1. Expert Q&A: Living well as a carer - Thurs 29 August, 3-4pm

    As a carer for a person living with dementia, the needs of the person you care for will often come before your own. You may experience a range of difficult emotions and you may not have the time to do all the things you need to do. Caring can have a big impact on both your mental and physical health, as well as your overall wellbeing.

    Angelo, our Knowledge Officer (Wellbeing) is our expert on this topic. He will be here to answer your questions on Thursday 29 August between 3-4pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

Wrong hoping for an early death?

Discussion in 'Recently diagnosed and early stages of dementia' started by ScaredyCat, Apr 1, 2019.

  1. Laine1942

    Laine1942 New member

    May 23, 2019
    5
    My mum was diagnosed 3 months ago with Alzheimers, she also has 2 cysts on her liver one is ok to leave in but the other cyst they want to take out as it can turn to cancer, ive just had attorney of health come through and have spoken to others members of my family and we feel it would be far better for nature to take its course, if she had the op her brain would be starved of oxygen and probley be worse. Her 2 sisters had alzheimers and i always remember my mum saying "if I ever get this please shoot me" I feel like this cyst is her bullet, im heartbroken about all that's going on but I understand where people come from in wishing there loved ones would pass quickly. My heart goes out to all of you ❤️
     
  2. Rach1985

    Rach1985 Registered User

    Jun 9, 2019
    398
    My father has heart problems. He said always never put me in a care home. A week ago he got diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. There is a part of me now that hopes we get a good couple of years with him on his tablets, not a rapid decline, then he dies of a heart attack. It feels awful saying it, but I can’t help thinking it
     
  3. Norfolk Cherry

    Norfolk Cherry Registered User

    Feb 17, 2018
    287
    Female
    My mum has lived with dementia since she was 73 (very early stages but not diagnosed) and is now 82. I would love for her to die in her sleep now as although settled in her home, she is not happy. She can't afford the constant one to one activity sessions that she needs to make life bearable, and I have children and grandchildren that need me. I'm glad to see this thread has not been closed down as similar ones have in the past, and also agree that properly regulated euthanasia needs to be legalised.
     
  4. Rach1985

    Rach1985 Registered User

    Jun 9, 2019
    398
    I think talking about these feelings helps so I’m glad it’s not been closed. I struggle to deal with my feelings on this. My dad is early stages now and you think of trade offs, like give me 3 good years and a heart attack vs 8 hard years for him and us. Then I feel like I’m being selfish, he has worked his whole life for me, and now I’m wishing a heart attack on him. But I feel like it’s what he would want too. But is it really? I’m glad I have a place to discuss this and the guilt I feel
     
  5. Duggies-girl

    Duggies-girl Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    1,470
    Yes a heart attack would be a blessing, not right now but in the not too far off future. Thing is dad is a real fighter, he has seen off pneumonia, a heart attack and a stroke earlier this year despite being extremely frail because of his cancer and dementia. I can see him going on and on until the end and that is something that I and I am sure that he would not want.

    Much better to go quietly in his sleep one night and yes I feel very guilty for feeling like this.
     
  6. Banjomansmate

    Banjomansmate Registered User

    Jan 13, 2019
    976
    Female
    Dorset
    The Banjoman, who has been deteriorating mentally since moving into a Care home, fell and broke his hip on Friday. When I visited him in hospital Saturday afternoon I was shocked at how bad he was now. I was aware that he would more than likely be affected by what had happened but he was a shell of the man I had seen a fortnight before, and he wasn’t great then!
    Yesterday I received a phone call from the anaesthetist who would be looking after him during the operation to repair his hip. She wanted to inform me of the risks involved in the operation. I’m not quite sure what she made of my insistence that she was aware of his Advance Directive and that DNAR was in place. “Don’t worry, we will look after him” she said, maybe not realising that I wanted to be absolutely sure they would definitely not be making great efforts to resuscitate him if anything went wrong!
    It sounds awful but it would be a huge relief to me, his family and friends if he didn’t make it through the operation because we know he is only going to get worse physically and mentally and why would we want that to happen to him?
    The operation has now been rescheduled for tomorrow, with him being ‘Nil by mouth’ all day today until it was cancelled. As he hasn’t eaten much so far anyway, I hope they can get him to eat this evening or he will be even weaker for the op.
    There, you see how one’s feelings are tugged so many different ways, I still cannot help thinking about giving him the best chance despite what I have written above! Although frail he is a tough old buzzard so I won’t be surprised to still be reading and maybe posting on TP for a while yet!
     
  7. Banjomansmate

    Banjomansmate Registered User

    Jan 13, 2019
    976
    Female
    Dorset
    The operation was done today and he is still with us!
     
  8. northumbrian_k

    northumbrian_k Registered User

    Mar 2, 2017
    716
    Male
    Newcastle
    I can empathise @Banjomansmate as I went through a similar scenario and emotions with my Mother back in 2007. She had dementia and broke her hip but was too weak to go through an operation, due to underlying heart problems and bronchopneumonia. I wanted the best for her but being sure what was 'best' was difficult. Ultimately, when she died a day or two later with all her close family beside her this was the best outcome for her and for my Dad too. As he said, she was at peace at last. I am sure that many on Talking Point will be thinking of you both tonight.
     
  9. Banjomansmate

    Banjomansmate Registered User

    Jan 13, 2019
    976
    Female
    Dorset
    Thanks K. The trouble is that I know he will not get “better” after the operation, he can only get worse. He refuses and fights off assistance in any form and until now won’t accept any walking aid, I just fear he is going to be bed bound, although I am sure his Care home staff will do their best to keep him on his feet or hoist and lift him so he can get out of his room if he chooses. He has isolated himself up there for the majority of the past five months.
     
  10. Countryside1

    Countryside1 Registered User

    Jul 14, 2017
    1
     

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