Primary Carer for Mum (but she lives 10 miles away) and Driving Licence

[HappyDaisy]

Hi All. I'm new here.
My Mum has mixed dementia (AD and Vascular). Diagnosis April 21 but showing signs for well over 3 years before. She and Dad lived in West Wales for 3 years and I in Cardiff (they had prev lived in Cardiff all their lives).
Dad passed away in Dec 20 following a very short but harsh Cancer diagnosis. During his diagnosis, he decided to move he and Mum back to the village in Cardiff to a Retirement Flat but passed away. Mum has moved to said flat which is at least 40 mins away from me and there is no other family here and she has only two friends and refuses to tell anyone about her diagnosis.
Anyway!! She STILL has her drivers licence. The DVLA were informed in July/Aug last year but have still yet do anything and I can't get hold of them on the phone. The memory team have told me that I must stop her driving as she scored 0 out of 5 on the reaction test of the last memory test. She gets very upset at the mention of not driving (as she feels she is okay).
I am the ONLY one who knows how bad her dementia is as she hides it well and I have to call her at least 3 times a day to ensure that she hasn't made any mistakes during her day(not with driving but calls etc). She completely trusts me and I am so concerned that she will hate me if it is me that takes away her freedom.
Also, she refuses to move closer to me as she wants to be close to where Dad and her lived previously.
Help! Any advice??

 

[try again]

Disable the car, offer to help get it fixed and don't.

 

[jennifer1967]

have you told her insurance company? blame it on the doctor, hospital, dvla, any body but you.

 

[HappyDaisy]

Disable the car, offer to help get it fixed and don't.

Thank you!!

 

[HappyDaisy]

have you told her insurance company? blame it on the doctor, hospital, dvla, any body but you.

I haven't. It's making me feel sick. I was hoping the DVLA would take the responsibility away but it's taking so long. I will need to show her written proof somehow. I'm also concerned that she will be so isolated. She lives right by a train station but there is no way that she could navigate a train. I can't afford the petrol to keep driving back and forth to hers. I wish she would come and live here.

 

[jennifer1967]

I haven't. It's making me feel sick. I was hoping the DVLA would take the responsibility away but it's taking so long. I will need to show her written proof somehow. I'm also concerned that she will be so isolated. She lives right by a train station but there is no way that she could navigate a train. I can't afford the petrol to keep driving back and forth to hers. I wish she would come and live here.

you need to inform insurance yourself because she may not be covered by insurance with out telling them of pre-existing condition. its her/your responsibility to do it as the DVLA is not responsible for informing her insurance. she could then be pulled up for no insurance.

 

[millalm]

@HappyDaisy I know that sick feeling. I waited about a week too long to take away my Mum's car. Within a few days she scraped a parked car, scraped a moving car, then hit a large pickup truck which sheared off her driver's side mirror, flattened her tire, and she was so unaware that she kept driving (more than a mile) until the angry truck driver forced her to turn off into a parking area. The police were called because she was a "hit and run" "fail to stop" etc. She was so scared she wouldn't open her car door until the police came, ended up in court but was given a fine because she was willing to give up her license. Thank goodness she only hit a truck, and no one was injured.

Your Mum will have to figure out herself that staying where she is does not make long term sense, not being able to drive may help with that.

Please don't wait to take away her keys , it won't get any easier.

 

[millalm]

p.s. there will be enough to feel sick about on this soul sucking journey that is dementia, things you can't change or manage. This is one you can.

My Mum (first diagnosed as vascular, then mixed) was an hours drive from me, and didn't want to move after my Dad died so believe me I get it.

Best of Luck

 

[MartinWL]

You could ask her GP to write to the DVLA. The DVLA might take more notice.

 

[Happy Hampton]

@HappyDaisy I know that sick feeling. I waited about a week too long to take away my Mum's car. Within a few days she scraped a parked car, scraped a moving car, then hit a large pickup truck which sheared off her driver's side mirror, flattened her tire, and she was so unaware that she kept driving (more than a mile) until the angry truck driver forced her to turn off into a parking area. The police were called because she was a "hit and run" "fail to stop" etc. She was so scared she wouldn't open her car door until the police came, ended up in court but was given a fine because she was willing to give up her license. Thank goodness she only hit a truck, and no one was injured.

Your Mum will have to figure out herself that staying where she is does not make long term sense, not being able to drive may help with that.

Please don't wait to take away her keys , it won't get any easier.

We waited too long for my mil. She ended up hitting a parked car on her street and totaled her car. We just never bought her another one. Maybe sit your mum down and have the conversation. My mil got where she would light smokes on the gas stove so we cut the gas, then when she’d look for smokes we’d just say you quit smoking. And she accepted it. Best of luck. Hugs.

 

[Shedrech]

Hi @HappyDaisy
A warm welcome to DTP

What a worry for you .... My condolences on the loss of your dad

You mention that your mum still has her licence, but I'm not clear that she is actually driving ... if she isn't, then maybe just drop all discussion of the licence as she is not actually putting anyone at risk and there's no point in upsetting her
However, if her car is still available to her, that has to be concern ... maybe ask if you can borrow it because yours is breaking down and make a big fuss of her being so kind in lending it so she feels positive and helpful, then either never mention it again or come up with an excuse why you can't take it back straight away eg needs a new part and it hasn't arrived, you had a scrape and feel so bad you are having it repaired
If you can't take the car, try to have it out of her sight and maybe accidentally pick up her keys (and any spares) then keep forgetting to take them back saying you are SO sorry and don't know how you could be so forgetful

Without the car, might you contact a local taxi service and open an account with them so that she just has to call if she wants to go out .... if you are helping with her finances she need never know how much it costs, tell her it's a special service since COVID so those over (her age) can get out and she can have so many trips free

If LPAs aren't already in place do help her organise these to make it easier to help her with her affairs