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Wrong hoping for an early death?

Laine1942

New member
May 23, 2019
5
My mum was diagnosed 3 months ago with Alzheimers, she also has 2 cysts on her liver one is ok to leave in but the other cyst they want to take out as it can turn to cancer, ive just had attorney of health come through and have spoken to others members of my family and we feel it would be far better for nature to take its course, if she had the op her brain would be starved of oxygen and probley be worse. Her 2 sisters had alzheimers and i always remember my mum saying "if I ever get this please shoot me" I feel like this cyst is her bullet, im heartbroken about all that's going on but I understand where people come from in wishing there loved ones would pass quickly. My heart goes out to all of you ❤
 

Rach1985

Registered User
Jun 9, 2019
404
My mum was diagnosed 3 months ago with Alzheimers, she also has 2 cysts on her liver one is ok to leave in but the other cyst they want to take out as it can turn to cancer, ive just had attorney of health come through and have spoken to others members of my family and we feel it would be far better for nature to take its course, if she had the op her brain would be starved of oxygen and probley be worse. Her 2 sisters had alzheimers and i always remember my mum saying "if I ever get this please shoot me" I feel like this cyst is her bullet, im heartbroken about all that's going on but I understand where people come from in wishing there loved ones would pass quickly. My heart goes out to all of you ❤
My father has heart problems. He said always never put me in a care home. A week ago he got diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. There is a part of me now that hopes we get a good couple of years with him on his tablets, not a rapid decline, then he dies of a heart attack. It feels awful saying it, but I can’t help thinking it
 

Norfolk Cherry

Registered User
Feb 17, 2018
298
My mum has lived with dementia since she was 73 (very early stages but not diagnosed) and is now 82. I would love for her to die in her sleep now as although settled in her home, she is not happy. She can't afford the constant one to one activity sessions that she needs to make life bearable, and I have children and grandchildren that need me. I'm glad to see this thread has not been closed down as similar ones have in the past, and also agree that properly regulated euthanasia needs to be legalised.
 

Rach1985

Registered User
Jun 9, 2019
404
I think talking about these feelings helps so I’m glad it’s not been closed. I struggle to deal with my feelings on this. My dad is early stages now and you think of trade offs, like give me 3 good years and a heart attack vs 8 hard years for him and us. Then I feel like I’m being selfish, he has worked his whole life for me, and now I’m wishing a heart attack on him. But I feel like it’s what he would want too. But is it really? I’m glad I have a place to discuss this and the guilt I feel
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
2,025
Yes a heart attack would be a blessing, not right now but in the not too far off future. Thing is dad is a real fighter, he has seen off pneumonia, a heart attack and a stroke earlier this year despite being extremely frail because of his cancer and dementia. I can see him going on and on until the end and that is something that I and I am sure that he would not want.

Much better to go quietly in his sleep one night and yes I feel very guilty for feeling like this.
 

Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
2,078
Dorset
The Banjoman, who has been deteriorating mentally since moving into a Care home, fell and broke his hip on Friday. When I visited him in hospital Saturday afternoon I was shocked at how bad he was now. I was aware that he would more than likely be affected by what had happened but he was a shell of the man I had seen a fortnight before, and he wasn’t great then!
Yesterday I received a phone call from the anaesthetist who would be looking after him during the operation to repair his hip. She wanted to inform me of the risks involved in the operation. I’m not quite sure what she made of my insistence that she was aware of his Advance Directive and that DNAR was in place. “Don’t worry, we will look after him” she said, maybe not realising that I wanted to be absolutely sure they would definitely not be making great efforts to resuscitate him if anything went wrong!
It sounds awful but it would be a huge relief to me, his family and friends if he didn’t make it through the operation because we know he is only going to get worse physically and mentally and why would we want that to happen to him?
The operation has now been rescheduled for tomorrow, with him being ‘Nil by mouth’ all day today until it was cancelled. As he hasn’t eaten much so far anyway, I hope they can get him to eat this evening or he will be even weaker for the op.
There, you see how one’s feelings are tugged so many different ways, I still cannot help thinking about giving him the best chance despite what I have written above! Although frail he is a tough old buzzard so I won’t be surprised to still be reading and maybe posting on TP for a while yet!
 

northumbrian_k

Registered User
Mar 2, 2017
1,037
Newcastle
I can empathise @Banjomansmate as I went through a similar scenario and emotions with my Mother back in 2007. She had dementia and broke her hip but was too weak to go through an operation, due to underlying heart problems and bronchopneumonia. I wanted the best for her but being sure what was 'best' was difficult. Ultimately, when she died a day or two later with all her close family beside her this was the best outcome for her and for my Dad too. As he said, she was at peace at last. I am sure that many on Talking Point will be thinking of you both tonight.
 

Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
2,078
Dorset
Thanks K. The trouble is that I know he will not get “better” after the operation, he can only get worse. He refuses and fights off assistance in any form and until now won’t accept any walking aid, I just fear he is going to be bed bound, although I am sure his Care home staff will do their best to keep him on his feet or hoist and lift him so he can get out of his room if he chooses. He has isolated himself up there for the majority of the past five months.
 

Countryside1

Registered User
Jul 14, 2017
4
I hope my mother will die every day. (There - I've said it.)

Mum went from dodgy and in denial but independent to completely unable to function overnight. She had a fall which resulted in hospital for 2 months and I moved her from there straight into a care home near me. That was more than 2 years ago. Since then, her confabulations and delusions have become constant, her mood is variable, she is incontinent now and has no memory. She is never happy and has no interest in anyone or anything.

However... she is also mostly fit and healthy, despite breaking her hip a year ago, and has no meds apart from the occasional paracetamol or laxative. In other words, she ain't dying.

We've always discussed death and dying in our family and all share the same pragmatic attitude about quality over quantity. I have mum's Living Will (now called an Advance Directive) stating her wishes not to receive any further medical treatment should she lose mental capacity or become dependent on others for the rest of her life, so both those criteria have been met.

But instead of the dignified death she desperately wanted, she's ended up with dementia which none of us foresaw. Whilst it's clear cut enough to make decisions about voluntary euthanasia when a person has capacity and something like MND, with dementia it is impossibly difficult. Even if it were legal, it would involve someone else taking the 'now' decision and that's a complete minefield - entirely subjective and, of course, open to abuse.

So here we are. Instead of being able to respect my mother's wishes to 'put her out of her misery', should she ever become 'like that', (she made me promise I would shoot her!!) I am now faced with watching her horrible decline (and it IS horrible), possibly over umpteen years. And at enormous expense, of course.

Dementia has ruined the end of my mother's life and it is ruining mine (and my distant sibling's, to an extent.) If I sound cold and callous, I'm sorry - we are not a close family and she was never 'my lovely mum'. But if I'm honest, I just don't see who benefits from keeping her alive - certainly not mum. I often find myself wishing that when she fell getting off that bus (2 and a half years ago) and hit her head slightly, that she'd hit it much harder, or that she'd have a major stroke or something that would finish her off. The thought of watching this decline continue over several more years just fills me with terror, dread and blackness.

(Sorry for any offence I may have caused.)