I decided to clear out my old & random “notes‘ on my IPhone today & found this.
I know i have written things on my phone in the past & I have posted one on here before.
This memory made me feel incredibly sad & i suddenly feel like it was yesterday.
I’ve always kept diary’s as a child and although not as often, record odd life events as an adult.
Ive coped it literally, spelling, punctuation warts & all From when I typed it in my bed in my family home after a long and difficult day.
Clara was the name of the storm. Xx
Ciara bloody Ciara
Your power keeps us indoors
We can’t risk going out
The same conversation minute after minute
Hour after hour
‘But it’s fine out there’
‘We were out in it earlier’
‘What’s that noise?’
‘The neighbours are noisy’
It’s just the wind mum
‘Yes it’s wet and rainy but it actually might not be’
How do you answer that when it’s pouring down the window next to you
Walking is what you love to do the best
It’s when you are at your happiest
Not today though
It’s going to be a tough day
I look for the best alternatives
But i know the fallout will come
Dominoes for a ‘wager’
A wager still makes you smile
Always played games and played for money
5p, 10p, 20p
You win and you love it
I didn’t let you
Still a fierce competitor
You try and put your money as a tile
It makes me sad
We revisit the basic rules every go
Groundhog Day
But it doesn’t matter
Because we laugh
We play a 50’s CD
We dance to Bill Haley and Jerry Lee Lewis
What if the neighbours see?
We laugh and carry on dancing
I love you, I know you love me
Your spark is still alive
Memories are still alive
For a fleeting moment Dad is still alive
We continue the afternoon
Later you tire so we watch some of the rugby
You enjoy it like you did watching England vs Scotland yesterday
But I see your eyes darken as the day progresses
No obvious reason
But I know you’re tired
I let you rest
You fight the tiredness
I try to give you space
You want me there
I try to support
You want space
I try to be your daughter
I mustn’t tell you what to do
I try to make it like it always was
‘Why did you make me watch them’?
“They’re not us’
It’s a ticking time bomb i can’t really see & can’t read
I am praying I can defuse
Dinner is great
You eat it all
Dinner was bad
I should have known
You want to watch tv
You want me to pick
Too old
Too young
Not cookery
Not houses
Not gardens
No that’s just silly
No No Just No
This not us!
But what is us now?
I don’t understand and yet I try
I pray for Dads Army, I know that can work
Not on
I see only fools and horses in the magazine
Can’t find the channel
My heart drops
maybe I make too much effort
Maybe I should just ignore?
I stop
I breathe
I reassess
I don’t know what to do
This isn’t how we were bought up
We were bought up to be brave, address & resolve
You and dad taught us so brilliantly
Then it happens
In a split second
No warning
Plates are smashed
Christ
I don’t react
You are ashamed of me
Over and over you tell me
I clean up
I tell you I love you
You want the fight
I try to stop you cutting yourself in the shards
‘Don’t touch me!’
I reassure & tell you I just want to keep you safe
You want the fight
You really want the fight
I make you ashamed
I make you ashamed
I did this
I make you ashamed
I leave the room
Much Later we cuddle
For you, for now, it’s normal
Nothing happened
For me the next few hours til bedtime are a constant state of high alert
I jover analyse your every word & move
Waiting for the next explosion
Your now in bed asleep
It took some time
I’m in bed too but 3 hours later
Still on edge
This is Alzheimers
Alzheimers is ****
It’s just ****
I know i have written things on my phone in the past & I have posted one on here before.
This memory made me feel incredibly sad & i suddenly feel like it was yesterday.
I’ve always kept diary’s as a child and although not as often, record odd life events as an adult.
Ive coped it literally, spelling, punctuation warts & all From when I typed it in my bed in my family home after a long and difficult day.
Clara was the name of the storm. Xx
Ciara bloody Ciara
Your power keeps us indoors
We can’t risk going out
The same conversation minute after minute
Hour after hour
‘But it’s fine out there’
‘We were out in it earlier’
‘What’s that noise?’
‘The neighbours are noisy’
It’s just the wind mum
‘Yes it’s wet and rainy but it actually might not be’
How do you answer that when it’s pouring down the window next to you
Walking is what you love to do the best
It’s when you are at your happiest
Not today though
It’s going to be a tough day
I look for the best alternatives
But i know the fallout will come
Dominoes for a ‘wager’
A wager still makes you smile
Always played games and played for money
5p, 10p, 20p
You win and you love it
I didn’t let you
Still a fierce competitor
You try and put your money as a tile
It makes me sad
We revisit the basic rules every go
Groundhog Day
But it doesn’t matter
Because we laugh
We play a 50’s CD
We dance to Bill Haley and Jerry Lee Lewis
What if the neighbours see?
We laugh and carry on dancing
I love you, I know you love me
Your spark is still alive
Memories are still alive
For a fleeting moment Dad is still alive
We continue the afternoon
Later you tire so we watch some of the rugby
You enjoy it like you did watching England vs Scotland yesterday
But I see your eyes darken as the day progresses
No obvious reason
But I know you’re tired
I let you rest
You fight the tiredness
I try to give you space
You want me there
I try to support
You want space
I try to be your daughter
I mustn’t tell you what to do
I try to make it like it always was
‘Why did you make me watch them’?
“They’re not us’
It’s a ticking time bomb i can’t really see & can’t read
I am praying I can defuse
Dinner is great
You eat it all
Dinner was bad
I should have known
You want to watch tv
You want me to pick
Too old
Too young
Not cookery
Not houses
Not gardens
No that’s just silly
No No Just No
This not us!
But what is us now?
I don’t understand and yet I try
I pray for Dads Army, I know that can work
Not on
I see only fools and horses in the magazine
Can’t find the channel
My heart drops
maybe I make too much effort
Maybe I should just ignore?
I stop
I breathe
I reassess
I don’t know what to do
This isn’t how we were bought up
We were bought up to be brave, address & resolve
You and dad taught us so brilliantly
Then it happens
In a split second
No warning
Plates are smashed
Christ
I don’t react
You are ashamed of me
Over and over you tell me
I clean up
I tell you I love you
You want the fight
I try to stop you cutting yourself in the shards
‘Don’t touch me!’
I reassure & tell you I just want to keep you safe
You want the fight
You really want the fight
I make you ashamed
I make you ashamed
I did this
I make you ashamed
I leave the room
Much Later we cuddle
For you, for now, it’s normal
Nothing happened
For me the next few hours til bedtime are a constant state of high alert
I jover analyse your every word & move
Waiting for the next explosion
Your now in bed asleep
It took some time
I’m in bed too but 3 hours later
Still on edge
This is Alzheimers
Alzheimers is ****
It’s just ****