Carer for Mum, Alzheimer's (early stage) diagnosis.

[Fluff bucket]

@Fluff bucket Would you dad agree to a couple of weeks “holiday “ in a care home? Might be worth trying if their finances allow?

@92208
Nope, see above.... but I will ask again. The problem is Dad is a real 'home bird' and creature of habit. Any change he can't cope with it. He never liked holidays, or, going abroad, and always says he only likes sleeping in his own bed. Mum, I think, would be able to enjoy a holiday, but again she is reluctant to leave him, although brother would be there...

i understand the situation but hes only got to put a teatowel on the cooker and leave it there or spill a bit of boiling water and your mum could slip. that was my one of my concerns having lived with an alcoholic before my husband. they dont see the danger so the risk is higher. you probably need to phone ACS again and reiterate the problems. they sometimes need to hear it more than once. its asking a lot of you to be dealing with all this.

@jennifer1967

This is my dilemma. He actually pointed out that the parents left the kitchen roll next to the hob (induction) which is a fire risk, but, there are no flames as it is a solid surface... Yet I have been there a lot helping them, and they have never left it there, there is a wooden pole holder that stands on the counter in the corner of the kitchen worktop where it is kept. My worry is that he is inventing or making out the risks are worse to emphasis his point, i.e. being manipulative about having Mum put into care so he can remain with Dad alone. Yet, because Mum loses stuff constantly, I cannot say this for certain...

 

[Fluff bucket]

I do wonder if you being there changes the dynamic between you, your brother and your mum. When you're not there to help her focus, your mum probably feels a bit lost and latches on trying to 'help' your brother look after your dad. Your brother probably finds it really annoying, add in his own problems and your dad's poor health and the whole thing sounds as though it will explode sooner rather than later.
I do hope you can get some extra help in, or persuade them to have a bit of respite so you can re-group.

@Sarasa

Not sure on this, but, this is what I have witnessed:

Mum describes doing her usual cleaning tasks, and I have witnessed her doing this e.g. cleaning the shower after use, with no problems. So, not following brother around, it seems to be the other way around. He has even described to me he 'has' to do this, and then questions what she is doing all the time. Saying stuff like, why are you moving that? What is your logic to putting x there? And she tells me that he shouts at her all the time so she keeps out of his way.

So, if he is so engaged with Dad's care, and housework, I can't understand why he is spending so much time following her? And yes, then there are explosive arguments, Mum looks harassed and worn out by this....

 

[Fluff bucket]

Your brother seems very controlling - or wants to be! He's got everything under control with your dad but your mum's dementia has thwarted him, as it does with many of us! Her unpredictable behaviour, constant following, not doing what she's told or forgetting what he's already told her is driving him bonkers and he just can't cope with it. (It may even be part of the reason he's drinking more.) I think most of what he tells you, e.g. the scissors and the non-food items in the fridge, is probably true - it sounds like typical dementia behaviour. It may seem fairly trivial to you but he's there with her a lot of the time so for him, it could have been the final straw. Then he cracks and shouts at your mum.

Meanwhile... I suspect your mum's dementia is getting worse. Please don't let her go out to the shops by herself any more! Coming home soaking because 'there were no buses' is really not good. The day will come when she can't find her way home and that day could be today or tomorrow. I appreciate you're doing what you can to help her maintain some independence, but as your brother has discovered, it's really not as simple as 'letting her help'. As he says, she has to be constantly watched now. It's hard to be patient when someone turns even the simplest task into a huge, difficult one. Many carers in this position find it's just easier to do things themselves, so the person with dementia inevitably gets sidelined.

One thing - there is no chance your brother will succeed in convincing anyone your mum should go in a care home at this stage. Your mum still has too much capacity for social services to act against her will so that's just not going to happen.

I haven't offered any advice/solutions as I don't have any but clearly the current situation is not sustainable. What would happen if your dad's health declined further and he was moved to a hospice/hospital? Or has it been decided he will remain at home now?

@Jaded'n'faded

This is what I find worrying - brother very controlling, wants them to totally change their own routines and habits to his. Even down to how to wash clothes, where he thinks they should shop, monitoring what Mum wants to send to charity (even though the majority of things are her clothes), when/how they should clean, how Mum organises her kitchen, other stuff she has collected over nearly 60 years that he says she should get rid of (basically what she has in kitchen so he can put his stuff in there), but, she argues she has sentimental attachment and memories of. Dad is used to Mum looking after him, doing housework, laundry, etc & is laid back, but, his illness means he spends most of his time in his chair watching t.v. so not witnessing my brother haranguing my Mum...

And then each commute, bringing more and more of his stuff in, like he is moving in permanently by stealth. His background sadly is a string of broken relationships. I worry that his cycle of dependency is concealing the extent of his problems, meeting someone new, moving in which seems to happen quickly, them eventually realising that they can't deal with his PTSD and finding out the extent of his drink problem to deal with it, then him being kicked out. He has been homeless before, lived in his car and then a variety of HMO's. He won't give us his address, ever, so the only contact has been on his terms, when he chooses to ring us on his mobile. He won't answer when we ring him on his mobile... which leads to me worrying he is binge drinking and not with it enough to do so when that happens.

I have spoken to Mum and she seems to agree to me accompanying her now thank God... I was horrified when I heard about her walking home in torrential rain. I agree that she does have capacity so don't think ASC would recommend this, especially as she would lose that bond with Dad, and worry about him/miss him terribly. We had a lunch out and a meal together and she was talking to me perfectly normally. You wouldn't think anything was wrong. I think the fact she accepts the meds helps slow this down. Where she gets confused is when brother changes things and then she thinks they are gone. Yet I talk to brother constantly about not changing stuff now to help her memory problems....

My biggest fear is that, as Dad is terminal, and his team have discussed palliative care and hospice in his future, my brother could go off the rails in grief, start the same cycle of binge drinking into passing out (he did this before at my parents home and after putting up with it for over a year, they had to ask him to leave, as they thought they would find him dead one day).

Mum seems to feel that she has to tolerate his shouting at her, because he helps Dad, but I really feel that she shouldn't feel hounded out of her own home, or, having to escape to the bedroom to avoid him.

 

[Fluff bucket]

Had a long talk with ASC. Basically, I am to monitor or 'watch & wait' which feels horribly like they won't intervene until crisis point. As brother in denial. So can't be helped.

They suggest talking to Dad to make it clear that however much brother helps and cares for him, really dotes on him, his angry tone with Mum is affecting her emotionally. Then, trying to talk to brother with family member to try and encourage him to seek support, can't see this happening judging by how many years he has drank and string of failed relationships to show for it. Then talk to Mum to try and get her to accept support....

Cannot see any of it making any difference whatsoever as I had a talk to them all to get them to empathise and work together... and no (insert expletive here) difference...

 

[TNJJ]

Had a long talk with ASC. Basically, I am to monitor or 'watch & wait' which feels horribly like they won't intervene until crisis point. As brother in denial. So can't be helped.

They suggest talking to Dad to make it clear that however much brother helps and cares for him, really dotes on him, his angry tone with Mum is affecting her emotionally. Then, trying to talk to brother with family member to try and encourage him to seek support, can't see this happening judging by how many years he has drank and string of failed relationships to show for it. Then talk to Mum to try and get her to accept support....

Cannot see any of it making any difference whatsoever as I had a talk to them all to get them to empathise and work together... and no (insert expletive here) difference...

Where does your brother get the money for his drink?

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

Where does your brother get the money for his drink?

I was starting to wonder about that and a few other things raise red flags: one is the fact that your brother won't tell you his address (a shelter? someone's couch?) and won't answer his phone but will only phone you. Why is he moving all his stuff in? Does he think that if he does that and looks after your father, he will gain some rights to stay?

 

[Fluff bucket]

Where does your brother get the money for his drink?

@TNJJ

He has told us he has his early retirement pension (and its a good one) as front line service role for many years....

 

[Fluff bucket]

I was starting to wonder about that and a few other things raise red flags: one is the fact that your brother won't tell you his address (a shelter? someone's couch?) and won't answer his phone but will only phone you. Why is he moving all his stuff in? Does he think that if he does that and looks after your father, he will gain some rights to stay?

@Jaded'n'faded

As said, retirement pension, I think his reluctance to tell us is that other sibling visited him unannounced when he was going through a really down patch (drinking) & at risk of losing his very stressful job. So witnessed him drinking heavily and in a bad way. So I wonder if that is the reason - he doesn't want us to see him at his worst. I can only go on what brother has said to parents in the past, what other sibling has seen, and what I witnessed at parents... he goes no contact when he isn't staying at parents and when I asked him where he was staying (he left with little notice for days recently) wouldn't reply. This is a concern, he wouldn't say when he was coming back... and then parents are left with uncertainty, worry about him and no consistency.

Sorry I am sounding so pessimistic here. I love my brother, troubled as he is, I am so moved by his care for Dad as they were estranged. But, equally, worried about his whole demeanour, from tone of voice, emotion (like barely held together rage) and dismissive attitude to my Mum.... : ( Then I worry about brother, thinking he is safer with parents, warm, dry, roof over his head and not just lonely and surviving....

My gut instinct is that he is desperate to stay at parents, don't think things are going as well as he is depicting where he was living, he seems to want to take over their home, put all his things in their kitchen, remove what is in there already (as there isn't room for his stuff) and basically it feels like he is treating it more as his home, not theirs. Even trying to move stuff around, and declutter the room he is staying in, resulted in him raging at Mum. We thought we were helping to make more room for him. He said to me through gritted teeth that he should arrange the room as he was living there.... he is also consistently complaining that they bought the wrong size bed for the bedroom he is in, as it is too small for him to bring his girlfriend. Gets angry when I say Mum wanted the room the same as it was before the fire, to lessen the trauma of losing so much, and I think that helps her problems too. And Dad says (although not to brother) he isn't getting rid of a brand new bed elsewhere (nowhere else to put it) - brother suggested it go in garage so he can have a bigger bed.... I feel this is like he is imposing his demands in return for his care, and kind of being spoilt and selfish when there isn't any permanent agreement.

He isn't paying board, or contributing, and Mum says she pays his petrol because he commutes so far. Although he has bought some food items

If he has gone from being evicted from partner's homes, to HMO's, to another partner, to HMO, then having all his things around him must be the only feeling of security he has had?

I go from feeling irritated at his bossiness/taking over, to feeling touched by his kindness to Dad, to worry/stress at his anger with Mum, to nightmare scenario's about the future.... its exhausting and haven't slept properly... still trying to keep up with my helping them both, finishing and signing off from insurer's, taking parents to all appointments, noting all the medics say, taking Mum shopping, and now taking her away from unpleasant attitude of brother.... I am so mixed up over this... : (

 

[TNJJ]

@Jaded'n'faded

As said, retirement pension, I think his reluctance to tell us is that other sibling visited him unannounced when he was going through a really down patch (drinking) & at risk of losing his very stressful job. So witnessed him drinking heavily and in a bad way. So I wonder if that is the reason - he doesn't want us to see him at his worst. I can only go on what brother has said to parents in the past, what other sibling has seen, and what I witnessed at parents... he goes no contact when he isn't staying at parents and when I asked him where he was staying (he left with little notice for days recently) wouldn't reply. This is a concern, he wouldn't say when he was coming back... and then parents are left with uncertainty, worry about him and no consistency.

Sorry I am sounding so pessimistic here. I love my brother, troubled as he is, I am so moved by his care for Dad as they were estranged. But, equally, worried about his whole demeanour, from tone of voice, emotion (like barely held together rage) and dismissive attitude to my Mum.... : ( Then I worry about brother, thinking he is safer with parents, warm, dry, roof over his head and not just lonely and surviving....

My gut instinct is that he is desperate to stay at parents, don't think things are going as well as he is depicting where he was living, he seems to want to take over their home, put all his things in their kitchen, remove what is in there already (as there isn't room for his stuff) and basically it feels like he is treating it more as his home, not theirs. Even trying to move stuff around, and declutter the room he is staying in, resulted in him raging at Mum. We thought we were helping to make more room for him. He said to me through gritted teeth that he should arrange the room as he was living there.... he is also consistently complaining that they bought the wrong size bed for the bedroom he is in, as it is too small for him to bring his girlfriend. Gets angry when I say Mum wanted the room the same as it was before the fire, to lessen the trauma of losing so much, and I think that helps her problems too. And Dad says (although not to brother) he isn't getting rid of a brand new bed elsewhere (nowhere else to put it) - brother suggested it go in garage so he can have a bigger bed.... I feel this is like he is imposing his demands in return for his care, and kind of being spoilt and selfish when there isn't any permanent agreement.

He isn't paying board, or contributing, and Mum says she pays his petrol because he commutes so far. Although he has bought some food items

If he has gone from being evicted from partner's homes, to HMO's, to another partner, to HMO, then having all his things around him must be the only feeling of security he has had?

I go from feeling irritated at his bossiness/taking over, to feeling touched by his kindness to Dad, to worry/stress at his anger with Mum, to nightmare scenario's about the future.... its exhausting and haven't slept properly... still trying to keep up with my helping them both, finishing and signing off from insurer's, taking parents to all appointments, noting all the medics say, taking Mum shopping, and now taking her away from unpleasant attitude of brother.... I am so mixed up over this... : (

Personally I wouldn’t take what he is saying as gospel.
Surely he should be contributing towards his costs towards staying with his parents. I’m wondering if he has gone through his money ( sorry to sound awful no offence meant). My ex husband went through £29,000 in a couple of months. .

 

[jennifer1967]

at the end of all this, its your parents home not his unless he pays board other
wise they are in affect keeping him. so he can use his many to drink. why should he have a bigger bed for his girlfriend to stay an d not pay board either so your parents will be financing them both. hasnt his girlfriend got a bigger bed. i agree with your dad, why get rid of a brand new bed. the only compromise would be your brother buying the bed he wants with his own money and pay board for himself and his girlfriend and give the money to you so you know hes paid it. i wouldnt trust what he says. speaking from experience of a ex partner and my oldest son were both alcoholic, those days that you cant contact him may well be days he is drinking a lot and misses weeks or days with it. im lucky my son has beaten alcoholism but its taken him lots of years to get there with blips on the way. i would be suspicious

 

[Fluff bucket]

Personally I wouldn’t take what he is saying as gospel.
Surely he should be contributing towards his costs towards staying with his parents. I’m wondering if he has gone through his money ( sorry to sound awful no offence meant). My ex husband went through £29,000 in a couple of months. .

@TNJJ

I am sorry to say I am suspicious because of past experience. He was supposed to have had an substantial lump sum enough to buy a small flat where he lived, plus generous pension, despite his ex wife taking him to the cleaners... no offence but I understand what you are saying...

 

[Fluff bucket]

at the end of all this, its your parents home not his unless he pays board other
wise they are in affect keeping him. so he can use his many to drink. why should he have a bigger bed for his girlfriend to stay an d not pay board either so your parents will be financing them both. hasnt his girlfriend got a bigger bed. i agree with your dad, why get rid of a brand new bed. the only compromise would be your brother buying the bed he wants with his own money and pay board for himself and his girlfriend and give the money to you so you know hes paid it. i wouldnt trust what he says. speaking from experience of a ex partner and my oldest son were both alcoholic, those days that you cant contact him may well be days he is drinking a lot and misses weeks or days with it. im lucky my son has beaten alcoholism but its taken him lots of years to get there with blips on the way. i would be suspicious

@jennifer1967

To be fair to parents, they are generous enough that they aren't concerned he isn't paying board etc, even when he is asking them for unlimited wi fi for his laptop they aren't phased. That of course is their choice and right so I don't object to this. Have seen them spoiling him rotten over the years so I guess it isn't unusual for them.

I think its a bit OTT expecting them to get rid of new, expensive bed, so he has a larger one for lady friends though! Mainly because they are comfortable on Dad's good pension I think. However, when Dad passes it would be a different story, so I think Mum would struggle financially. It would be difficult to get him to contribute then (if he is still there) when it isn't expected now...

However, this really enables him to funnel his own money into drinking as much as he wants. That is what I think we are - a bunch of enablers... : (

So sorry to derail off the topic of dementia here, but, just wanted to think through on here (and not have all these confusing and contrary thoughts racing around my head) - makes me feel that I am not over-reacting and other people see this.

The net result is that instead of just focusing on Dad's inevitable end of life care, and trying to make his quality of life the best we can, and also trying to do the same for Mum with her Alzheimer's diagnosis, this is being made much more difficult and stressful because of brother and worrying about him/his issues.

I think I needed to air this out, so, thank you to everyone for their advice/experiences with this. I really don't think there is a solution. Other than waiting and hoping, and monitoring and praying it all doesn't go 'mammary glands up'... : (

Poor parents are stuck in the middle of all this drama...

 

[Fluff bucket]

Feeling a right whinge bag reading back my posts...

Trying to take Mum out and about more. What I noticed in her hospital appointment was she seemed ok most of the time. Then had an episode of confusion/disorientation when she couldn't follow instruction for her tests. Also, nurse reactions initially was that she seemed ok. Then, after the episode, it was 'Ah. I see what you mean...'

Taking her shopping - again, mostly 'with it', but then a few episodes of forgetfulness e.g. name of thing she was buying, forgetting where she put her own shopping list, checking and re-checking and then forgetting what she had already bought and asking me what she had bought.

I felt it was very telling that she said she preferred being with me rather than brother. As in, not subject to shouting or being questioned about everything she was doing. I am just following the advice I have researched - I even attended a webinar on dementia. Being calm, kind, compassionate and above all, seeing the person first not the diagnosis.

It isn't a picnic, I feel impatient sometimes with repeating things, but this is my Mum and she is mostly still here and can talk normally so at times I feel I have my old Mum back. However, this is early stage diagnosis, and I realise that the person I know as Mum will start to vanish, as will her memories of all of us.

Talking to her about support for herself went down like a lead balloon. I was trying to make the point of doing something for herself now, so, it becomes routine, she has a social support network, and may then continue it when illness progresses. She misinterpreted it as me saying she is incapable... : (

 

[canary]

Talking to her about support for herself went down like a lead balloon. I was trying to make the point of doing something for herself now, so, it becomes routine, she has a social support network, and may then continue it when illness progresses. She misinterpreted it as me saying she is incapable... : (

Its hard when you discover that they can no longer follow a reasoned discussion and I expect that a little bit of her that still has insight is afraid that she is no longer capable.

I think you have reached the stage of using "therapeutic untruths" (AKA "love lies") - if she is unable to understand the true reason, then you have to come up with some other "reason" for getting in support. Maybe this person is a friend of yours and she would be doing your friend a favour, perhaps this is a new "government scheme" for all people over xx years of age. Dont make it too complicated. Have a think about what she would find acceptable and tell her that.

 

[lemonbalm]

Feeling a right whinge bag reading back my posts...

Trying to take Mum out and about more. What I noticed in her hospital appointment was she seemed ok most of the time. Then had an episode of confusion/disorientation when she couldn't follow instruction for her tests. Also, nurse reactions initially was that she seemed ok. Then, after the episode, it was 'Ah. I see what you mean...'

Taking her shopping - again, mostly 'with it', but then a few episodes of forgetfulness e.g. name of thing she was buying, forgetting where she put her own shopping list, checking and re-checking and then forgetting what she had already bought and asking me what she had bought.

I felt it was very telling that she said she preferred being with me rather than brother. As in, not subject to shouting or being questioned about everything she was doing. I am just following the advice I have researched - I even attended a webinar on dementia. Being calm, kind, compassionate and above all, seeing the person first not the diagnosis.

It isn't a picnic, I feel impatient sometimes with repeating things, but this is my Mum and she is mostly still here and can talk normally so at times I feel I have my old Mum back. However, this is early stage diagnosis, and I realise that the person I know as Mum will start to vanish, as will her memories of all of us.

Talking to her about support for herself went down like a lead balloon. I was trying to make the point of doing something for herself now, so, it becomes routine, she has a social support network, and may then continue it when illness progresses. She misinterpreted it as me saying she is incapable... : (

This reminds me so much of when I was looking after mum. Apart from nurse appointments and hairdresser, I used to take mum to the same place every day, the local library for coffee. It was a 5 minute drive and somewhere she seemed very happy to be, familiar and comforting. It would end up taking the entire morning, then back for a late lunch,. I would very quietly clean while mum was having a lie down ("no I'm not cleaning mum, just reading"). It was rather like being in a different universe where time moved so very slowly and nothing mattered apart from mum. I hope you can manage to get some help in one way or another. I don't regret that couple of years but there was not much time for anything else. Looking back, it all seems a bit crazy but you can really get stuck in that other universe!

 

[Fluff bucket]

Feeling stressed. Again. Yet another row between Mum and son... Mum in tears again. Wanting to come with me and Dad when I dropped him at LOROS to go shopping after. Hadn't had breakfast so asked if it was ok to pick her up on the way back.

Asked brother if she'd had breakfast, he said yes, Mum later said she started to eat and brother started on again about something so she threw it in sink and didn't eat it all. Did pick her up but she was angry and complaining all the way. Shopping wasn't a distraction... had a slight hiccup and somehow it was brothers fault... and she had been sick last night. Managed to get her to accept a sandwich and bottle of water, she must have been dehydrated as she quickly finished that.

Wouldn't come back with me in car when I needed to pick up Dad, but, she did get home ok. Dropped Dad off but subjected to a list of complaints from brother about how wrong she is not to get rid of her stuff in kitchen for his. Then her errors/things done wrong/lost. Culminating in saying she should be in a home.

Feel like I am an emotional punchbag between the pair of them, and trying and failing to keep Dad happy. I suggested an external counsellor or mediator, and brother felt he would immediately be mediated out of their home.... ?

I can't wind down and I am contemplating alcohol myself, something I usually avoid for obvious reasons.... : (

 

[Fluff bucket]

Its hard when you discover that they can no longer follow a reasoned discussion and I expect that a little bit of her that still has insight is afraid that she is no longer capable.

I think you have reached the stage of using "therapeutic untruths" (AKA "love lies") - if she is unable to understand the true reason, then you have to come up with some other "reason" for getting in support. Maybe this person is a friend of yours and she would be doing your friend a favour, perhaps this is a new "government scheme" for all people over xx years of age. Dont make it too complicated. Have a think about what she would find acceptable and tell her that.

@canary

That's a lovely phrase 'love lies' - I was looking up local dementia cafes in the hopes of just taking her there, going first myself on my own, but they only open for a couple of hours once a month and not sure if they are fully open yet (2 near us).

I rang consultant saying Mum has admitted ripping up the letter he sent of her results... and then saying I think I am the one needing the support! If they have any for carers...

She is adamant that no-one is setting foot in her home... its a weird situation really. My parents don't have many friends that pay social calls (rare visits once or twice a year), only occasional family, and they don't really have hobbies/outside interests, all very home-based. I think shopping became Mum's outlet.

 

[Fluff bucket]

This reminds me so much of when I was looking after mum. Apart from nurse appointments and hairdresser, I used to take mum to the same place every day, the local library for coffee. It was a 5 minute drive and somewhere she seemed very happy to be, familiar and comforting. It would end up taking the entire morning, then back for a late lunch,. I would very quietly clean while mum was having a lie down ("no I'm not cleaning mum, just reading"). It was rather like being in a different universe where time moved so very slowly and nothing mattered apart from mum. I hope you can manage to get some help in one way or another. I don't regret that couple of years but there was not much time for anything else. Looking back, it all seems a bit crazy but you can really get stuck in that other universe!

I wish we had somewhere like this. I can't think of where she would like to go, possibly a garden centre, as she loved gardening/garden programmes? Now the cafes are open that might be a lovely idea as a place to hang out. I can't see her settling there for too long though...

 

[jennifer1967]

Feeling stressed. Again. Yet another row between Mum and son... Mum in tears again. Wanting to come with me and Dad when I dropped him at LOROS to go shopping after. Hadn't had breakfast so asked if it was ok to pick her up on the way back.

Asked brother if she'd had breakfast, he said yes, Mum later said she started to eat and brother started on again about something so she threw it in sink and didn't eat it all. Did pick her up but she was angry and complaining all the way. Shopping wasn't a distraction... had a slight hiccup and somehow it was brothers fault... and she had been sick last night. Managed to get her to accept a sandwich and bottle of water, she must have been dehydrated as she quickly finished that.

Wouldn't come back with me in car when I needed to pick up Dad, but, she did get home ok. Dropped Dad off but subjected to a list of complaints from brother about how wrong she is not to get rid of her stuff in kitchen for his. Then her errors/things done wrong/lost. Culminating in saying she should be in a home.

Feel like I am an emotional punchbag between the pair of them, and trying and failing to keep Dad happy. I suggested an external counsellor or mediator, and brother felt he would immediately be mediated out of their home.... ?

I can't wind down and I am contemplating alcohol myself, something I usually avoid for obvious reasons.... : (

i think he should remember that the house is your parents and its up to them what goes where. might be worth taking your mum out when your dads not there as she gets your brother full on and undiluted.

 

[Starting on a journey]

I think you are in leic**********?
If so, may I suggest that you google Shuttlewood Clarke ….in mark field. It is a beautiful place with a coffee shop and also some activities that may or may not suit your mum!