Good morning. Mom is 82 and we have recently had to move her to a care home. She is phoning 4 or 5 times a day, very distressed, scared and upset. Demanding I go and see her. She is safe and very well looked after. I try to reassure and console but it doesn't help. I constantly feel on edge and worried about the next phone call and I'm worried I'm not handling it the best way but I'm not sure how long I can sustain this. Any advice would be appreciated
Advise please
- Thread starter pinkhawk74
- Start date
Welcome @pinkhawk74
Is your mom isolated in her own room or is she encouraged to sit with others in communal sitting rooms?
This is what I insisted for my husband when he went into residential care.
Being in communal sitting rooms gives access to activities and even if your mom doesn`t want to take part, there is lots of movement which is a distraction and can even be entertaining.
If your mom is in her own room all by herself it`s not surprising she is phoning you for attention.
I would contact the home and ask if they can `lose` the phone . If your mom is using it so many times a day she will never settle.
Is your mom isolated in her own room or is she encouraged to sit with others in communal sitting rooms?
This is what I insisted for my husband when he went into residential care.
Being in communal sitting rooms gives access to activities and even if your mom doesn`t want to take part, there is lots of movement which is a distraction and can even be entertaining.
If your mom is in her own room all by herself it`s not surprising she is phoning you for attention.
I would contact the home and ask if they can `lose` the phone . If your mom is using it so many times a day she will never settle.
Hello @pinkhawk74
It doesnt sound as though these phone calls are doing either of you any good. Your mum cannot be consoled and you are dreading them. In fact, the phone is probably making things worse because constantly calling you is preventing her from bonding with the carers and transferring her dependency from you to them. Can the phone be removed for "repairs"?
It doesnt sound as though these phone calls are doing either of you any good. Your mum cannot be consoled and you are dreading them. In fact, the phone is probably making things worse because constantly calling you is preventing her from bonding with the carers and transferring her dependency from you to them. Can the phone be removed for "repairs"?
I second the advice above from Granny G and canary - ‘lose’ the phone. It seems harsh, but we found that when my Mum did this from hospital, she didn’t remember having made any calls other than the one she was making at that moment. We perceived her calls as escalating cries for help - as a cumulative situation where things must be getting worse for her. But as far as Mum was concerned, each individual call was the only one she’d made that day. She was gobsmacked when her credit ran out after a few days, and insisted there must be a fault with her service. 20-30 calls a day will do that, but she refused to believe that’s how many she’d made, even when we showed her the call logs.
For now, let your Mum’s calls go to voicemail and delete without listening to them. It feels absolutely horrible and cruel, but advice above is good. Your Mum needs to get the hang of the fact that she has to rely on carers in her new home now. It can take a few months. The home will let you know if there’s anything which actually needs your immediate attention.
For now, let your Mum’s calls go to voicemail and delete without listening to them. It feels absolutely horrible and cruel, but advice above is good. Your Mum needs to get the hang of the fact that she has to rely on carers in her new home now. It can take a few months. The home will let you know if there’s anything which actually needs your immediate attention.
I’m not sure how long your mum has been in the care home, but I would say my mum took about 5 weeks to settle in. Whenever I visited she would beg me to let her go home, crying. It was heartbreaking, but it was unsafe for her to go back home after several falls and then leaving the grill on all night. We found her slumped over her bed semi unconscious, However, then she started to thrive with good food, good company and good care, She made friends and things slowly improved. She was there until she passed away 2 years later. I feel that phone needs to be removed for your sake as well as your mums.
My aunt also recently went into a care home but she didn’t settle and became aggressive, rude and violent to the carers and other residents and the care home wanted her gone. My cousins cared for her in turn at her home and eventually booked 24 hour carers to live with my aunt, and that was ok and was well tolerated by my aunt. However this was private and I don’t think this service is provided by Social Services. I do hope your mum settles in soon, 💗
My aunt also recently went into a care home but she didn’t settle and became aggressive, rude and violent to the carers and other residents and the care home wanted her gone. My cousins cared for her in turn at her home and eventually booked 24 hour carers to live with my aunt, and that was ok and was well tolerated by my aunt. However this was private and I don’t think this service is provided by Social Services. I do hope your mum settles in soon, 💗
