Hi DanceinShadow,

Welcome to TP. I have only just caught up with your Thread and am sorry there has been some misunderstanding.

I understand your concern about your grandparents, but even with so much inappropriate behaviour from both of them, your grandmother`s false accusations, and your grandfather`s taking it on himself to change the reccommended dose of your grandmother`s medication, do you think these two people, who have been together for years, are frightened of being seperated?

Would they cope without each other, are they afraid outside intervention will do more harm than good? Would they prefer to stay together in their own home, even with all the ups and downs, rather than end their days in nursing homes, possibly apart.

I realize I`m really not helping to solve your problem or provide any constructive advice. I also understand how concerned you are for them. Would they accept any help in the house? Would they accept any social support, if it helped them stay in their own home togehter.

I`m not sure what is available in the USA, but are there any ways to compromise.

 

Yes, in-laws can be tough. I am fortunate in that I'm more on my MIL's wavelength than my DH is (we did get over the slut comment ) so I have less issues. Also, my MIL is a sweetie.

It's sounds like you've got the situation pegged: probably your grandfather does now feel that he's got to do it on his own, not that it really helps matters much. Apart from getting your GM back to the doctors and seing if there is a different tranquilizer that can be prescribed (and how long ago was she there?: dementia can change, it seems like, daily) or if one of the more targeted anti-psychotics might be appropriate, the only thing I can suggest is what you've already probably tried to do: get your father to keep the lines of communication open, so that possibly your GF can ask for help when he's ready.

Jennifer

 

Well this is definitely one of the reasons they don`t want to risk being seperated, I`m sure.

If they were surrounded by only English speakers, with a different culture too, it would be a nightmare for them.

My husband does speak English, but he was an immigrant. He`s lived in the UK for over 50 years, married here, raised our son and ran his own business. He was naturalised when I was pregnant with our son, so he has had a British passport for 43 years.

But now he has Alzheimers, he is returning to his cultural roots, and only wants to go to the scenes of his childhood. Perhaps your grandparents only feel secure with each other and will put up with anything to stay together.

Maybe they didn`t try hard enough to integrate, but I can`t help feel very sorry for them. Now more than ever, I`m sure they want to be in a familiar environment.

 

I think you might be right, but it`s easy to be wise with hindsight. I think there`s a certain age, over which it`s not possible to make a `new life`. Your grandparents were probably too old to turn their life round.

We relocated within the UK 5 years ago, only a distance of 300 miles. My husband was 70. He has never settled, even though he had visited this area for 10 years previously. He tells me every day how much he hates it here.

 

Dear DanceinShadow,

By the sound of your posts, it seems you are taking on far too much responsibility on your own shoulders.

You are one member of a family and no-one is saying the full burden of care should be yours.

If you continue to allow it to stress you out so much, you will become bitter.

Your father has already absolved you from eventual responsibility for him. Try not to anticipate what may happen in years to come.

Old age with illness and disease is very frightening, but it is the natural course of life. It will happen to each and everyone of us, bar accidents or premature death.

Birth, decay, death, that`s how it goes. It depends on the individual, what we make of the bits in-between.

You are entitled to make your choices. You can take over the caring or not, as you wish.

Take care or yourself for a while, it sounds to me as if you need to.

Love xx

 

My mother is 76 , immigrant to UK in 1959 in to a place called Fulham in London .

where also a lot of people from they country of birth immigrated .
My parents did not like me mixing with the English speaking Children nor them with the english speaking people , so all of my friends back then where from our country of birth , and we also had a local community center that we would all have social evening .

My mother never learn the english , now 50 years on & she still has an accent , as my parents got older they seem to stop mixing with anyone they keep themselves to themselves to the point of Isolating themselves in they home .


Just like you say my parents also did that in they 65

It I think about it they did not want to let go of they roots , even thought they lived in another country , it was like steeping into my roots of the country I was born in when I visited they home.

My father had a heart attack when he was 65 years old and things got worse he would not take his medication never go out , mum never new what the long team affect it would have on my father in not taking the medication for blood purser , he would take them but only when he felt like taking them.

I use to tell mum , but she would say , oh leave him alone his OK

Hardest part as they daughter is standing back & just letting them get one with it, even thought doctor even come around asking why my father had not pick up medication for his heart .

Till it all came to a head in 2002 when my father was in his 70s he had a heart attract that killed him. I can so understand how frustrating it is for your father to seeing this happening , because he looking at it from outside the box , where your grandparents are not they living in they own world of the past that they feel safe in.

 

As far as I know "senile dementia" means, literally, "old age dementia" - that is, it means someone is elderly and has dementia. It has (at least, in the UK) fallen into disuse because it is a generalised term. Once diagnosis has taken place, it is more accurate to describe the type of dementia specifically: Alzheimer's Disease, Vascular Dementia, Lewy Bodies, Picks Disease etc. Not least because each type has it's own typical symptoms, progressions and treatments. For example, the cholinesterase type drugs are only licensed in the UK for people with Alzheimer's. It is possible to have "mixed" dementia - ie more than one form of it. Also, the term is avoided because it tended to imply that dementia was exclusively a disease of the elderly, and it is not (although it is much more common in those of advanced years).

This is opposed to the term senility, which literally means the normal loss of faculties due to old age. That is quite different to dementia although the two can be easily confused in the very early stage which is why an early diagnosis is difficult, and why families assume "it's just old age"

Again, in the UK, "senility" and "senile" tend to be derogatory terms, and hence, the medical profession avoid using them.

 

You might not like me saying this, so please don't take it the wrong way but, in my opinion, stepping in and helping your grandfather is not helping him to change the way they live.

Your grandmother can't help her behaviour, your grandfather is coping as best he can and your parents and you are trying to put things right.............sounds a nightmare situation for you all.

Maybe you could keep away for a short time and see if your grandfather decides he does need to have the medication altered and some help his wife.

It sounds as though you are all getting more and more angry with each other nothing is getting any better, that can't be good for any of you.


Kathleen

 

Problem

I must ask the question, but have you got Social Services involved? If you do, they can go in to the home and make sure your grandmother has the right medication, despite what your grandfather says. And can also observe him and his behaviour and make a recommedation for treatment for himself.

It sound a horrible situation that you are in and sometimes, at the end of the day, you just have to leave the folks to it and accept that it is their choice to do it wrong.

Much love

Margaret

 

Hi Danceinshadow,
I have lived through the nightmare of not having control.
My mum was diagnosed several years ago but only after she got lost for four hours whilst driving from her house to mine a journey that would normally take 25 mins. It was only then that my Dad would admit openly that something was wrong. By the time she was diagnosed she was quite bad. She obviously had to stop driving which caused lots of arguments as you cant reason with someone who doesn't know they are ill.
We had all the same problems because Dad was in control and we could not take over he would not let us help you have to sit back and wait to pick up the pieces.
My Mum's behaviour is not as aggressive as your Grandmothers and it was only when my Dad became ill with Lung cancer and could not cope that I could take over, he died within 11 days of his diagnosis. I do not know how he coped and did not realize how much he covered up but in the end you have to respect his wishes and although I do feel guilty that I did not do more there is not anything you can do if they will not let you help because the relationship between a husband and wife is different to that of children and parents.
My Mum now lives with me but without the help of my husband and daughters I do not know how I would cope.
I hope this helps as you are not alone in what you are going through.
Love Sandrajean