"You're just someone who's here all the time"

[Dimpsy]

I really don’t get it, having worn aids since I was 26, take them out, put me in a room of people and all they would get is nods and smiles!!
Unless they are fiddled with they don’t fall out! Maybe mum was fiddling with them cos the battery had run out and she was trying to alter them. All they have to do is ask you how often they need changing week/10 days and change them even if not needed. Saves excess yelling!
I think I would be having very stern words with the powers that be

Hello @Starting on a journey , thank you for your message and, YES, another person to be a Fairy Aid champion; (@Sarasa what have you started ??!!) .

Mum's aids don't fall out; fitted correctly they stay plugged in; they are soft and molded to her inner ear. If she moves her specs the 'over the ear battery compartment' bit may flip and need to be popped back over her ear, but the inner ear section is so well fitting, it stays put.

I've photocopied and laminated the "how to fit this type of hearing aid" and am very willing to help carers understand "how to".

Maybe I'm naïve, but to me, in these days of staff training and development, recognising the impact that helping a client/resident with an impairment, whatever that may be, is imperative. It gives support, comfort and dignity to the client, knowing their needs are understood and pride to the carer in meeting those needs.

 

[Starting on a journey]

You are correct they don’t fall out; my son has those aids and glasses and occasionally repositions them.
I would champion anyone to get their hearing checked and wear aids..it makes such a difference and is cruel to take it away!!
These type of aids have been in use for years so they must have come across them and they are easy to change batteries in.
Good luck with the home…this and the food option I would fight!!!

 

[Sarasa]

I'm amazed that the home haven't come across hearing aids with moulds before, they aren't exactly rare. I'm wondering if your mum is forgetting what they are for, finding them uncomfortable and taking them out. You said she didn't have aids till she was sixty, and one thing I noticed with mum was that her memories of more recent years started to get really hazy. It could be she just can't remember what they are.
Keep plugging away with getting the home to put them in though.

 

[canary]

I was thinking exactly the same thing as @Sarasa
Mum didnt wear hearing aids until she was nearly 70 and once she got dementia she reached the stage where she didnt understand what they were for and I used to see her constantly fiddling with them and taking them out. She also didnt recognise them as hearing aids and she was actually better with the old fashioned behind the ear aids as she could identify them as hearing aids. Mind you, after about a year she used to refuse to wear them - she insisted that she didnt need them because she didnt have any problems with her hearing!

 

[jennifer1967]

my nan had expensive hearing aids and she would take them out, not here the buzzing and leave them on. when she came back to them, the batteries were dead and she said they werent working.

 

[Dimpsy]

Mum's been in the home for a month now and has settled well. Last week OH and I spent nearly three hours with the manager setting up mum's care plan. Mum seems content and I am coming to terms with other people organising her day.
I think you can tell that I was pretty frantic at the beginning trying to carry on caring from a distance and the stress of worrying about her plus missing her company was too much; I felt pretty close to the edge. The carers started to send me photos and videos of what mum was doing and to see her joining in and clearly having fun has been a real comfort and eye opener.
This week she has been making a birthday card, another day she held a guinea pig, dragon lizard, snake and giant tortoise. Her fingernails are a pretty pink and her hair was cut and blown dry nicely. I can see she is being cared for by kind people who organise morning and afternoon activities suitable for elderly people.
Thanks to you all, I've come to terms that it isn't the end of the world if mum's in slippers or someone's forgotten her hearing aids.

Getting used to her not being with us is taking time. I hadn't realised just how much time we spent looking after mum and how her needs were affecting how OH and I lived. We have so much spare time on our hands, can do what we want, go where we want and please ourselves. No quick dash around the shops because we can't leave mum on her own for too long.
It's really nice to become a couple again and not a threesome and I guess this thread has a happy ending.

 

[Sarasa]

So glad to hear that news @Dimpsy . You’ll never cease to be your mum’s carer, you’ll just be doing it with the help of a team.

 

[jennifer1967]

sounds like your mum is enjoying all new experiences, holding a snake etc. the home sounds a good place to be

 

[Grannie G]

It's really nice to become a couple again and not a threesome and I guess this thread has a happy ending.

Wonderful.

 

[Dimpsy]

sounds like your mum is enjoying all new experiences, holding a snake etc. the home sounds a good place to be

Hi @jennifer1967
There aren't many (any?) upsides to dementia, but one is that my mum has forgotten how, in the old days, she would have shuddered at the thought of holding a snake or lizard.

 

[imthedaughter]

@Dimpsy my dad has been vegetarian for much of his life. When I was very small he protested against animal testing and live exports. His vegetarianism is pretty much part of his personality, and a lot of his suspicions about the home were based on them trying to feed him meat (unfortunately this had happened to him while at boarding school, and occasionally as an adult). However he has frequently refused things like veggie sausage rolls which he used to enjoy, and has taken to ordering ham sandwiches sometimes for tea. The staff are very good and do check with him that he knows it's not vegetarian ham, and remind him that he doesn't usually eat meat, but if he really insists, he can have one. I don't really know what to think about it but try to be pragmatic about it. How funny though that it's ham sandwiches for both of them! One thing about being the only man in the home is you tend to not be dressed in other residents' clothes!
I'm glad she seems to have settled better. It does take a while. Enjoy your quality time at home and perhaps you can be more of a daughter again. Take care.

 

[Betenoir71]

OH and I visited the care home this morning. Mum's room is very nice, on the first floor, overlooking the crazy golf, children's playground, tennis courts and the sea beyond, a road to see comings and goings, and the staff seem really nice. Only 15 max residents and it feels like being at home, not institutional in any way. The dining room is nice, the lounge and garden are nice, lots of shade and benches to sit and enjoy outside. The manager said they won't isolate mum beyond a couple of days as she's vaccinated, although we've got to do a flow test tomorrow - mum's seen me doing them for work, so it shouldn't be a problem. There was an outbreak of Covid in March this year, and most of the staff and residents caught it. Because everyone had been double jabbed, there were no serious cases, most people felt as if they'd caught no more than a heavy cold.

And I feel an absolute traitor. Mum's sat beside me now, with cake and tea and not a clue what we're planning for her.
It seems to be going at such a pace. Tomorrow, Monday, we're taking mum there for morning coffee and she's due to move in on Wednesday.
I've got to label her clothes and organise her bits and bobs.
I'm coping by thinking it's just for two weeks, although the home are ready to make it permanent.

I feel very much I'm letting mum down.
I said to OH I'm going to call into one of the local home care agencies to see if there's any way we could use carers for mum's personal care to take the pressure of me. I still don't see how it could work, but if it does, we could keep mum at home with us - after her two week 'holiday'.
Just call me Brutus.

No, I won’t call you Brutus. I am in the exact same situation and feel your pain. We are doing the right thing for the people we love dearly, and ourselves. I wish someone would tell me occasionally, so hope it helps to tell you this is what I believe. Sending you, and the many others like us, much love ??

 

[Dimpsy]

@Dimpsy my dad has been vegetarian for much of his life. When I was very small he protested against animal testing and live exports. His vegetarianism is pretty much part of his personality, and a lot of his suspicions about the home were based on them trying to feed him meat (unfortunately this had happened to him while at boarding school, and occasionally as an adult). However he has frequently refused things like veggie sausage rolls which he used to enjoy, and has taken to ordering ham sandwiches sometimes for tea. The staff are very good and do check with him that he knows it's not vegetarian ham, and remind him that he doesn't usually eat meat, but if he really insists, he can have one. I don't really know what to think about it but try to be pragmatic about it. How funny though that it's ham sandwiches for both of them! One thing about being the only man in the home is you tend to not be dressed in other residents' clothes!
I'm glad she seems to have settled better. It does take a while. Enjoy your quality time at home and perhaps you can be more of a daughter again. Take care.

Hello @imthedaughter, I agree, it's difficult to uphold from a distance a person's life long beliefs and preferences when they have descended so far into the depths of a dementia hell that has robbed them of what they stand for.
Every week, we receive through the post a sheet with (on the plus side) the daily morning and afternoon activity and (negative) a sheet with each day's dinner and tea menu, which, if applied to every resident would mean mum is eating meat/fish at just about every meal.
I happened to be in the home yesterday when the residents were being asked if they wanted roast beef or turkey. Very nice; I asked what mum's choice was - vegetable lasagne, no doubt straight from the freezer.
Being a glass half full person, I believe they are upholding mum's values, some days are better than others, but I haven't signed a contract yet, there's still a little niggle in me.

 

[Susan11]

Hello @Starting on a journey , thank you for your message and, YES, another person to be a Fairy Aid champion; (@Sarasa what have you started ??!!) .

Mum's aids don't fall out; fitted correctly they stay plugged in; they are soft and molded to her inner ear. If she moves her specs the 'over the ear battery compartment' bit may flip and need to be popped back over her ear, but the inner ear section is so well fitting, it stays put.

I've photocopied and laminated the "how to fit this type of hearing aid" and am very willing to help carers understand "how to".

Maybe I'm naïve, but to me, in these days of staff training and development, recognising the impact that helping a client/resident with an impairment, whatever that may be, is imperative. It gives support, comfort and dignity to the client, knowing their needs are understood and pride to the carer in meeting those needs.

Mum was always losing her hearing aids . We got to know the audiologist who had extra moulds made. She kept some and a couple were kept in the office so that they could be replaced promptly when Mum's got lost. Otherwise it could take a month to have new moulds made! When Mum went into hospital the hearing aids were lost between A&E and the ward!

 

[Dimpsy]

No, I won’t call you Brutus. I am in the exact same situation and feel your pain. We are doing the right thing for the people we love dearly, and ourselves. I wish someone would tell me occasionally, so hope it helps to tell you this is what I believe. Sending you, and the many others like us, much love ??

Dear @Betenoir71, isn't this decision making about someone else's life the worst thing ever to have to face up to and thank you for your kind support and am sending mine straight back to you.
Mum is settling into care home life far more easily than I am able to pick up the threads of my life. My mum's mantra through life has always been 'life is for living, so go and have fun', and she would not want me to be so troubled, but unpicking the emotional ties that bind is proving very difficult for me.

Sorry to keep whinging on folks.
I was frantic with worry to start with, and that horrible pain that's in your stomach from the moment you wake and won't go away, but after five weeks without mum under our roof, I've realised, it doesn't matter how many people tell you you've 'done the right thing' or 'she's in the best place', and all the other platitudes, although sincere and kindly meant, it's just me, myself and I that can come to that conclusion and only when I've forgiven myself for putting mum into care, and come to terms with the reason's why we did what we did, will I be able to find peace.

Here's a shameful secret to admit, there are day's when I put of visiting because I can't look mum in the eye which of course piles the guilt up even higher. This is not how I want to be.

With that in mind, I've decided to be positive, take a break for a week or so from the home and mum, to really try and pull myself together and put my thoughts in order. The CH know and daughter's will be visiting their grandma, so she's not abandoned.

Someone on this forum said you have to dig deep, boy were they right; well I'll be underground mining for a few days to work through my feelings, but I hope when I come up for air, I'll have reasoned and accepted that it's in mum's best interests, and OH's and mine too.

 

[Dimpsy]

The extra mould's are a good idea @Susan11, our area have been pretty good at sending out new mould's when mum's have torn in the past.

The CH are playing their part and mum hasn't been without her aids for the last few visits I'm pleased to report. The laminated pictures of 'how to fit' are on her wall for staff to see. It seems obvious that there would be a changing batteries day, I asked, there isn't, but that's ok, because I'll just change them myself.

 

[Susan11]

The extra mould's are a good idea @Susan11, our area have been pretty good at sending out new mould's when mum's have torn in the past.

The CH are playing their part and mum hasn't been without her aids for the last few visits I'm pleased to report. The laminated pictures of 'how to fit' are on her wall for staff to see. It seems obvious that there would be a changing batteries day, I asked, there isn't, but that's ok, because I'll just change them myself.

In Mum's CH they put 'change hearing aid batteries' on her medication schedule to be changed every Monday morning.

 

[imthedaughter]

Hello @imthedaughter, I agree, it's difficult to uphold from a distance a person's life long beliefs and preferences when they have descended so far into the depths of a dementia hell that has robbed them of what they stand for.
Every week, we receive through the post a sheet with (on the plus side) the daily morning and afternoon activity and (negative) a sheet with each day's dinner and tea menu, which, if applied to every resident would mean mum is eating meat/fish at just about every meal.
I happened to be in the home yesterday when the residents were being asked if they wanted roast beef or turkey. Very nice; I asked what mum's choice was - vegetable lasagne, no doubt straight from the freezer.
Being a glass half full person, I believe they are upholding mum's values, some days are better than others, but I haven't signed a contract yet, there's still a little niggle in me.

We don't get those sheets and I don't know if I'd want them? I arranged dad's meals on wheels when he got banned from the tea room at the assisted living place and I enjoyed doing that as I could pick out what he had and he really liked those meals, and he trusted them because he knew I sent them. Once in the home he started being quite suspicious of any soup (and it's soup most meals as a starter/side) because he thought they were 'padding it out with meat stock and whatever is left over, I can taste it' but the CH kitchen is tiny! It's smaller than a lot of bathrooms, there's no stock pot and the soup is heinz vegetable from a tin! There's a lot of convenience food and nothing is really fresh from scratch like I would make at home. But dad wouldn't have cooked from scratch anyway and a lot of people do live out of tins and ready meals, so I suppose I can't really complain. Hope your week off helps to clear the mind, you're right, you are the only one who can forgive yourself. That is much easier said than done in my experience, even when you know it was the right thing.

 

[Dimpsy]

We don't get those sheets and I don't know if I'd want them? I arranged dad's meals on wheels when he got banned from the tea room at the assisted living place and I enjoyed doing that as I could pick out what he had and he really liked those meals, and he trusted them because he knew I sent them. Once in the home he started being quite suspicious of any soup (and it's soup most meals as a starter/side) because he thought they were 'padding it out with meat stock and whatever is left over, I can taste it' but the CH kitchen is tiny! It's smaller than a lot of bathrooms, there's no stock pot and the soup is heinz vegetable from a tin! There's a lot of convenience food and nothing is really fresh from scratch like I would make at home. But dad wouldn't have cooked from scratch anyway and a lot of people do live out of tins and ready meals, so I suppose I can't really complain. Hope your week off helps to clear the mind, you're right, you are the only one who can forgive yourself. That is much easier said than done in my experience, even when you know it was the right thing.

I circled the meal's that effectively were the only one's that should be served to mum, in fact, today, her only option would have been breakfast, unsuitable lunch and carrot and coriander soup for tea!
The cook and manager were open mouthed and then you could see the penny drop.
They showed me on screen, the weeks menu for the fifteen resident's, some tailored to individual dietary requirements, and there plain for all to see was mum's veggie diet plan (it's lovely).
Lost in translation between kitchen and office was us being sent the vegetarian menu, which will be corrected this week.
Another tick in the box.

 

[imthedaughter]

I circled the meal's that effectively were the only one's that should be served to mum, in fact, today, her only option would have been breakfast, unsuitable lunch and carrot and coriander soup for tea!
The cook and manager were open mouthed and then you could see the penny drop.
They showed me on screen, the weeks menu for the fifteen resident's, some tailored to individual dietary requirements, and there plain for all to see was mum's veggie diet plan (it's lovely).
Lost in translation between kitchen and office was us being sent the vegetarian menu, which will be corrected this week.
Another tick in the box.

That is a relief! It's one thing to have a vegetarian loved one but what if they had medical needs and the generic sheet was sent? You'd be so worried.