writing a letter to the person you knew. dealing with the anger and guilt.

[lushr]

i wrote a letter to my mum today. not to send, but yo resolve my feelings. about leaving her in a nursing home, her illness, and my inability to meet her needs.

im sharing in the hope that someone else trying to process the guilt and anger in caring for themselves over their loved one will be able to use this tool themselves one day.

it’s been a really hard month or so, emotionally, having to step out of my mums life. i have no family, she has no one but me and the nursing home staff. and i have to leave her in their care while i take some considerable time healing myself.

so how to deal with the guilt of stepping away? how to deal with the anger of our unresolved relationship?

it took some nice words from people on carer forums and a silly movie and a snuggle on the couch before the depression and anger and pain receded and i was calm again. and i thought i could write mum a letter.

it is a letter to her, both her now, and the many versions of her in the past.

reasoning that i know this hurts her, but it also hurts me.

that i understand her pain, but that i need to breathe.

it acknowledges that she has been ‘gone’ since dad died, and nothing i did ever filled that void.
her grief was so deep it blotted mine out of existence.

it makes peace with her mistakes,

and gives me, the future me a chance to grow and prosper in the way that i know some part of her would like.

i was desperate to find a way to resolve these feelings and it was hard because the way she is now, she could never be reasoned with. but in the letter, i can have that conversation. the tough conversation, the tender conversation that we needed to have.

for now i feel calm, it is such a relief.

 

[canary]

I am so glad that you have found a way to work through your feeelings
xx

 

[Grannie G]

for now i feel calm, it is such a relief.

That is so important for you @lushr

 

[Norfolk Cherry]

@lushr I just want to send support and let you know I have had a similar experience. A complicated relationship, loss of father, then sole support of mum with dementia. You aren't alone. We can't fix it all and we can't afford to go under. The "guilt of stepping away" sums it up, but with the help of this forum and mental health sites we will get through to a better place I'm sure. Take care and write all the letters you need to! I did it journaling.

 

[jennifer1967]

its a good idea lushr. when ive had therapy not for caring, they have suggested i write a letter but not send it or if i had worries then put them on a bit of paper and destroy to feel better. i hope it helps. i have never written that letter but maybe one day especially if you have a different relationship.

 

[lushr]

thankyou @canary @Grannie G and @Norfolk Cherry
i wish i could say it was over. but i know that only five years after dad died have i started to feel more resolved and content with my loss of him.

honestly i don’t know how you all do it. i feel “weak” compared to those of you that care for parents who no longer treat you like you.

 

[Grannie G]

You certainly are not weak, @lushr .

Everyone is worn down by caring and having a person with dementia who has no idea how much their illness affects the carer as much as themselves is a thankless task. It`s why we can all have a good moan on TP and know we are in good company.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

@lushr I have written letters in the past about things that bother me. I find the process of writing very useful in sorting out how I feel, and articulating it as best I can. I would spend time polishing the letters. Once I actually gave my husband one. I never wrote one about my mother though.

 

[lushr]

thank you @Grannie G i feel like people out there look after their kids and their. mums and work full time, but i guess they often have other family and friends to help. and the joys of other people refills their bucket daily.

which isn’t our situation. even if i had a partner to moan to and tell me in doing a good thing would help. i love being single.... but i’m starting to realise my future can’t be this isolated. it’s just not a good time to lean on friends when they’ve lost loved ones, or have never had any experience with this stuff.

@Canadian Joanne my psychologist was always trying to get me to talk to my dad after he was gone, and im able to do that a bit now.

like i can hear him telling me off for how much money i spent over christmas and i kept hearing that voice over and over, and i wasn’t “dealing” with the voice even though id dealt with the spending problem.

so i “talked” to dad and acknowledged my mistake and told him the plan i have in place so it won’t be a future problem, and i felt so much better!

its funny how our brains work sometimes.... i had to emotionally deal with my dads feelings about my actions even though i’d already remedied my actions!