Would really appreciate some help & advice ....

Discussion in 'Welcome and how to use Dementia Talking Point' started by LJG67, Oct 16, 2019.

  1. LJG67

    LJG67 New member

    Oct 16, 2019
    1
    My mum, who has vascular dementia and is currently in hospital, is being assessed to move into a residential care home. I am considering having her move in with me (I am currently not working). I just wondered whether anyone knows what kind of 'assessment' needs to be carried out regarding my home and if anyone has experienced going through this assessment?

    TIA!

    LJG
     
  2. Jale

    Jale Registered User

    Jul 9, 2018
    294
    Female
    Not exactly sure as Mum was moved from hospital to a Nursing Home. Prior to this Mum lived at home with her son but he couldn't really help, Mum stayed with us for about 8 weeks after a spell in hospital for pneumonia, it was just hubby and me and although he helped where he could the personal care - washing, dressing etc was down to me and to be honest I struggled. At home she had carers going in 4 times a day, but she never accepted them and so again it sometimes fell to me. It probably depends on how far the dementia has progressed as to what would be needed, but from the top of my head when mum was being assessed the following questions were asked

    Where was mum sleeping, upstairs/downstairs - Mum had a stair lift fitted but couldn't operate it without help
    What steps were in the house and was she safe using them
    Toilet - upstairs/downstairs - if only upstairs how would she manage
    Was mum mobile, did she wander out of the house
    Would Mum be self funding or LA funded - this I think applies to who pays for carers to go in, so a care package could be sorted.
    Is your Mum incontinent - if so she would need to be assessed at a continence clinic (Mum was so am assuming it would be the same in other parts of the country)
    I know there were many more but at the moment they are not coming to mind.

    Is it just you at home or do you have family who would be happy/able to help. It is a massive commitment to take on, I had to do things for my Mum that I thought I would never have to do and I still wish that she was at home as her fear was going into hospital and going into a home, but I knew I could not have carried on as things were. It is important that if you do decide that your Mum would come and live with you and a care package is needed for your Mum try and make sure that she is not discharged from hospital without one being in place, it may be better, if possible for your Mum to go to the care home for assessment and to see if she settles.

    I'm sure more experienced people will be along to offer better advice. Good Luck and take care
     
  3. Glokta

    Glokta Registered User

    Jul 22, 2019
    61
    I agree with Jale, I have over the last few years had my Uncle go into care with Lewy Body, and am currently caring for my mum with mixed dementia, at home. I would strongly advise you not to have mum at home. In care there will be carers there 24/7, a mix of staff means none get completely burned out, she will have company of her own age, see a GP regularly, maybe enjoy activities. You can visit as much as you want and join in. My Aunty Jan even went and had her Christmas with Uncle Ted, and on occasions stayed with him on a put me up bed. If mums at your home there is you. That’s where the buck stops, and getting help may not be easy. You’ll probably end up exhausted, depressed and stressed, not only struggling to keep yourself ok, but struggling to keep mum ok too. And any move will mean she may get worse or become unsettled. If you move her to your house, and then she has to go into care anyway, that’s two moves, two upsets. Think carefully. Sorry to be all doom and gloom.
     
  4. silver'lantern

    silver'lantern Registered User

    Apr 23, 2019
    101
    Female
    totally agree. be very sure you have back up support before you commit to 24/7its not fun being sole carer. and it could upset your relationship. you could still visit and take her out and have al the fun side if she is in a care home. without the stresses and sleepless nights and all else that goes with sole 24/7 care .... its to much for one
    think hard before you do
     
  5. Rosettastone57

    Rosettastone57 Registered User

    Oct 27, 2016
    1,047
    Don't do it. If your mum needs a care home, then she needs a whole team looking after her 24/7. Can you provide that? There are members who have experience of this scenario, who will no doubt give you their wisdom
     
  6. LynneMcV

    LynneMcV Volunteer Moderator

    May 9, 2012
    3,598
    south-east London
    A few years ago my husband had to go into a secure unit for a couple of months and I said it was my aim to have him back home with me rather than a care home when he was discharged.

    Before making a final decision a couple of OTs visited the house (my husband came with them) to see how he coped with the layout and what might need doing.

    They checked his ability to negotiate steps into the house, into the garden, climb the stairs, get in and out of bed, use the toilet, access the bath/shower, get in and out of a chair.

    Fortunately I was well prepared anyway because I had already fitted grab rails before they were needed. I told the OTs of my plans to convert the dining room downstairs into a bedroom should my husband reach a stage where stairs were impossible, and they could see this was feasible.

    I'd also removed any trip hazards such as loose rugs.

    Had I not had these things in place already, they would have helped me with them. In fact, as the armchair was a little low for him, they provided 'elephant feet' to make it higher.

    They also watched him make a cuppa (supervised). They knew there would always be someone with him but I think they were just checking to see exactly how much supervision was needed.

    The process of him returning home wasn't just about the layout of the house but also what we had in place as far as looking after him - and in our situation it was clear that someone could be with him 24/7 as well as get him out and about to different places for stimulation and enjoyment.

    It is a lot to take on as the disease progresses. I was my husband's primary carer and did 99.9 per cent of the caring - but I also had our adult son and daughter around to talk to (which stopped me feeling isolated) - as well as giving me an hour's break here and there, even if I just used it to sleep!
     
  7. Jale

    Jale Registered User

    Jul 9, 2018
    294
    Female
    Just a bit more info that might help in your decision - for at least the last 6 months in her own home mum was hardly eating/drinking, had numerous UTI's because of it. She would hardly talk to myself and hubby who went every day to look after her even though carers were going in, her son who did little to help was her golden one who she told everyone and anyone that he did everything for her. That really hurt, and although I knew she couldn't help it I did on occasions resent having to do everything.

    Since Mum has been in the nursing home she is eating and drinking and sleeping through the night even though she insists she doesn't get a wink of sleep, she will occasionally join in activities. For me the fact that she is safe, has only had one UTI in over 12 months and the home was onto that so quick it hardly had an effect on her, that is priceless. The time that I can spend with Mum is more relaxed now (although according to her she only has one child - her son) - although she does think she is in hospital and I haven't told her any different.
     
  8. Alex54

    Alex54 Registered User

    Oct 15, 2018
    167
    Male
    Newtown, Wales
    You will often get the impression that the whole process is just one big juggernaut, with the hospital hell-bent on using a care home. All I can say is that this should be yours and your mum's decision. Make sure you make the choice which is best for both of you, regardless of what other people advise.
     
  9. Palerider

    Palerider Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    889
    Male
    North West
    As the others have said its a huge committment, I am coming to the end of just over four years of looking after mum, who obviously has different needs in some respects. Moving someone with dementia is also very difficult, which is why as mum is now advancing I have not moved her. This week things have changed considerably and we are now approaching a CH as I realise slowly that I would not be able to care for her much longer as I have done as her needs are changing to ones I can't meet anymore.

    Its a personal decision and a very difficult one, but if you choose that path then take it and I hope you have good times together as mum and I have until you have to re-think it
     

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