Dads house needs de-cluttering & organising

[SMBeach]

Hi.
Dads house has become increasingly cluttered to the point there is nowhere for me to stay when I visit. Dad lives in Scotland, I live in Kent. This means I need to pay to stay in a hotel every time I visit making every trip rather more expensive than it already is. As well as this, it’s not good for dads already fragile mind. I’ve sought the services of a professional declutterer. Do you think it may be a waste of time? I’m worried dad will drag it out way longer than needed and then proves costly or he just doesn’t allow her to sort stuff. Anyone had experience of being able to do this?

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @SMBeach , I think that unless there is someone there most days to keep an eye on things after the declutter has been things will just pile up again. Will you be there when they are working to keep your dad out of the way as I imagine he won't be best pleased if things he thinks are important are being taken away.
My mum wasn't a hoarder as such, it is just that she forgot she'd bought things she thought were important and also thought people came in and stole these things. Therefore when I cleared out her flat I found endless pots of face cream and sachets of fybrogel.
I'm sure others who have been in similar situations will be along with their ideas shortly.

 

[SMBeach]

Hi @SMBeach , I think that unless there is someone there most days to keep an eye on things after the declutter has been things will just pile up again. Will you be there when they are working to keep your dad out of the way as I imagine he won't be best pleased if things he thinks are important are being taken away.
My mum wasn't a hoarder as such, it is just that she forgot she'd bought things she thought were important and also thought people came in and stole these things. Therefore when I cleared out her flat I found endless pots of face cream and sachets of fybrogel.
I'm sure others who have been in similar situations will be along with their ideas shortly.

Hello. Thank you for your reply. I think if it piles up again then I’ll at least know not to bother next time. I am more concerned though that he doesn’t allow the lady to get on with her job. I will be there for the first 2 days. Even if just the bedroom and built in wardrobe and sheds got done, that would give him so much more storage. As it stands he’s sleeping on a make shift bed (sofa bed with a mattress that’s too big and hanging over all sides which is uncomfortable and taking up too much space etc. I want to get him a good electronic bed but as the room stands nobody would be able to get in to remove the existing furniture or set up the new bed. I know he’s keen to declutter but I also know how time consuming he can be. He’s a man who insists on reading all the small print on all sides of all pages of letters for example. You know, the stuff nobody reads or isn’t necessary to read. I’ve had to hang up the phone on dad when he’s like this. I don’t want to waste the ladies time either if he’s going to do this. But equally I know he’d like it done.

 

[Chaplin]

I would try and take him out while you are there for the two days. Unless you think there is something important amongst the clutter, just let them get on with it. Try and explain to your dad that the doctor says he has to have a proper bed, use whatever tactics you need to get him a comfortable but safe environment to live in. Good luck.

 

[Palerider]

Hello. Thank you for your reply. I think if it piles up again then I’ll at least know not to bother next time. I am more concerned though that he doesn’t allow the lady to get on with her job. I will be there for the first 2 days. Even if just the bedroom and built in wardrobe and sheds got done, that would give him so much more storage. As it stands he’s sleeping on a make shift bed (sofa bed with a mattress that’s too big and hanging over all sides which is uncomfortable and taking up too much space etc. I want to get him a good electronic bed but as the room stands nobody would be able to get in to remove the existing furniture or set up the new bed. I know he’s keen to declutter but I also know how time consuming he can be. He’s a man who insists on reading all the small print on all sides of all pages of letters for example. You know, the stuff nobody reads or isn’t necessary to read. I’ve had to hang up the phone on dad when he’s like this. I don’t want to waste the ladies time either if he’s going to do this. But equally I know he’d like it done.

Had the same problem when I got a cleaner in for mum, she just wouldn't let her do the things she needed to do, but persevere a cluttered house is unsafe especially for older people with dementia. I would take mum out for the day when things got really difficult -not the best practical answer but one solution.

Its does become difficult to manage whatever the problem at home -I guess it then depends on whether the emergence of more clutter is causing any serious problems i.e. fire risks with paper or floor space that is obscured

 

[SMBeach]

Had the same problem when I got a cleaner in for mum, she just wouldn't let her do the things she needed to do, but persevere a cluttered house is unsafe especially for older people with dementia. I would take mum out for the day when things got really difficult -not the best practical answer but one solution.

Its does become difficult to manage whatever the problem at home -I guess it then depends on whether the emergence of more clutter is causing any serious problems i.e. fire risks with paper or floor space that is obscured

Thing is, the lady wants us to be there so she doesn’t throw or remove anything important. I’m not sure how dad would be if I took him out for a few hours. He’d probably get too tired or want me to engage in sims bizarre notion he has. He puts his stepping machine (very heavy and large) up against his front door to stop people breaking in the night. (He suffers bad paranoia). The front door is right next to the bottom of the stairs so it has to be stepped over (quite wide) when going up and down stairs. His cleaner and the handy man are always moving it into the lounge but he moves it back once they leave. It’s dangerous. But that’s his intention. To trip up intruders. He really wants a proper new bed so I’ll sell the fact that I need to clear the room for the new bed to get in. What I’ve found in the past however, is that all my hard work just gets undone by dad when I return to Kent 🤷🏻‍♀️

 

[Palerider]

Thing is, the lady wants us to be there so she doesn’t throw or remove anything important. I’m not sure how dad would be if I took him out for a few hours. He’d probably get too tired or want me to engage in sims bizarre notion he has. He puts his stepping machine (very heavy and large) up against his front door to stop people breaking in the night. (He suffers bad paranoia). The front door is right next to the bottom of the stairs so it has to be stepped over (quite wide) when going up and down stairs. His cleaner and the handy man are always moving it into the lounge but he moves it back once they leave. It’s dangerous. But that’s his intention. To trip up intruders. He really wants a proper new bed so I’ll sell the fact that I need to clear the room for the new bed to get in. What I’ve found in the past however, is that all my hard work just gets undone by dad when I return to Kent 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think your in a difficult situation realistically -living in Kent isn't going to be a real solution and no one would expect you to do more than you can unless there was a way of changing the situation -dad moves closer to you or you move closer to him, but even if that happened it seems he needs more support than a few visits. I think you may have to start thinking more long term, because clearing up the clutter periodically isn't going to resolve the problem. It might be that for now this is just about manageable but in the future it might not be.

With respect to the professional declutterer, is there a way you can go through your dads stuff and separate items to be kept from those to be slung which then allows her to crack on?

Have you looked into any local support for your dad which might be worth trying at least once and if that will help keep him on track -admittedly support services for PWD living at home are inadequate but there might be something -sorry if you have already considered this

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

You could do with someone to take your dad out AND someone to assist the declutterer. I do agree it's worth doing, not just for the bed but for safety reasons too. And it might make it easier for him to find things. My only worry is what will happen afterwards - he's already paranoid that people are breaking in and stealing things (which is incredibly common in people with dementia!) so will he look at his new tidy house and think there's been a break in and someone has stolen all his stuff?

 

[Sarasa]

I don't think the declutter will stop your dad moving something across the door at night. My mum started doing that, putting chairs across the door as she thought the neighbours came in. She then got in a pickle which ended up with her calling to fire brigade to unlock her door. They told her what she was doing was a fire risk and she did stop the barricading, though it didn't stop her thinking the neighbours were getting in to take things.
Maybe just concentrate on getting the bed sorted this time. It does sound like you are getting close to the stage where your dad will need carers coming in a few times a day or a move to a care home.

 

[SMBeach]

Dad has carers twice a day every day for half an hour each visit (1hr a day) and is free for all in Scotland. I’ve considered moving him closer to me. I can’t move. My family (3 teens) and myself (single parent) with a business at home and dogs and university, schools and college. It’s not practical for us to move nor something any of us would want to do. None of this is helped by the fact I don’t particularly like my dad, no matter how much of a gentleman he is according to everyone else. He’s never been easy to live with before he was ill. My 2 brothers, one who lives just 6 miles from him doesn’t even visit. The other visited once (normally live overseas but in U.K. right now, although further from Scotland than I am). I don’t feel assisted living would be right for him either as I feel he needs more than this but then I see care homes where everyone seems half dead and he’s not that far gone either. I don’t know what the answer is. Social services are too busy and don’t provide allocated social workers anymore so he’s pretty much on his own. His gas and electricity was £800 for one month. He’s in a mess and I’m spending every waken moment trying to do stuff to the point I just want to give up too. I’m resenting him still being here if I’m honest. Especially when he talks the way he dies to me.

 

[Violet Jane]

I would increase the number and / or length of care visits so that the carers can do a bit of subtle de-cluttering so that large amounts of clutter don't build up. It's harder to get rid of a large amount of clutter as the change will be more noticeable. Even getting rid of old papers, packaging, junk mail, out of date food regularly will make a difference.

There are people in care homes who don't have dementia. You could find a care home that takes people both with and without dementia.

 

[SERENA50]

Hi

I think the idea of increasing the number and length of care visits is a good one with some subtle de cluttering. What one person sees as clutter another sees as having a purpose. A few times we have had Dad say yes get rid of something only to get to the house and he could not remember saying it and so the items stay. I can also see that things sometimes look familiar and people with dementia seem to like that so moving masses of clutter in one go could be a bit too much. You would have to judge carefully. If something is down right dangerous fair enough.

Care homes are all different you know. However if you picked just on who was there then that can change, people move on to other places and some are only there for respite. My Dad is in the dementia part of a care home on respite because his mobility is terrible but his mind isn't as far along as others. He was offered the assisted living bit but he said no because he felt too far away from the main bit so he complains he isn't like the other residents but actually he kind of is and he chose to stay in that section himself but he probably doesn't remember that bit. I had a few messages from him saying don't move anything in the house so we haven't as yet but it obviously plays on his mind.

I hope you get something sorted. Makes me pleased I am minimalistic lol My in laws are not and that will be horrendous as they have so much clutter.

 

[SMBeach]

Thing is, dad also has been told he has paranoid schizophrenia. He disputes this. I’m not sure. I’m no expert but the paranoia and anger and distress it was causing him was more apparent than memory issues or repitition. Now the demebtia is right up front along side the paranoia. I worry he will be more lonely in a home as he does come out with weird bizarre beliefs and I think if there were people who didn’t have mental health or dementia, that they’d try avoid him and he’d be made to feel more lonely than he already is. I just can’t see what way to go here. Ps when I say clutter, it’s big clutter. His study yih wouldn’t even know where to start. It’s a dumping room. His bedroom is almost the same.

 

[Luly]

Thing is, dad also has been told he has paranoid schizophrenia. He disputes this. I’m not sure. I’m no expert but the paranoia and anger and distress it was causing him was more apparent than memory issues or repitition. Now the demebtia is right up front along side the paranoia. I worry he will be more lonely in a home as he does come out with weird bizarre beliefs and I think if there were people who didn’t have mental health or dementia, that they’d try avoid him and he’d be made to feel more lonely than he already is. I just can’t see what way to go here. Ps when I say clutter, it’s big clutter. His study yih wouldn’t even know where to start. It’s a dumping room. His bedroom is almost the same.

Very difficult from so far away. My Mum is (and always has been) a hoarder. I live nearby and slowly (over a year) have been taking bin bags of old clothes and ‘dust collectors’ out of the house. I am making plans to move in and she feels very vulnerable on her own at night since my Dad died. It is definitely a slow burn to prevent any stress or worry. We have a cleaner now so I just say she has tidied up and what a good job she’s done’. Still piles of paperwork that she riffles through - very frustrating. Not very helpful, sorry.

 

[SMBeach]

Very difficult from so far away. My Mum is (and always has been) a hoarder. I live nearby and slowly (over a year) have been taking bin bags of old clothes and ‘dust collectors’ out of the house. I am making plans to move in and she feels very vulnerable on her own at night since my Dad died. It is definitely a slow burn to prevent any stress or worry. We have a cleaner now so I just say she has tidied up and what a good job she’s done’. Still piles of paperwork that she riffles through - very frustrating. Not very helpful, sorry.

Thank you for your reply. I think I’ll just have to give it a go for the 2 days the lady is there and hood it achieves something. If it’s a waste of time or proving too time consuming due to dads interference then I won’t take it forward. But if he’s open to it and happy to have it done then I’ll get her to return once I’m gone having introduced her to dad. We can only try.

 

[Jennybelly]

It’s so very difficult isn’t it? My mum lives with me. I bought her house from her 20 years ago and moved back in with her because she was already then having various health problems. She was always a bit of a hoarder and liked to do crafts before the Dementia took over. She now can’t do any of it and we have cupboards and multiple drawers full of stuff. It always caused rows when I used to try to include her in decluttering and most of the stuff would end up being put back. She now has extremely long and very short term memory loss so it’s made things a bit easier. I still can only do it on a night when I know she is sound asleep. I only do one drawer at a time and either bin it, put it in a shopping trolley to go to charity or give it away. I also only take just one box a week from her cupboard and sort that out. It’s surprising how the clutter soon goes down and is much easier than attacking it all at once. I can’t obviously do it with her precious ornaments, jewellery etc. I wouldn’t do that anyways but I feel like I’m making some progress rather than just worrying about it.
I know obviously that this doesn’t help you much if your not visiting him too often but I would say that doing when he’s asleep just a couple of boxes or bags a night if possible on a visit. Would a neighbour allow you to put things in their bin so he doesn’t see them? If there’s that much stuff he probably won’t miss it. Do you have a car with you on your visit? Could you fill the boot and dump it on the way home?
Whatever I can only say that doing it at night is the way to go. I know it sounds cruel but we have to take charge at some point. It can’t be left to escalate into an even worse safety issue. We never thought we would have to be going through this did we? None of it is nice. I wish you all the best and good luck.

 

[Kimm]

Hi.
Dads house has become increasingly cluttered to the point there is nowhere for me to stay when I visit. Dad lives in Scotland, I live in Kent. This means I need to pay to stay in a hotel every time I visit making every trip rather more expensive than it already is. As well as this, it’s not good for dads already fragile mind. I’ve sought the services of a professional declutterer. Do you think it may be a waste of time? I’m worried dad will drag it out way longer than needed and then proves costly or he just doesn’t allow her to sort stuff. Anyone had experience of being able to do this?

Hi, you may have already made a decision about what to do at least in the short term but what I would urge you to consider is the bigger picture which is your dad's quality of life - and your own. Regards safety, this is a big one. I had to get a heat detector installed, shut off the gas to Mum's cooker, I bought her a microwave that couldn't explode, a kettle that couldn't boil dry and a toaster with similar safety features. Nightmare scenario also if it could affect the neighbours. Honestly, I agree that getting the current carers to do a small but frequent declutter is a good idea. I understand how difficult a decision it is but your dad living in a care home where he can be supervised and the house being cleared in one hit (perhaps you could take a day or two off, if necessary, to know it's done) might actually be the best solution. Without more information about circumstances, of course this may not be right for him or for you. On a side note, if he does have paranoid schizophrenia, he may need to be on medication if he isn't already. Carers and other visitors should be aware of his diagnosis. It is obviously a big worry for you, all of this, and it is vital you look after yourself during this time. It is easy for it to drag on and you down with it. Take care and good luck

 

[My Mum's Daughter]

To give you an idea of time scale, it took me an entire day to clear out under the stairs.

 

[SMBeach]

Hi, you may have already made a decision about what to do at least in the short term but what I would urge you to consider is the bigger picture which is your dad's quality of life - and your own. Regards safety, this is a big one. I had to get a heat detector installed, shut off the gas to Mum's cooker, I bought her a microwave that couldn't explode, a kettle that couldn't boil dry and a toaster with similar safety features. Nightmare scenario also if it could affect the neighbours. Honestly, I agree that getting the current carers to do a small but frequent declutter is a good idea. I understand how difficult a decision it is but your dad living in a care home where he can be supervised and the house being cleared in one hit (perhaps you could take a day or two off, if necessary, to know it's done) might actually be the best solution. Without more information about circumstances, of course this may not be right for him or for you. On a side note, if he does have paranoid schizophrenia, he may need to be on medication if he isn't already. Carers and other visitors should be aware of his diagnosis. It is obviously a big worry for you, all of this, and it is vital you look after yourself during this time. It is easy for it to drag on and you down with it. Take care and good luck

Hello. I’ve decided to cancel the de-clutter person as when I put it to dad he seems very disinterested and it’s bad enough getting things done to timescale that he does want done. I just foresee it being a long slow expensive visit from the professional. I’ve got lots of other stuff to do during my visit and I’m only there for 6 days. I’ve had to leave 2 teenagers at home looking after the digs as the cost of travel, hotel and car hire is expensive enough without adding kennelling fir 2 dogs and another room fir the teens etc. Plus, being self employed, every time I visit, not only is it costing me a bit but I’m not earning either. Every visit, as rare as it is, I need to get a load of stuff done. I think I was being unrealistic throwing a declutterer into the mix.

 

[SMBeach]

To give you an idea of time scale, it took me an entire day to clear out under the stairs.

Yes. I can appreciate that. There’s so much more I need to get on with.