Your tips: how to help someone with dementia enjoy Christmas

[HarrietD]

While Christmas can bring joy and good memories, when you’re caring for someone with dementia it can also bring lots of challenges, and may feel overwhelming. Do you have any tips on how to help someone to enjoy Christmas or other festivities?

We're including more real life experiences of dementia in our Living with Dementia magazine, and we'd love to hear from you.

Please add your comments below, and they may be featured in the next issue of the magazine.

This thread will be closed on Monday 6 November.

Thanks everyone

 

[DeMartin]

Mum’s first Christmas in CH, probably will be better than the last one, as OH and mum are petrol/match we didn’t do holidays together. Also, we don’t do Christmas stuff. Looking back, I realise that she was incapable of cooking a celebratory meal, refused to go out to other people. So, for the first time in years she’ll have a traditional meal, crackers and company. OH &me will probably have curry!

 

[Jo Sutton]

I'm dreading Christmas as Mum refuses to believe her parents are dead and gets very upset when she doesn't see them or even get a present or card from them on her birthday and at Christmas.

Her friends have drifted away, probably because she is tiring to spend more than an hour with and there is no quality time there any more, not for them at least. So we now spend Christmas on our own - Mum, my husband and I. It's pretty dismal.

She loves the idea of Christmas, so we do a big tree and decorations, but don't make too much of an effort on the day, as Mum consistently forgets it's Christmas day and can no longer tell the difference between my husband's gourmet cooking and a ready meal

In a way, it's more upsetting for me, listening to everyone else discussing their various party plans and knowing that for us it will just be a day like every other. I really miss the Christmases full of people and laughter.

Hugs

Jo xx

 

[Kevinl]

I think once AZ get's past a certain stage you're bettor of ignoring Christmas completely and staying with the normal routine.
K

 

[Risa]

I agree with Kevin. A few years ago Mum started to get agitated by the sight of cards put out and when the tree was put up, it had to come down a few hours later. After that, we stopped acknowledging Christmas as it wasn't fair to let Mum get stressed. It is rotten though as it's another thing this disease has taken - we don't celebrate anything now just to keep life normal for Mum

 

[nae sporran]

I hated the last two Christmases as OH son messed us around with plans which fell through when he had a better offer or just forgot.
She does love presents, so as long as her daughter can be prepared to allow her to open them at home rather than at our traditional Chinese meal on Christmas eve then it should be a good time. I'll make German style potato pancakes for a feeling of home, but it could be good or it could make her miss her mum. You just don't know, so will take it as it comes and hope the weather is at least dry and bright so I can escape for an hour or so while she sleeps off the overindulgence of the night before.

 

[marionq]

I hated the last two Christmases as OH son messed us around with plans which fell through when he had a better offer or just forgot.
She does love presents, so as long as her daughter can be prepared to allow her to open them at home rather than at our traditional Chinese meal on Christmas eve then it should be a good time. I'll make German style potato pancakes for a feeling of home, but it could be good or it could make her miss her mum. You just don't know, so will take it as it comes and hope the weather is at least dry and bright so I can escape for an hour or so while she sleeps off the overindulgence of the night before.

Special days mean nothing at all to my husband now. He forgets even the most dramatic incidents instantly. This includes an afternoon at the Pantomime with his daycentre where they tell me he was dancing in the aisles! As he got off the minibus he had no idea where he'd been.

So I now try to think what I would like and what would work with the least likelihood of upset for him. My daughter will make family dinner and there will be 8 of us. We will take a taxi home and leave them to it. John will be in bed by seven or eight and I will read a book - as usual. Fortunately in our past life together we had a lot of good times

 

[Grannie G]

So I now try to think what I would like and what would work with the least likelihood of upset for him. My daughter will make family dinner and there will be 8 of us. We will take a taxi home and leave them to it

This is what we did too. There was no point prolonging the agony. My husband could only manage dinner and home.

 

[LynneMcV]

Over the past five years we have had my brother around for Christmas. It has gone well but I have found that, with each year that passes, my husband has become increasingly overwhelmed by chatter and laughter over the course of the day, even with our best efforts to keep things low-key.

This year my brother has a new partner and she has a teenaged son. I told my brother back in the summer that I really didn't think it would be wise for them to spend Christmas day with us. I really don't want to spend the day 'shushing' people to keep the noise down as it would feel so rude and it would make them feel unwelcome - and my husband would have been increasingly confused about my brother's new partner and her son as he still remembers my brother's ex-wife. I can't see how anybody would enjoy the day.

Going to their place was not practical either as they have no grab rails and my husband would struggle if he needed the loo. It would also spoil things for everyone if he became overwhelmed and we had to leave abruptly.

Fortunately, they have all been very understanding of the situation and challenges.

Instead, I am going to have a quiet Christmas dinner at home with my husband, son and daughter - and my brother will do the same with his family. I will put on a buffet in the evening so they, and any friends, are free to pop in if they wish and my husband can go to bed whenever he wants.

I take care of the presents from both of us and our son or daughter helps him wrap up a present for me. This works well and takes any pressure off him.

 

[Witzend]

From experience with two relatives at various stages:

Keep it quiet and simple, not too many people, noise or fuss.
If at all possible, keep the person in their familiar surroundings, and stick as far as possible to their routine, usual timings of meals, etc.
Try not to be disappointed if they show little or no interest in decorations, cards, presents, etc. Ditto if despite all the evidence around them (Christmas tree, turkey and crackers on the table, etc.) they don't even seem aware that it's Christmas. Even before she was bad enough to need 24/7 care, this was the case with my mother.

Try not to assume that because they always enjoyed this or that pre dementia, they will still enjoy it.

If the person is in a care home, and you are advised not to take them out for a day or longer over Christmas, because it will unsettle them, do think carefully about it. We ignored this advice with my FiL, his first year in the care home, and had to learn the hard way that once dementia is in the mix, things a person had always enjoyed pre dementia, may now just be too much for them to cope with.

 

[Juliasdementiablog]

For Christmas 2015, three months after mum had moved into a care home following a diagnosis of vascular dementia and a series mini strokes, we stuck with our original plan to take mum to a cottage for the Christmas break. She was a bit wobbly on her feet so we followed her up and down the stairs, to make sure she was safe. She kept asking if we owned the house, so she was clearly a bit confused as to why we were there and at night time wanted me to sleep in the same room as her, which I did. Nevertheless, overall we had a lovely Christmas. Problem came when we told her we were going back to the care home which she had no memory of. She went into melt down demanding to see her husband, my dad, who had passed away a few years earlier. Now I realize it was a mistake to tell her about the care home. When we arrived she recognised residents and staff and was quite happy to be back.

Last year, my husband and I took her out for Christmas lunch, which wasn't great. She was tired and after the starter thought we had finished, and was ready to go. As I am living in her house, in order to be near hear, we didn't think it would be sensible to bring her here.

This year, my husband and I have booked another cottage, so we can have mum over in the daytime, so it will be more homely and relaxing if she wants a nap, doesn't want to eat much etc.I'm looking forward to it.

 

[DMac]

This is a difficult question to answer, probably with as many 'right' answers - and 3 or 4 times as many 'wrong' answers - as there are people with dementia.

From experience, I would say take a long look at the person with dementia, and try to make a frank assessment of their ability to enjoy Christmas celebrations, based on their CURRENT abilities and needs. Then make plans accordingly, AND have a plan B. For example, if (like my mother-in-law) the person is in a care home and you plan to bring them to your home, be prepared to take them back to the care home at a moment's notice should the need arise. That means someone needs to be willing to forego the drink so that they can drive! And don't forget their medication, spare clothes, underwear, incontinence supplies etc. when you do take them out.

I would also say, try not to be driven by the 'guilt monster' when making plans for Christmas. Depending on how advanced their illness is, a person with dementia may not even recognise the significance of Christmas any more, and may not even appreciate your efforts. They may even find all the fuss and noise rather confusing and disorientating. If other well-meaning - but uninformed or inexperienced - family members are applying pressure, I suggest giving them some caring responsibilities for the day. For example, if they insist on putting on a big Christmas dinner for Grandma, tell them that's OK, but only as long as they take responsibility for picking Grandma up and driving her back to the care home at the end of the day.

That's not to say a person with dementia can't enjoy Christmas with their family, but it's unlikely to be just like old times. Times HAVE changed, and it's only wise to recognise this and make plans accordingly.

 

[Bunpoots]

I have an awful memory of Christmas 2008 when my mum, late stages of dementia was in hospital. Our local hospital is only five minutes drive away and Christmas was at mine, my responsibility. Dad was determined mum wasn't going to be left alone so organised a rota. Mum did not appreciate it, she turned her back on me when I arrived and told me to leave her alone..

I just sat there and waited for the next one on the rota to arrive. It ruined my Christmas, I had to leave my kids to entertain the rest of the family, they were upset, it was pointless and I'm still not over it....

Dad never really understood mum's dementia.

Now I've got to organise a family Christmas again this year - and I'm dreading it

 

[jugglingmum]

My mum isn't that advanced in total, but I have scaled things down, I pick her up and take her back to her sheltered extra care flat. I kept her with us for too long the first year,and so take her back straight after dinner now. This also has the advantage that I can drink. OH has suggested a taxi to take her back so I can drink and on good days this would work but I can't predict how she'll be. I bought a Tom and Jerry dvd to put on the TV so that she could sit and watch it and my son would do the same. Last year son (age 11) wanted to be part of the cooking team(he is a good cook), so she was left on her own to watch the dvd which was fine.

As we are still following the same formula as when the kids were little things have seemed ok so far

 

[billybw60]

Christmas will be quiet with myself, son and grandson, 6. Mum is in a care home and it will her first Christmas spent there as the year before, she was in hospital. I keep wondering about bringing her home for Christmas lunch but the last time we brought her home, she was wanting to go back "home" after an hour and that was over a year ago so I wonder if it is worth trying to bring her back here at all or whether we should just go and spend some time with her in the home on Christmas morning.

 

[elvismad]

Mum moved into assisted living with care at the start of September this year. She is starting to settle and, although it seems really quiet to me she seems to be benefiting from the slow pace - she is 84. She no longer enjoys theatre - she used to love musicals but no complains its 'too loud'. We had to leave at the interval last time as mum was clearly not enjoying it. I am also wondering what to do at Christmas. Its just my husband and me, and she has always spent Christmas with us. I don't want her to feel we have abandoned her and I don't want her overwhelmed. We were thinking of collecting her for lunch and taking her home after. I think I will speak with the care staff at the assisted living scheme to see what they think and what, if any , things would be going on in the scheme.

 

[starryuk]

As others have said, I think you need to assess what your relative is still able to enjoy.

Unfortunately, it is a case of tailoring things round their needs rather than for the family's benefit of being together for Christmas as 'usual'.

Year 1 in Mum's care home, we brought her out to the family get together where she was able to eat with us and sit quietly enjoying watching the little ones afterwards. We took her home about 4pm.

Year 2, things had changed considerably and Mum showed no interest in anyone really, nor recognised us. So we visited her on Christmas Morning with presents, which she ignored, and left when they went in for lunch. The only benefit of that visit was for us not her! Sadly, she didn't have a clue what was going on. But we were able to enjoy the rest of our Christmas Day (well, it was sad for us that she wasn't there, but the best for her) in peace.

Of course, with mum being in a CH, things were much easier for us. Christmas is stressful enough without adding dementia into the mix and I think I would have given up and ignored it all if Mum had been living with me. Wishing everyone the best with your plans.

 

[HarrietD]

Thanks everyone for helpfully sharing your experiences so far

Just a reminder that this thread will close on Monday, so if anyone wants to add anything before then, please go ahead.

 

[Linbrusco]

This Christmas will be even more difficult.
Last year Mum had been in her Care Home 5 mnths and we picked her up and took her to my sisters house for Christmas lunch. She only lived 20 mns away.
Mum enjoyed herself at first, puzzled by gifts, overwhelmed by people & chatter, ate little and then fell of her chair. Didnt hurt herself but got a fright. Was OK going back to her care home.

This Christmas my sister is in the middle of building a new house which wont be finished by Christmas and bringing her to my house is out of the question. Mum & Dad lived next to us , so possibility of stirring up memories.
In any case Mum is much more advanced dementia wise, toileting is both an issue & obsession, and I know taking her back would create chaos.
I really dont know what we are going to do yet but appreciate this post.

 

[NorthBankDave]

I used to love Christmas but now it's a time of year I dread really. It seems to set up expectations that can't be fulfilled.

Last year Mum stayed up late on Christmas Eve waiting for her husband to come home (he died in 1982) & I spent the early hours of Christmas morning trying to convince her that I was her son & not an intruder!

She wanted to be involved with preparing the Christmas meal & was able to cook a turkey crown in 2015 but last year she struggled & wanted to ring my Nan (who died in 1994) for advice, so I ended up doing it all. She also kept asking if 'David' was coming round (i.e. me).

To be honest I'm still winging it and adapting as circumstances change but last year I tried to keep it simple, make sure Mum felt safe and made sure that there was lots of comforting/nostalgic/light hearted television that she would enjoy. I have no expectations of relaxing or enjoying Christmas myself and I just try to take it like another day.