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Yesterday i wept for my Past

Discussion in 'I have dementia' started by Norrms, Aug 28, 2015.

  1. Norrms

    Norrms Registered User

    Feb 19, 2009
    5,308
    Male
    Torquay Devon
    YESTERDAY I WEPT
    FOR MY PAST

    TODAY I WEEP FOR MY FUTURE

    Yesterday I wept for my past, the day before, I yearned for my youth, today I want to be young again, I want to be free of this awful disease dementia and walk onto the football field, standing tall, shouting loud at the other players to step it up a gear! I want to feel that feeling of excitement as I step out of the shower just before getting ready for a Friday night on the town with the boys.

    I want to feel the butterflies in my stomach as I wait on the corner for Elaine to turn up on our fist official date, looking up to the sky and asking the big fella for help so I don’t mess this one up. So much has happened, and so much is supposed to happen, and yet ??

    I lose myself in my thoughts, I drift back to a time when I am sitting in our cobbled back street playing marbles with my best friend Kevin Peake and the only thing worrying us is what’s for tea!! I can sit like this for hours, just remembering what it used to be like, how things used to be, and also how things could be, NO! SHOULD be!! Before this awful illness took over all our lives and tainted everything we had ever worked for. WHY!! OH WHY!! I cry between the “Hidden Tears “as I call them, weeping, yet no tears, crying yet no sound`s, just a cry from the heart that no one else hears or ever will, my own personal persecution, eating away at me at my most vulnerable times.

    This is dementia at its worst, forget what you have been told, forget what you have read, this is what it’s like to live, KNOWING you have this awful disease, this is what it’s like at my lowest times of my life, and yet, this is what is never spoken about or even discussed, until now !!

    Yesterday I wept for my past, today I weep for my future!!!!!

    Norrms and family xxxxxxxxxx
     
  2. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    4,783
    Salford
    I think we all feel that way sometimes Norrms but I think it's just called getting old and not the AZ. I miss playing football, Saturday nights in the pub on a date, always having something good to look forward to not good to look back at. I'm on here as my wife has AZ not me but I totally understand what you're saying, I feel the same but I think it's just an age thing not just the AZ.
    Very eloquently written by the way, I wish I had your gift at expressing myself.
    K
     
  3. jan.s

    jan.s Registered User

    Sep 20, 2011
    7,352
    Oh, Norms, my heart weeps with you. I remember Roger being so down about his life, and the hardest part was that there was nothing I could do to change things, just be there, love him and support him, just like your Angel does for you.

    xx
     
  4. Norrms

    Norrms Registered User

    Feb 19, 2009
    5,308
    Male
    Torquay Devon
    Thank you my friend xxx
     
  5. Essie

    Essie Registered User

    Feb 11, 2015
    566
    Huge, huge sympathies Norrms, like Kevinl I wish I could post a reply as eloquent as your post but I'm not as articulate as you. I really do feel for you, as you say that period when you are still aware and can therefore realise what there is to lose is such a terrible time but, also as Kevinl says, some of what you articulate is how all of us feel - we all look back on childhood days and think how much easier it all was then but for you the change is dictated not just by the years passing but by your dementia and that is so much harder.... but who knows what is around the corner, drugs that can stall progress of the disease, new understandings of cause and effect, one day there wasn't penicillin and the next day there was (not literally but you get my drift) so please don't let those tears take over - you have so much good living to do - you contribute so much just here on TP.

    It's more than understandable that you worry about the future but sometimes you just have to force yourself to stop it or it will so cloud your 'now' that it spoils what you can do for worrying about what you may or may not be able to accomplish at some unknown point in the future - live each day, love, be busy, give, enjoy and 'the future' - well we'll deal with that as and when we come to it eh?

    Sending you good wishes.
     
  6. Norrms

    Norrms Registered User

    Feb 19, 2009
    5,308
    Male
    Torquay Devon
    Thank you Essie xxxxxxxxx
     

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