You are a Carer because you care. But don't let it continue to the point where your own health suffers. Many Carers feel guilty if they have to get help, or even move their loved one into a care home. I cared for my husband and was determined to continue. But when he lost mobility and even with Carers arranged I couldn't lift him if I was on my own, nor were they allowed to. Way back, we both agreed a care home was to be avoided, but actually he is happier, safer, and isn't aware that he's in the home. Try to be detached and practical when these stages are reached. I will always miss him at home, but I only realised how difficult it had been when he had moved to the home.
Your tips: what would you say to someone who's struggling to be the 'perfect carer'?
- Thread starter HarrietD
- Start date
All you need is patience and love. When the person you care so much about is cruel or unkind just remember that it is not them talking it’s Mr Dementia the altered brain. You know in your heart the person would never say things that would hurt you so much. So put the smile on your face humour them and find a distraction. Just be kind.
There is no such thing as the perfrct carer as each day is different .
We found that asking what do you want for lunch is difficult to comprehend.
Better " We are having a nice boied egg today with toast" That way they don't feel obliged to try to make a conversation, which is sometimes difficult for them.
We found that asking what do you want for lunch is difficult to comprehend.
Better " We are having a nice boied egg today with toast" That way they don't feel obliged to try to make a conversation, which is sometimes difficult for them.
I agree that there is no such thing as a 'perfect carer'.
I have cared for my wife of 57 years for the last 10 or so, firstly with heart problems, pacemaker, then diagnosed with vascular dementia, then major surgery which resulted in a stoma and recently diagnosed with arthritis in both hips and lower spine.
Fortunately both the heart problems and stoma are stable as far as they can be, but the arthritis is seriously impinging on mobility which has put an added burden on my day.
So how do I cope with all of this, I moan to any and every body, surprisingly it helps.
My stock answer to the question " how are you" is 'well I woke up this morning, so that's a plus, but it may and will go down hill from there'.
There are the other 'little' problems that have arisen during the pandemic, PPE. I need gloves when changing the stoma pouch and from day one they were rarer than hens teeth, to the extent that some I tried to order from my normal supplier, back in April 2020, and told it would be November before delivery. So I moaned and scrounged a lot and finally someone in the local council took note, not just from me I hasten to add, who now supply PPE to unpaid carers, and will continue to do so until March next year, which is a godsend and one less problem to worry about.
I cannot wait for 'proper' respite care to become available again, we were offered 'isolated' care, remain in room, no mixing or outside exercise, which would have been disastrous for her .
So rant over, there is not such person as a perfect carer, its a myth.
So carers just grit their teeth, force a smile and carry on, waiting for that golden moment when they can escape for an hour or so and do something for themselves without feeling guilty.
I have cared for my wife of 57 years for the last 10 or so, firstly with heart problems, pacemaker, then diagnosed with vascular dementia, then major surgery which resulted in a stoma and recently diagnosed with arthritis in both hips and lower spine.
Fortunately both the heart problems and stoma are stable as far as they can be, but the arthritis is seriously impinging on mobility which has put an added burden on my day.
So how do I cope with all of this, I moan to any and every body, surprisingly it helps.
My stock answer to the question " how are you" is 'well I woke up this morning, so that's a plus, but it may and will go down hill from there'.
There are the other 'little' problems that have arisen during the pandemic, PPE. I need gloves when changing the stoma pouch and from day one they were rarer than hens teeth, to the extent that some I tried to order from my normal supplier, back in April 2020, and told it would be November before delivery. So I moaned and scrounged a lot and finally someone in the local council took note, not just from me I hasten to add, who now supply PPE to unpaid carers, and will continue to do so until March next year, which is a godsend and one less problem to worry about.
I cannot wait for 'proper' respite care to become available again, we were offered 'isolated' care, remain in room, no mixing or outside exercise, which would have been disastrous for her .
So rant over, there is not such person as a perfect carer, its a myth.
So carers just grit their teeth, force a smile and carry on, waiting for that golden moment when they can escape for an hour or so and do something for themselves without feeling guilty.
EllieS I'm further down the line than you ( 7 years). I am 87 and carer for my husband 93, and we've been together for nearly 70 years. I have found a lot of support and good advice on Talking Point though every case is different. I sift out the advice which can make things easier for me.
You sound like you are doing a very good job but as you say things will get harder as time goes on. Try not to panic - easier said than done, I know.
I found it important to give lots of reassurance especially in the early stages when he was worried about his memory. If he couldn't remember something I would just say that I also forget things and not to worry it's not important and our brains get older like everything else. I may be wrong but I think it causes more stress talking about old times when they struggle to recall.
My husband is at a different stage now where I just live in his reality and agree with whatever he says. I do things for him that I never dreamt I would be doing but I always try to keep in mind that he's a poor soul he is and deserves the best I can give him. Some days I cry and struggle with my feelings but I try to pick myself and give myself a pat on the back and know how lucky he is to have married me. My best wishes to you
You sound like you are doing a very good job but as you say things will get harder as time goes on. Try not to panic - easier said than done, I know.
I found it important to give lots of reassurance especially in the early stages when he was worried about his memory. If he couldn't remember something I would just say that I also forget things and not to worry it's not important and our brains get older like everything else. I may be wrong but I think it causes more stress talking about old times when they struggle to recall.
My husband is at a different stage now where I just live in his reality and agree with whatever he says. I do things for him that I never dreamt I would be doing but I always try to keep in mind that he's a poor soul he is and deserves the best I can give him. Some days I cry and struggle with my feelings but I try to pick myself and give myself a pat on the back and know how lucky he is to have married me. My best wishes to you
Spent today thinking about this one. Obviously there can never be the perfect carer, nothing life is perfect. Here are some of my thoughts that I wish I had known 4 years ago.
Step back, don't get pulled into their world and delusions.
Be realistic. You can't solve their issues or delusions. You can just do what you can.
Feel free to say no. They maybe ill, but you are still entitled to do things your way. Stay firm, they won't like it, but it's for their benefit in the end
Accept you will get sworn at, shouted at, and emotionally blackmailed. As dementia grows so can the emotional manipulation.
Put yourself first so you can stay resiliant, and not resentful.
Deal with the here and now, because the tomorrows will not be what you expect so why worry.
If you need to do something do it now, tomorrow the **** might hit the fan and I mean that quite literally.
And the hardest one of all, ditch the guilt. You don't need it, it does no good and whatever you decide to do it will still be there. So wave it goodbye.
Step back, don't get pulled into their world and delusions.
Be realistic. You can't solve their issues or delusions. You can just do what you can.
Feel free to say no. They maybe ill, but you are still entitled to do things your way. Stay firm, they won't like it, but it's for their benefit in the end
Accept you will get sworn at, shouted at, and emotionally blackmailed. As dementia grows so can the emotional manipulation.
Put yourself first so you can stay resiliant, and not resentful.
Deal with the here and now, because the tomorrows will not be what you expect so why worry.
If you need to do something do it now, tomorrow the **** might hit the fan and I mean that quite literally.
And the hardest one of all, ditch the guilt. You don't need it, it does no good and whatever you decide to do it will still be there. So wave it goodbye.
