Failed respite visit

[Irisivyclara722161]

Hi everyone
Recently booked my mum into respite care whilst I was visiting my son abroad so that she’d be safe and have company as my brother works and I didn’t want her to be alone

Took her under the guise of a coffee morn as she’d already said that she didn’t want to stay anywhere even though at times she says she hates her flat and feels frightened

All went well and I left her in the care of the wonderful staff but unfortunately by the evening they had to call my brother as she was making such a fuss they couldn’t settle her

What bothers me is if she gets to the point where she needs full time care I don’t know how to deal with it

She’s not mentioned it since I’ve been home but talking to family I hear i wasn’t the good daughter she thought I was

Massive guilt trip here so wondered if anyone has had similar problems

Thankyou for taking the time to read this

 

[canary]

Hello @Irisivyclara722161

It sounds like your mum sundowns. A good dementia home aught to be able to cope with that. I would guess that she was in the wrong home for her. Not all homes are the same and it is worth seeking out somewhere that is better able to meet her needs.

 

[Jessbow]

People take weeks to settle, a respite stay is often 'not settled' for the whole fortnight- the home shuld know that if they are set up for dementia residents.

Do you know what sort of ''fuss' she was making?

 

[Grannie G]

I really don`t understand why care homes seem unable to adopt the distraction techniques carers do daily.

We will phone tomorrow.

Your `family member ` must be out, we`ll try tomorrow

etc etc

 

[Irisivyclara722161]

Hi everyone

Firstly thankyou for your replies they have been most helpful

I have since learnt that even though mum has dementia as there wasn’t a deprivation of liberty in place, even though myself and my brother have LPAs for health and assets, the home couldn’t keep her for respite if she was distressed and wanted to go home

I don’t know what will happen when she does need extra care but maybe she’ll be a little more coercive then

I booked her in at a Cogs club last Friday so that she can engage with others and not be lonely at home,and although I took her and said I’d be back after lunch when I’d finished work,I had a call 2hrs later to say she wouldn’t settle and could I pick up

She wasn’t happy with me but I stayed for an hour so that she could watch the Entertainment which she enjoyed very much but when asked by the lovely volunteers if she was coming next week,she flatly refused unless I could attend also….which isnt the idea

I’ve asked her since but again I get “not unless you stay with me”
I’m tired of trying to keep her happy,taking her out,going to other coffee morns but I need some time to myself to work and catchup at home

I can feel resentment creeping in and I don’t want to feel like that but she’s being very controlling
I know it’s the dementia but it’s very draining

Sorry to rant

Debbie

 

[Starting on a journey]

If it’s any help….mum went into respite last year and had a bad experience. It was supposed to be a dementia home but they couldn’t cope with mum and her aggression. They ended up shouting at her and telling her to behave herself and she had an unexplained injury, went on hunger strike …..

This year she has gone for a trial probably full time in another home. Within 24 hours up and dressed, potential skin problems recorded and treatment started, food is great and taking part in activities and getting her hair done! They have been trained to deal with dementia, when I apologised in advance for mums sometimes aggressive behaviour they were like, it comes with the job.

What I am trying to say is ask potential homes lots of questions, what behaviour don’t they tolerate, staff training and turnover. My mum is reactive so ask them what they would do to avoid problems.

I think they might have raised the dol s issue because they realised that it would be a difficult week and maybe didn’t have the staff to deal

 

[Anne19]

xxx

 

[canary]

’m tired of trying to keep her happy,taking her out,going to other coffee morns but I need some time to myself to work and catchup at home

Im afraid that whatever you do you will never be able to make her completely happy. Dementia will make more and more demands on you and however much you give it will be never be enough. So you will have to work out what you can and (more importantly) what you cannot do and stick to it. If you are trying to work, or need some "time out" switch off your phone so that you will not be distracted

 

[try again]

When I placed mum into respite she lasted about 3 weeks of the four (getting her house cleaned and heating fixed) and I had to take her home.
That was 2 years ago.
She had only just started to get carers in before she went in and seemed more accepting of them after as up to then all help (apart from me of course) was refused.
She has been back permanently in the home since February this year.
After many falls and infections her last visit to hospital in January resulted in an assessment that she was no longer safe on her own. It came as a relief to me as her mobility was awful but didn't stop her trying , hence the falls. It was obvious that it was going to be as a result of some sort of crisis that she ended up back in a home or died in hospital .
6 months in she is doubly incontinent, not mobile and in the latter stages of dementia. It's a shock to the system to see her like this but looking back on it I have to admit that the progress has been fairly steady over the years. There isn't too much guilt , I may be harder than a lot , she just wasn't able to live independently as she wanted anymore. Not that she had been doing that for the last 5 years.