The fall:
First, let me say, that I am not 100 percent dementia is the right term. My mom, now 68, had a very nasty fall a few years back, This was the BIG fall as she had actually fallen several times before that. She lives in Georgia and was visiting Texas, where I live. She was on her way to see me (we were going to have a New Year's Eve dinner) when she fell backward and hit the floor so hard that my grandparents thought she was dead. She was hospitalized, but I didn't get to see her because this was during the height of the pandemic, so no visitors were allowed. My mom eventually traveled back with my dad to Georgia.
After the fall, she struggled with mobility and eventually became bedridden due to the massive fear she developed of falling. This led to knee issues. She would have some recovery wins, but then came the constant setbacks. Plus, she appeared very apathetic. She didn't have a drive to fight for her recovery. Looking back, I can see this was the beginning of her cognitive decline. During the first 1.5 years after her fall, I was unable to see her. I was diagnosed with long COVID and found myself virtually bedridden and suffering massive fatigue. I saw a million doctors and was incredibly distracted (and scared) by what was going on with me. My mom and I, who usually talked frequently, talked less and less. But I did try to cheer her on from far away and give her advice as I struggled with my own issues.
Questionable care at the hands of my dad:
The upsetting thing is my dad. He is very controlling. He had my sister looking after my mom, and, unfortunately, my sister struggled to give my mom the basic care she really needed as she struggled with her own mental health issues. My dad, who is very controlling and I would call emotionally abusive, was also not there as my mom needed. He would call my mom lazy, berate her when she started having accidents in the bed, and would never move her from the bed. I think the lack of care she got after the fall sped up her cognitive and mobile decline. Eventually, they got her a CNA, but it didn't seem like the CNA was doing enough. Then my mom developed COVID and was sent to the hospital again, and after that went to a very awful rehab facility that my dad chose.
Luckily, my body was in much better shape at this point and I was able to visit her in Georgia. I didn't even know how bad she was because my dad played it down, but once I got there, he admitted she almost died. While in the awful rehab facility, she developed a UTI that was missed. She went back to the hospital and developed pneumonia and got sepsis. It was hard seeing my mom. Her decline was so fast, and it made me realize I missed so much when I was wrapped up in my own issues. My sister told me there were moments my dad probably could've been arrested based on his treatment of her. And while I was there, I discovered he's been seeing someone seriously (my sister found a receipt for a $1,000 necklace).
Current state:
She is now in a personal care home. There is one woman who will be watching over her (and two other patients) for the next three weeks, 24/7. This woman is around the same age as my mom and has a hip issue. My dad says this place is great because it's owned by a former nurse. Well, the owner is never there. My mom hasn't been moved from her bed in over a month. I can't imagine this woman with a hip problem is even able to move her body much at all. A nurse comes once a week, and a rehab person once a week, but in my opinion, no one is doing much.
My dad coldly told me if she doesn't improve (as if it's up to her on her own) then the insurance will cut off the rehab, so my mom will have no one giving her exercises and will die at the care home. At three points, I've seen my mom's "dementia" go into full gear, and each time I said something was very wrong, and each time he told me I was paranoid and they all know what they're doing. But each time, she had developed an infection. She is currently in a similar state right now, and no nurse has been called. I screamed that a doctor needed to see her, but they said they were awaiting her UTI results. Meanwhile, I fear she'll develop sepsis again. The awful part is I can't tell what's the dementia and what's the infections. I just feel sick to my stomach all the time. Worried all the time. My dad gives me no information. He doesn't let me have any say in her care. And he recently told me he's going to sell their house and kick out my sister and her daughters. I believe he's not being an advocate for my mom and is just ready for his new life to begin.
I haven't told him I know there is a woman in the picture because I fear what he'll do since he has so much control. He hasn't been kind to me at all. He hasn't given me any comfort or cared about how devastated I am by all of this. I've thought about going after him legally. I've thought about reporting the place she's at. But I fear he will cut me off from my mom. I feel so helpless and it's eating me up inside. I have so much guilt for not being there when she needed me most. She is my best friend and my biggest advocate. Now she barely talks and is starting to struggle with eating, I call at least four times a day, but most of the time she doesn't answer. My sister FaceTimed me the other day from there and my mom looked me in the eyes and said she wants to survive. That broke me. I have kids and a job here in Texas. And I took a lot of time off last year for my own health issues. So I don't see how I could leave on good standing with my work to be closer to my mom. And even if I could, I wouldn't be in charge of her care. I don't know what to do. I am failing her.
I hope someone manages to read through all of this. I know it's a lot of info, and believe me, there's a lot more that I could add. I don't even know why I'm here except a) emotional support b) information on if the personal care is the right place for my mom.
My mom is the moon and the sun for me. I'm sick to my stomach that I feel lost in helping with her care.
First, let me say, that I am not 100 percent dementia is the right term. My mom, now 68, had a very nasty fall a few years back, This was the BIG fall as she had actually fallen several times before that. She lives in Georgia and was visiting Texas, where I live. She was on her way to see me (we were going to have a New Year's Eve dinner) when she fell backward and hit the floor so hard that my grandparents thought she was dead. She was hospitalized, but I didn't get to see her because this was during the height of the pandemic, so no visitors were allowed. My mom eventually traveled back with my dad to Georgia.
After the fall, she struggled with mobility and eventually became bedridden due to the massive fear she developed of falling. This led to knee issues. She would have some recovery wins, but then came the constant setbacks. Plus, she appeared very apathetic. She didn't have a drive to fight for her recovery. Looking back, I can see this was the beginning of her cognitive decline. During the first 1.5 years after her fall, I was unable to see her. I was diagnosed with long COVID and found myself virtually bedridden and suffering massive fatigue. I saw a million doctors and was incredibly distracted (and scared) by what was going on with me. My mom and I, who usually talked frequently, talked less and less. But I did try to cheer her on from far away and give her advice as I struggled with my own issues.
Questionable care at the hands of my dad:
The upsetting thing is my dad. He is very controlling. He had my sister looking after my mom, and, unfortunately, my sister struggled to give my mom the basic care she really needed as she struggled with her own mental health issues. My dad, who is very controlling and I would call emotionally abusive, was also not there as my mom needed. He would call my mom lazy, berate her when she started having accidents in the bed, and would never move her from the bed. I think the lack of care she got after the fall sped up her cognitive and mobile decline. Eventually, they got her a CNA, but it didn't seem like the CNA was doing enough. Then my mom developed COVID and was sent to the hospital again, and after that went to a very awful rehab facility that my dad chose.
Luckily, my body was in much better shape at this point and I was able to visit her in Georgia. I didn't even know how bad she was because my dad played it down, but once I got there, he admitted she almost died. While in the awful rehab facility, she developed a UTI that was missed. She went back to the hospital and developed pneumonia and got sepsis. It was hard seeing my mom. Her decline was so fast, and it made me realize I missed so much when I was wrapped up in my own issues. My sister told me there were moments my dad probably could've been arrested based on his treatment of her. And while I was there, I discovered he's been seeing someone seriously (my sister found a receipt for a $1,000 necklace).
Current state:
She is now in a personal care home. There is one woman who will be watching over her (and two other patients) for the next three weeks, 24/7. This woman is around the same age as my mom and has a hip issue. My dad says this place is great because it's owned by a former nurse. Well, the owner is never there. My mom hasn't been moved from her bed in over a month. I can't imagine this woman with a hip problem is even able to move her body much at all. A nurse comes once a week, and a rehab person once a week, but in my opinion, no one is doing much.
My dad coldly told me if she doesn't improve (as if it's up to her on her own) then the insurance will cut off the rehab, so my mom will have no one giving her exercises and will die at the care home. At three points, I've seen my mom's "dementia" go into full gear, and each time I said something was very wrong, and each time he told me I was paranoid and they all know what they're doing. But each time, she had developed an infection. She is currently in a similar state right now, and no nurse has been called. I screamed that a doctor needed to see her, but they said they were awaiting her UTI results. Meanwhile, I fear she'll develop sepsis again. The awful part is I can't tell what's the dementia and what's the infections. I just feel sick to my stomach all the time. Worried all the time. My dad gives me no information. He doesn't let me have any say in her care. And he recently told me he's going to sell their house and kick out my sister and her daughters. I believe he's not being an advocate for my mom and is just ready for his new life to begin.
I haven't told him I know there is a woman in the picture because I fear what he'll do since he has so much control. He hasn't been kind to me at all. He hasn't given me any comfort or cared about how devastated I am by all of this. I've thought about going after him legally. I've thought about reporting the place she's at. But I fear he will cut me off from my mom. I feel so helpless and it's eating me up inside. I have so much guilt for not being there when she needed me most. She is my best friend and my biggest advocate. Now she barely talks and is starting to struggle with eating, I call at least four times a day, but most of the time she doesn't answer. My sister FaceTimed me the other day from there and my mom looked me in the eyes and said she wants to survive. That broke me. I have kids and a job here in Texas. And I took a lot of time off last year for my own health issues. So I don't see how I could leave on good standing with my work to be closer to my mom. And even if I could, I wouldn't be in charge of her care. I don't know what to do. I am failing her.
I hope someone manages to read through all of this. I know it's a lot of info, and believe me, there's a lot more that I could add. I don't even know why I'm here except a) emotional support b) information on if the personal care is the right place for my mom.
My mom is the moon and the sun for me. I'm sick to my stomach that I feel lost in helping with her care.
