Bereaved father never mentions my mother

[carrotcakeforme]

Both my parents suffered from dementia for years and sadly we recently lost my mother. They were both still living together at home.

My father never mentions her, ever, not by name, not in reference to anything they ever did even though they were married for over 65 years. On the day she died he was able to say goodbye to her and he did understand that she had died.

In the first few days afterwards he was surprisingly cheerful and chatty, possibly because he was finally benefitting from a proper night's sleep.

Should I try to discuss my mother with him? Should I arrange bereavement counselling? Or should we just leave things as they are? He does not seem to be unhappy. He is eating, drinking and sleeping well, and manages to engage in conversation (better on some days than others).

Thank you for any advice

 

[SeaSwallow]

Hello @carrotcakeforme and welcome to the Dementia Support Forum. I am sorry to read about the loss of your mother it is always such a difficult time without the added worry about your father.

I had a similar issue when my mum passed away, my dad keep forgetting that she had passed. Every time we reminded him about mum he grieved all over again. We then started saying things like, she is out shopping, will be back later etc and eventually he stopped asking about her at all.

It is hard, but I think that the best thing is not to remind your father of your mother's passing unless he specifically asks and then only if you think that it would not upset him.

 

[Kevinl]

I rarely talk about my now late wife (the reason I post on here and mum too), just my way of coping.
The past is the past as they say, she'll always be there in my heart, just not in my life any longer sadly.
Moving on isn't easy especially when it's been nearly 50 years we were together, something over 10 years since she was diagnosed.
Life as a now single man, former carer isn't easy, still just have to get on, I'll be posting from my boat tomorrow, few days away, alone, but who knows what will happen?
I am selling our boat, bought a new one which is mine not ours, being alone you just have to cope in you're own way.
It is about moving on, hence the reason I have 2 boats, that and the weather. K

 

[Collywobbles]

I have an uncle with Parkinson’s-related dementia. My aunt died unexpectedly a few years ago. As soon as she was gone from his life, he sadly didn’t even remember he’d ever been married. Even at her memorial event, he couldn’t remember why he was there. We suspect he hadn’t realised she was his wife for some time before she died. She was just a nice lady who dressed and fed him. The carers who took over seemed to be no different in his eyes.

In your case, maybe just see your Dad’s lack of awareness as a bit of a blessing. He has no grief to deal with, and reminding him that he ought to, might just confuse him and upset him for a different reason. He’s being spared what you’re having to suffer.

 

[cymbid]

I rarely talk about my now late wife (the reason I post on here and mum too), just my way of coping.
The past is the past as they say, she'll always be there in my heart, just not in my life any longer sadly.
Moving on isn't easy especially when it's been nearly 50 years we were together, something over 10 years since she was diagnosed.
Life as a now single man, former carer isn't easy, still just have to get on, I'll be posting from my boat tomorrow, few days away, alone, but who knows what will happen?
I am selling our boat, bought a new one which is mine not ours, being alone you just have to cope in you're own way.
It is about moving on, hence the reason I have 2 boats, that and the weather. K

You doing right Kevin. I had a guesthouse with my late husband , but it was our thing . and i didnt want to do it alone. So after he died , I sold up and set about making a new life . New house, new town , new interests. Now 15 years later I am lucky enough to have a new partner . You never know what is waiting for you

 

[Jale]

My dad died in 2015 - not dementia related -but mum was starting to show signs - being forgetful mainly. From the day of the funeral she never spoke about him at all, despite us trying to talk to her about him. When she was admitted to the nursing home in 2018 after a few months she removed her wedding ring saying she shouldn't be wearing it because she had never been married. Broke my heart when she did that as they had been married for 63 years and were childhood sweethearts.

If it were me I don't think I would mention your mum to your dad - it may upset him but then he might forget again. It is very difficult - my brother died recently and I haven't told mum because I know she would be devastated but would forget the conversation within minutes, If she does mention him, which is very unlikely, I will say that he can't visit because he has a cold.

 

[Kevinl]

Probably falling in the canal again, why are boats so slippy or is it just me getting older. K

 

[sdmhred]

This is one of the sadnesses of dementia. Mum understands Dad has died but does not recall or remember him in every day life. She will very occasionally think one other resident who shouts a lot is him, but otherwise it’s as if he didn’t exist. We talk about him around her but there is nothing to he gained by talking to her about him.

 

[carrotcakeforme]

Thank you all for your very kind replies and for giving me some understanding of how you and your loved ones managed in the same situation. It's very helpful to me. Many thanks and wishing you all the best.

 

[Alisongs]

Hello @carrotcakeforme and welcome to the Dementia Support Forum. I am sorry to read about the loss of your mother it is always such a difficult time without the added worry about your father.

I had a similar issue when my mum passed away, my dad keep forgetting that she had passed. Every time we reminded him about mum he grieved all over again. We then started saying things like, she is out shopping, will be back later etc and eventually he stopped asking about her at all.

It is hard, but I think that the best thing is not to remind your father of your mother's passing unless he specifically asks and then only if you think that it would not upset him.

Great advice