Would you hold it against me because I cared?

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by simonmonty, Jun 21, 2011.

  1. simonmonty

    simonmonty Registered User

    Nov 22, 2008
    #1 simonmonty, Jun 21, 2011
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2011
    If your mother had Alzheimers and you were prepared to care for her and your family were not would they hold it against you? Well mine did and still do :O(

    So why is it after all this time I'm the one still left feeling bad, guilty and worthless :(
  2. lin1

    lin1 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2010
    East Kent
    Hello Simon
    I do not know why some families are like this , tho most of my family are gone now , we were always a family that were their for each other except for one but every family has one dont they .

    The answer to your question is a big fat NO , who in their right mind would blame someone for caring and doing all you did .

    I understand this must hurt you terribly , but try to remember you did what they were not prepaired to do and that in my view makes you a far better person !!! They have no right to blame you

    Dont let them get to you any more , just like that one in my family, my dads ex brother they are not worth it
  3. FifiMo

    FifiMo Registered User

    Feb 10, 2010

    This is more about them than it is about you. You will probably find that it reflects the fact that they didn't step up to the plate and therefore want to feel better by criticising the one who did. You made a selfless decision to care for your mum. You put her needs before yours. You have done absolutely nothing to be criticised for in that regard.

    There is a Buddhist saying that might help you...If someone offers you the "gift" of an insult and you refuse to accept that gift, then who is left holding it? Let them say what they want, your conscience is clear and you can hold your head up high and walk the higher path. If all else fails, when they cast aspersions, SMILE and walk away - it annoys them to hell! hahaha

  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    It`s their guilt Simon.
  5. holiday

    holiday Registered User

    Apr 29, 2011
    You've got nothing to feel bad about, you did the best that you could do for your loved one. Hold your head up high and be proud about who you are :)
  6. Tell

    Tell Registered User

    Jun 20, 2011
    Families can be very difficult at times and I think its a complete lack of understanding & education I am afraid.

    I am facing a few problems from my family since telling them I was going to become a full time carer for my mother in law, but like I said to them if I can improve her life even just by a little bit for a short space of time then for me it is still worth it, also I would like to think that if one day I am in the same situation that someone would want to help me.
    I am lucky though as although they are still concerned they do support me.

    Know one thing Simon you have done the right thing you gave someone that second chance in life and that should not carry burden or guilt.
    Well done you, you should be very proud of yourself!!

  7. Owly

    Owly Registered User

    Jun 6, 2011
    My husband makes me feel 'in the wrong' for wanting to go and see my parents every week. He says I should just 'let them get on with it', ie coping by themselves.

    He says I come back stressed. Yes, I do sometimes but at least I know I went and tried to do helpful things for them for a day, which they appreciated.

    I feel tugged between his disapproval, and their need. :(
  8. bunnies

    bunnies Registered User

    May 16, 2010
    I am only just beginning to understand that this is how things are. You think that by being willing to do the work that others won't do that they would be grateful, or if not, at least be neutral towards you. But I have found the same thing - my brothers have been so full of anger with me and I haven't been able to understand why. All the time my relative was needing care at home, I wasn't the carer but I organised everything and it was a lot of stressful work. I was very happy to do it though, and I told my brothers what was going on and never blamed them for not helping or not visiting. Now she is in a nursing home they seem to look for any opportunity to be mean to me, make me feel bad. It's senseless isn't it? I can only understand it as that by being the person that helps out and is there for someone, that gives you - in their eyes - more power. I know we wouldn't have experienced it like that, but some people just can't bear someone they are used to looking down on suddenly being in the centre of something (even if it is something they don't want to be in the centre of themselves). It is an injustice, but I am having to learn that the only reasonable way to respond is to try and ignore them.
  9. sunny

    sunny Registered User

    Sep 1, 2006
    Because Simon you showed them up for what they are - selfish good for nothing jetsam and flotsam - and now they probably are putting the boot in for for you and probably because you spent some of their inheritance on looking after Mum and they dont like it now you probably feel like an orphan with no real family, but however there are still friends out there so mix with them more and forget your "family" - move on and stop feeling so guilty and just get on with the rest of your life. If they didnt feel anything for Mum then they sure as hell arent going to think anything of you. You did the best you could.
  10. Contrary Mary

    Contrary Mary Registered User

    Jun 11, 2010
    Greater London
    Well, Simon, I don't have the problem of families to argue with, as I only have cousins (and no they don't take any notice of their aunt) but I think I know the ones who should be feeling bad, guilty and worthless.

    And it most certainly ain't you!!!!!
  11. Adnkt

    Adnkt Registered User

    Apr 24, 2011
    Simon, before I joined this forum I couldn't believe that anyone could be as viscious as my sister has been to me since mum came to live with me in February. There are many of us suffering the same kind of abuse as you. In the beginning I thought I must be doing something to warrant her appaling behaviour but now I know I'm not. You didn't get help from your family when it was needed and now you don't need them. You were the strong one for your mum now you need to be strong for yourself. Bad guilty and worthless are signs of depression. Perfectly understandable reactions that your GP can help you with. Mine is a god send. You are a good, caring person. Now be kind to yourself. X
  12. Pacucho

    Pacucho Registered User

    Dec 20, 2009
    Wembley, Middlesex

    I do not see why you need to feel bad, guilty or worthless. You did a fantastic thing and if the rest of your family do not feel this way then I am afraid this is their loss, and not yours.

    When I decided to care for my mum at home I had to go against the wishes of the rest of my family. I admit it did affect for quite some time, but I got over it as I new I made the right decision.
    Hope this helps,

  13. PostTenebrasLux

    PostTenebrasLux Registered User

    Mar 16, 2010
    London & Oxford
    Dear Simon,

    you KNOW it is them - it is THEIR guilt that they thrust upon you and it makes THEM feel better by insulting you. YOU know how you loved and cared for YOUR mother and how she responded to you.

    SOMEBODY had to look after your mother - YOU took on that role - THEY had the "easy" ride.
    Just think of all the good and help you have bestowed upon your late friend (Paul?). Thanks to YOU he was able to be reunited with his child - how could you be worthless in granting a dying man his last wish? Just think how invaluable you have been to him and ultimately to his family, how much you valued each other. Simon, of course you feel vulnerable being prodded, bullied, hit and hurt (emotionally), but I can assure you, as I have spoken with you, that you are a "good" person with every best intention for those for whom it truly matters.

    Have faith in yourself - your mother and friend have given you the "gift" of being a caring carer. Distance yourself from your negative family as the loss is theirs. Hold on to what is precious for you.

    Thinking of you Simon, sending you love and support.
  14. simonmonty

    simonmonty Registered User

    Nov 22, 2008
    Thank you Martina and everyone I know what your all saying is true but it just goes round and round my head what they have said and done or haven't done.

    Fine they all wanted to just get on with their lives no problem with that but its the way they treated my mother how they just wrote her off. They just wanted to put my mother in a care home and forget about her was their attitude and now they are just trying to forget that my mother was even ill. Like everything that my mother went through never happened and when I have tried to bring it up in the past they just slammed me down and treat me like I know nothing and say how disgusted my mother would have been with me. Though I know my mother would be nothing but proud of me for staying to look after her.

    My mother always said to me that I know I put a lot on you but thank you for everything that you have done for me.

    I once put a poem about Alzheimers " A Prayer For An Alzheimers Sufferer" on my face book account for my cousin after trying to explain about Alzheimers but I got nothing but total abuse and was told not to try and lecture her and that's putting it politely to what she put up. You would have thought she would be more understanding as she is a district nurse and one of my aunts is a fully trained carer and another of my aunts husband had Vascular dementia. Needless to say I deleted my cousin and aunt off my face book account out of total disgust.
    My so called family really do live in the dark ages were awareness about Alzheimers is concerned and they really don't want to know even if you try and explain how it really is.
  15. Jancis

    Jancis Registered User

    Jun 30, 2010
    Hi Simon,
    You know what, that is so true of thousands of people. Don't let us forget that the members who contribute to this forum are a tiny section of society and all discovered it through anxiety and a desperation to learn. I am constantly amazed how people I know, who haven't had to deal directly with the disease or haven't been 'touched' by it believe that sufferers are a pain in the backside and brought it on themselves in some way.

    I do feel sad for you that you cannot relate to your cousin. I have many cousins who are complete strangers to me but I have one who is like a sister despite the fact that she lives "up north" and I live "down south". Families can be stranger than characters in fiction.
  16. Goingitalone

    Goingitalone Registered User

    Feb 11, 2010
    Hello, Simon,

    You once comforted me when my Mum was going into her first period of respite and MY sibs had called me 'bossy', controlling and similar because I had asked them to visit her while I was on holiday. Your words were a real comfort to me because I had almost come to believe that what they were saying was true.

    Well, almost 18 months have passed since then and several harsh words from my sis in particular which I took to heart also. When I look back over the time Mum was living at home and I was responsible for keeping everything together the thing that hurts most is not that my sibs weren't a support to me but that they actually made things so much worse by their argumentative attitude, veiled criticism and the suggestion that I was some way 'controlling.' They were in denial about Mum's dementia.

    As others have said, unless you've lived with dementia you can't possibly understand. I think the severity of Mum's illness is finally dawning on my sibs-but not before I've had yet another 'roasting' from sis because she feels so distressed that Mum has had to go into care. It hasn't occurred to her that it's painful for me, too. :(

    Simon, they really aren't worth beating yourself up for. Really they are not.

    Everyone on here can relate to your feelings. We're all on this awful road at some point and we all know what a wonderful thing you have done.

    Someone said that it's probably their guilt that makes them behave like this. I'm sure that is right.

    They SHOULD feel guilty. But YOU shouldn't. You did what you could for your Mum because you care.

    And in my book that's the most precious thing in the world.

    Wishing you peace and comfort, Simon.


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