I moved my mother to live closer to me because I thought it would be better for both of us,as I was getting phone calls from police,neighbours etc when she was wandering around her village at night,knocking on people's doors etc. She was also depending on me to do her shopping and take care of appointments etc. She seemed keen to move nearer to me,she knows this town as I have been living here for 25 years. However,now she is here,she is as miserable as she was before. She is never happy,always complaining and does nothing at all all day from what I've observed. I have tried to get her involved in social activities but she 'can't be bothered'. She says awful things behind my back too. I've had enough. Quite frankly,I loathe her and am seriously considering moving away,as far as possible! I'm always amazed at the love and patience people articulate on this forum,so many people are amazing in their capacity to continue in the face of such unrelenting difficulty. I'm afraid Ive run out of all my resources and I just want a life back.
I can't stand being with my mother
- Thread starter Andromeda
- Start date
You're not alone - I moved back to my home town to be close to my mother as she was getting a bit doddery.
I've always had a great relationship with mum and even in recent times its been mostly good.
But I have to admit there have been days when I'd have rather have had root canal work than spend yet another afternoon with my mum. If I'm honest, I've ranted about the unfairness of it all, and wailed to the skies about having my life "stolen" from me, just when I'd retired and had been looking forward to all that freedom.
So I guess that makes me a horrible person and I suppose I'm going straight to hell - except I'm still here, still doing all the doctors appointments and the ear drops and the loony conversations and the checking and ... and... and I bet most people on here have had similar thoughts at one time or another.
I don't believe there is any right way. Some people just cant do it, the relentless grind down hill. That doesn't in my view, make them bad people. Everyone's different and everyone does what they can. You are there looking after your mum at the moment.
Have you looked at home carers and day care and all the things that would give you a bit of a break?
I've always had a great relationship with mum and even in recent times its been mostly good.
But I have to admit there have been days when I'd have rather have had root canal work than spend yet another afternoon with my mum. If I'm honest, I've ranted about the unfairness of it all, and wailed to the skies about having my life "stolen" from me, just when I'd retired and had been looking forward to all that freedom.
So I guess that makes me a horrible person and I suppose I'm going straight to hell - except I'm still here, still doing all the doctors appointments and the ear drops and the loony conversations and the checking and ... and... and I bet most people on here have had similar thoughts at one time or another.
I don't believe there is any right way. Some people just cant do it, the relentless grind down hill. That doesn't in my view, make them bad people. Everyone's different and everyone does what they can. You are there looking after your mum at the moment.
Have you looked at home carers and day care and all the things that would give you a bit of a break?
I thought I was the only one that had these thoughts! I resent the entire situation and end up resenting my mum EVEN THOUGH I KNOW SHE CAN'T HELP IT! If one more person says that, I'll scream. And if one more person says ''oh, your poor mum'' I'll commit a murder! What about poor ME?? xx
Don't do it then. Don't do the caring lark. Walk away and find some other way to deal with your emotions.
I would not want to be cared for by a person who couldn't bear it.
I don't believe a single carer doesn't at times resent the intrusion into their lives that caring brings but you have, in my opinion, to stop that thought ball from rolling or you end up in a mess with all of the problems still there.
There's a phrase...'If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen'.
I would not want to be cared for by a person who couldn't bear it.
I don't believe a single carer doesn't at times resent the intrusion into their lives that caring brings but you have, in my opinion, to stop that thought ball from rolling or you end up in a mess with all of the problems still there.
There's a phrase...'If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen'.
i've probably said before on the forum,that if i didn't love my wife and our relationship wasn't strong before alzheimer's reared it's ugly head,i wouldn't be a devoted carer for her,we have the same conversation over and over again sometimes but it doesn't annoy me,yes i get depressed because we should be out and about enjoying ourselves in our forties,but that's not her fault,if your relationship isn't close with your caree it's never going to work just because they are poorly,legally nobody can make you be a carer and if it's not working then it's better off being somebody elses problem for both of you's sake,there is no way i would even contemplate caring for my mother,she's an evil woman and i'm glad i'm 103 mile away from it being my problem ever.
try looking at it frim a different angle.
Look at it this way. Your mum was struggling before she moved nearer to you. Now she is in a unfamiliar home and rather than not doing anything, it might be that she can't do anything. She might have lost the ability to do daily tasks and needs assistance doing things that she used to. Prompting to do some chores or reminding to dust or vac.
I used to get very upset with my mum when I worked and came home to find she had done nothing. But then I realised she wasn't doing it deliberately or to spite me. Her complaining wasn't aimed at me it was just frustration at the situation. The constant negativity was because she was bored and needed something to do.
She looked like my mum and talked like my mum but the dementia had changed her bit by bit and it took time to realise how much help she needed.
I'm no goody two shoes and my patience has been tested to the limit on numerous occasions but she's my mum.
Contact SS and say you need more help.
Look at it this way. Your mum was struggling before she moved nearer to you. Now she is in a unfamiliar home and rather than not doing anything, it might be that she can't do anything. She might have lost the ability to do daily tasks and needs assistance doing things that she used to. Prompting to do some chores or reminding to dust or vac.
I used to get very upset with my mum when I worked and came home to find she had done nothing. But then I realised she wasn't doing it deliberately or to spite me. Her complaining wasn't aimed at me it was just frustration at the situation. The constant negativity was because she was bored and needed something to do.
She looked like my mum and talked like my mum but the dementia had changed her bit by bit and it took time to realise how much help she needed.
I'm no goody two shoes and my patience has been tested to the limit on numerous occasions but she's my mum.
Contact SS and say you need more help.
Andromeda - perhaps it might work better for you if you stopped having the expectation you can make her happy. Probably you can only affect her safety, which you have done, now she is no longer wandering. Would it work if you reclaimed your life and restricted your duties to her to a certain amount of time? IE I will give her two/three/four hours a week and that's all?
I've just had an email from the social services in my father's country of residence. I was going to devote my day to my work. Email comes in - thought: "I better deal with this." Second thought: problem will still be there tomorrow; I'm prioritising my work for once. Obviously crises pop up but last week, for example, I didn't call my dad for another rambling hour-long series of complaints and delusions, because I had spent half a day talking to his lawyers etc already. He complained yesterday but I told him calmly that I had done a lot of for him behind the scenes last week and was very busy. Shock, horror, the response I got was, 'I understand.' [NB: My brother never calls him and isn't 'expected' to. Funny how you can get cast as the 'on-call child.']
I feel for you. And don't let anyone tell you carers don't experience such feelings.My husband works with dementia sufferers weekly: he says every single carer goes through the emotions I, like you, experience. We didn't sign up to this. And if you had a good parent, they wouldn't want it for you. I don't want my daughter to go through this. *hug*
I've just had an email from the social services in my father's country of residence. I was going to devote my day to my work. Email comes in - thought: "I better deal with this." Second thought: problem will still be there tomorrow; I'm prioritising my work for once. Obviously crises pop up but last week, for example, I didn't call my dad for another rambling hour-long series of complaints and delusions, because I had spent half a day talking to his lawyers etc already. He complained yesterday but I told him calmly that I had done a lot of for him behind the scenes last week and was very busy. Shock, horror, the response I got was, 'I understand.' [NB: My brother never calls him and isn't 'expected' to. Funny how you can get cast as the 'on-call child.']
I feel for you. And don't let anyone tell you carers don't experience such feelings.My husband works with dementia sufferers weekly: he says every single carer goes through the emotions I, like you, experience. We didn't sign up to this. And if you had a good parent, they wouldn't want it for you. I don't want my daughter to go through this. *hug*
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Oh Andromeda, I feel you!
I can't stand my MIL (only knew her in the time she had dementia to some extent, but suspect would she would have driven me mad even without the Alzheimers!) - she is smug, blithe, entitled and completely devoid of any critical thinking whatsoever (and I mean before the dementia kicked in...).
Just the sound of her voice or the sight of her bristly chin or her number popping up on my phone is enough to prompt a reaction of physical sickness in me, and I resent her massively. I've taken a step back from seeing her quite so often just for this reason, but like Tomjo still seem to juggle being an inwardly horrible person with the appearance of outward niceness (she'd never suspect my true feelings), and still do all the "legwork" from behind the scenes...
I agree with RedLou - you cannot make her happy, or give what you don't have yourself, only make sure she is looked after and safe to the best of your abilities.
You need to take steps to get additional care, and not let SS fob you off - use the terms "vulnerable adult", "care breakdown" etc. I remember someone on here once threatened (I think) to take their Mum to A&E and leave her there if she did not get meaningful support - I believe it did the job!
Good luck!
I can't stand my MIL (only knew her in the time she had dementia to some extent, but suspect would she would have driven me mad even without the Alzheimers!) - she is smug, blithe, entitled and completely devoid of any critical thinking whatsoever (and I mean before the dementia kicked in...).
Just the sound of her voice or the sight of her bristly chin or her number popping up on my phone is enough to prompt a reaction of physical sickness in me, and I resent her massively. I've taken a step back from seeing her quite so often just for this reason, but like Tomjo still seem to juggle being an inwardly horrible person with the appearance of outward niceness (she'd never suspect my true feelings), and still do all the "legwork" from behind the scenes...
I agree with RedLou - you cannot make her happy, or give what you don't have yourself, only make sure she is looked after and safe to the best of your abilities.
You need to take steps to get additional care, and not let SS fob you off - use the terms "vulnerable adult", "care breakdown" etc. I remember someone on here once threatened (I think) to take their Mum to A&E and leave her there if she did not get meaningful support - I believe it did the job!
Good luck!
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That's okay, most people feel like this. You need to enjoy your life.
If I could I'd not have my Granny living with us- it's perpetual stress, mess and exhaustion. Mornings are often spent cleaning up poo, afternoons- reassuring her, evenings- dealing with constant questions, night- nighttime wakefulness and at any time of the day there's also the aggression.
I've had enough too, most of us have. If you have the ability, finances etc to move then do so!
If I could I'd not have my Granny living with us- it's perpetual stress, mess and exhaustion. Mornings are often spent cleaning up poo, afternoons- reassuring her, evenings- dealing with constant questions, night- nighttime wakefulness and at any time of the day there's also the aggression.
I've had enough too, most of us have. If you have the ability, finances etc to move then do so!
agreed - it is absolutely no help when you are stressed and being driven bonkers to tell yourself they can't help it. And it is particularly no help when others tell you this, as if they, by contrast, would be so nobly patient and not feel like pushing someone down the stairs, or walking out. Or at the very least screaming at them to SHUT - UP! Or STOP! doing whatever it is that is driving you mad.
There were several times with my mother when I had to pretend I had left something in the car. Then I would go and sit in it, put Bohemian Rhapsody on LOUD, and have a really good SCREEEEEEAAAAM!
Very therapeutic. Sadly I never thought of this with FIL...
Oh Opaline,
I do so know how you feel, everyone feels like you do at one time or another and if they say differently they're lying
It's easy to say stop but the times I have thought this is enough, I cannot cope anymore, then we have a "good" day and I see vague echos of my lovely mum as she was & I know I cannot give in to this horrible disease.
You are not alone, as with cancer, dementia affects all that come into contact with it, not just the sufferer.
Take a break, get respite, a breathing space and think calmly what you want to do, then shout loudly if you decide not to continue as everyone will be quite happy for you to run yourself into the ground rather than have to take over
Take care & good luck
Don't know if it's true, but I was told about a couple who visited a care home with a view of the husband going to live there. But he refused. So the wife moved in herself!
I remember my brother once telling me that he could quite happily have buried Mum under the patio one day without a qualm
Only on TP could we vent these feelings
Kim
Only on TP could we vent these feelings
Kim
I remember my brother once telling me that he could quite happily have buried Mum under the patio one day without a qualm
Only on TP could we vent these feelings
Kim
When you have lived Groundhog Day for 10 days straight, got up every 2 hours, slept in an armchair blocking the exit so no one can go walkabout I defy anyone to think nice thoughts.
I have been quite overwhelmed by the responses re this thread. Some have been helpful and one made me laugh out loud (bristly chin!)..all have been sincere, thank you.
I think I will have to bear the heat in the kitchen for a while longer yet as I'm afraid SS are pretty inadequate here,as I expect they are overstretched in most areas.It would be irresponsible of me to just walk away. The advice to limit the times I devote to mums needs is a very good one...there is so much to do 'behind the scenes' like paying bills,sorting banks,prescriptions, sorting her house out to out on the market etc. This is all invisible to mum,of course, which can't be helped but it is just as time consuming as doing her shopping etc. Everybody has a different experience to cope with and it can feel very isolating. Thanks again to all who have expressed such empathy
I think I will have to bear the heat in the kitchen for a while longer yet as I'm afraid SS are pretty inadequate here,as I expect they are overstretched in most areas.It would be irresponsible of me to just walk away. The advice to limit the times I devote to mums needs is a very good one...there is so much to do 'behind the scenes' like paying bills,sorting banks,prescriptions, sorting her house out to out on the market etc. This is all invisible to mum,of course, which can't be helped but it is just as time consuming as doing her shopping etc. Everybody has a different experience to cope with and it can feel very isolating. Thanks again to all who have expressed such empathy
Tomjo said:
'loathe' is a pretty harsh word too, I think.
This forum is also for people who endure dementia themselves. it's purpose isn't simply for people to vent.
It's a public forum, some people are bound to have different opinions and actually I think you can be driven to your limits and still think nice thoughts, depends how low your limit is.
I never loathed my mother, I don't loathe my son. They pushed and push me to what seems like the limit only to find that my limits extend.
This is my experience of caring.
I'm no Saint and I'm no Angel...I KNOW if I couldn't do it, I wouldn't.
I say again...I would hate to be cared for by someone who couldn't bear it, I would rather be looked after by strangers.
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