Any Ideas

[vinvin]

I check the site regularily and thanks to everyone I gather lots of ideas and help but wonder if anyone can help with this
My Mum has 2 photographs in frames of my son 1 when he was about 5 and one when he was about 8 (he is now 15) which she insists on carrying around with her and she talks to them and trys to put food and drink out for them even left the tv on all night for them the other night. I have tried to explain they are just photos don't eat drink talk etc and that the big tall boy at home is the real one to no avail. My son gets upset that his Nan makes a big fuss of these photos but does not seem to know who he is. In the younger photo he has much blonder hair and did not wear glasses so I think this may be why. She used to look after him a couple of days a week when he was little and remembers taking him to the park and to nursery and school, Any ideas on how to make her realise the pictures and her grandson are the sme person.

Another thing I have arrived at her place a few times lately to be told why did you come earlier and go again I have been all around town looking for you but gave up Also had one phone call at 6am to say had just come back from looking around town for me. Am really worried about her wandering around the town at 5am have tried to explain I would not go in and leave again but she insists I have.

Sorry about the long winded whinge everything just getting a bit on top of me lately.

 

[Shash7677]

Whinge away Vinvin you have every right.

I'm afraid I can't be very helpful other than to ask if your mum has a wander alarm fitted? If not it may be an idea to look into one. If the door is left open for x amount of time it sends a signal to a call centre who in turn would call you or another carer to say that it has gone off could you check your mum. If they can't get hold of you then they send someone round. That was you will always know if mum has gone out and that she definitely is going. She may be saying she's been looking round town but donyou know for definite that she has gone out? I don't mean that in a patronising way, my mum used to say she had been here and there but all the time she was at home.

The other thing you can get is like a human GPS I think it comes as a pendant/something to put in a handbag or pocket. With this you can track where a person is if they have wandered.

I'm surprised that if mum has been out so early in town the police haven't picked her up as she is vulnerable??? But then do they always do their job????? ;-)

I hope this helps, someone will be along that will explain things better and in more detail I'm sure.

Take care
Sharon
X

 

[CollegeGirl]

Hi vinvin, we have very similar problems with my mam and photos. She thinks the people in the photos have actually been in the house (most of her family are long dead) and goes looking for them and gets distressed.

My mam and dad have one photo of my elder daughter and younger daughter together, aged about 12 and 3, but mam doesn't know who they are. My daughters are now aged 23 and 13. She also has one of my younger daughter taken just last year and she always (I think) knows who this is, as it still looks like my daughter.

I believe that in my mam's mind, my two daughters have merged into one. She never talks about my older girl and doesn't know who she is if we talk about her. She always remembers my younger girl.

I think this is because she can only remember my older daughter as a child of about 12-13, and now that my younger girl is this age, and looks similar to how her sister looked at that age, she thinks that they're just one person, because she has no idea about the passage of time.

I'm thinking of replacing the combined photo with one of both my girls as they are now - but even then I don't know whether mam will be able to remember my older daughter any better.

Strangely she remembers the older one's fiancee very clearly and seems to think that he's related to her, and that my daughter is just his girlfriend, rather than seeing them as her granddaughter and her boyfriend. Strange this illness.

Sorry, in a very long winded way, I'm trying to say - would it be worth trying to replace your mum's photos with more up to date ones? Or would it distress her to take them away?

I can't think of any other solution.

Hope you get some better suggestions.

Edit - just had another thought. Does your mum even realise that these photos are of her grandson? Re-reading your post makes me think not. So - why not just let her keep the photos and make a fuss of them just because she likes them, and also provide her with a really good photo of your son as he is now, and say "look, here's a photo of your grandson ******, to keep with your other photos" and then make sure she always has an up-to-date photo of him so that she maybe can recognise as being the big tall lad who lives with you.

 

[rjm]

Hi Vinvin,

I think it's lovely that your mum has such an attachment to her grandson's pictures. I don't think you can make her realise that your now grown son is the same person - he really isn't. He is the grown up version of what she remembers and bears no resemblance to the little boy she looked after. Try to get him to understand how wonderful it is that she bonded so well with him when he was little that this is a persistent memory for her. Unfortunately, and all too soon, she will reach the point where she no longer recognise the pictures of him. Enjoy your time with her and celebrate what she can do, mourning what she can't do becomes endless and depressing.

 

[Big Effort]

Hello Vinvin,
I wonder if I am understanding your post correctly? Your Mum treasures photos of a boy she looked after twice a week and clearly loved/loves very much - putting out food being evidence her caring and commitment.

Is she upset by this? If not, then your problem is halved. If I understand correctly, it is you and your son who get upset at her not making the link of who he was then and who he is now? I can see how this might be distressing for the lad - but perhaps you can explain to him that due to dementia, her ability to make new memories is the part of her brain to be damaged, so anything happening now is not being stored at all by her as memories.

However if he doubts her love for him, he need only look at how precious the memories of the past (of him) are to her. She is clearly devoted to your son, and strange as the behaviour seems, it is quite logical when we know why. Long term memories stick for longer, and once the hippocampus is damaged by dementia plaques, new memories are not stored at all.

Let her treasure those photos. What about giving her a nice new one of your son to learn to treasure also. But don't have expectations, the brain is a funny thing - unpredictable by nature.

All the best, BE

 

[FifiMo]

Hiya Vinvin,

They do say that because the need to nurture is an instinct rather than a skill that needs to be remembered, that often this comes to the fore in some people with dementia. It would seem that this is what is happening with your mum perhaps. I would seriously consider using Doll Therapy with your mum as this can give her something to feel responsible for and to nurture. Maybe by introducing a doll, your son won't be so affected by her current interest in the photographs of him. You can get boy dolls now to buy and maybe some clothing to change the doll and a blanket to keep him warm. We got my mother a doll when she was in her care home and it was brilliant and it was amazing to see how it affected other residents too. It had lots of aunts and uncles who were willing to nurse it or take it for a walk and the staff were commenting on how it had really calmed some of the residents down who had had previous behavioural issues.

The wandering is potentially a more serious issue, but I would start with checking whether your mother is actually walking round town or if it is just a turn of phrase that she is adopting to make you feel bad about not being there. If she is wandering then you might want to consider having a telecare service installed which uses either door alarms or pressure mats to alert them that someone has left the house and they can check whether someone has returned or not and then summons help. Whilst this might be the best way forward in order to protect your mum, there will also be a part for you to play too if you are the named person for them to contact. Are you going to be able to cope with phonecalls at all hours if she is in fact wandering?

As always, just my views based on my experiences,

Hope this helps,

Fiona

 

[vinvin]

Hiya Vinvin,

They do say that because the need to nurture is an instinct rather than a skill that needs to be remembered, that often this comes to the fore in some people with dementia. It would seem that this is what is happening with your mum perhaps. I would seriously consider using Doll Therapy with your mum as this can give her something to feel responsible for and to nurture. Maybe by introducing a doll, your son won't be so affected by her current interest in the photographs of him. You can get boy dolls now to buy and maybe some clothing to change the doll and a blanket to keep him warm. We got my mother a doll when she was in her care home and it was brilliant and it was amazing to see how it affected other residents too. It had lots of aunts and uncles who were willing to nurse it or take it for a walk and the staff were commenting on how it had really calmed some of the residents down who had had previous behavioural issues.

The wandering is potentially a more serious issue, but I would start with checking whether your mother is actually walking round town or if it is just a turn of phrase that she is adopting to make you feel bad about not being there. If she is wandering then you might want to consider having a telecare service installed which uses either door alarms or pressure mats to alert them that someone has left the house and they can check whether someone has returned or not and then summons help. Whilst this might be the best way forward in order to protect your mum, there will also be a part for you to play too if you are the named person for them to contact. Are you going to be able to cope with phonecalls at all hours if she is in fact wandering?

As always, just my views based on my experiences,

Hope this helps,

Fiona

Thanks to everybody for the replys. I will be getting a new school photo soon and will give her one of those, but may also try the doll therapy. Not absolutely sure she is going out may have to invest in a tracking device to be on the safe side.