Is my support system shutting down?

[Dee M]

I feel sad tonight. I have just argued with my sister, who is my closest sister and friend, Incredibly, we have never had a cross word between us. I am in my 60s and she is 6 years younger. I always thought we were almost of one mind, as we were so similar. However, since the both of us have become main carers for our lovely Mum (who suffers from Alzheimer's and has been for 2 years), there has been a strain between us. The main issue is our mum is very manipulative and uses emotional blackmail to try and seek more visits for my already over-worked brother. Tonight our brother spoke with mum on the telephone having travelled back from Scotland and mum asked him why he could not come over tonight to see her. This made him feel guilty and negletful. I was upset for him and gently said to mum that she must understand that my brother requires rest after a long journey and will come to see her tomorrow after work. She replied that she did not force anyone to come and see her, and got upset with me. My sister then got humpy with me and defended mum. I was upset and felt misunderstood but mainly so disappointed that my sister could or would not see my point of view. I told my sister how I felt but she still sided with mum. I have gone into a room to be by myself and to contemplate. I do not want us to work against each other, as we have always been a good team supporting our mum. We have enough on our plate on a daily basis contending with the challenges of Alzheimer's. I feel sad that my sister and I have this little rift. Does anyone have some sound advice?

 

[try again]

To you this feels like a big thing at this moment and I'd never dismiss your feelings.
As a stranger, this sounds like a petty disagreement.
I'd forget it and move on. Treat it as a blip as you normally have such a good relationship.
It could be you are feeling more vulnerable at the moment and of course it is the magic of Christmas time that heightens emotions for many reasons including spending more time in each others company. Routines are disruptive and that causes more stress

I have an older sister and we can get into an argument over nothing on WhatsApp 😁 but can rally when we need to

 

[Dee M]

To you this feels like a big thing at this moment and I'd never dismiss your feelings.
As a stranger, this sounds like a petty disagreement.
I'd forget it and move on. Treat it as a blip as you normally have such a good relationship.
It could be you are feeling more vulnerable at the moment and of course it is the magic of Christmas time that heightens emotions for many reasons including spending more time in each others company. Routines are disruptive and that causes more stress

I have an older sister and we can get into an argument over nothing on WhatsApp 😁 but can rally when we need to

@tryagain: Thank you for your wise words. Noted.

 

[Jessie5]

My sister and I rarely argue but dementia and being a carer pushes you to your limits. My sister and I had a massive row when we were caring for Mum and Dad. Try and let it slide, we all are capable behaving in ways we might not normally when under pressure.

 

[Sarasa]

My husband has a good relationship with his three siblings, but trying to do the best for their mum nearly made them fall out irrevocably. They pulled it round by various zoom meetings and phone calls where they each explained how they felt about things and gradually came to a way forward as to how to help her.
Maybe your brother, sister and you could have some time to chat to each other without your mum there to explain how you all feel about things.

 

[yoy]

Is it also worth suggesting your brother and sister sign up to this forum (if they haven't already)? I find the more you read about other peoples experiences the more able you are to come up with strategies to cope with the stresses of dementia. It might help you all stay on the same page - you'll probably need each other.

 

[Muttimuggle]

Essentially, you sound like a caring family who are all looking out for each other. But...I also do recognise the emotional blackmail that your mother is using. My mother, who had always been that sort of way inclined became more like this when she developed dementia, but I know now that this acceleration was part of the illness.If things are confusing around you and don't work the way you want or expect, including people, it is not surprising then for someone to use any method they can to get what they want - the subtlties of how to manage a situation are gone.
I don't have a good relationship with my sibling.We have never been emotionally close but the onset of my mother's dementia, especially before diagnosis caused a massive rift between us. We have essentially been estranged for several years.It was too upsetting(for me at least) any other way. There were big rows over him wanting Mum to be left alone even though he was hardly ever around or here to witness what I was seeing regularly. This is what I would do if I had the sort of family you sound as if you have:

I would ask both siblings if they could have some sort of meetup with you, virtually if nothing else will allow, a meeting in order to discuss the emotionally draining and hard job of keeping a watch on and being a help for your mother. Then allow each to have a say to describe how the care of your mother is affecting you emotionally. That is, how it is hard for all in different ways, for those being nearer but also for those being further away in other ways.Be honest with each other. You could quote me as an example of being part of an opposite sort of sibling relationship which has fallen apart and express how lucky you are to not have that sort of relationship with each other. Then you could talk about how, with dementia, the roles are starting to be reversed and the children are becoming the sensible carers for the parent....and how, as is the case with children, getting them involved in the parental row will ultimately make things worse for all.

 

[Dee M]

Essentially, you sound like a caring family who are all looking out for each other. But...I also do recognise the emotional blackmail that your mother is using. My mother, who had always been that sort of way inclined became more like this when she developed dementia, but I know now that this acceleration was part of the illness.If things are confusing around you and don't work the way you want or expect, including people, it is not surprising then for someone to use any method they can to get what they want - the subtlties of how to manage a situation are gone.
I don't have a good relationship with my sibling.We have never been emotionally close but the onset of my mother's dementia, especially before diagnosis caused a massive rift between us. We have essentially been estranged for several years.It was too upsetting(for me at least) any other way. There were big rows over him wanting Mum to be left alone even though he was hardly ever around or here to witness what I was seeing regularly. This is what I would do if I had the sort of family you sound as if you have:

I would ask both siblings if they could have some sort of meetup with you, virtually if nothing else will allow, a meeting in order to discuss the emotionally draining and hard job of keeping a watch on and being a help for your mother. Then allow each to have a say to describe how the care of your mother is affecting you emotionally. That is, how it is hard for all in different ways, for those being nearer but also for those being further away in other ways.Be honest with each other. You could quote me as an example of being part of an opposite sort of sibling relationship which has fallen apart and express how lucky you are to not have that sort of relationship with each other. Then you could talk about how, with dementia, the roles are starting to be reversed and the children are becoming the sensible carers for the parent....and how, as is the case with children, getting them involved in the parental row will ultimately make things worse for all.

Hi @Muttimuggle: Thank you so much for your very warm and wise advice. I am sorry to hear that your family are not so close. I realise I am lucky having such a supportive family. I will take on board your suggestions and will be seeing my sister and brother this weekend for a long discussion and to share how we are all coping and, most importantly, how we are feeling. In the beginning, we promised each other as a family to be honest and to share feelings. But, as we all know, the journey is so tough! How this condition effects the sufferers and the carers is monumental. Thank you once again.

 

[Dee M]

Hi @Muttimuggle: Thank you so much for your very warm and wise advice. I am sorry to hear that your family are not so close. I realise I am lucky having such a supportive family. I will take on board your suggestions and will be seeing my sister and brother this weekend for a long discussion and to share how we are all coping and, most importantly, how we are feeling. In the beginning, we promised each other as a family to be honest and to share feelings. But, as we all know, the journey is so tough! How this condition effects the sufferers and the carers is monumental. Thank you once again.

Dear All, Thank you for responding to my post. You have all given me such sound advice and I value your experience and support. Thank goodness for these wonderful forums! I wish you all good luck and we all have each other.