Your advice please....

Dar Griff

Registered User
Dec 5, 2006
15
48
Caerphilly
Evening all.

I'm a new postie to all this too. Although my dad's been officially diagnosed for 3 1/2 years now, it's still all very new & scarey. Reading through all the posts on this thread hurts like stink. I can see so much of my parent's circumstances in everyone's experiances.

It's also a real comfort to learn from others & be able to share, so a big thank you for the raw honesty of everyone.

x
 

abby

Registered User
Dec 19, 2006
182
West Country
:( opps sorry Dar griff......this has been such a release for me I have been going on and on and on and the lovely people on here have been listening. But if I am guilty of going into to much detail causing upset to others I apologise ? Feels so comfy here I forget it's an open forum....:rolleyes:
 

Dar Griff

Registered User
Dec 5, 2006
15
48
Caerphilly
Hindsight is such a wonderful thing. EVERYTHING seems so glaringly obvious after the event.

We all attempt to do the best for our family members at the time. We live with their deterioration on a minutely, hourly, daily, weekly basis that isn't glaringly obvious as we live it.

The little things that pass us by, always jump out & bite us on the back-side months down the road as obvious.

All the best intent & will in the world will not have changed a thing. Medication at an earlier time? Enforcement & regularity of routine?

Lets not kid ourselves. A little extension against the inevitable is all we could expect. Regrets & guilt will simply make you bitter & angry.

Or is that just me?!?!??!?! :confused: :( :mad:
 

Dar Griff

Registered User
Dec 5, 2006
15
48
Caerphilly
Please no apologies for being honest.

If you can't share with people who know & understand then where & when can you!!!!

Carry on!!!!!!!
 

abby

Registered User
Dec 19, 2006
182
West Country
It's late...1am.....But I can't settle.....

I feel somewhat disturbed / guilty that I have let Dad down by sharing / talking about his life to strangers ( please don't be offended anyone, it's not personal ). By divulging the personal and private events of Dad's life am I breaking our ' daughter / Dad relationship......... our bond....I know, if he knew this he would be so dissapointed in me? He is such a proud, private man..........god this is torture....
Sorry :(
 
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jenniferpa

Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
39,448
That of course is the beauty of a site such as this: it's personal yet impersonal. I understand where you're coming from, and I think a lot of us have struggled with double edged sword: honesty on one side, discretion on the other. It's one of those things that you either come to terms with, or you don't. Personally, I feel that by sharing most of the things I do, I can maybe help someone else in a similar situation. Some things I do keep private (there, that'll surprise many people who have read my posts!). However, I do think there's an advantage in sharing that may not always be recognised - the more people talk about what has happened to their family members, the more likely it will be that somewhere down the line, there's more knowledge out there about these dreadful illnesses.

The other thing to remember is: once you've dealt with all the bureaucracy, and told your family's life story to all and sundry in order to get help, sharing some details on here seems pretty minor. Ultimately, though, it has to be an individual decision (obviously)

Jennifer
 

Nell

Registered User
Aug 9, 2005
1,170
68
Australia
abby said:
It's late...1am.....But I can't settle.....

I feel somewhat disturbed / guilty that I have let Dad down by sharing / talking about his life to strangers ( please don't be offended anyone, it's not personal ). By divulging the personal and private events of Dad's life am I breaking our ' daughter / Dad relationship......... our bond....I know, if he knew this he would be so dissapointed in me? He is such a proud, private man..........god this is torture....
Sorry :(
Oh Abby, I know exactly what you mean! My dear proud parents would be mortified if they knew I shared details about them on this site. They would be equally perturbed if they knew I discuss them sometimes with my doctor (she is concerned about how my caring role impacts on some health issues I have). I feel terrible about it too - but I DO know that TP has been good for them in a round about way.

By having acces to a site that educates and supports I feel I am better able to offer them the care and support they need. Now my Mum is on her own (Dad died recently) I feel it is even more valuable. One important point to remember is that, altho' we know your story and your Dad's story, we ARE in cyberspace! That is no one knows who you are or who your Dad is - so confidentiality is maintained.

I think we can justifiably continue to use TP without being concerned that we've breached our parents' privacy - but I guess we'll still feel guilty! I also feel guilty when I let Mum say something completely wrong without telling her the truth - or even collude with her 'fantasy' world. It seems so disrespectful when they taught me to always be honest and truthful! But it is (yet another) heartbreaking aspect of this awful disease. :(

Take care - and please continue to post.
Nell
 

Helena

Registered User
May 24, 2006
715
Abby

Like it or not you must stop your father having money or anything at all that he can pay con men at the door

Whether its true in your Fathers case or not is another matter but for me and my sister ALL blame lies firmly at the door of the doctors who 4 yrs ago swore black was white was purple that my Mothers collapse was not a mini stroke ........clearly one needs to trust the opinion of Paramedics because IMHE many doctors despite their so called years of training know ZERO and are arrogant s***s

If I can save another family going thru what my Mother and us endured in those last 5 weeks by giving the Doctor concerned hell I will
 

Kayla

Registered User
May 14, 2006
621
Kent
Abby's story about the raw gammon reminded me of something that happened with my Mum. I had bought her some freshly cut ham from the supermarket and then later received an urgent telephone call at teatime.
"That ham you bought me is full of maggots!" she said.
When I investigated, the "maggots" turned out to be the peppers, as it was peppered ham. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry!
Kayla
 

Amy

Registered User
Jan 4, 2006
3,453
Hiya Abby and Dar Griff,
Reading through all the posts on this thread hurts like stink.
I think when we start posting on this site, it does all seem to explode and hit us in the gut. Nolonger can we deny, pretend; we realise the significance of some of the past, and are forced to face the future. The head in the sand technique is allowed - if you find reading some of the posts are too painful, don't. There are times for all of us, when we have to be selective in what we read and post.
Love Helen
 

abby

Registered User
Dec 19, 2006
182
West Country
Good morning everyone.....

Thanks ;)

Well I spent most of the night reading lots on this site......amazing......but I can't find the answer to one question...can anyone help?

I hear that a different type of POA is coming into force in 2007 which covers the health asspect.......how will this be different to the existing system ? Will EPOA's already registerd have that consideration also? All very confusing.....

Abby
 

jenniferpa

Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
39,448
OK, here goes.

The new EPA (actually LPA - Lasting power of attorney) comes in 2 different forms. The first is similar to the existing EPAs and covers property and financial matters. The second is a Personal Welfare LPA. This gives more control to the attorney of someone who has lost capability to decide health care issues and where they should live. Even though the act comes into force in April, it's actually October 2007 that is the "cut-off" date between the old and new systems. Any EPA that has been executed (i.e. signed by the donor) but not registered will still be able to be registered. Also, if a donor has an unregistered EPA, they can make an Personal Welfare LPA as a "top-up" if you will. However once an EPA has been registered, they have lost capacity, so that door closes. In effect, there will be 2 systems running in parallel for some time - some people will have an EPA, and some will have 1 or 2 LPA's and some people will have an EPA AND a Personal Welfare LPA (PWLPA). (Oh joy - more confusion)

If a donor does not have a PWLPA, the situation stands as it does today - there is no requirement for health care professionals to take the attorneys wishes or views on board (although many will do so). Even with a PWLPA, if the attorney's wishes are counter to the well-being of the donor, there is no requirement to follow them. The iffy bit is the definition of "well-being" and I can see various legal challenges on this front.

Jennifer
 

abby

Registered User
Dec 19, 2006
182
West Country
Thanks for that Jennifer.......nice and uncomplicated then/ NOT lol

Right...well........... I now feel the same as I did in the sixties, brushing my hair braids away, kicking of my sandels, opening my kaftan and burning my bra.......:D

I spent time this morning reading through all the downloaded docs from PGO along with many posts on the subject on here.........
Then I did it.....I called the solicitors first giving notice I would be calling in this afternoon to collect our EPA.....the receptionist said she would need to put me through to him personally.......so I steadied myself for the battle......he asked if I needed it registering now, was that why I was reclaiming it ....as it is a complicated procedure that has to be executed in a specific fashion and a legal mind would be able to unravel it for me.....:rolleyes:

Now then....:) either everyone here is wrong, as are those lovely people at PGO, the EP1 /2 have secret confusing invisable words that only legal eyes can see .......OR he was just out to make a quick, albeit, substantial, buck ! Gosh I simply can't make my mind up........;) Just call me Miss Cynical 2006

Well I am sitting fondling said document in my hands now and can't believe how sad it is that I feel so good about doing something so painful.......
I feel liberated, enpowered, educated and for the first time, in control.......

* wonders if TP can be awarded a collective sainthood or something * Thank you for helping me see what was there all the time......really.

That said...I now have the battle of constant calls ( he forgets he has already rung ) asking me why I didn't by him 1500 sweetners to join his collection of 4 million.....doubt I will ever crack the physical / emotional side but at least I have faced one battle....thank you

* of to watch Woodstock video :D *
 

jenniferpa

Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
39,448
There - knew you could do it! Let's face it, when we're surrounded by things we can't do anything about, or even hope to control, there's a definite "lift" in finding something that we can sort out.

Jennifer
 

Helena

Registered User
May 24, 2006
715
Abby once you have sent off that EPA and got it back in 34 days everything is a doddle

However I would use it with banks etc first to get as much as poss under your control first ........(Barclays were fantastic with me ).....then not much can go amiss in the intervening 34 days
 

abby

Registered User
Dec 19, 2006
182
West Country
However I would use it with banks etc first to get as much as poss under your control first
Ummmm Helena...what do you mean? The two banks involved haven't recognised the unregistered EPA in the past resulting in us having to do a third party and joint account....what should I be doing differently now ? Also Dad has many accounts / pensions........now I am worried again :rolleyes:

* panic seting in *
 

Tender Face

Account Closed
Mar 14, 2006
5,379
NW England
Hi Abby

..... not sure what Helena was meaning to share there .... but my 'bad' experience in this registration process was to mutter 'registration' to mum's bank when I simply went for advice (where for years I had managed with 'Third Party Mandate') and they froze her accounts.....

I am on 'Day 33' - lost all hope of regsitration being confirmed before Christmas.... in which time *I* have had to run an overdraft and associated charges to fund mum's 'seasonal' expenses......

Hindsight, probably my fault I felt I was Ok with third party mandate and never lodged POA/EPA before it came to having to register....???? Crazy thing ... had I not be so open to advice, they would never have known, accounts wouldn't have been frozen ... could have carried on (with the risk mum would sign over anything to anyone who knocked on her door?) .....

Minor hiccough in the great scheme of things.....

Love, Karen, x
 

cynron

Registered User
Sep 26, 2005
429
east sussex
bank first

Abby
I went to barclays and nationwide first and they then accepted my signature on husbands behalf.

I did need to take the epa for them to photo stat.

Afterwards i registered it with the COURT OF PROTECTION ON MY OWN THUS SAVING £200.

I did not find it too difficult just time consuming.

regards Cynron x x
 

abby

Registered User
Dec 19, 2006
182
West Country
Cyron....thank you..

Your second ' nomination ' :confused: won't listen / tolerate anything......have had to go the third party and joint route.....which has been a long and drawn out affair...:mad: ..but sorted eventually

Tender face

I have no intention of saying anything to anyone ( apart from the millions on the WWW reading this :D ) before I put the registration in their hands ! ;)

Abby
xxxxxx