Youngest Brother Is Worried About My Finances

[MaNaAk]

Hello Everyone!

My youngest brother has just been round and taken some stuff to the care home. He's worried about me running out of money and he is suggesting that I pay a wage out dad's money. I am trying to get more Piano and Violin pupils and thinking about finding another job to fit around the pupils. Another suggestion is to rent out dad's room or I may want to move on altogether. My youngest brother is also thinking about having dad in the home for one month and then back here for another month and so on. I'm just starting to find my feet and tie loose ends together and now I feel a little bit stressed.

MaNaAk

 

[Beate]

I thought he was in the care home permanently now? Your brother doesn't make much sense - you can't pay yourself a wage for someone in a care home, and the one month off/on idea sounds like the worst possible thing for your Dad. He needs stability, not being shuttled forwards and backwards between two hugely different living situations. It's nice your brother is concerned for you but his ideas show he doesn't know much about dementia reality.

 

[Tin]

Not a good idea and I doubt the care home would accept such an arrangement, especially if your brother is thinking that you don't have to pay the fees for the months he is at home. what does he think will happen to his room? You are in a difficult situation because if you rent the room out, it is your father's money, council tax will also have to be considered. Honestly I think you are best trying to increase your students, or find employment out of the home. Really hope you can come up with something. It is a horrible place to be, worrying about finances.

 

[MaNaAk]

Dear Beate and Tin,

You two are brilliant and of course my brother is concerned about but I was just getting used to the idea of not being dad's carer anymore. I think the trouble with relatives who are not directly involved with caring is that they can't see the whole picture. This brother (virtual invisible) was talking about dad being in a home before Christmas but when it came down to it he thought it happened rather quickly. People forget that you cannot work the hours that you used to work before becoming a carer but once you stop being a carer another chapter begins (except that I will be caring from afar).

MaNaAk

 

[Elle3]

Hi MaNaAk, I agree entirely with Beate and Tin, you can’t possibly consider moving your dad back and force, it would just be far too unsettling for him, change is never very good for people with Dementia. It does sound like your brother is trying to think of your best interests but without fully seeing or understanding the big picture. There is probably a little bit of guilt there too on his part for his absence in the past but it’s far too late for him now to try and offer advice, you’ve managed everything so well on your own and you know what is best.

Don’t let him stress you.

Elle x

 

[MaNaAk]

Hi MaNaAk, I agree entirely with Beate and Tin, you can’t possibly consider moving your dad back and force, it would just be far too unsettling for him, change is never very good for people with Dementia. It does sound like your brother is trying to think of your best interests but without fully seeing or understanding the big picture. There is probably a little bit of guilt there too on his part for his absence in the past but it’s far too late for him now to try and offer advice, you’ve managed everything so well on your own and you know what is best.

Don’t let him stress you.

Elle x

Thankyou Elle,

Must admit I went to bed thinking about it and woke up thinking about it. However since dad went into the home I have slept better because I know he's safe and financially I know that things will get worse but the only person who can do something about that is me. This is the brother who last autumn said that if I can't look after dad then he should be in a home but when it came down to it both he and his partner like my other brother all thought that things had moved quickly! The fact is dad had two weeks of respite a few days after he came out we saw off another care agency and he had a hypo.

The night that dad had a hypo I was the only one who was around to help him as I was when dad had a previous hypo before Christmas. I was also the only one around when dad had several falls and knowing that it is only a matter of time before something else happens and that there is a care home with a room available I had to do something. Now I will be concentrating on caring from afar and my career and bringing money in to look after myself and do some work on the house. My brother was saying I may eventually have to move out and sell some of the furniture including the Piano. This is something I will do if it is necessary but I won't be selling the Piano because mum and I bought it together and dad was never a Pianist!

My brothers have the best intentions but it's a shame they didn't do more before.

MaNaAk

 

[Duggies-girl]

Thankyou Elle,

Must admit I went to bed thinking about it and woke up thinking about it. However since dad went into the home I have slept better because I know he's safe and financially I know that things will get worse but the only person who can do something about that is me. This is the brother who last autumn said that if I can't look after dad then he should be in a home but when it came down to it both he and his partner like my other brother all thought that things had moved quickly! The fact is dad had two weeks of respite a few days after he came out we saw off another care agency and he had a hypo.

The night that dad had a hypo I was the only one who was around to help him as I was when dad had a previous hypo before Christmas. I was also the only one around when dad had several falls and knowing that it is only a matter of time before something else happens and that there is a care home with a room available I had to do something. Now I will be concentrating on caring from afar and my career and bringing money in to look after myself and do some work on the house. My brother was saying I may eventually have to move out and sell some of the furniture including the Piano. This is something I will do if it is necessary but I won't be selling the Piano because mum and I bought it together and dad was never a Pianist!

My brothers have the best intentions but it's a shame they didn't do more before.

MaNaAk

Absolutely @MaNaAk It is your time now and you have to do what is best for you. Never mind what your brothers think, you did the caring and have earned some time of your own. I have no doubt that you will still care for your father but just differently. Your dad is now safe and well cared for so be happy with your new life and try to enjoy it. My dad is terminal now and when he is gone it will be my time, I shan't give my brother a thought. xx

 

[Elle3]

Thankyou Elle,

Must admit I went to bed thinking about it and woke up thinking about it. However since dad went into the home I have slept better because I know he's safe and financially I know that things will get worse but the only person who can do something about that is me. This is the brother who last autumn said that if I can't look after dad then he should be in a home but when it came down to it both he and his partner like my other brother all thought that things had moved quickly! The fact is dad had two weeks of respite a few days after he came out we saw off another care agency and he had a hypo.

The night that dad had a hypo I was the only one who was around to help him as I was when dad had a previous hypo before Christmas. I was also the only one around when dad had several falls and knowing that it is only a matter of time before something else happens and that there is a care home with a room available I had to do something. Now I will be concentrating on caring from afar and my career and bringing money in to look after myself and do some work on the house. My brother was saying I may eventually have to move out and sell some of the furniture including the Piano. This is something I will do if it is necessary but I won't be selling the Piano because mum and I bought it together and dad was never a Pianist!

My brothers have the best intentions but it's a shame they didn't do more before.

MaNaAk

It certainly is just time now to get your own life on track. You have done an amazing job caring for your dad and your brothers should be very thankful of that and fully supportive of you now.

I agree once you stop feeling guilt for placing your loved one in a home, I slept so much better too and it is such an enormous weight of your mind/relief knowing they are safe, well cared for and getting that 24/7 care that they need. Even though like you say, you never stop being their carer, but at least you can begin to change your relationship back to being father and daughter

The financial side is always going to be a worry, but don't try to deal with them alone, get your brothers to help it's the least they can do, but make sure you keep that piano, you deserve that. I'm worrying too about the finances for my dad even though we have been awarded CHC, it appears not to be as simple as we first thought and we are now involved in contractual issues between the care home, the CCG & the LA. Luckily our brilliant SW has stepped in yet again and is helping us, I really don't know what we would have done without her help and support.

All I can say though to you is take it one step at a time, concentrate on you for now and things will work out.

Take care.
Elle x

 

[MaNaAk]

Absolutely @MaNaAk It is your time now and you have to do what is best for you. Never mind what your brothers think, you did the caring and have earned some time of your own. I have no doubt that you will still care for your father but just differently. Your dad is now safe and well cared for so be happy with your new life and try to enjoy it. My dad is terminal now and when he is gone it will be my time, I shan't give my brother a thought. xx

Dear Duggies-girl,

I'm sorry to hear about your dad but like me you can be satisfied that you are doing your best for your dad. Like you I have learnt not to rely on my brothers they have the best intentions but they can't put these into practice. Both of them could have done some research into dementia or stayed with dad but one of them only stayed once last year and the other one sat for dad but does not know what it is like to care for him full-time. I will make sure dad has everything he needs and you might like to know that my brothers have shown that they know nothing about Power Of Attorney either eventhough I emailed the links for both sorts to them!

MaNaAk

 

[MaNaAk]

It certainly is just time now to get your own life on track. You have done an amazing job caring for your dad and your brothers should be very thankful of that and fully supportive of you now.

I agree once you stop feeling guilt for placing your loved one in a home, I slept so much better too and it is such an enormous weight of your mind/relief knowing they are safe, well cared for and getting that 24/7 care that they need. Even though like you say, you never stop being their carer, but at least you can begin to change your relationship back to being father and daughter

The financial side is always going to be a worry, but don't try to deal with them alone, get your brothers to help it's the least they can do, but make sure you keep that piano, you deserve that. I'm worrying too about the finances for my dad even though we have been awarded CHC, it appears not to be as simple as we first thought and we are now involved in contractual issues between the care home, the CCG & the LA. Luckily our brilliant SW has stepped in yet again and is helping us, I really don't know what we would have done without her help and support.

All I can say though to you is take it one step at a time, concentrate on you for now and things will work out.

Take care.
Elle x

Thankyou Elle! I will be taking things one step at a time and I think this is what my brothers don't get. Good luck with the authorities and I hope you get it all sorted speedily. I still think that as you said earlier guilt is a problem for my brothers here especially when I had to call the paramedics for the last time.

MaNaAk

 

[Duggies-girl]

Dear Duggies-girl,

I'm sorry to hear about your dad but like me you can be satisfied that you are doing your best for your dad. Like you I have learnt not to rely on my brothers they have the best intentions but they can't put these into practice. Both of them could have done some research into dementia or stayed with dad but one of them only stayed once last year and the other one sat for dad but does not know what it is like to care for him full-time. I will make sure dad has everything he needs and you might like to know that my brothers have shown that they know nothing about Power Of Attorney either eventhough I emailed the links for both sorts to them!

MaNaAk

Thank you @MaNaAk Maybe it is a brother thing, I don't know really but it is their loss. I never expected much help as I am happy to look after dad although sometimes I get fed up with it and I would like the odd day off. It is really the sheer lack of interest or any real concern for dad, I find that very strange especially as he has been a really good dad. He deserves better.

Wishing you well and yes hang on to that piano, you have earned it.