Mum passed away today

[T1000]

Hi everyone,
As per the title, we lost mum this morning, very sudden and unexpected so very much in shock still. We know it was a 'medical event' but for now that is all until the coroner confirms.
I know I will be in a daze but to get through this it would help me if you can give any tips for how to proceed, some logical steps I can take, things to do and keep me busy as I have not handled a funeral before.

For example, with the care home, do they allow a week or so to collect items or should we arrange this the next few days? I know they have locked her room, and the police gave me her rings but everything else is there.

For her funeral, do we arrange anything now or can we not do so until coroner finalises everything? I can call one tomorrow but just wondered if you have any knowledge on this

With her bills there is a mobile phone and care home only, assume care home may refund some of a recent bill I paid in advance but I am not sure and wondered if that happens or not (ie so I would avoid asking when the time comes).

A family member will need financial help to travel and attend the funeral etc, as I had the POA and I have her app, can I transfer funds or should I not do anything on her account as POA ceases on death? I guess the same question applies for any funeral deposit/payment?

She had a will but basically anything remaining to be left to us 3, she only has one bank / savings account and premium bonds anyway.

Cremation is what she wanted, is it possible to have an area where she can be placed with like a rose bush or something like that, somewhere we can visit?

Anything you can suggest would help as I feel so helpless and just having a list might get me through some of this.

Thanks so much in advance.

 

[Sarasa]

So sorry to hear that news T100, that must have been a shock.
My mum died quite suddenly, but she had been ill for a few days and the care home had prepared me (very gently) as to what I needed to do. In our case mum died on the Thursday and my brother and I cleared her room on the Saturday. The home were very kind and happy to get rid of anything we didn't want which was most of her stuff as mum had been in care a few years and had very few clothes that we wished to keep. I'd already contacted a funeral director when mum was ill, and they came very quickly to collect mum. It took a few days to be able to register the death as the local hospital had to decide whether or not an inquest was needed. When that was sorted the funeral directors pointed us in the direction of a celebrant for the funeral service and a crematorium in which to hold it.
You should be able to use your mums funds for funeral expenses, but I'm not sure about travel to the funeral. Maybe you can pay it up front and then reimburse yourself when the estate is finalised.
We scattered mum's ashes off the pier in her home town, but you could discuss with the funeral directors having a space in the local crematorium or cemetery.
I'm sure others will be along soon with their experiences of dealing with this difficult time.

 

[SAP]

@T1000 , firstly I’m sorry to hear about your mum and even though she had dementia, a sudden death can be quite shocking, it happened with my dad.
The care home will tell you how long you have before the room needs to be cleared , if you need more time, they may even clear the room and store your mums stuff for you, just ask.
You will need the death certificate before you can arrange anything so let the coroner do their job and they will keep you right about the what where and when. By all means speak with some funeral directors, they will also keep you on the right path in my experience.
The POA has now ended , but speak with the bank about accessing funds for the funeral etc. The rest of the financial stuff does not need to be dealt with right now, you may need a solicitor, depending on the will and amounts in question. This will be up to the executor to manage.
With the cremation, the crematory will have a garden of remembrance probably or you can ask the funeral director release her ashes to you and then the family can decide what to do with them.

 

[SherwoodSue]

There is a fair amount of sadmin to do

Many City Councils have a tell us once website which makes this easier.

Thinking of you

 

[yoy]

My condolences to you on the loss of your mum.
Firstly, speak to the home regarding some of your questions as it may depend on what's in the contract. For instance, my mum's home has a policy of needing the room cleared within x number of days of death or you will incur further charges (seems harsh but they are a business and need to keep the rooms full). Similarly, ask them about the refund on the care if it's been paid in advance.
When my dad dies I contacted the funeral director more or less straight away, advising a post mortem was needed and they then, largely, did all the liasing with the coroner and let me know what next steps would be and what I needed to know or do. They will also advise what your options are regarding the ashes etc. They will generally guide you through everything.
With regard to finances, if correct my understanding is that POA ceases on death (OPG need to be informed), her finances should remain untouched until all bills have been finalised, refunds received etc (it can take months), and then anything left should be distributed according to her will.

 

[T1000]

So sorry to hear that news T100, that must have been a shock.
My mum died quite suddenly, but she had been ill for a few days and the care home had prepared me (very gently) as to what I needed to do. In our case mum died on the Thursday and my brother and I cleared her room on the Saturday. The home were very kind and happy to get rid of anything we didn't want which was most of her stuff as mum had been in care a few years and had very few clothes that we wished to keep. I'd already contacted a funeral director when mum was ill, and they came very quickly to collect mum. It took a few days to be able to register the death as the local hospital had to decide whether or not an inquest was needed. When that was sorted the funeral directors pointed us in the direction of a celebrant for the funeral service and a crematorium in which to hold it.
You should be able to use your mums funds for funeral expenses, but I'm not sure about travel to the funeral. Maybe you can pay it up front and then reimburse yourself when the estate is finalised.
We scattered mum's ashes off the pier in her home town, but you could discuss with the funeral directors having a space in the local crematorium or cemetery.
I'm sure others will be along soon with their experiences of dealing with this difficult time.

@Sarasa thank you, yes mum has been collected so we should know more next few days.
Ok so the room aspect is quite quick normally then, I will keep that in mind.
Local crematorium is where her dad is and her mums service was held there too so hopefully that can be done

 

[SeaSwallow]

Sending you heartfelt condolences @T1000 and wishing you strength for the days ahead.

 

[T1000]

My condolences to you on the loss of your mum.
Firstly, speak to the home regarding some of your questions as it may depend on what's in the contract. For instance, my mum's home has a policy of needing the room cleared within x number of days of death or you will incur further charges (seems harsh but they are a business and need to keep the rooms full). Similarly, ask them about the refund on the care if it's been paid in advance.
When my dad dies I contacted the funeral director more or less straight away, advising a post mortem was needed and they then, largely, did all the liasing with the coroner and let me know what next steps would be and what I needed to know or do. They will also advise what your options are regarding the ashes etc. They will generally guide you through everything.
With regard to finances, if correct my understanding is that POA ceases on death (OPG need to be informed), her finances should remain untouched until all bills have been finalised, refunds received etc (it can take months), and then anything left should be distributed according to her will.

Thank you , I did now know about the x number of days but it makes sense.
ok yes will speak to funeral home tomorrow and say if they can liaise with coroner as I can't handle that at the moment I don't think
Yes there is only care home and her mobile bill so I will contact tellusonce, and email OPG
Thank you

 

[T1000]

Sending you heartfelt condolences @T1000 and wishing you strength for the days ahead.

Thank you so much

 

[T1000]

There is a fair amount of sadmin to do

Many City Councils have a tell us once website which makes this easier.

Thinking of you

Thank you I think it's Tesco mobile and OPG plus Barclays I need to talk to then

 

[T1000]

@T1000 , firstly I’m sorry to hear about your mum and even though she had dementia, a sudden death can be quite shocking, it happened with my dad.
The care home will tell you how long you have before the room needs to be cleared , if you need more time, they may even clear the room and store your mums stuff for you, just ask.
You will need the death certificate before you can arrange anything so let the coroner do their job and they will keep you right about the what where and when. By all means speak with some funeral directors, they will also keep you on the right path in my experience.
The POA has now ended , but speak with the bank about accessing funds for the funeral etc. The rest of the financial stuff does not need to be dealt with right now, you may need a solicitor, depending on the will and amounts in question. This will be up to the executor to manage.
With the cremation, the crematory will have a garden of remembrance probably or you can ask the funeral director release her ashes to you and then the family can decide what to do with them.

Sorry for your loss, yes very unexpected and we are just in shock. I think something happened where there is an injury perhaps to head or face as they did not let us see her today as 'she is not like I remember' hence going to coroner.

Ok so I need to talk to care home and a funeral home, there is no executor just her wishes but as you say nothing needs paying yet. I do like the garden of rememebrance and think something like that would be wonderful, ironically we spoke about it a few days ago thinking we were doing the righjt thing for the future, just talking what music she would like etc

 

[yoy]

With regards to Tell Us Once, unless things have changed since dad died, I had to wait for the coroner to do their bit and issue the death certificate, and they then gave me a code to use online for Tell Us Once. It's great in that you put all the necessary details in and then tick all the relevant departments who need to know at both national and local government level - pensions dept, AA dept, passport, dvla, blue badge dept you name it, so it saves you alot of phonecalls/letters. But due to the time between death and receipt of death certificate the pension, benefits etc keep being paid. So once the authorities have been informed they'll work everything out and send you a bill to re-pay it all. Hence I said it can take ages to finalise everything so don't be in a hurry to distribute any monies per her wishes until you are sure everything has been finalised, or you could find yourself out of pocket!

 

[RM3]

Hello @T1000. I am very sorry to hear about your mum.
Although she did not have dementia and was not in a care home, my mum died a few months ago, very unexpectedly.
The coroner was involved which was all in their hands and we contacted the funeral director straight away. They do not rush you on decisions at all but they did liaise with the coroner and led us through each step, letting us know our options. Once they know your/your mums wishes, they will advise on options and costs. We were in shock but very well looked after by the funeral directors.
Take care x

 

[Izzy]

Lots of good advice above @T1000. I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for your loss. Sending my condolences and wishing you strength.

 

[Gosling]

Sorry for your loss @T1000. My condolences to you and wishing you strength in the days ahead.

 

[AutumnRigby]

I hope the knowledge.that we are thinking of you at this terribly sad time brings you.some comfort.

Sending hugs to.you and your.family x

 

[T1000]

With regards to Tell Us Once, unless things have changed since dad died, I had to wait for the coroner to do their bit and issue the death certificate, and they then gave me a code to use online for Tell Us Once. It's great in that you put all the necessary details in and then tick all the relevant departments who need to know at both national and local government level - pensions dept, AA dept, passport, dvla, blue badge dept you name it, so it saves you alot of phonecalls/letters. But due to the time between death and receipt of death certificate the pension, benefits etc keep being paid. So once the authorities have been informed they'll work everything out and send you a bill to re-pay it all. Hence I said it can take ages to finalise everything so don't be in a hurry to distribute any monies per her wishes until you are sure everything has been finalised, or you could find yourself out of pocket!

Oh I see what you mean that makes sense, no we just have travel fees to think about and funeral, so the rest can wait. I had forgotten about blue badge , Attendance Allowance, and even passport but I can wait for coroner. Very painful waiting though as we just want to know what it was that caused her to fall like that.

 

[T1000]

Hello @T1000. I am very sorry to hear about your mum.
Although she did not have dementia and was not in a care home, my mum died a few months ago, very unexpectedly.
The coroner was involved which was all in their hands and we contacted the funeral director straight away. They do not rush you on decisions at all but they did liaise with the coroner and led us through each step, letting us know our options. Once they know your/your mums wishes, they will advise on options and costs. We were in shock but very well looked after by the funeral directors.
Take care x

I am so sorry you have gone through this, it is so painful. We are just in limbo not really understanding what happened aside from it being a 'medical event' and her having fallen.
I think I may contact the crematorium directly, instead of a separate funeral home, but maybe also I can get one of my siblings to do it as my mind is overwhelmed with what to do.

 

[T1000]

Lots of good advice above @T1000. I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for your loss. Sending my condolences and wishing you strength.

Thank you Izzy, I am frazzled and feel like I have been awake 3 days, eyes and head are so sore.

 

[T1000]

I hope the knowledge.that we are thinking of you at this terribly sad time brings you.some comfort.

Sending hugs to.you and your.family x

It is wonderful to have the support of folks who understand, my mind is frazzled and this thread is so helpful