In the early stages of my partners dementia he was open to talking about the need at some point to move to residential care, so in the early days I involved him in decisions so I knew that when the time came he wanted to be located close to his children. By the time that happened his capacity to make decisions was rather more foggy but he had some lucidity about what was happening still.
I was able with the help of family set up his room beforehand while his family looked after him . Then on the night before at the request of his children I explained to him what was happening the next day. He expressed surprise but not objection. I found it, and still do deeply traumatic. That night I laid next to him in bed for the last time being careful to remember the feel of his body next to mine.
On the day, I waited for him inside the room whilst his family brought him in to me so I was there ready to greet him.
I would say it took a couple of weeks for him to settle but the carers soon won his trust. We made sure some one visited him every day . Despite him being 120 miles away I visited every week staying over one or two nights with the family. His children were able to enjoy quality time with him .
Of course the pandemic has changed all that.
19 months on his LBD has progressed and has need to transfer to a new carer home that can better meet his needs, but with easy access to a garden , a higher staffing ratio day and night I am optimistic that his wellbeing and quality of life will improve.
I managed his move in the following way which you can see in another of my threads.
On the day I arranged for a small amount of personal effects and clothing to be ready in reception to put in the car without him seeing, then they brought him to me , fortunately he recognised me. I told him we were going out for a cup tea . We went to the new place and I said , 'lets go in here for cup tea ' which we did in his new bedroom. I showed him the view of the lovely garden through the window and he said 'he'd forgotten about that@ . He's not seen grass and trees for months. As all was calm , I then explained to him that this was his new home and that the children had decided it was time he had an upgrade. He did not bat an eyelid . I cared for his needs all day while the new carers popped in to say hello. I put him to bed in the evening and said good night see you tomorrow.
Apparently he slept well , accepted his care the next morning , ate all his breakfast and lunch the next day , something he had been struggling to do in the previous home.
The next afternoon I returned with all his clothing and personal items and while he was asleep unpacked.
When he woke up I spent some time with him in his room , played some music and read to him.
I reminded acknowledged that he had been having a miserable time but this was his new place now, he didn't have to go back to the old place and that things could only get better. He has an enormous language difficulty but I had the sense that he concurred with what I was saying.
I said goodbye to him as he was about to have his tea and said I would see him as soon as he could but his children would see him soon. He seemed to accept this.
The care home have shown great compassion in allowing me this time and his children to have 2 visits per week for the next 2 weeks .
Since then I have heard that he is sleeping well and settling well .
