“This isn’t my house” - how to deal with it

[ThistleB]

Hello everyone
I’m new to the forum and wondered if anyone has any solutions to dealing with “this isn’t my house” episodes. I know it’s common for this to happen and diversionary tactics is the advice given but it rarely works with my mum and we usually have to take her for a walk or a car run.
If anyone has experience of this scenario and advice on how to deal with it I would be extremely grateful.
Thanks in advance
Seonaid

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @Seonaid Boyle and a warm welcome to Dementia Talking Point.
I'm sure people who have dealt with this first hand will be along shortly. It only happened once with my mum before she went into care and that was when she'd had a very stressful day and I don't think she'd drunk enough fluid. She lived on her own, and it took sequential phone calls from me and my sister-in-law to dissuade her from leaving her house. SiL kept asking her if she could see various things, and when mum said she could reminded her they were hers and it was her house. I know others have said things such as we've been asked to look after the place, so its OK for us to be here and then tried to distract with cake, wine or whatever the person with dementia particularly likes.
This is a very friendly and supportive forum and I'm sure others will be along soon with their ideas.

 

[ThistleB]

Hi @Seonaid Boyle and a warm welcome to Dementia Talking Point.
I'm sure people who have dealt with this first hand will be along shortly. It only happened once with my mum before she went into care and that was when she'd had a very stressful day and I don't think she'd drunk enough fluid. She lived on her own, and it took sequential phone calls from me and my sister-in-law to dissuade her from leaving her house. SiL kept asking her if she could see various things, and when mum said she could reminded her they were hers and it was her house. I know others have said things such as we've been asked to look after the place, so its OK for us to be here and then tried to distract with cake, wine or whatever the person with dementia particularly likes.
This is a very friendly and supportive forum and I'm sure others will be along soon with their ideas.

Thank you Sarasa your advice about looking after the place is something we have not tried yet so we will give it a go. Unfortunately asking mum whose bed, chair, picture this is always gets a reply “it’s mine but this isn’t my house”. We have even tried showing her envelopes with her address but nothing works - I hate to say it but it really increases stress levels and after 14 months of one of 3 of us being there all the time we are exhausted. My fingers are crossed re your suggestion, thanks again

 

[northumbrian_k]

Hi and welcome from me too. I went through this sort of thing with my wife. There is no easy answer as once an idea is fixed (not my house etc.) it can be hard to shift. No amount of rationalising or showing evidence of any kind will make a difference and may just lead your mum to the idea of a 'conspiracy', in which you will say anything to hide the truth! Simple explanations can be best. After much trial and lots of error I found it better not to debate or argue with my wife about whose house it was. All I would say was along the lines of "this is where we live at the moment". This was the simple truth and seemed to satisfy her for a short while (it was our house but it wasn't important to make that point). A more elaborate story would have given her something to unpick, disbelieve and ask questions about.

I hope that this is clear but if not do come back and I'll try to expand. Now that you are posting here I am sure that you will get a lot of support from the members of this friendly community.

 

[ThistleB]

That is another good piece of advice - I think my brothers and I have been complicating things by trying to reason with mum when we need to keep it clear and simple. Other things we can deal with but this situation we just can’t get a grip of at all - and you have to muster every ounce of patience to stay calm.
Thank you I appreciate your response.

 

[SERENA50]

Hello everyone
I’m new to the forum and wondered if anyone has any solutions to dealing with “this isn’t my house” episodes. I know it’s common for this to happen and diversionary tactics is the advice given but it rarely works with my mum and we usually have to take her for a walk or a car run.
If anyone has experience of this scenario and advice on how to deal with it I would be extremely grateful.
Thanks in advance
Seonaid

Hi

I haven't experienced this exactly myself as yet but I was looking through u tube one day and came across a couple of USA videos one lady I looked up further and her name was Teepa Snow . I was actually looking for suggestions around someone saying I want to go home in general terms but became engrossed in some of her presentations and training. Have a look and see if you can gain something from it yourself.

One of the things she was saying is that when someone is saying they want to go home or it isn't their house that a response of "okay so you want to go to your house" therefore acknowledging that you have heard the person and responding then with "is there something you need to do at your house, or you just want to go to your house" and seeing where that person then leads you.

I liked the way she approaches care but I won't be offended if anyone else thinks its rubbish lol.. It made me think about Dad texting me about I want to come home so I might try it when he says it next time and see if I can lessen his anxiety and maybe there is nothing he wants other than the feeling of home but equally there might be something he thinks he needs to do. We have covid at the moment so cannot see him personally.

Let me know if you think its helpful or not though but I am sure others will come along with more personal experiences to share XX. the only thing I really know is reasoning is a waste of energy and just makes more stress for everyone. I have given that up a while back.

 

[Palerider]

Hello everyone
I’m new to the forum and wondered if anyone has any solutions to dealing with “this isn’t my house” episodes. I know it’s common for this to happen and diversionary tactics is the advice given but it rarely works with my mum and we usually have to take her for a walk or a car run.
If anyone has experience of this scenario and advice on how to deal with it I would be extremely grateful.
Thanks in advance
Seonaid

I found a car run was the best solution in the early stages, but unfortunately as dementia takes over this will get worse. Lots of theories but the best theory is that long long term memory remains and that fills the gaps that appear, hence what once was very familiar in later life stops being familiar. Its a regression that can't be filled by the present no matter how hard you try. My mum bless her got so anxious about this she wandered in the right direction to find her old childhood home -the place that was deeply embedded in her memory which of course no longer existed.

My mum was also highly anxious as things got worse and she told me one day that she 'didn't want to be alone anymore'.

There is no one solution for this sadly and my mum now three years on in an EMI unit is still trying to go home, she will often tell me when I visit she is off to see her mum and dad .

The most important thing is that they are safe and in an environment that can address the anxiety they feel repetitively

 

[jzw01]

The "I want to go home" and "This is not our house" scenarios refered to come up quite often on these forums. They both happen to me regularly. As has been said before once an idea is in place it is impossible to remove amd pointless to argue with. My experiance is that it is best to just agree with everything and "I can't remember" is good as well. This will get the comment "then there is something wrong with you then" which can be agreed with as well.

Just try and keep them calm and contented if possible.

 

[Sarasa]

I think one of the reasons people say they want to go home is that they feel confused and think things would be different if they were elsewhere. In the early days of her dementia when mum knew exactly where she lived she once said that she often felt she wanted to go home, but that was silly as she knew she was home. I think she was probably thinking of her happy childhood, as she did talk about moving back there, even though she knew the bungalow where she lived was sold and she had no family living in the area anymore. As the dementia progressed she forgot that and wanted to go and see her mum.

 

[ThistleB]

Hi

I haven't experienced this exactly myself as yet but I was looking through u tube one day and came across a couple of USA videos one lady I looked up further and her name was Teepa Snow . I was actually looking for suggestions around someone saying I want to go home in general terms but became engrossed in some of her presentations and training. Have a look and see if you can gain something from it yourself.

One of the things she was saying is that when someone is saying they want to go home or it isn't their house that a response of "okay so you want to go to your house" therefore acknowledging that you have heard the person and responding then with "is there something you need to do at your house, or you just want to go to your house" and seeing where that person then leads you.

I liked the way she approaches care but I won't be offended if anyone else thinks its rubbish lol.. It made me think about Dad texting me about I want to come home so I might try it when he says it next time and see if I can lessen his anxiety and maybe there is nothing he wants other than the feeling of home but equally there might be something he thinks he needs to do. We have covid at the moment so cannot see him personally.

Let me know if you think its helpful or not though but I am sure others will come along with more personal experiences to share XX. the only thing I really know is reasoning is a waste of energy and just makes more stress for everyone. I have given that up a while back.

 

[ThistleB]

Hi

I haven't experienced this exactly myself as yet but I was looking through u tube one day and came across a couple of USA videos one lady I looked up further and her name was Teepa Snow . I was actually looking for suggestions around someone saying I want to go home in general terms but became engrossed in some of her presentations and training. Have a look and see if you can gain something from it yourself.

One of the things she was saying is that when someone is saying they want to go home or it isn't their house that a response of "okay so you want to go to your house" therefore acknowledging that you have heard the person and responding then with "is there something you need to do at your house, or you just want to go to your house" and seeing where that person then leads you.

I liked the way she approaches care but I won't be offended if anyone else thinks its rubbish lol.. It made me think about Dad texting me about I want to come home so I might try it when he says it next time and see if I can lessen his anxiety and maybe there is nothing he wants other than the feeling of home but equally there might be something he thinks he needs to do. We have covid at the moment so cannot see him personally.

Let me know if you think its helpful or not though but I am sure others will come along with more personal experiences to share XX. the only thing I really know is reasoning is a waste of energy and just makes more stress for everyone. I have given that up a while back.

Thanks that is really useful I will definitely research that - anything that even makes these situations less stressful is a bonus. Thanks again

 

[ThistleB]

I found a car run was the best solution in the early stages, but unfortunately as dementia takes over this will get worse. Lots of theories but the best theory is that long long term memory remains and that fills the gaps that appear, hence what once was very familiar in later life stops being familiar. Its a regression that can't be filled by the present no matter how hard you try. My mum bless her got so anxious about this she wandered in the right direction to find her old childhood home -the place that was deeply embedded in her memory which of course no longer existed.

My mum was also highly anxious as things got worse and she told me one day that she 'didn't want to be alone anymore'.

There is no one solution for this sadly and my mum now three years on in an EMI unit is still trying to go home, she will often tell me when I visit she is off to see her mum and dad .

The most important thing is that they are safe and in an environment that can address the anxiety they feel repetitively

Thanks for your reply - yes the car run is not always feasible albeit at the moment it works. Our mum is also very anxious and very frail, but she is 90. She was diagnosed a year ago after an almost overnight change and her decline has been rapid in just a year so it has been a steep learning curve. Thanks again

 

[ThistleB]

The "I want to go home" and "This is not our house" scenarios refered to come up quite often on these forums. They both happen to me regularly. As has been said before once an idea is in place it is impossible to remove amd pointless to argue with. My experiance is that it is best to just agree with everything and "I can't remember" is good as well. This will get the comment "then there is something wrong with you then" which can be agreed with as well.

Just try and keep them calm and contented if possible.

Thank you all this advice is very helpful

 

[ThistleB]

I think one of the reasons people say they want to go home is that they feel confused and think things would be different if they were elsewhere. In the early days of her dementia when mum knew exactly where she lived she once said that she often felt she wanted to go home, but that was silly as she knew she was home. I think she was probably thinking of her happy childhood, as she did talk about moving back there, even though she knew the bungalow where she lived was sold and she had no family living in the area anymore. As the dementia progressed she forgot that and wanted to go and see her mum.

Hi Sarasota - it’s difficult to get your head around the regression when the person recognises everything in the house but still think it is not their House. Our mum also wants to visit her mum it’s not much fun repeatedly telling someone their mum is dead, strangely it does not upset our mum when we tell her!

 

[northumbrian_k]

Most people would advise against saying that loved ones are 'dead' as this can cause upset on a repetitive loop. Visiting mum (or gran) can be put off until the day after tomorrow ...

 

[ThistleB]

Most people would advise against saying that loved ones are 'dead' as this can cause upset on a repetitive loop. Visiting mum (or gran) can be put off until the day after tomorrow ...

Hi that makes sense, guess me and my brothers could be doing better as we thought honesty was the best policy. What would you advise when our mum wants to phone her mum we have tried saying we don’t know her number but that does not work.
Thanks for your advice

 

[Palerider]

Thanks for your reply - yes the car run is not always feasible albeit at the moment it works. Our mum is also very anxious and very frail, but she is 90. She was diagnosed a year ago after an almost overnight change and her decline has been rapid in just a year so it has been a steep learning curve. Thanks again

I think you missed the point of my reply

 

[Neveradullday!]

Hi that makes sense, guess me and my brothers could be doing better as we thought honesty was the best policy. What would you advise when our mum wants to phone her mum we have tried saying we don’t know her number but that does not work.
Thanks for your advice

Hi @Seonaid Boyle

I've experienced my mum wanting to phone her mum too.

On the one hand you don't want to say her mum's died (I tried that at first and it did upset her, although she did say last week "I know my mum's died" without being upset), on the other, if you say you can't get her on the phone this can make her aggressive.

What I normally do now is pretend to not know what to say : "Er, oh I er..... well,oh" this has worked, and she's sort of accepted it. She just thinks I'm an idiot (95% of the time she thinks I'm someone else).

Regarding wanting to go home, I did try going for a walk but when we came back home she refused to come in, our neighbour who we've known for many years had to take her in and persuade her to come back in again.

I did download her deeds from the Land Registry (about £2.50) and this helped. She still doesn't think she's in her own house every now and then, but I reassure her she is and that seems to help.

 

[ThistleB]

Hi @Seonaid Boyle

I've experienced my mum wanting to phone her mum too.

On the one hand you don't want to say her mum's died (I tried that at first and it did upset her, although she did say last week "I know my mum's died" without being upset), on the other, if you say you can't get her on the phone this can make her aggressive.

What I normally do now is pretend to not know what to say : "Er, oh I er..... well,oh" this has worked, and she's sort of accepted it. She just thinks I'm an idiot (95% of the time she thinks I'm someone else).

Regarding wanting to go home, I did try going for a walk but when we came back home she refused to come in, our neighbour who we've known for many years had to take her in and persuade her to come back in again.

I did download her deeds from the Land Registry (about £2.50) and this helped. She still doesn't think she's in her own house every now and then, but I reassure her she is and that seems to help.

Hi that is really good advice thank you very much will try that out. My husband did make a really big J (her name is Janet) which we have hung in the window and this helps when she has been out but for some reason it doesn’t work when she has an episode inside the house.
Thanks again

 

[Neveradullday!]

Coincidentally, she's just asked me if her mum is upstairs and I've replied "Oh er, I'm not sure. I don't think so actually". This seems to have worked (for the time being).

Luckily, @Seonaid Boyle ,whenever we've been out she's always realised we're returning to the correct house, thank goodness!

I'd never go out with her when she doesn't think she's in the right house, again.