My dad Brian

[Angie1996]

Hi Everyone

I have been on this forum for about 1.5 years now, my mum died last year and as a result of this (together 59 years) my dad developed Alzheimers, he was formally diagnosed in January this year. I have a sneaky suspicion it was before this time, however I was not that involved with his life up until last year.

I have admiration for all the people of here that have been doing this for years, and I am shocked how this terrible illness takes hold of someone.

My dad has been through some tough hurdles since mum died, he lost this driving license in Dec 2015 and cannot accept this, its a daily battle .

I have learnt as I have gone along how he is treated by other people, he is pretty argumentative, and wont be told what to do, convinced he is perfectly fine, convinced he can drive, and "will" be buying another car.

I got my dad moved into Somerset in August last year to give him support. I feel sorry for him as he has lost everything, his wife, his life, his lovely home in Devon by the sea side, and now he just exists...... I dont know how long he will carry on.

He is a lot worse that people realise, he was tested at the memory clinic in Jan this year and he scored 39 out of 100 and he has severe alzheimers.

He tells everyone he is fine..... but he is not fine at all...... on the outside they think he is ok..... he is not ok......

He is not washing, or washing his hair, he survives by eating out all the time, he has got into all sorts of messes and gets barred from shops, cafes etc all the time as he argues with people as he thinks he is fine.......

I am like his mop up crew, I ring around these places and advise them of his illness, he does not know any of this, as he thinks he's fine...

I now have his house Manager advising me that there have been complaints because he is too touchy feely (he's a tactile person) and likes to tap your shoulder, arm etc when he says hello..... but this makes residents uncomfortable, however he thinks he fine....everyone else is mad and not him

I have power of attorney for his finances (forced the issue last year as he bought 5 cars in a matter of weeks and lost 17,000 pounds in the process) Garage kept selling him cars every two weeks..... then he lost his license last dec but did not understand the DVLA letter and carried on driving for 3 weeks as he did not understand, until he handed this letter to the garage to buy another car

I will use this post to do updates and it will help me, and I thank you all for everything that you write on this forum as it has helped me sooo much!!!

I worry about the future, I worry about how he is treated by others, I worry about how he is perceived by others..... my dad is an ex soldier, ex prison officer and has had quite a past, and he tells everyone about his past (where as before this was private) and everyone does not believe him and thinks he is barking mad...... he still wears his prison officer badge on his shirts (poor him) as he is clinging on to any dignity he has left..... but everyone thinks he is a bad person for this, and that he is nuts! its makes me so defensive......

He tells everyone about his money, his past etc, they all think he is mad, I find it so frustrating as everything he tells them is true, and it upsets me that he is just overlooked as he comes across so bad to people now. I give him guidance all the time, but he tells me he is fine, and its everyone else that is mad, liars, bunch of idiots etc

He has good days and bad days, his long term memory is going, his short term memory is all over the place, some stuff he remembers well, other stuff is gone in seconds.....

It has helped me get this off my chest, its been so tough, I loved my mum so much and miss her so much.. I am left with the remnants of my dad now. What a cruel disease.

He was also a driving instructor, so losing the car was the last resort for him, and he cannot accept this. I took him to a GP 3 weeks ago, so they could explain to him again! but he wont accept this at all and its a daily argument.

I am his kicking post, he argues with me all the time, I have tried everything and nothing works, have denied, agreed, told him to do it, talk to police etc, nothing works, he wont let it go!

I managed to wash his hair last week, my first step to hygiene with him as he said he is fine!! it was 15 months since it was washed!! I bought the no water shampoo.

I have now managed to get him to agree with me washing his clothes at last!

His bed had no sheet on the mattress, he could not make the bed, change the sheets and would not let me help... I have learnt over the last 15 months now to just do it, I don't ask anymore I tell him it will be done! so bed is now sorted, clothes getting sorted, hair sorted, but he smells sooo bad, I got him some deodrant, wipes etc. But going to buy more, body wipes etc as he is not washing (he is fine he tells me) but he is not.

His occupational health therapist said the only way he is going to go is be sectioned as he wont accept help at all, I can handle him as I am his daughter and can just do it...

I have found so far that knowing which way to turn, what to do, my head spins with what next, whats happened now. He gets the police called to him, he has been reported a few times for his aggression and arguing. He thinks its everyone else, not him, he is fine.

sorry to get some of this off my chest... and thanks to any of you if you read this post, or comment, it would be much appreciated.

Angie

 

[Grannie G]

You are a wonder Angie. I`m full of admiration for you. Welcome to Talking Point. Welcome to our world.

Perhaps you could contact Social Services to see if there is any help available for you, as a primary carer. Also the Admiral Nurses at the national Dementia helpline. They are specifically there to help and advise carers too.


You can contact our helpline by calling 0300 222 1122 or by email at helpline@alzheimers.org.uk.

The helpline is usually open from 9am to 5pm Monday to Friday, and from 10am - 4pm at weekends

http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/faq.php?faq=resources#faq_resources_helpline


Losing a driving licence is a nightmare. I experienced this loss with my mother and my husband.
My mother was an advanced motorist and a member of the Institute of Advanced Motorists and absolutely loved driving. When she had dementia she kept putting Diesel in the car instead of petrol and kept paying out to have the car engine stripped.

I do hope you`ll get the help and support you need so badly here on TP.

 

[CatLady Sue]

Your post was very sad and moving. I feel for you and understand your worries & isolation. Well done for being proactive in trying to improve things, I know that battle and it's so difficult. Sending hugs and best wishes, please keep writing.

 

[Angie1996]

Thank you both for your kind words. I have called the helpline before and they were exceptional, better than any other help I have tried.

My dad was also an advanced driver, member of the institute etc, same as your situation, hence why he cannot accept.

Just had another 30 minutes argument about the car he wants to buy, he has been obsessed again since last Thursday!

and 10 minutes later he calls me again to say I was right and he now accepts that he cant drive, however I know he will forget, and the cycle starts again...

I can pretty much predict the conversation word by word everyday. This is so emotionally exhausting.

He has now also told me that some man hit him last night, so he got hold of him and "sorted him out", so not sure whats now happened there! no doubt he will be barred from this place now, so I will give them a call a bit later today and see the lay of the land.

It never ends does it....

I admire everyone on here! and admire the people that suffer with this illness and admire the courage and strength to keep fighting it, its fantastic.

I will keep posting as I need to get this stuff off my chest.... thanks to anyone that reads or responds

 

[mancmum]

I wonder if your dad would respond to routine

I look after my Dad and I have to say he is very manageable. although also not keen on washing etc. But will do so when nagged.

I wonder given your Dad's past if he would respond to a set routine. Could ex forces organisations help with a befriender who would use military terms to give him a framework to work within.

I can manage my dad because I know the buttons to press. Washing in the evening can be organised because the 'Water is going off tomorrow'.

Just some thoughts.

We physically moved my father to live with us and that was the point at which the driving stopped. His GP had said he could only drive where he knew the route and someone else was with him.

 

[MollyD]

I cried reading your post about Brian, your dad. You're honouring him here so beautifully, tenderly and faithfully -- without a hint of sentimentality or whitewashing of the wretchedness of severe dementia.

You are so welcome here and I'll keep reading your thread, Angie, even when I've nothing but moral support to offer.♡

 

[Torquay]

A wonder

Hi Everyone

I have been on this forum for about 1.5 years now, my mum died last year and as a result of this (together 59 years) my dad developed Alzheimers, he was formally diagnosed in January this year. I have a sneaky suspicion it was before this time, however I was not that involved with his life up until last year.

I have admiration for all the people of here that have been doing this for years, and I am shocked how this terrible illness takes hold of someone.

My dad has been through some tough hurdles since mum died, he lost this driving license in Dec 2015 and cannot accept this, its a daily battle .

I have learnt as I have gone along how he is treated by other people, he is pretty argumentative, and wont be told what to do, convinced he is perfectly fine, convinced he can drive, and "will" be buying another car.

I got my dad moved into Somerset in August last year to give him support. I feel sorry for him as he has lost everything, his wife, his life, his lovely home in Devon by the sea side, and now he just exists...... I dont know how long he will carry on.

He is a lot worse that people realise, he was tested at the memory clinic in Jan this year and he scored 39 out of 100 and he has severe alzheimers.

He tells everyone he is fine..... but he is not fine at all...... on the outside they think he is ok..... he is not ok......

He is not washing, or washing his hair, he survives by eating out all the time, he has got into all sorts of messes and gets barred from shops, cafes etc all the time as he argues with people as he thinks he is fine.......

I am like his mop up crew, I ring around these places and advise them of his illness, he does not know any of this, as he thinks he's fine...

I now have his house Manager advising me that there have been complaints because he is too touchy feely (he's a tactile person) and likes to tap your shoulder, arm etc when he says hello..... but this makes residents uncomfortable, however he thinks he fine....everyone else is mad and not him

I have power of attorney for his finances (forced the issue last year as he bought 5 cars in a matter of weeks and lost 17,000 pounds in the process) Garage kept selling him cars every two weeks..... then he lost his license last dec but did not understand the DVLA letter and carried on driving for 3 weeks as he did not understand, until he handed this letter to the garage to buy another car

I will use this post to do updates and it will help me, and I thank you all for everything that you write on this forum as it has helped me sooo much!!!

I worry about the future, I worry about how he is treated by others, I worry about how he is perceived by others..... my dad is an ex soldier, ex prison officer and has had quite a past, and he tells everyone about his past (where as before this was private) and everyone does not believe him and thinks he is barking mad...... he still wears his prison officer badge on his shirts (poor him) as he is clinging on to any dignity he has left..... but everyone thinks he is a bad person for this, and that he is nuts! its makes me so defensive......

He tells everyone about his money, his past etc, they all think he is mad, I find it so frustrating as everything he tells them is true, and it upsets me that he is just overlooked as he comes across so bad to people now. I give him guidance all the time, but he tells me he is fine, and its everyone else that is mad, liars, bunch of idiots etc

He has good days and bad days, his long term memory is going, his short term memory is all over the place, some stuff he remembers well, other stuff is gone in seconds.....

It has helped me get this off my chest, its been so tough, I loved my mum so much and miss her so much.. I am left with the remnants of my dad now. What a cruel disease.

He was also a driving instructor, so losing the car was the last resort for him, and he cannot accept this. I took him to a GP 3 weeks ago, so they could explain to him again! but he wont accept this at all and its a daily argument.

I am his kicking post, he argues with me all the time, I have tried everything and nothing works, have denied, agreed, told him to do it, talk to police etc, nothing works, he wont let it go!

I managed to wash his hair last week, my first step to hygiene with him as he said he is fine!! it was 15 months since it was washed!! I bought the no water shampoo.

I have now managed to get him to agree with me washing his clothes at last!

His bed had no sheet on the mattress, he could not make the bed, change the sheets and would not let me help... I have learnt over the last 15 months now to just do it, I don't ask anymore I tell him it will be done! so bed is now sorted, clothes getting sorted, hair sorted, but he smells sooo bad, I got him some deodrant, wipes etc. But going to buy more, body wipes etc as he is not washing (he is fine he tells me) but he is not.

His occupational health therapist said the only way he is going to go is be sectioned as he wont accept help at all, I can handle him as I am his daughter and can just do it...

I have found so far that knowing which way to turn, what to do, my head spins with what next, whats happened now. He gets the police called to him, he has been reported a few times for his aggression and arguing. He thinks its everyone else, not him, he is fine.

sorry to get some of this off my chest... and thanks to any of you if you read this post, or comment, it would be much appreciated.

Angie

Hi Angie, I think it's good to get things off your chest like this, I started writing up my experiences today on my iPad , I think this will help as last night and today I can't stop crying! I rang social services and said I could cope no longer looking after my mum and all they said was we can't do anything till Monday, no one asked me how I was! My husband drove up from Cornwall last night to hug me but it just made my mum get more aggressive so I had to send him home today. I have been for walk and dug the garden this morning and feel a tad better. Don't dismiss the small things that can help you, just some fresh air, a hug, a phone call to a friend! My dad is really my mums carer but he has had a heart attack and is in hospital and I have only been here 6 days looking after her and I am struggling!
Take good care of yourself

 

[Angie1996]

thank you both for your kind words, I like the idea about the military support, I did have a google a few weeks back as he was in the army 22 years and looked to see if I could get help, as you said he would definitely be more forthcoming with this. I will look and see if a be friender service is out there! that would be amazing

Later today I am going to buy him one of these clocks that display the day etc as he has no concept of which day it is. He no longer watches telly, this all stopped when my mum died. He can read, but he has no idea what he is reading at all, thats gone now.

He used to write short stories when he was younger, and also plays a guitar, he was in a band when we were posted in Germany, strangely he still manages to play his guitar to some degree, that when he got barred from the music shop two weeks ago as he fell out with them over a guitar he wanted to buy... so sad the guitar is all he has left

my dad has no concept of any of this......

you people are amazing, such kinds words from you all x

 

[jan.s]

Hi Angie. I am sorry to hear how poorly your dad is. My late husband refused to recognise his illness, but I think that was through fear - fear of losing his abilities, which of course did happen.

You sound like you are handling things in the best way possible, don't ask him, just do it! I do understand how stressful this must be for you, but well done for handling things do well.

Look after yourself though. Xx

 

[Angie1996]

Hi everyone, hope your all having a lovely morning!

I have bought dad one of those clocks that state the day and time and date, I have to say I was really impressed with it, my dad never knows what day it is, so thought it will help him, he has had it two days, so far he has not switched it off he loves switching off his sockets, including his fridge!

Regarding the hygiene issue, the deodorant I bought has not been used, he said he uses it, but he is not (I am amazed at how much of a fibber he has become since his illness) he was never a liar, but now wow its shocking!!

I went back on the web and have now bought him the no water body wash, he told me yesterday he used it! time will tell on that when I check the bottle on Friday (I go down once a week and daily phone calls).

I have bought tons of body wipes, also a sponge with an extended handle, to help him, to use with the body wash! he said its really good.

I gave him a lesson of how to use it, I was astounded at how bad he is, he did not have a clue what to do with the wipes, how to open them, what they did, etc. I gave him a visual demonstration, and straight after he forgot, he did not have a clue....

I got him more no wash shampoo and washed his hair Friday (he let me do it again, no grumbles )

I believe he is not brushing his teeth, all the stuffs missing........ he said he is, but got him to show me his teeth on Friday and he is definitely not .

His body warmers have gone awol...... searched for them and found clothes stuffed in drawers, cupboards, writing desk, sideboard etc, wow did not realise how bad he was........

"dad you need help your not coping" I am fine, I don't need help, I am perfectly fine, I know what I am doing, when I need help I will ask for it.........my dad is either in denial or very ill, cant work out which

My dad is just "existing" bless him, he wont accept he needs help so sad.....

And wow he is putting so soooooooo much weight

I have been doing weekly spelling tests with my dad when we are in my car, to try and keep his brain sharp, its not working, but what it does is just show me his decline, I notice changes every week, he is rapidly declining with his ability..... but he is fine......

I encouraged him to buy 2 books this week, being an old soldier he bought a word war 2 book with lots of pictures, he said he loves it, I also got him to buy a bird book as he seems to be very interested in birds now.

It is soul destroying seeing my dad being robbed away bit by bit, what a terrible disease this is, my heart goes out to each and every one of you that are going through this.

Dad told me last night that he missed the toilet and did a no2 and missed the toilet in time and that it was everywhere..... poor fellow, he would be so shocked by this.

I stay positive but heartbroken for what he has lost, I talk to him like a normal person, but inside its like dealing with a child..... he would be so sad if he only understood how ill he was..

The one thing my dad is, is a fighter (thats the old soldier in him) I love to have a good argument with him, he comes to life and then I see the old argumentative dad back) he loves a good debate, its like a light switch comes on. When I take him out each week, when I get there he appears so vacant, but by the end of the day he livens back up again with stimulation and demonstration etc so sad.

Thanks to anyone that reads or comments

Regards
Angie

 

[LadyA]

Might he accept some help if you told him that YOU are going to get in trouble for not looking after him properly unless he accepts just a little help?

 

[Pinkys]

British Legion? They have a care home fairly near here, which is ideal for old soldiers. I just wondered if they have other support available. Worth contacting them?

Your poor Dad needs a lot of help, and I am sure the 'it's Monday so we wash clothes' approach would help but needs someone to be there, doing it, regularly.

Social Services assessment....? And keep a record of everything you notice, or anything that happens. We did this for the 2 years before my MiL went into care. Get a hardback notebook, and keep a log. It kept us sane, to retread the story, when she was doing the 'I am fine' thing, and then was vital when we wrote a long account of everything for the DOLS assessments etc.

 

[Angie1996]

Might he accept some help if you told him that YOU are going to get in trouble for not looking after him properly unless he accepts just a little help?

Hi Lady A I tried this yesterday, I advised him that if he did not let me help or get help, then the social services could get involved, he said no. I said it would help me so much, he said no, I said I worry about you all the time, he said you don's need to worry I am fine.

I think from what I have read over the months on this forum, is waiting for the crunch time, I think it will come, but not sure when. I advised him with my help he could live independently, he just states I am fine.

His flat is tidy (military training ) however its getting dirty, I said let me get you a cleaner, and he refuses point blank. He had a cleaner and tried her once and never used her again as he said she was "useless" wow my dad has high standards!

 

[Angie1996]

British Legion? They have a care home fairly near here, which is ideal for old soldiers. I just wondered if they have other support available. Worth contacting them?

Your poor Dad needs a lot of help, and I am sure the 'it's Monday so we wash clothes' approach would help but needs someone to be there, doing it, regularly.

Social Services assessment....? And keep a record of everything you notice, or anything that happens. We did this for the 2 years before my MiL went into care. Get a hardback notebook, and keep a log. It kept us sane, to retread the story, when she was doing the 'I am fine' thing, and then was vital when we wrote a long account of everything for the DOLS assessments etc.

Hi Pinkys - he got barred by his local legion within weeks of moving to the area for arguing with them and getting obsessed over a barmaid (he has lost the ability to read body language and understanding etc).

I was pushing the cleaner issue as I thought he might agree to that, I read of here a few times we call them a "cleaner" by they are actually a carer, I thought this might work.

Social services were involved at the beginning along with the memory clinic and even though he is assesses as being severe, they have left us to it at the moment.

Its only as I have got more involved and watching him more, that I am realising how bad he is, he literally gets up, dressed, goes out to eat, spend money on rubbish, eat more, them come back to his flat.

He buys clothes that don't fit, he wastes so much money on clothes, mobile phones etc etc. I keep telling him I will sort his clothes, he said ok, but still goes out and buys more that don't fit

When I do sort him out clothes, he slings them out when they are a bit dirty, he is throwing out new clothes every week I advise I will wash them for you. Ok he says, then get there the following week and more disappeared!!

He refuses to go into a care home, I have tried to convince him it would be great, he is a self funder so I can organise it, but he refuses point blank.......

I have cried so much since my mum died last year, and my dad died with her, he is not the same person, I had to grieve for both at the same time.

I am better now and just go with the flow, my frustration is his stubbornness for resisting help, wanting to drive, and refusing help from me, or me organising help.

I get frustrated by the way some people treat him and use the label of alzheimers to treat him like he has no feelings, which we all know is not true, they do understand don't they?

I found a laundry service and he has refused this, mobile hair dresser refused etc etc. its like a weekly battle with him, he just states I am fine Angie "leave me be".......I want nothing more than to leave him alone, however if I don't help he will end up in a home sooner than he thinks as he refuses help!! he is his own worst enemy!

I take the stance of not asking and just doing and it works a lot of the times, but trying to get anyone else in the door is a whole new challenge

 

[Angie1996]

Hi everyone hope your having a lovely day!

Update on my dad.

I think my dad is declining more? he has shaved the side of his hair and has bald patches around his ears, where he has not go his hair cut, he has also shaved off one of his eyebrows I think he is trying to keep himself tidy, but has made a right hash of it... he looks pretty bad.

He is definitely not cleaning his teeth, he is adamant he is, but I can see they are not clean, but is adamant he is doing it.

I bought him 5 pairs of trousers a week ago, now 2 pairs have gone missing, I have no idea what he is doing with his clothes, they keep disappearing. He is adamant he has not thrown them away.

I went and see him Friday, which I do every week, I ring him 30 minutes before I leave to remind him I am on my way. I turn up 30 minutes later and he freaked out saying he did not know I was coming and was not ready, so he had forgot that in 30 minutes. His memory is getting quite shocking now. He then proceeded to argue with me saying I never called him etc.

His flat absolutely stinks now, I cant work out why? its really bad!! .

I had a call from the police last night and told me dad has lost his key to his flat, anyway they got him in, so I spoke to him last night and he is adamant some one has been in the flat and stole his keys etc. I will speak to the house Manager tomorrow to get some more keys ordered and see about getting a key lock outside the door with a spare key with a code, so if it happens again we can get him in.

The police said his flat stinks........

He also lost his walking stick last night.

He is storing his clothes in all areas in the flat now, in drawers, cupboards, display cabinets etc, he has clothes dotted about in the most random places bless him.

I really want him to go into care now, so I know he is warm, clean, fed and safe, but he refuses.

I did not realise someone can decline this quick, its so sad, I feel like a bystander waiting for something else to go wrong, I feel so bad for wanting him to go into care as I want him to stay independent but wow he is struggling, but he just says he is fine and seems happy enough .

This battle in my head is terrible, 50% wants me to stay in his flat, but 50% of me wants him to go into care. I feel terrible seeing the state he is in, he is completely oblivious and happy....

What do you do, just stand on the side lines and watch him keep declining and refusing help he is so stubborn and is convinced he is perfectly fine.

He is still not washing, he smelt on Friday, not washing with anything, not washing hair etc.

I wash his hair, but I cant wash his body, I cant do this.....I keep telling him I will wash his clothes, but he wont let me, I have to literally take it away, I have to sniff all his clothes as I have no idea whats clean or dirty, its not nice

Sorry for getting it off my chest, but I need to get it off my chest.

I wish he would let me help him more, I wish he understood he needed help, I wish he would let me get in cleaners, carers, laundry help etc.

I also feel terrible for his horrid illness!!! I feel so out of control. I wish I did not have to control as I want him to live happy and stay independent which he is, but I feel terrible seeing him live so terribly, he tells me all the time he is losing his marbles, but when I explain he has alzheimers he states I am perfectly fine.

The police said he has a lot of cash in his wallet and its worrying if he gets robbed, but surely I cant take stop him drawing his money out. He loves going to the bank and seeing his money. I advise him to draw out small amounts, but he still draws out about 100 pounds at a time, he eats out etc. Does not cook, eat at home, he literally just functions. I have POA and monitor his accounts online for fraud, so I know its ok, I cant take away what little he has left, that he enjoys.

Sorry for the off load but need to get it off my chest

Thanks to anyone that reads or responds

 

[Angie1996]

Ho everyone, hope your having a good morning

Just to keep my post going, so I can get it off my chest and perhaps help someone else in the stage I am at.

After the great advise and support I have now booked a carer "cleaner" to start next Tuesday for 1 hour. I have been to the shops and got cleaning equipment etc, so she has some stuff to help her, as my dad has no clue on any of this.

I am using this carer under the guise of a "cleaner" with the intention as they build a relationship she can start working on his personal care (I am not over stating when I state he smells!!!) its really bad.

His flat stinks! I think I have discovered the problem now, his clothes that he "washes" by hand are not actually washed at all. I picked up his drying socks, pants etc, and they absolutely pong I believe this is what is causing the smell in his flat. I think he is going though the motions of washing them, but is not using any detergent hence the smell.

Well yesterday I went around his flat, took all his clothes, socks, pants, trousers etc that were drying and slung them all in a bag, and stripped his bed sheets etc and slung that in a bag and took it all to the local launderette with my dad, so this will not be a weekly event and will pick up the clean clothes etc and drop the next batch off. So hopefully that will get rid of the smell in the flat.

Yesterday it was like cat and mouse I went around opening his windows, and he followed me around shutting them again, I had to literally drag him out of the front door before he got chance to shut them again (bless him)

for the last week he is now saying that my mums body (she dies last January) was put in a "tube" at the hospital and this is how all the bodies were stored, he seen at least 10 bodies per tube, as this is how they stored the dead bodies (wow this is really bad )

He is still not washing, all the wipes, shampoo, body wash etc is untouched, despite him telling me he is doing this, I find it bizarre! I think he is just using water. I checked his bathroom sink yesterday and it was bone dry, he is definitely lying to me...

He lost his keys last week, I have not got a ID tag on them, so if they are lost again, they will hopefully ring my mobile number, which I put on the tag.

The care agency that I booked yesterday was great (I really hope this works, I am so desperate to help him) he wants to stay independent but boy he is one stubborn fellow, I feel like a nervous wreck waiting for the first booking next Tuesday, I have advised no cleaning, just for the carer to get to know him etc. I will send them my story next week, so the carer can get to know the "person" and not the alzheimers man present now.

That way fingers crossed, he will bond with her, then as time goes by she can start giving him a little wash

I still cant believe the decline in him, its shocking to me, to see someone go from completely independant to the shell of the person he is now. But he appears happy

He is just functioning (literally) gets up, dressed, goes out, eats, snoozes, goes out, goes to bed. If the carer wins him over, then I am going to up the visit to 2 hours per week, twice a week, just to give him some company in the flat, I feel so bad as he is so alone a lot, even though he appears happy.

All the ladies at the residential flats, where he lives are now starting to understand how ill he is and are now starting to feel sorry for him, instead of thinking he is "nutter" so thats great, as a lot were initially weird around him and thought he was a crazy man and were scared of him, however the empathy is starting to flow, I witnessed it myself yesterday

The new house Manager is fantastic, and really likes my dad, and my dad really likes him, so thats starting to build up now.

The Manager told me that he has caught dad twice this week leaving his keys in his front door, so this is worrying as only a matter of time before he loses them again I reckon

Anyway sorry for the jumbled update, I am writing as it comes into my head.

I miss my old, fiery, argumentative dad (the spark is going)....

I took him to the shops etc yesterday in my car as he loves going out in the car, since he lost his license. This he never accepts and tells me everyday he is getting a car no matter what! but each day that fight is fading (where is my dad going)

On the steps yesterday for the first time, he was really tentative going down the steps and feeling each step with his foot before he moved (I have never seen him do this before) I am sure he is changing each week I go down, its right before my eyes, I see him being robbed from me each week....now I am bloody crying writing this, I have lost my mum, and now I am losing my dad in less than 16 months, wow this disease is ****!!

How can I lose both my parents so quick!!!!

Thanks to anyone that reads or responds

Regards
Angie

 

[Shedrech]

Hi Angie1996
your last 2 posts remind me so much of my dad; he did so many of the things you mention; the shaving his eyebrow especially brought a wry smile as dad did that

I wonder - you say he lets you wash his hair - maybe tell him in this heat it needs doing twice a week; then, again because of the heat, say it will be easier for you if he takes his shirt off - and oh dear, you accidentally spill water down him so it has to be mopped up - if you prepare the scene beforehand you'll have everything to hand eg a few nice towels to wrap him in once done, a flannel for him to 'dry' his chest which, oh dear, happens to just have slipped into the warm water and have soap on so he might as well flannel over his chest and under his arms and rinse off, and then you've got a nice warm towel to dry off 'oops why didn't I see that earlier'
I had to use a bit of subterfuge with dad on a few occasions - and actually it was useful as I began to see his problems eg he wasn't washing because he had forgotten the routine AND he was dressing in his bedroom on a morning before going to the bathroom, so was reluctant to then get undressed to get wet - so I suggested a new routine to get up, go straight to the loo and stay in the bathroom to wash (not an immediate success, but if it worked a few times, he was cleaner) part of which was suggesting he use flannels to wash; as he did this (rather than shower) in his younger days, it sparked off a process that had been familiar to him - I made sure that there was a pile of flannels in clear sight in the bathroom and his favourite soap as the smell was familiar and linked in with the process, and I left out towels that weren't too big or heavy so he could manipulate them easily
he's not really telling lies about washing, he will believe he has, so of course he has, and no evidence to the contrary will shake that belief
I also found that with me realising these things and overcoming my 'shyness' at interfering, dad became more accepting of me being around when he was washing and so I could help more and more - I'm afraid I did start to invade his personal space gradually, just happening to pop into the bathroom for a towel while he was in (not on the loo - though actually, much later because he was so used to hovering around, he accepted help in that department too) just to get him used to having someone else in there with him, really helped when carers took over

it's great that you have organised the 'cleaner' and she will really be there to get to know your dad - might she just do a bit of cleaning, though, so her cover isn't blown? (not good if he complains she doesn't do anything so get rid of her!) just a bit of washing up if they are chatting in the kitchen, or dusting if they are in the living room, so she can easily chat and maybe pick up photos or notice pictures and objects to ask him about

it's good the manager is on side and understanding - and the ladies are coming round - always helpful to have allies looking out for him

sorry - gone on a bit
keep up the good work

PS oops - just looked at your earlier post and the hair washes are with dry shampoo - would he tolerate a wet wash, either over a bowl or with flannels?

 

[Chuggalug]

So much of this comes back to me. Nobody believes us when we tell them how bad things are. I can't tell you how long it was between my hubby having a bath or a shower. I could never get him to bathe; only change his clothes. His hair was dreadful. They tried to cut in when he was in hospital, but didn't make a very good job of it. At least, somebody tried, and I couldn't have been more thankful.

You're telling the truth. I know you are, I've lived through some of it, although not all. I just wish people would believe us when we tell how bad it is. In fact, some of it is so awful, we may be too scared or embarrassed to tell all.

Will keep an eye on you, Angie.

 

[Chuggalug]

Hi Lady A I tried this yesterday, I advised him that if he did not let me help or get help, then the social services could get involved, he said no. I said it would help me so much, he said no, I said I worry about you all the time, he said you don's need to worry I am fine.

I think from what I have read over the months on this forum, is waiting for the crunch time, I think it will come, but not sure when. I advised him with my help he could live independently, he just states I am fine.

His flat is tidy (military training ) however its getting dirty, I said let me get you a cleaner, and he refuses point blank. He had a cleaner and tried her once and never used her again as he said she was "useless" wow my dad has high standards!

You and I know those standards are going to drop without your Dad noticing it. Crunch time? I don't even want to think about that, but it does happen to us. It did to me and my hubby. But when wise eyes were opened, then care kicked in and we now have what should have happened far earlier.

They documented last year that my husband didn't have capacity. I could have assured them he didn't have capacity for at least the prior four years as well, but hey, who am I?

When my hubby was in hospital, they started asking me relevant questions, and my reply was to ask them to document everything they saw. Put it all on his records so that I couldn't be called a liar any more. That worked. If your Dad ever needs medical intervention for anything, that's when to ask for everything they see to be properly documented. I just hope it doesn't get to that stage for you.

 

[Chuggalug]

Angie? I know it's a stupid question. Believe me, I do know, but can't help asking, could you re-contact the police officer who commented on the state of your Dad's flat? Do you have a contact for this officer? Might be helpful in securing help you need. It looks like your Father is in desperate need of at least a care package, with people coming in to help keep him and the flat clean. I have read his responses to care that you've mentioned. Apologies if you find my comment a nuisance.

He will probably never agree he's in need of help or care. My husband has been in care for just over a year and still doesn't accept he needs care. I know he never will. You may have to accept your Dad won't, either, and that you need to step in and tell the relevant authorities that you're concerned for him. All the notes here you've made ought to be kept and printed out to show whoever you contact. Social Services seem to be the first people most go to for information. The service would have to be in your Dad's area.