Difficult visit with mum

[nic001]

I visited mum today but she’s wasn’t in a good place. She’d gone back in her mind to when she worked at a college in reception and she was arguing with staff about taking her downstairs with all her stuff so she could go home. She said my dad was coming to get her.
She was so argumentative and when I suggested we go to her room and that dad wasn’t there yet she was just awful - spiteful and nasty. It makes me feel so down that she’s like that to me.
I know she’ll be different again another time but I feel like these times are chipping away at me. I didn’t stay very long and hope the next day will be better. X

 

[Muttimuggle]

Your Mum hasn't been there that long has she nic001? I really hope that things begin to settle down the longer your Mum is in her new surroundings. It might take time and I suppose you don't have to attend too frequently while your Mum's acclimatising is happening. It is no good if this is upsetting you, no good for either of you.
Before my mum went into a care home I used to keep a sort of record file on her because there was so much to attend to.This included things like the health concerns she had and subsequent visits to hospitals, things about the Care Agency which came, medication records, the chemist's details of the blister packs as they got altered. Also within there I kept details which I recorded like a diary about difficult communications I was having with others about Mum's care. So in there were records of times Mum was making no sense or stating things which she believed to be facts(especially when blaming me was part of that) and about when things got proved otherwise when validation for my actions became apparent. The same sort of records were there of my invisible brother's criticisms or unhelpful interfering. At times of self doubt I would read back (and still do occasionally!) and feel amazed at my accomplishments whilst faced with difficult people and difficult circumstances. It is true that it was then a very rocky road and I was not always functioning the best I could but looking back I wasn't so bad!
What I am trying to say is that I know you have been doing so much for your Mum, finding the care home sorting out who to send to with her change of address details and more. Not only that you are posting on here to try to offload the difficulty which you are trying to manage and not ignore. If you haven't so far recorded all you have done maybe you should do that. Knowing you were, and are, doing the best you can might help you feel a little solace despite the current circumstances.

 

[nic001]

Your Mum hasn't been there that long has she nic001? I really hope that things begin to settle down the longer your Mum is in her new surroundings. It might take time and I suppose you don't have to attend too frequently while your Mum's acclimatising is happening. It is no good if this is upsetting you, no good for either of you.
Before my mum went into a care home I used to keep a sort of record file on her because there was so much to attend to.This included things like the health concerns she had and subsequent visits to hospitals, things about the Care Agency which came, medication records, the chemist's details of the blister packs as they got altered. Also within there I kept details which I recorded like a diary about difficult communications I was having with others about Mum's care. So in there were records of times Mum was making no sense or stating things which she believed to be facts(especially when blaming me was part of that) and about when things got proved otherwise when validation for my actions became apparent. The same sort of records were there of my invisible brother's criticisms or unhelpful interfering. At times of self doubt I would read back (and still do occasionally!) and feel amazed at my accomplishments whilst faced with difficult people and difficult circumstances. It is true that it was then a very rocky road and I was not always functioning the best I could but looking back I wasn't so bad!
What I am trying to say is that I know you have been doing so much for your Mum, finding the care home sorting out who to send to with her change of address details and more. Not only that you are posting on here to try to offload the difficulty which you are trying to manage and not ignore. If you haven't so far recorded all you have done maybe you should do that. Knowing you were, and are, doing the best you can might help you feel a little solace despite the current circumstances.

Thank you for your reply, it means a lot.
Mums been in the home for nearly 3 weeks so it’s early days.
You’re right about reflecting on all that’s been achieved. It has been a long journey to get here. At times I’ve felt I’m going completely mad! But I’ve always tried to do what I thought was best for mum and to help her in anyway that I can. It’s exhausting and it continues. This forum has been a lifeline x

 

[Muttimuggle]

Thank you for your reply, it means a lot.
Mums been in the home for nearly 3 weeks so it’s early days.
You’re right about reflecting on all that’s been achieved. It has been a long journey to get here. At times I’ve felt I’m going completely mad! But I’ve always tried to do what I thought was best for mum and to help her in anyway that I can. It’s exhausting and it continues. This forum has been a lifeline x

Me too- re times like I felt like I was going mad....and this forum being a lifeline. It took time for my mother to build relationships with the carers and to feel that she liked them and trusted them.She still knows none of their names and is still disorientated, 10 months on, about which direction she should go in her small, single storey care home...but her trust has improved and the feeling of being safe. I hope it gets better for you and your Mum.

 

[northumbrian_k]

Hi @nic001 I really do recognise how hurtful it can be when one becomes the focus for nasty words and behaviour. Try to see past this and not take it to heart. It is your mum who seems to be acting in this way but it is not her fault, just one of the many unpleasant facets of dementia. It isn't even about you really. So often it is the people who are closest and care the most that become targets for unpleasantness, hostility or worse. It is hard to do, but try not to react to what dementia is doing to your relationship. There's no one to blame, no recriminations necessary and - always - hope that in time your mum will settle and that things become less stressful.

 

[nic001]

Hi @nic001 I really do recognise how hurtful it can be when one becomes the focus for nasty words and behaviour. Try to see past this and not take it to heart. It is your mum who seems to be acting in this way but it is not her fault, just one of the many unpleasant facets of dementia. It isn't even about you really. So often it is the people who are closest and care the most that become targets for unpleasantness, hostility or worse. It is hard to do, but try not to react to what dementia is doing to your relationship. There's no one to blame, no recriminations necessary and - always - hope that in time your mum will settle and that things become less stressful.

I understand what you’re saying. Unfortunately my mum could be like this when I was younger, if I didn’t do things her way, she would shout, be nasty and she wouldn’t talk to me for a few days to couple of weeks. It was awful as a young person and she took me right back there today. Until I became an adult again and left.
Of course the dementia is not her fault and I love my mum. But the things she says are v difficult to bare as she’s so spiteful. I think the lack of control she feels makes her angry and I can understand that, it’s very early days of her moving into the carehome. It’s a huge change.
Tomorrow is another day as they say, for her and me.

 

[canary]

Its often a rocky ride when someone first moves into a care home and I think she had hit one of those "bumps".
Next time you visit it may well be totally different.
When you one of those "difficult" visits, its OK to cut it very short