I had a terrible thought last night. I said to my husband - you know, keeping my dad's diabetes under control to prolong his life and keep him healthy.... well, for what???? So his body is fit and he lives another 20 years only to end up in nappies! It made me think, why even bother? I know that sounds really awful, and I was ashamed to even think it,
Few years back I was cooking my mother another English
breakfast . I say another because nurse had told me only to do it once a mouth, I was doing it for the 2nd time in a mouth .
My daughter said to me " you Know what the nurse said " So I said " So what if it kill her, she not got a lot left in life anyway, better then the AZ getting her .
My daughter said '' So you want to kill Nanny " ( she was in her 20s when she said that )
She left me speech less , because that was not what I meant , So I thought if she perceive it that why, would the doctor, nurses , people in general public think of it like that .
I am , was not into playing God , but they a lot of judgmental people out they , ready at a drop of a hat to make you feel guilty when they not living in your shoes .
Your father sounds so like my mother , different story as my mother must of been in middle stages before my father died , that she lived a good life while my father was alive . Only when he died did I notice the change in her that it push her into late stages of AZ .
Only AZ drug brought her back , she could make tea , wash herself get around on her own . but any confusion or argument with have her, ending with her getting lost in the street , slowly it progress again
My mother in Nappy ( pads ) now , but she still has full awareness , because of the medication for last stages . the transition into nappy with full awareness is the hardest I have come across in my role as a carer .
They nurses where one of the hardest obstacle to come cross , because they wanted my mother to wear pads that I can only describe as a space ship flat open Nappy as they where so big .
( My mother go to toilet on her own , but wets herself )
after complaining to someone else about it , because I was getting no where with nurse I got them .
she told me to keep what I thought was the wrong pads , also my mother can't order any other pads but the one she wanted for now .
I was not going to get into any argument with nurse ( because I thought I can order what I like , who she to tell me what I can order for my mother needs )
So I nicely told the nurses , when my mother has no awareness she can wear them, while she has awareness give her the dignity to wear those pads she like . ( that look like sanitary pads but are thicker that stick to the Nickers ) .
she in pads now , I don't like saying Nappy as she not in that stage yet .
I am glad that when she does go into that stage she won't have awareness , because she hate it , but for now she taking out of life what she can and I give her the dignity to eat what she like and the dignity to wear pads that she like .
I know that sounds really awful, and I was ashamed to even think it, but I KNOW that if my dad knew the illness and what the future holds, he would not want to live like that anyway!
No its not awful to think like that , Its a normal part of the feelings of grief. your grieving for your mother , also for your father how he was before dementia , its good that you have a good listener in your husband a
a shoulder to cry on