I have just registered. My mum died last week and I let her down badly and I will never forgive myself.
She started showing signs of memory loss around the time a brother died of cancer about 6 years ago. She was a stubborn person who would not go to the doctor over anything, and certainly didn't when I suggested she get things checked. As time went on she became moody and more absent minded. She spent a lot of time on her own - although my dad was there, he spent a lot of time either in bed or down his shed. They never had a perfect marriage, argued from time to time, sometimes wondered why they ever got together in the first place, let alone have 5 children.
I don't live far away but as my son grew older, I spent less time visiting them. I used to go around there all the time when my son was born and I guess it tailed off over the years as he went to school. I could have seen more of her though. My dead brother lived at home and when he was there he used to take mum shopping all over the place, sometimes I would tag along.
As she got worse in the past few years I selfishly didn't go and visit very much. I was afraid of her - afraid of my own ageing mum - she could get very nasty, and I heard, violent; she didn't know I was her daughter, she kept saying about going home to live with her mum (my nan). But dad was there and eventually carers were arranged, so I thought she was being looked after. But I think dad was telling me what he thought I wanted to hear, so as not to worry me.
We kept saying to dad she needed to be in a home which could cope with her condition - the carers were useless, didn't keep her clean - she became doubly incontinent - even lied about what they had done, and when they did come were in and out in 5 minutes. Some looked about 15 years old. But dad still insisted he wanted her at home, but I think it was for selfish reasons. He still stayed in bed a lot, and she, I now know, was getting up to all sorts, putting the electric kettle on the gas hob for example. Thank goodness they had a brilliant neighbour who became a carer to her as well. But I should have been doing that job. Things are alway easier in hindsight.
She had to go into hospital 3 weeks ago as she had a fall and didn't look right - a carer arranged it as the carer before her had not been to dress her etc. It was found she had a water infection, constipation and dehydration. She had very swollen legs which had been a constant problem - the GP refused to visit as he 'couldn't get any sense out of her'.
I did visit her in hospital when she was 'with it'but she was asleep a couple of times anyway. My brothers, father, care manager and doctors had a meeting about her future as she was now well enough to leave hospital so the next step was sought. They arranged the meeting when I was away, which I was annoyed about. No firm decision was made. If a care plan had been put in place she would have left hospital. She suddenly took a turn then and they suddenly announced she had a chest and kidney infection and was dying. They decided to stop all feed/water and medication. Whatever the hospital explanation to me, I still feel she was being starved to death and told them so. She lasted 3 days longer than they said and was not really with it up until she died but I spent as much time as I could at the hospital, but she died early in the morning alone. NOW dad says he thinks a home would have been better. I could hear other women on the ward being just like mum, but they used two of them to bath someone etc and that is what mum should have had at home and she wouldn't have caught the infections.
I know I have gone on and on and I apologise for the length of this post. my husband says I couldn't have changed the worsening dementia but what sort of daughter am I? I was at the hospital as much as possible when dad decided he didn't want to know and thought if he wasn't there or didn't call, it wasn't happening. I do blame him a bit for not putting her before himself in the first place - but I should have insisted he consider nursing care/home but my brothers said no one would do anything without his say so as he is next of kin.
I don't know what I am hoping for from this post - certainly not forgiveness from anyone, but maybe to tell others to act before it is too late. Thank you if you have taken the time to read this.
She started showing signs of memory loss around the time a brother died of cancer about 6 years ago. She was a stubborn person who would not go to the doctor over anything, and certainly didn't when I suggested she get things checked. As time went on she became moody and more absent minded. She spent a lot of time on her own - although my dad was there, he spent a lot of time either in bed or down his shed. They never had a perfect marriage, argued from time to time, sometimes wondered why they ever got together in the first place, let alone have 5 children.
I don't live far away but as my son grew older, I spent less time visiting them. I used to go around there all the time when my son was born and I guess it tailed off over the years as he went to school. I could have seen more of her though. My dead brother lived at home and when he was there he used to take mum shopping all over the place, sometimes I would tag along.
As she got worse in the past few years I selfishly didn't go and visit very much. I was afraid of her - afraid of my own ageing mum - she could get very nasty, and I heard, violent; she didn't know I was her daughter, she kept saying about going home to live with her mum (my nan). But dad was there and eventually carers were arranged, so I thought she was being looked after. But I think dad was telling me what he thought I wanted to hear, so as not to worry me.
We kept saying to dad she needed to be in a home which could cope with her condition - the carers were useless, didn't keep her clean - she became doubly incontinent - even lied about what they had done, and when they did come were in and out in 5 minutes. Some looked about 15 years old. But dad still insisted he wanted her at home, but I think it was for selfish reasons. He still stayed in bed a lot, and she, I now know, was getting up to all sorts, putting the electric kettle on the gas hob for example. Thank goodness they had a brilliant neighbour who became a carer to her as well. But I should have been doing that job. Things are alway easier in hindsight.
She had to go into hospital 3 weeks ago as she had a fall and didn't look right - a carer arranged it as the carer before her had not been to dress her etc. It was found she had a water infection, constipation and dehydration. She had very swollen legs which had been a constant problem - the GP refused to visit as he 'couldn't get any sense out of her'.
I did visit her in hospital when she was 'with it'but she was asleep a couple of times anyway. My brothers, father, care manager and doctors had a meeting about her future as she was now well enough to leave hospital so the next step was sought. They arranged the meeting when I was away, which I was annoyed about. No firm decision was made. If a care plan had been put in place she would have left hospital. She suddenly took a turn then and they suddenly announced she had a chest and kidney infection and was dying. They decided to stop all feed/water and medication. Whatever the hospital explanation to me, I still feel she was being starved to death and told them so. She lasted 3 days longer than they said and was not really with it up until she died but I spent as much time as I could at the hospital, but she died early in the morning alone. NOW dad says he thinks a home would have been better. I could hear other women on the ward being just like mum, but they used two of them to bath someone etc and that is what mum should have had at home and she wouldn't have caught the infections.
I know I have gone on and on and I apologise for the length of this post. my husband says I couldn't have changed the worsening dementia but what sort of daughter am I? I was at the hospital as much as possible when dad decided he didn't want to know and thought if he wasn't there or didn't call, it wasn't happening. I do blame him a bit for not putting her before himself in the first place - but I should have insisted he consider nursing care/home but my brothers said no one would do anything without his say so as he is next of kin.
I don't know what I am hoping for from this post - certainly not forgiveness from anyone, but maybe to tell others to act before it is too late. Thank you if you have taken the time to read this.
