You just have to froth

Brucie

Registered User
Jan 31, 2004
12,413
near London
Gaining attention in extremis: Carer Needs Help Kit :)

As carers, we have all experienced a variety of people ignoring our pleas for help - we just can't seem to get through to them.

These people don't respond to the subtle approach.

I know what we need - a 'carer needs help kit'.

So here are the ingredients of a Mk.I Carer Needs Help Kit

Soap, of course.
Does anyone know anywhere that sells palatable soap?

If one uses Lux as a mouth-frothing agent then the recipient immediately classifies a guy as gay, and that adds yet more confusion and diverts the other person.

Anyway, Lux tastes just awful, and Dove ain't much better.

Perhaps a quick mouthwash with Fairy Liquid would do, but that might just make the other person think they are suddenly under water, as there are just bubbles coming from one's mouth. We don't want them having to go for help for THEIR hallucinations.

We need foam of a suitable consistency that will slowly and alarmingly dribble from the mouth. It needs to fly and hit the other person if we shake our head - that involves them more.

Some Hammer Film blood shot contact lenses.

These always add to our natural red eyes due to lack of sleep and crying, etc [not to mention hay fever]

Perhaps some copious amounts of vegetable soup for a few days before as the injection of wind can be a most powerful thing.


Perhaps the Society could sell the kit.....
;)
 
C

Chesca

Guest
Bruce, you've given me this glorious image of carers all over the country asking of shop staff 'any soap fit to eat?'. Can you get Pickfords to deliver?

Foam: do I have a solution? Some cement mix from Macdonalds that passes for a milk shake heavily injected with soda, the strawberry one should frighten the wossnames out the viewer. Johnson & Johnson must sell chewable soap for babies.

A supersonically charged retractable face slapper: for those professionals from whom we seek aid and are smug enough to tell us that we need to relax more. They won't know what hit them!

Soup: dehydrated, yes could be sold in packets to save on the p&p when ordering the kit. Would prefer a beanfeast myself! Free kite with every order!

Red eye..... you can tell you've never tried to get out of the St Trinians hockey game. An eye mask pad impregnated with Vick applied for a short time will provide sufficient irritation and weeping (like we need help!), followed by swift application of some blusher powder tinged with a little blue eyeshadow.

Still working on it......

Chesca
 
C

Chesca

Guest
...delivery will be in a plain brown wrapper, or the WI may provide a discreet shopping service.........Or ask any female of your acquaintance and she will have a copious supply of whateverwasIthinkingofwhenIboughtthatbackin76s somewhere at the bottom of something.
Chesca
 

Norman

Registered User
Oct 9, 2003
4,348
Birmingham Hades
A mixture of beans,bi carb and tatarre sauce could be useful.
Mix with Brucie's fairy liquid and Chesca's cement, lie down for 24 hours.
Then descend on the local SS offices,break wind ,fill the joint with bubbles and a dubious odour and refuse to leave until they meet your demands.
It might be classed as a major incident and highlight the problems of carers.

Dream on Norman
 
C

Chesca

Guest
Norman!

I have a feeling the answer may be an information overload, but how DO you know this is effective? I hope to God you didn't serve on a submarine! Che idea! For research purposes, tests will be undertaken on an unsuspecting JJ this evening. Must go, blender is calling..................
Chesca
XX
 
C

Chesca

Guest
........saucy!

Carer's disaster recovery kit:

Punch bag - husband or partner will do at a push
1 litre bells whisky
I tin andrews to combat effects of above
1 box paracetamol ditto
Room with padded walls
Loads of cups/saucers/plates and other fragile objects to smash
Megaphone or PA system to make yourself heard
400 benson & hedges
1 box swan vesta (for propping eyes open)
I computer logged on to Alzheimer' Society site
Partner to talk (if not knocked unconscious)

submitted on behalf of partner (unconsicous)

Chesca
 

Norman

Registered User
Oct 9, 2003
4,348
Birmingham Hades
Chesca
I didn't serve on a submarine,we didn't have submarines in the Merchant Navy!
How do you think I spent a part of my life in the village on the Mersey,lovely judies.
Are the lions still at the top of lime Street,it was said they roared whenever a virgin passed by,I never heard them and I waited for days.

all that
Norman
 
C

Chesca

Guest
Dear Captain Pugwash

Rugby league, rugby union; merchant navy, royal navy - don't box polemics with me, mush! It's all men, any in fact, in uniform to a blushing maid. The only hardware we're interested in isn't equipped with a poopdeck. Those lions know what they're not talking about but I swear one winked knowingly last time I flew past - in time to catch my train, incidentally.

Lotsa.....
Chesca
 
C

Chesca

Guest
Dear Norman

Where are you? How are you? I've missed you.

Chesca the Judie
 

Norman

Registered User
Oct 9, 2003
4,348
Birmingham Hades
Dear Chesca
I'm here, I had the dreaded chest infection after nursing wify for two weeks,never left the house,couldn't play bowls.
****ed off,knackered but I'm alright now and all the better for hearing from you.
This is another situation when the carer is ill.
Go and lie down she says,then she says how long are you going to stay there,are you coming down?
all the best
Norman
 

snuffyuk

Registered User
Jul 8, 2004
188
Near Bristol
So whats the difference between Crown Green and Lawn bowls?
I have a lot of freinds who wear white kit and hats and slope of into the unknown. Are they a new breed of "white Witches"

My dear Aunt,died 2 years ago, played bowls. She lived in Wookey Hole, Somerset, UK. Her pet name was the "witch of Wookey"
snuffy
 
C

Chesca

Guest
Norman! Good news, your back

Bad news about the chest infection, so many people, all over the shoot, are suffering from this. I understand there is precious little concern from the wifey I've seen it from Dad's side: sometimes he could barely walk and just need to rest but as far as Mum was concerned, there was a genuinely sympathetic 'ah, is he not well?' followed by 'where's your father, I want him down here now!' Sometimes its hard to remember your dealing with a mental illness and have to jolt yourself to remember that the sufferer has not become a self-absorbed beast! Dad used to say even the knowing she had dementia didn't take away the hurt, considering Mum had always been such a caring, loving woman. I am thinking of you.

Anyway, like your brother, Sylvest, you should utilise the row of forty medals upon your chest to ward off reoccurence of the infection.

Sooooooo good to hear from you. What's a lawn? I seem to remember that has something to do with grass - that'll be the weed infested stuff adorning the garden, much neglected by events of the last 12 months. Our fairies have migrated after needing a machete to negotiate toadstool conventions. And why wouldn't they. If you hear any spell casting in a scouse accent you will know they have accepted my recommendation to your fairies - (for translation: if you hear the term 'me ed's cabbaged!', they have not fallen into your veg patch they'll just be expressing a little confusion with the migratory process).

Did you know, by the way, that in a former metamorphosis I lived and worked in Birmingham in a city establishment bombed out of existence shortly after I left (non mea culpa). I was nought but a lass at the time but I remember going to Kitts Green on Sunday nights to the Macadown (is that how you spell it?). Oh, yes, I knew how to live!

Why don't you wear funny hats? I would..... and be thrown out, I know.

Lotsa...
Chesca
 
Last edited by a moderator:
C

Chesca

Guest
Overheard in the pub. Grass? Don't they sell that down Liverpool 8.

Chesca
 

Norman

Registered User
Oct 9, 2003
4,348
Birmingham Hades
Chesca
I agree with all that you say about no concern and lack of sympathy,it is the illness but it still hurts when you think what they were before AD took over.
I did know "me eds cabbaged",I heard a bit of scouse from the bushes,"me guts is on the bum"I understand that one of the fairies sat on a toads tool and that might have some thing to do with it!
You spell Makadown with a K I thinkdon't know if it's there any more.I remember going to New Brighton on a Saturday night,a few pints ,fish and chips and round the fair.
Then back down to the docks on the overhead railway.
All gone I believe.
Still it's nice talking to a genuine Judy.
tara well
Norman
 

Norman

Registered User
Oct 9, 2003
4,348
Birmingham Hades
Snuffy
Lawn bowls is played on a flat green,with 4 woods, in a full team match,or inside (like on TV)
The players play in lanes straight up and down the green.
Crown green is played with two woods on a green with a raised centre,a crown and the players play anywhere on the green after bowling a biased jack and attempting to follow it's line
Some of us play both games,crown in Summer and lawn bowls inside in Winter.
Lawn bowlers do tend to be a bit more fussy about their dress.
I find it a great relaxation,this is one day when Crossroads come, and I have a whole three hours to myself!!!
Beast Wishes
Norman
 
C

Chesca

Guest
Wow, D'yow remember the swimming pool at New Brighton? late and much lamented. I do believe there is a plan afoot to regenerate the area at a cost of some £147,379,571 billion, give or take a groat.

Have you checked the visas of those fairies? They sound quite forward to me, probably well known to those St George's Hall Lions.

Lotsa and god bless
Chesca
 

Recent Threads

Members online

Forum statistics

Threads
116,007
Messages
1,696,591
Members
66,817
Latest member
Tetram67