Lost and lonely.

[Rachel T]

It's been 10 days since my mother died and I think I have just began to realise what I have lost.

I thought I was dealing with it well, I have sorted out everything just waiting for the funeral which is 2 weeks today. Getting on with life as normal as I could when another very sad death happened. My next door neighbour lost her mother on Friday, she come to tell me the same day, I was very sorry for her.

This makes me sound selfish and jealous but ever since my neighbours mum has died the street has been full of her family and friends all going round with flowers and cards etc. When my mum died no one come to see me, I have no other family apart from my son who has just carried on as normal, out with his mates and clubbing (he even went to a party the day she died) my husband is at work all the time.

As for friends I haven't that many and the ones I have got are so wrapped up in their own lives. This has made me realise now what I have lost. My mum was always there for me she always wanted to be with me even when she was so ill.

I have no job( I am looking for work)and I'm now on my own all day, I feel so alone in the world. I have no-one to tell how I feel that's why I am posting this. Sorry to be so self pitying.

 

[CaPattinson]

Dear Rachel, I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds as though you have no support at all. Its very sad. Let us here be your support. I lost my mum, feels like the worst thing in the world. Have you anyone else to talk to, the SW perhaps?

If it helps, please share your feelings with us. You are not alone. Always friends here to listen xxxxxx

 

[Skye]

Dear Rachel

You sound so sad and alone. Partly it's the loss of your mum, partly that you feel you haven't a support network of your own.

Please believe your feelings are natural. I lost my husband in July, and went through the same feelings of isolationm. Although my friends have been very supportive, and still are, it's family you want, they are the only ones who can share your grief. When they let you down, as some of mine did me, it just makes the gap in your life feel so much wider.

I can only repeat what Chris has said. There is lots of support here on TP. Several of us have lost our loved ones recently, and we lnow what you are going through.

Love,

 

[turbo]

Hello Rachel, I am sorry that you are feeling sad and lonely. You are not self pitying, you have just lost a much loved mum. Please keep posting, you will find lots of support on here.

Turbo

 

[Rachel T]

Thanks for your kinds words, please don't get me wrong, my son is lovely I just don't think he realises how bad I feel and being the parent you don't want to load your problems on your kids.

My husband has been very good especailly helping me with sorting all the practical things out, but of course he has to work and he does long hours and falls to sleep after dinner, so often I still have no-one to talk to even in the evenings.

This time of day is worse as this is when I would be visiting her, I did start going for a long walks to pass the time but when I looked out the window and saw my neighbour had all her family there again I just suddenly felt so upset.

I have often read on here about people who have brothers and sisters but aren't close and fall out over the parents care so maybe it's as well as I am an only child, I tell myself this as I have always wanted more family.

I also so feel very let down by the care home my mum was in, I have not had one word from them in how sorry they are or even a card and when you think my mum was in that home for over 15 years and was the longest resident there I would have thought the manager would have given me a phone call at least. It feels as if it wasn't important that my mum has died and that I am feeling so low now.

Anyway rant over!!!!

 

[florence43]

Dear Rachel,

I was so moved by your thread, and I'm so terribly sorry you feel like this. Losing a mum is the hardest thing in the world, especially when you were close. I imagine it takes a long time to accept she's gone.

If I lived in your street, I'd be round for coffee and chats every day. So maybe well have to put the kettle on around the same time each day and come online.

Please don't feel you have nobody to talk to. I'm here. Everyday, several times and I'm confident I can speak for many people on the forum when I say we want to help and support you. Tell me a little about your mum, what she did, who she was, what she taught you. Keep her memory alive by speaking about her daily. When I lost my dad I wanted so badly to say "dad" all the time because I knew I would say it less and less over time. Suddenly I found myself talking about places, songs, films, music...anything and everything that had a link to him so that I had a reason to say "my dad...". It helped...

I know that grieving for such a huge loss will have it's stages, as it did for me, and I want you to know that despite anything that's happening in my own life, I can listen to you, when you need me. The loneliness of grief is awful and I couldn't have got through it without my friends.

Tell me about your mum. I'd love to know what she was like. My dad was wonderful! And I owe who I am to him and mum, which I have learnt since losing him suddenly, and losing mum slowly. It takes a long time to accept that they have gone. The first few weeks can almost feel like it did when we'd go away. Not seeing them for a couple of weeks is do-able, but as the weeks pass, it becomes something unheard of. That was what got me. Spending such a long time without hearing their voice.

But, it does become the new norm. Slowly and gradually, it does. Every now and then, the truck comes along and hits you hard, but the days in between become more bearable as the acceptance sets in.

I know you have a way to go, but so many of us here understand. Don't ever feel alone...

Sending love,

 

[Rachel T]

Thankyou Annie for your so true and kind words.

Today is the first time I have really cried, so silly that someone else's loss should have made me feel like this.

My mum was so particular, she had to be imaculate in her appearance, her room had to be spotless and tidy, Wherever she went she left a smell of perfume behind her. She was always looking through catologes for new clothes.

My mum had quite a sad life really she was also a only child and had a lonely childhood with her father in the war and her mother out at work and then sometimes going to the pub and leaving her indoors alone. At the age of 12 it was found out that she had what they called then a weak heart. That was the start of her health problems. By the time she was 18 she had agrophobia and panic attacks which lasted all her life on and off.

As her friends got married she was left behind still living with her parents. This is when her depression got worse and she had to go into hospital and have ECT on more than once. In a period of being well she met my father at a job she was doing, it was a brief fling and I was the result!!! She never saw him again, I have never met him and know very little about him.

I was her life. We lived with my grandparents and I think she was quite happy up until she was 40 when she had glucoma. Over night she lost a lot of her eyesight and was unable to have any light or sunlight on her eyes. This took her into a deep depession that she had for the rest of her life.

I started to be a carer for her really from a very young age doing simple things like shopping and cooking. Both grandparents died and I left home after having a baby at 17. It was then she went into care. (I feel so guilty now, she never forgave me for leaving her)

Some years later she went into a carehome for the elderly, I brought my house just around the corner from the home(she actually saw my house and told me about it when she was on a short walk one day)

Once we moved in she use to come over everyday to visit, she used to love to see my cat that I had at the time. It used to drive me mad though as you can bet if ever we were to go shopping she would turn up and we couldn't go, she wouldn't like it if we ever went out and she come to visit. The way she was with her mental health meant she wanted a lot of attention, we would end up having massive arguements if we ever went on holiday she hated me to go anywhere.

In 2003 she got run over when she was leaving my house, that stopped her coming to me, we would pick her up in the car and bring her over once a week and I would visit her after work a couple of days. It was never enough for her though, she always wanted to see me more than I willing. I feel bad about it now.

We stayed like this until spring 2010 when we found out she had cancer. At the begining of September she was her normal self with a bit of pain, by the end of the month she had every symptom of last stage dementia.

She was always a very difficult woman, but she was very generous and although she would give me hell sometimes I know she cared deeply for me as I did her. I think one of the hardest things about her passing is that I can't really turn around and say she had a good life because she didn't.

This is where I think I should have done more. Too late now.

 

[lin1]

Dear Rachel.

so sorry that you feel so so alone and let down ,

Its hard when your neighbour seems to have so much support from friends and neighbours and you have been forgotten.
its likely that your neighbours think that because your dear mum lived in a care home for so long, that this makes it easier for you, but we here know that , that couldnt be further from the truth.

but I wonder if maybe you could invite your neighbour in for a coffee,or go to hers. as you have both lost someone dear to you, you will both understand each others feelings better than anyone else.

Its also hard when you see others getting on with normal daily life, when all you have is this awful gaping,aching hole.

Rachel, their are so many of us here, who are going thro, been thro the grief you are suffering and it is grief you are going thro, all those thoughts and feelings are NORMAL!!!

we cant be physically here for you, give you a real cuddle,make you a cuppa ect but believe me we are here for you, just a keyboard away!!! I do know it not quite the same!
people here wont leave you after a couple of weeks like so often Happens.
TC ML
xxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[DeborahBlythe]

Dear Rachel, I am so sorry that you are feeling so low at the moment, but it's so very understandable.

Firstly, there is no way you should be reproaching yourself about how much you did or didn't do for your mother.

Reading your thread, it is very clear that you had a caring role from a very tender age, and then to actually buy a house close to your mother's care home was a very significant move which I doubt many children manage to do. A wonderful act of closeness, even if it worked a bit too well at times.

It must have been tremendous for your mother to have you so close at hand, visiting, keeping an eye on her care and inviting her back to your home.. You did masses for your mother and you are feeling sad inevitably at her loss, but please try and see that your input into her life was really substantial and would have been the envy of many of the other residents in her home, I am quite sure.

When the funeral is over, may I suggest that you continue trying to find work? There is not much worse than being newly bereaved, unsupported and on one's own all day, and a job would really help you to turn a corner, I think, even if it was only part time.

In the meantime, please don't worry about sounding self-pitying. You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel pretty wretched in the circumstances. Please keep posting on TP because I know that so many of us will want to help you.
Kind regards, Deborah

 

[Helen33]

Dear Rachel,

I have just read through your thread and it was like being in a room with you talking to us. I think it is wonderful that you can share a part of your life story with us on Talking Point.

It is such early days for you Rachel because you haven't had the funeral yet. I suppose the aim in the future is going to be 'how to have a good life for yourself' and this can be quite difficult especially when one has been a carer for such a long time as you have. Just take your time and perhaps find people locally that you can talk to. The Alzheimers society run groups an so does the Carers Federation and they might have just the thing for you to join so that you can begin to have contact in the world again with people who will understand where you are coming from.

one of the hardest things about her passing is that I can't really turn around and say she had a good life because she didn't.

This is where I think I should have done more. Too late now.

It can be seen two ways Rachel. It could be seen as your mum's life would have been worse for not having you in it at all and that by you being there in just the ways that you were enhanced her life. You did not have the power to take away the depression from her - she was ill. It sounds to me that you did enough and now you have to free yourself from some of the ties that bind and find a good life for yourself.

Talking Point is here for you throughout your bereavement and I hope it helps you as much as it does me.

Love

 

[florence43]

Oh Rachel, thank you for sharing a little about her life. So much of this site is about who people are now, and it's so important to go back in time to the person who was...

Sounds like a very difficult life, but probably not an uncommon one, sadly. I suppose the down side to it just being the two of you was when personality clashes came to a head. Having siblings and / or a father there to dissolve situations is always helpful. However, you must have been so close.

I think all of us can have regrets about how we spoke to our loved ones. But this is over a lifetime. It's not possible to make every day perfect. I would look at it this way...had you gone before your mum, for some reason, would you have been thinking of the odd argument you'd had, the disagreements, the opposing opinions? Or would you just know and feel that you had been loved your whole life by a special person? You must try to think the reverse for your mum, who would categorically have felt the same. I know I could have done lots of things differently for my dad (who also sadly died of cancer, aged 71), but he was a man who knew he was loved to pieces, who'd done a great job of raising us to the best of his ability (he wasn't perfect either!), and who was so proud of what his daughters had achieved, despite our own reservations.

Just try to remember that a mother's love is unconditional, and don't waste tears on regrets. Cry for the mum you'll miss and when the tears have dried, smile when you think of her. She would want you to be strong, but would appreciate a little sniff or two!!

Keep talking to us. Keep her memory alive.

Lots of love,

 

[maryw]

Dear Rachel, I too was moved by your post for its honesty and sadness. You obviously did have a very close, caring role re your mother and it is the loss of this that's probably making life feel so empty.

My mother lost her sight too and became very depressed. I remain convinced that the lack of serotonin affects the mind and who knows if that can prompt dementia? When it first happened to my Mum I found MY mood was affected badly whenever she was depressed... I discovered that I was taking on too much responsibility for her, our lives were separate, and I really couldn't do more than I was doing. I think if you have been a close carer, it is so difficult to maintain your own life and continue to do the things that YOU enjoy. You have only to read some of the posts here to see how common that is.

In time you will re-discover who you were and what you liked doing and what gives you pleasure. Bereavement has so many complicated emotions and they take AT LEAST a year to work through. I too found my friends thought the funeral was closure, when in fact you are only just beginning to grieve and discover the loss.

I hope you can do one small thing each day which really gives you pleasure and which would make your Mum smile down on you.

Do carry on talking about your Mum here - you are amongst friends xx

 

[Rachel T]

Thank you all so much for your kind words. TP has been a god send since I found it, you are still so good when you all have your own worries and problems.

I shall continue to look for work, I know it would help no end, I have always found it better to keep busy when you have problem.

My neighbour is lovely, but she has such a busy life with 2 jobs and so many friends and family that there is no time for us to get together. We were suppose to be getting together for a coffee for the last 14 years and it hasn't happened yet!!!!

I will always feel guilt, my mum made me feel guilty for having the life she never had, she told me all the time how lucky I am.

Even now she has gone I find myself thinking I mustn't do that she wouldn't like it, or what would she say if I done this or that. We did have a difficult relationship.

I will always regret that sometimes I wasn't as understaning as I should have been, that I used to wish time away until I could go home. It's all so final, and like Annie said not hearing their voice it just doesn't seem possible that it's come to this.

 

[maryw]

I will always feel guilt, my mum made me feel guilty for having the life she never had, she told me all the time how lucky I am.

Even now she has gone I find myself thinking I mustn't do that she wouldn't like it, or what would she say if I done this or that. We did have a difficult relationship.

Dear Rachel, mothers and daughters - tell me about it! See, you're just normal? My Mum was made to stay at home and look after her Mum as she could bake good cakes. The rest of the family followed careers. Whilst my Mum used to say "no child of mine will ever have to do the same", the emotional blackmail to not go out at times and look after her was massive! Bless her, my Mum was a sweetie and very, very kind and it was so sad she wasn't allowed to do the things she really wanted to. But it was my Victorian Grandma who let the rot in! You just have to try to break the pattern - only YOU can allow yourself to feel guilt and your life is different from your Mum's xx

 

[Rachel T]

Thanks Mary, you are so right, the pattern does set in and of course in the past daughters were exepected to stay home and help mother.

My grandmother was born in 1905 and she had a hard life with her own mother dying when she was a small child which meant she had to go and live in all sorts of rather unpleasent lodging houses with her father.

My grandmother lost her son at the age of 4. She never really got over it and as a result she really smoothered my mother which I don't think helped her at all. Also she told my mother all the awful details of her mothers and son's death's which really put a fear into my mum.

As a result my mum done a simular thing to me. I heard every day of my life about how bad her eyes were and her depression ect.

I am trying my best not to do the same to my son. I have to brake the pattern, I don't want him to know just how unhappy I am. I am putting on a brave face for my family, it's here I get to say my real feelings. Thanks for listening.

 

[Rachel T]

Kassy everything you say is how I feel. I could have written what you just said.

When my mum first got cancer she said think of me in pain while you are enjoying yourself. If I ever went away even for just a day she would make me feel bad about it.

I felt guilty just sitting in my own lounge watching TV, especially once she got the dementia symptom's.

Only last night my husband done something funny that I laughted at then I remembered my mum and I felt so guilty for laughing.

I agree the cycle is hard to brake. I do wonder though if our mum's really did wish to make us feel bad or if it was just a part of their depression. I suppose when you are in such a dark place it's hard to feel happy for anyone else and difficult to see other people having a "normal life"

I do hope with time we will stop feeling guilty for having that normal life our mum's never knew.

 

[Rachel T]

I know what you are saying, I often didn't tell my mum things I were doing.

I was brought up with the same out look on life as you and I am afraid to say I still have it. Maybe one day I will change.

It's funny my son is a happy glass is half full type of person and I always joke with him it's not normal to think like that

 

[florence43]

Hi,

It's so hard reading your posts, Rachel & Kassy. It's not a mindset I was brought up with and actually, your honesty and raw feelings explain so much about why you feel like you feel.

I will allow for this much more in future, because it's not as easy as saying "live life to the full", or "live the life your mum would have wanted you to", because they are poles apart for you and me. I appreciate even more now all that mum has given me and taught me, and made me become, and I hope with all my heart that you can break the cycle and experience the joy of no guilt laughter, and seizing the day...

When they say "life is not a rehearsal", it's so true, but in your case, you're working without a script.

Sending my love and better understanding to you both,

 

[Necion]

Dear Rachel, I can't better what has already been said, so sending my loving wishes that you get through this, and find a positive outlook.
Take care, Love, Necion. x

 

[sleepless]

Dear Rachel, I'd like to second what Necion wrote, and wish you peace and renewed energy to help you face your future. Good luck with finding a job, I'm sure it will help.
You should have no regrets, you gave so very much, it's time to give to you now.
Time does ease grief, believe me.
sleepless x