Staff member in CH claims Ma difficult.

Toopie28

Registered User
Jun 7, 2022
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These past 3 months have been quite challenging with Ma being in the care home. There have been several issues and a lot of kinks to work out. It's still a work in progress.

One of the team leaders will always make a comment to me about Ma.
Little things, she's going into other people's rooms. And she's rilling up the other residents. She keeps pacing up and down the hall. She keeps asking to go home every day. And other little snippets.

When I reply that other people go into her room as I've seen them, she says oh no, not our residents.
There's other residents that are always pacing and have been since day one. Oh yes, but they like to do that.
She has dementia and limited english speaking ability so I don't really know how much she can say to upset another resident. Oh she can, she says.
All the other residents asked to go home as well. Her response to that was yeah, she's a lot of work. I don't know how you did it.

I'm not really sure what her end game is here. The other team leader absolutely loves Ma and says she's a joy. Any time I would ask her how Ma was, she would say she's absolutely fine and she is very low maintenance compared to others. (This lady is great with Ma.)

Another carer said Ma is like a mother hen and so caring towards other residents (that's part of her that I know is still her)

It just seems that this one team leader from day 1 has just got it in for her? I've seen her with Ma and she's fine and I know that Ma would say something to me if something was off or if this team leader mistreated her.

Should I be worried about this? My sister in law said she may be trying to throw her out by claiming she's problematic. (SIL has witnessed this too)

We both agreed that there's no way she can do that, but I just thought I'd post on here to get some thoughts on this.
 

maggie6445

Registered User
Dec 29, 2023
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Hi @Toopie28 , no experience yet of care homes but just a thought...Maybe the team leaders are just different personalities. One glass half full ,the other glass half empty?

The one that says she's fine means, yes she paces, yes she goes into others rooms but hey they all do ,she's not different so she's fine. The other ,who you say treats ma well, maybe just feels she needs to say it as it is .

Others may have different thoughts . What has your SIL witnessed?
 
Last edited:

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
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Midlands
Sounds to me that she is just trying to make conversation with you.

Maybe more concerning that shes riling up other residents- whatever that means-

Different carers interpret wht she does differently. Maybe one thinks its being like a mother hen, fussing around other residents, perhaps the second thinks she' interfering.

Example: Mary is putting her cardigan on. Carer A thinks its kind that your mum helps her, carer b wishes you Mum would leave Mary to do it and not interfere , dependant on how Mary reacts.
 

maggie6445

Registered User
Dec 29, 2023
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Just as an additional response from me... The lady who says ma is fine is trying to be reassuring. Personally I'm not sure I would find it quite so, as I would know my OH wouldn't be fine . I wouldn't have put him in care. If he was fine and manageable.

The leader who tells it as it is would be reassuring for me. She shows she knows the pwd by using detail and her comment about she doesn't know how you did it would convey empathy as to why I had chosen a care home. Maybe trying to allay guilty feelings I may have

It really does depend how you want to view it.
Ss long as both are kind,treat ma well and you have no evidence to the contrary I'd see it as conversation.
 

maisiecat

Registered User
Oct 12, 2023
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My husband is in a lovely Nursing Home and I spend a lot of time there. Don't know if this will help but this is what I have noticed.
PWD are just the same as people and among the residents there will be people they get on well with and others that you don't sit next to each other at dinner.
Most of them wander into each others rooms and pick up things and relocate them. The team leader might be clumsily warning you to look out for things that don't belong to her.
Team leaders and staff are just the same as the rest of us,they have some residents that they get on well with and others that they find difficult. The day staff think my husband is lovely,the night staff do not hold that view as he frequently is verbally and physically aggressive.
I don't think staff hint if they think they can't meet someone's needs they are usually pretty open about it.
 

Bod

Registered User
Aug 30, 2013
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As any politician will tell you, you cannot please all of the people all of the time.
What is described, is typical for a person in the process of settling down in a Care Home.

Bod
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
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Kent
Hello @Toopie28

I'm not sure I agree with other comments even though I do accept personalities clash.

When this one particular Team Leader seems negative about your mother, try not to justify her behaviour. It is no longer your problem.

I would reply by saying the reason your mother is in residential care is because a team will find it easier to care for her than you alone.

Or

It`s strange others seem to have much more positive experiences with her.

If there is any indication these negative comments are racist, I would discuss this with the manager.
 

SAP

Registered User
Feb 18, 2017
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My response to all these things would be “ well yes that’s dementia for you”
Not sure what this team leader is trying to get at if indeed that is what is happening but having worked in the caring sector for many years I can say that you can’t like everyone and not everyone will like you. Being professional however is a different matter. The only people who can make decisions about a residents placement would be the management and social service ( if involved) and as other staff seem quite happy then don’t worry.
 

Toopie28

Registered User
Jun 7, 2022
317
0
Hi @Toopie28 , no experience yet of care homes but just a thought...Maybe the team leaders are just different personalities. One glass half full ,the other glass half empty?

The one that says she's fine means, yes she paces, yes she goes into others rooms but hey they all do ,she's not different so she's fine. The other ,who you say treats ma well, maybe just feels she needs to say it as it is .

Others may have different thoughts . What has your SIL witnessed?
They do, you're right. Different personalities but also, the other one gets on so much better with Ma. I know you are going to have your favourites and that's fine, but she's in there cuz she's got dementia - like the rest of them.

And that's it - Ma's not doing anything than what the others do.
My SIL is much more vocal. She's as protective of me. She'll tell this lady quite strongly - I've seen other people go into her room! I've seen her be kind and lovely with other residents. I've been there when other residents have shouted at her (as have I, but again it's a dementia home).
 

Toopie28

Registered User
Jun 7, 2022
317
0
Hello @Toopie28

I'm not sure I agree with other comments even though I do accept personalities clash.

When this one particular Team Leader seems negative about your mother, try not to justify her behaviour. It is no longer your problem.

I would reply by saying the reason your mother is in residential care is because a team will find it easier to care for her than you alone.

Or

It`s strange others seem to have much more positive experiences with her.

If there is any indication these negative comments are racist, I would discuss this with the manager.
And that's it - I went through such a stressful time dealing with stuff and then the money came out of my account and I thought - I'm done. Let them deal with it!

Oh gosh, I'd hate to think it could be racist 😭 I did think that at first as she keeps saying that Ma is always speaking Italian and how are they meant to understand - I told her that she couldn't help it as Ma thinks she's speaking English and isn't (that's a whole other drama) .
Also she used to think Ma was yelling when she realised that's how we talk - I let that go as everyone always thinks that unless they are Italian. We yell when we say Hi. It's just the culture. It was the other staff members that told her (whilst I was present) that she wasn't yelling - that's just how they talk.

And you know, enough people love Ma so you're right - I'm going to try and not let her bother me.

Thanks all!