Your tips: helping to prepare someone to move into a care home

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Lucy Young

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Feb 16, 2021
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My mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's just over two years ago and has deteriorated tremendously in the last nine months. Three years ago when she was still driving (she is now 94) she agreed to go for a trial couple of nights at a very nice country house care home close to me. She lasted less than a day and she checked herself out and drove back to her flat, saying that they were all gaga and she was not ready for that yet!

Back in August last year I took her to have a look at a very nice new care home which has a separate dementia unit for when the time comes that she needs to be in a secure place. I was due to have a hip replacement and suggested that she might like to spend a couple of weeks there while I was unable to drive etc - the place is like a luxury hotel, not cheap but just the sort of place that Mum likes. She flatly refused to go, saying that she did not want to move from her flat and she would not even go for a short "holiday".

Fast forward to six weeks ago, Mum had a fall in her flat and hit her head, as a result of which she had to come to stay with me for a week and had two further falls, the last one necessitated a trip to A & E where she was seen by the frailty team who felt that she needed to be in a care home for respite for a couple of weeks. She was discharged to the same new care home for a two week respite, which was extended for a further two weeks and has now been extended for a further month with her agreement. My feeling is that she probably will not return to her flat but we are taking things a week at a time and hoping that she will agree to stay permanently as at the moment she has capacity to decide where she wants to live. She says that she is very happy there and is being well looked after, her room is lovely, the bed is very comfortable and the staff are lovely. She says that she feels safe there and the interesting thing is that since the first week she has not mentioned going back to her flat. Her short term memory has deteriorated to the point that she cannot remember things that happened yesterday, today or even an hour ago and frequently has no idea who she has just been talking to on the phone. We are hoping that she will forget about "home" and will agree to make the move permanent so fingers crossed! The worst thing is not being able to see her as when she was in her flat I visited several times a week but as she seems quite happy at the moment I do not feel guilty - I know she is in the best place for her even though she was so resistant to the idea - her safety and wellbeing is paramount.
Hi Judy, I am at the point with my mum where I want her (for her own good) to live in sheltered accommodation. How did you have this conversation with your mum? I'm dreading talking to her about it because she can be volatile and the conversation could go either way! I'm so pleased your mum has settled now :)
 

JudyS

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Feb 6, 2021
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Hi Judy, I am at the point with my mum where I want her (for her own good) to live in sheltered accommodation. How did you have this conversation with your mum? I'm dreading talking to her about it because she can be volatile and the conversation could go either way! I'm so pleased your mum has settled now :)
Before she had the last fall we had already arranged for her to go for respite care. Basically I said that she needed to be somewhere that she was safe and the fact that she had another fall and didn't know what had happened allowed me to persuade her that she needed more care than I could provide for her. I did say that if she did not go there willingly for a short stay then we would have to get Social Services involved and she might end up somewhere that she hated, She loves it where she is and actually told my daughter a couple of days ago that she didn't think she would be going back to her flat as she was so well looked after and couldn't be in a better place. She is now starting to join in with some of the activities and enjoys the company of the carers and the other residents - she was on her own most of the time in her flat and had no interest in doing anything other than sitting in her chair looking out of the window. She still does this some of the time now but at least there are other things to do as well and she does not have to make much effort as everything is done for her - even making her bed!! (her words).

To be honest , if she had not had the falls I think she would still be in her flat and not coping, although she can talk the talk very well. It was really only when she stayed with me for a week that I realised just how confused and vulnerable she was - she would never have admitted that she was struggling and needed help.

I have just arranged to go and visit her next week when outside visiting is allowed - a half hour visit once a week outside until the home gets the visiting pod set up.
 

HarrietD

Staff Member
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Apr 29, 2014
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I'll close this thread now, but a a huge thank you to everyone who contributed and took the time to share their experiences. I know that the magazine team will really appreciate it :)
 
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