not doing!) is accceptable. If they spend time with those doing the caring then perhaps the guilt kicks in. It's far easier for them to stick together and look on, they feed off one another and can convince themselves that they are in the right.
I honestly think they believe what they are doing is right.
My sister loves mum dearly, I know that, she is concerned for mum's welfare and wants what is best for her. BUT that care only stretches up to a point, if it impacts on her normal life then she draws the line. I have visited mum 3 times in the last week, my sister has been once in 3 weeks. She informed me on the phone that she is planning on visiting mum once a month from now on, she is too busy (she doesn't work), she has 3 kids (so do I), she has to spend time with her husband at weekends because he works all week (so do I, my husband also works all week!). She also used the hateful phrase 'It's not as if mum is aware of how often anyone visits, she wont know' - now while I know that this is probably true I also know how much mum's face lights up when a familiar face walks in the door, she may not remember that I visited yesterday but I know while I was there she was briefly soothed by my presence and that makes visiting worthwhile.
My sister tells me I should visit less often, she says I need to live my own life and that 'mum wouldn't want you to put your life on hold for her'- now while she could be right, I also feel that she wants me to have the same attitude as her because it will make her feel better and less guilty. I'm afraid I wont be visiting less often, whether she remembers me or not she is my mum! Yes, visiting is hard and upsetting but to me every moment (even the unpleasant, stressful ones) is precious because at some point mum wont be there anymore and I dont want to look back and wish I'd spent more time with her.
At the end of the day you have to do what you feel is right, if others feel they are right in not visiting and not being involved in the 'caring' then that's up to them. Personally I do what I do out of love and respect for my mum, it isn't always easy but it feels right to me + I have no regrets about it.
Yes, there are quite a few of us here, thinking the same as you. And, like Nessa, my family now have an enormous amount of time to devote to sorting out her estate now she has died. In fact, I have now become the 'invisible' - they behave as if the 'ill years' never happened, and have, I'm sure, rewritten their part in it so that they can convince themselves they visited quite often.
I would guess that, like many of us, you wouldn't want to be the sort of person that looked the other way. I wasn't a victim - I wanted to do what I did. be proud of that.
I would guess that, like many of us, you wouldn't want to be the sort of person that looked the other way. I wasn't a victim - I wanted to do what I did. be proud of that.
I have read your replies and I suppose all I can do is take one day at a time, and so far today is pretty awful. Its pretty sad that I have to sit here and "confess" to a computer how I feel ( sorry no insult meant there) as if I let on how I really feel about all this to my family, then I am sure it would just make things worse between them and mum. so will try and keep smiling and wonder how on earth am I going to cope when my daughter returns from her work abroad this weekend and what will her reaction be if I ask her to visit mother with me, or do I spoil the fun once again by inviting my mother to us as well. She has told my daughter to" F..k off " on several occasions so why would she want to visit?
And why has today been bad? I took my mum to her GP ( she had an appointment but didn't remember why - a long mixed up story). I told him I thought it may be due to her bad back and he prescribed paracetamol - I said there is not much chance of her taking them as she tips all pills into a bag and then just takes whatever colour she fancies, if any. I also told him about how she never wants to pay bills ( I have P of A but the bank that sponsors this site won't allow me a card and have recommended stealing/intercepting her online banking codes and cheque book but she demanded the cheque book back and it's now lost) and refuses my " interference" and that I feel so vulnerable ( she still drives but is currently refusing to pay her car insurance) and that she plans on booking a holiday and not telling me where. He asked her to try and be reasonable in accepting help as I told him I seem to have all the responsibility and none of the ......??? he finished the sentance and said rights and I think that is what I mean. I told him she had said she would slit her throat if I ever tried to stop her driving and her response was I had no sense of humour and exaggerate everything ( her normal response). Anyway we got the paracetamol and I took her to try and get a clock with day, date , time and month (she had one but won't really use it because I got it for her) as she never knows what day it is and can't fathom out the month if it is not in writing. Of course she then decided she didn't need my help or the clock and who the hell are all these paracetamol for. Needless to say I didn't feel up to tackling the car insurance problem but have till the end of the month when it expires. Anyway this confession has helped a bit and at least the tears have stopped. What I do about all the other problems that keep piling up one on top of the other I don't know. But anyway it is good to know I am not alone though even that feels horrid to say. I really don't know who I am any more. A control freak, a humourless worthless useless unmentionable, or an easily manipulated idiot. Probably all of them depending on how the day is going!
And why has today been bad? I took my mum to her GP ( she had an appointment but didn't remember why - a long mixed up story). I told him I thought it may be due to her bad back and he prescribed paracetamol - I said there is not much chance of her taking them as she tips all pills into a bag and then just takes whatever colour she fancies, if any. I also told him about how she never wants to pay bills ( I have P of A but the bank that sponsors this site won't allow me a card and have recommended stealing/intercepting her online banking codes and cheque book but she demanded the cheque book back and it's now lost) and refuses my " interference" and that I feel so vulnerable ( she still drives but is currently refusing to pay her car insurance) and that she plans on booking a holiday and not telling me where. He asked her to try and be reasonable in accepting help as I told him I seem to have all the responsibility and none of the ......??? he finished the sentance and said rights and I think that is what I mean. I told him she had said she would slit her throat if I ever tried to stop her driving and her response was I had no sense of humour and exaggerate everything ( her normal response). Anyway we got the paracetamol and I took her to try and get a clock with day, date , time and month (she had one but won't really use it because I got it for her) as she never knows what day it is and can't fathom out the month if it is not in writing. Of course she then decided she didn't need my help or the clock and who the hell are all these paracetamol for. Needless to say I didn't feel up to tackling the car insurance problem but have till the end of the month when it expires. Anyway this confession has helped a bit and at least the tears have stopped. What I do about all the other problems that keep piling up one on top of the other I don't know. But anyway it is good to know I am not alone though even that feels horrid to say. I really don't know who I am any more. A control freak, a humourless worthless useless unmentionable, or an easily manipulated idiot. Probably all of them depending on how the day is going!
Catharine, it sounds awful, and I'm sure it is awful, and you are getting no help from the family. I strongly advise you to try and set some limits for your responsibility - you cannot achieve the impossible, you cannot solve all your mum's problems, and even if you did, new ones would just appear. You can only concentrate on trying to keep her as safe as possible, but the other things - they will be a muddle, they will go wrong, and you have to see that this cannot be your responsibility. You also need to limit your exposure - that doesn't mean not visiting your mum, but it means drawing up some boundaries to protect yourself so that you don't get dragged down into a depression where you are no help to anyone. I know it's easier said than done..
I dont want to add to your woes, but if your mum has a formal diagnosis of dementia has the DVLA been informed as they may well revoke her license. You should also notify her insurance company who may not renew her policy. I know this is another thing for you to deal with, but obviously the implications of not taking action are also quite severe.
driving
My mum attends a memory clinic. I am not sure if she has dementia or not ( they have never actually said - they just give a score) they said at the last one she had deteriorated a bit. the time before that they told me she could drive. Her doctor knows she drives and told her she needs to make sure she renews her insurance.. Surely if they say she can drive why would I be resposible for going to the DVLA and telling them she can't without a written diagnosis - thats what I mean by I seem to be responsible without having any authority or rights. Do I go against what the memory clinic say just because I have doubts and fears.
My mum attends a memory clinic. I am not sure if she has dementia or not ( they have never actually said - they just give a score) they said at the last one she had deteriorated a bit. the time before that they told me she could drive. Her doctor knows she drives and told her she needs to make sure she renews her insurance.. Surely if they say she can drive why would I be resposible for going to the DVLA and telling them she can't without a written diagnosis - thats what I mean by I seem to be responsible without having any authority or rights. Do I go against what the memory clinic say just because I have doubts and fears.
I don't think this is your responsibility. Your mother has recently seen a doctor, and no-one seems to be trying to stop her from driving. I sympathise with the lack of a diagnosis, which seems a common occurrence, but at least in that case you can say with a clear conscience that there is nothing to inform the DVLA about. If you are worried about your mother's driving (you don't say if you think it is bad), then I would tell the doctor.
I did have to persuade my aunt to stop driving, but that was after a diagnosis, and on the advice of a doctor.
I think it is unfair the way we end up feeling responsible for everything, but powerless to achieve anything.
Dont get me wrong, I wasnt trying to have a go. I had just presumed that your mum had been diagnosed with dementia and apologise if I got that wrong. As I understand it once a diagnosis is made the doctor should inform the DVLA, but if no specific diagnosis has been made then obviously there is no need.
Last edited:
