Hello,
My name is Misty. I recently moved back in with my parents to help my mother care for my father who has dementia. My dad is 78 years old, but I am only 23 years old. My mother is 53 years old. Dealing with this so early in my life is a real struggle for me.
Why I am posting- my mother is my father's main caregiver. I work and try to maintain somewhat of a social life. I now live downstairs in our home, whereas my parents stay upstairs. My mother is a wonderful and caring woman who loves my father more than anything (they have been together over 30 years), but she refuses to communicate with him in an effective way most of the time. She SCREAMS at him, almost at the top of her lungs; when I say something, she gets extremely upset and says, "That is the only way he understands!!" I can't get it through her head that she can't scream at him like that and it upsets me to no end. I can be downstairs or outside and I can still hear her screaming. He is usually always calm during these times and simply just says "okay" over and over.
Another topic- my mother loves questions. She has always done this: asks two or more questions at once without giving anyone a chance to respond. She is always asking my dad questions."What is wrong with you????" (which always angers me; he has dementia! That is what is wrong with him!) "Why are you agitated?" "Why are you acting like that?" "What are you talking about?" "What is wrong with you today?" "What has happened to make you so weak?" "Why can't you walk right today?" "Why can't you stand up?" "Why are you having so many problems today?" "Why are you so tired?" "Why can't you sit up straight?" "Why can't you act right?" It goes on and on and on. He can never answer these questions, and she knows that. She usually asks them out of anger (speaking before thinking). If my poor father knew the answers to these questions, he'd likely not have the issue in the first place. (Also, my mother asks me a lot of these questions- I believe it's a habit.) No one wants someone screaming "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!!!!!" in their face several times a day; hell, that would make anyone irritated and less likely to comply with what you want.
Questions on another topic- my mother asks my father A LOT of questions, obviously. "Do you need water?" (as he's choking on his food while drinking a diet cola) I say, if you think he needs water, just get him some. "Do you want a jacket for our walk?" My dad doesn't know what to say; if you think he will need a jacket, go ahead and grab one. It's a lot of things like that. I may be wrong, but no one likes to be bombarded with questions, especially ones that they don't know the answer to or can't think of the answer to. I feel like it'd be a lot easier to just go ahead and get whatever is in question.
When I bring these things up to my mother, she gets angry and defensive. She tells me that she's his full time caregiver and that I don't understand. She tells me that if she doesn't yell, then he doesn't understand. She then usually starts yelling at me, telling me to shut up, and then telling me to go back downstairs and leave them alone. I understand that she's tired and has her hands full, but I just can't accept how she communicates with my father. Physically, she takes excellent care of him; he's always clean, diaper changed, appropriate clothing on, hydrated, fed, comfortable, etc. The only issue is the communication, and I can't seem to do anything about it. What baffles me is that, whenever I am assisting him, I have never yelled..not once. I realize I'm not with him as much as she is, but I don't understand why she would have to constantly yell and no one else does when dealing with him. I may have to repeat myself, rephrase what I was saying, or just give up altogether, but I would certainly try not to ever yell.
My father has had dementia for less than a year- so this is all new to us. If anyone has answers to my questions, advice, etc. PLEASE let me know! My mother and I are both struggling.
Thank you.
My name is Misty. I recently moved back in with my parents to help my mother care for my father who has dementia. My dad is 78 years old, but I am only 23 years old. My mother is 53 years old. Dealing with this so early in my life is a real struggle for me.
Why I am posting- my mother is my father's main caregiver. I work and try to maintain somewhat of a social life. I now live downstairs in our home, whereas my parents stay upstairs. My mother is a wonderful and caring woman who loves my father more than anything (they have been together over 30 years), but she refuses to communicate with him in an effective way most of the time. She SCREAMS at him, almost at the top of her lungs; when I say something, she gets extremely upset and says, "That is the only way he understands!!" I can't get it through her head that she can't scream at him like that and it upsets me to no end. I can be downstairs or outside and I can still hear her screaming. He is usually always calm during these times and simply just says "okay" over and over.
Another topic- my mother loves questions. She has always done this: asks two or more questions at once without giving anyone a chance to respond. She is always asking my dad questions."What is wrong with you????" (which always angers me; he has dementia! That is what is wrong with him!) "Why are you agitated?" "Why are you acting like that?" "What are you talking about?" "What is wrong with you today?" "What has happened to make you so weak?" "Why can't you walk right today?" "Why can't you stand up?" "Why are you having so many problems today?" "Why are you so tired?" "Why can't you sit up straight?" "Why can't you act right?" It goes on and on and on. He can never answer these questions, and she knows that. She usually asks them out of anger (speaking before thinking). If my poor father knew the answers to these questions, he'd likely not have the issue in the first place. (Also, my mother asks me a lot of these questions- I believe it's a habit.) No one wants someone screaming "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!!!!!" in their face several times a day; hell, that would make anyone irritated and less likely to comply with what you want.
Questions on another topic- my mother asks my father A LOT of questions, obviously. "Do you need water?" (as he's choking on his food while drinking a diet cola) I say, if you think he needs water, just get him some. "Do you want a jacket for our walk?" My dad doesn't know what to say; if you think he will need a jacket, go ahead and grab one. It's a lot of things like that. I may be wrong, but no one likes to be bombarded with questions, especially ones that they don't know the answer to or can't think of the answer to. I feel like it'd be a lot easier to just go ahead and get whatever is in question.
When I bring these things up to my mother, she gets angry and defensive. She tells me that she's his full time caregiver and that I don't understand. She tells me that if she doesn't yell, then he doesn't understand. She then usually starts yelling at me, telling me to shut up, and then telling me to go back downstairs and leave them alone. I understand that she's tired and has her hands full, but I just can't accept how she communicates with my father. Physically, she takes excellent care of him; he's always clean, diaper changed, appropriate clothing on, hydrated, fed, comfortable, etc. The only issue is the communication, and I can't seem to do anything about it. What baffles me is that, whenever I am assisting him, I have never yelled..not once. I realize I'm not with him as much as she is, but I don't understand why she would have to constantly yell and no one else does when dealing with him. I may have to repeat myself, rephrase what I was saying, or just give up altogether, but I would certainly try not to ever yell.
My father has had dementia for less than a year- so this is all new to us. If anyone has answers to my questions, advice, etc. PLEASE let me know! My mother and I are both struggling.
Thank you.
