Good evening - my 83 year old father has been diagnosed with early alzheimers…he lives independantly and well with his 70 year old wife (stepmother). She and I have an excellent relationship. They live in a very rural location in a place that is very special to us all but becoming unmanageable. I wish to share my father’s care and enjoy whatever time we have left together and as securly as possible. Unfortunately i live over 100 miles away. The opportunity for them both to move to live with us in a neighbouring house has arisen. (My stepmother is supporting this ) My fathers wish has always been to leave “feet first” from his house - at the moment they both cope really well - he still drives (which is a huge worry ) but they will not be able to manage and would potentially need the equity for care rather than upkeep of the property and increasing isolation for my stepmother. I had the heart wrenching conversation this weekend (on my own whilst my step mother was visiting her son and grandchildren) regarding the sale and move. As you may imagine it has been so upsetting, confusing, terrifying for dad - i tried all the positives and support - it has led to terrible terrible rows - me trying to avoid all the donts but failing miserably - and now i have a distraught father convinced that im the worst daughter/person in the world. In trying to include him and breaking the inevitable news his comprehension of what i am asking is totally out of kilter and no amount of explaining or changing the subject or leaving the room helps. Hes aggressive and personal which i absolutely understand …my question is how do i deal with it - what should i be saying and how? I am devastated to think im hurting him (hes told me i have so much) - its the opposite - im trying to do the best for him - them both.
Early stage dementia - dealing with arguments
- Thread starter Modiste
- Start date
Hello @Modiste welcome to the Dementia Support Forum but sorry to hear about problems you are having with your father, it must be so difficult to deal with the rows and arguments. You seem to be doing the best you can for him but as you have identified, your father is not able to understand about the move and house sale and trying to explain it to him just doesn't work - "I have realised In trying to include him and breaking the inevitable news his comprehension of what i am asking is totally out of kilter and no amount of explaining or changing the subject or leaving the room helps".
It's good that your step-mother is supporting the move and you have a good relationship with her, it may help things if the family just carried on with the plans and arrangements but didn't discuss the move with your father due to the upset that this is causing him. It may seem not right to do this but you would be doing it for the right reasons, to avoid distress for your father and reduce conflict, which must be upsetting for everyone. This is a supportive place and people are happy to help and offer advice if they can, so others may be along with more suggestions. You may also find the link below helpful as it contains lots of communication related techniques/suggestions. Everyone is different so what may help one person, or be useful in certain circumstances, may not work for you and your father but you might find something useful that is worth trying:
forum.alzheimers.org.uk
It's good that your step-mother is supporting the move and you have a good relationship with her, it may help things if the family just carried on with the plans and arrangements but didn't discuss the move with your father due to the upset that this is causing him. It may seem not right to do this but you would be doing it for the right reasons, to avoid distress for your father and reduce conflict, which must be upsetting for everyone. This is a supportive place and people are happy to help and offer advice if they can, so others may be along with more suggestions. You may also find the link below helpful as it contains lots of communication related techniques/suggestions. Everyone is different so what may help one person, or be useful in certain circumstances, may not work for you and your father but you might find something useful that is worth trying:
Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired
The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...
forum.alzheimers.org.uk
thank you so much and the document you suggest is really good and I was able to use some of the examples and techniques this morning (after such a dreadful night) which worked so well. He changes his mind daily - one minute he's fine with the move and the next he insists he will not move at any cost and is under the impression that some magical benefactor will pay for him to remain there regardless of his situation. The suggestion of just not involving him as it will/does upset, confuse, cause illogical reactions is a good one although unnatural. Part of his anxiety around moving is the amount of work and organisation that will have to be done so this way he won't get to see that so much.
It is a great relief to know that there is such a place for discussion especially when you feel so isolated as a relative/carer of someone who is loved so much.
It is a great relief to know that there is such a place for discussion especially when you feel so isolated as a relative/carer of someone who is loved so much.
I'm really pleased that you found the link helpful @Modiste and do keep visiting here to ask for advice, receive support or just to have a bit of a rant if you need too. You won't feel alone or isolated here as people understand and are happy to help if they can. Just knowing that there are others out there, who you can reach out to when you need to, can really make a difference.
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