Worst thing thats ever happend to me in my life

[elwoodlpool]

Hi all as you know my mum is ill she is 51 and even though no one has ever said she has Alzhiemers. The signs are all there she has now been taken into hospital and i visited her yesterday and it crushed my heart she seems worse now she look alot older and didnt really know me and my sister. We both broke down in front of her i tried not too but it got too much for me. As i entered the room there was mum with her head down on the table and asleep when we woke her she just had how can i explain Dead eyes. Its the worst thing in the world to me and my family as they have told us she may have to spend the rest of her life in care. Which means my dad could be thrown out of the family house as its rented and he would then be on his own and he seems to have given up too his care allowance will stop and he says who will give a 57 year old a job????? I dont know what else i can do to help my family its horrible, Even when i left i gave mum a cuddle but got nothing back even typing this is bringing tears to my eyes.

Mark

 

[jenniferpa]

Oh Mark, how dreadful for you all. No real advice, I'm afraid, except to start pushing social services for every bit of assistance they can come up with (although I expect you're already doing this). Not to give any false hope, but it's possibly your Mum was having a particularly bad day - I know sometimes my Mother looks at me and I think "there's no one in there" and then other days she's much better.

Jennifer

 

[Margarita]

No they can not throw your dad out of his home, he has rights , ok he well have to sigh on, and 57 years old is not old , ageism (sp) is a thing of the pass , the law has change, on an Application form for a job , they are now not allowed to ask your age, it was on the news last mouth. Get your father down to the job centre to sigh on while he looks for a job

Your both in grief and shock about your mother and its understandable, ok I am trying to be to logical. I am on the out side not living in your situation so it’s easy to me to say there things, but there hope for the future for your father .

 

[elwoodlpool]

I just think its really hit home that she is not going to get better. I noticed this first as she started to ask me "Mark what should i be doing now" and strange things like making me a drink then 2o minnutes later making me another one. It all seems to stem from when my grandad died(Mums Dad). He passed away about 5 years ago and since that day i can pin point the day mum went down hill. At first she was treated for depression but it just seems to have spiraled out of control i try to keep a straight face but as soon as i think of her it kills me. Im a proffessional entertainer and tomorrow im performing in watford with my show and i feel like not going and staying home its like all my get up and go has........gone.


God help us all living with our loved ones trapped like this

Mark

 

[Carolann]

Hi Mark,
Just want to let you know that you and your family are in my thoughts. Please try not to worry to much about your Dad losing his home - I'm sure he has rights and that it won't come to that. We went through desperate times with my Mum who has died recently so I have an idea how you are feeling but your Mum is much younger than mine. Sorry not much advice - just wanted to let you know that people do care.
Take Care,
Carolann

 

[elwoodlpool]

Its just the feeling of when is the final day going to come its torture and i does feel like im greiving for my mum but thats wrang because she is still alive.

I just dont know how to cope all things got on top of me last week i fell out with my fiancé and i have a lot of financial worrys wanting to give my kids a good christmas. Just like mum gave me and my sister. And last week i found myself on the edge of a bridge and was gonna throw myself off it. Im being treated at the moment for depression and all these things just get so amplified its a catch 22 situation. Just feel in total despair.


Mark

 

[Cate]

Hi Mark

What a dreadful time you are going through. I can offer no words of advice that other TP friends have already given you. Just wanted to say thinking of you.

Keep strong.
Cate

 

[Margarita]

Oh Mark

I know how you feel, Just try to recognize it as being normal feeling .

There is a saying in Spanish , may not sound so good in English, but with all your problem going on in your mind its like your eating you brain out . As the English would say, you got to park your mother future and take one day at a time with it.

Your mother would want you to be strong for your children to give them a lovely Christmas, go to the show tomorrow and dance sing act your pain out, smile. This emotional pain is not going to go away.

I have that issue with money, , Christmas 4 children worry about money but you know what as long as your children have you around have your love , like you had your mother love as a child that’s all that matter . In your heart, you know that. Grieve for the past, with us , and show the world a smile .
(((HUGS))

 

[elwoodlpool]

Im no doctor but after reading on web sites abouth the disease i can honestly say my mum has it so why cant the doctors after five years do the same ???????????


Mark

 

[Margarita]

Have you ask your doctor to refer your mother to the consultant for the elderly so your mother can have a brain scan?

 

[elwoodlpool]

its like i have had to scream at my dad in the past to do anything but as far as im aware she aint had a scan at all.

Thanks you all again

Mark

 

[Cate]

Hi Mark

Just a thought (one which you probably have already had, so forgive me if I'm stating the obvious).

Has your mum been seen by a psychiatrist who specialises in AD? As mum is so young, might the doctors, if she is on a general medical ward, not be doing the right kind of tests. The easiest way to find a specialist in any field is to telephone your Local Health Board, get a name of a Consultant and ask mum's GP to make the referral.

Sorry, can offer no further help than that.
Best wishes
Cate

 

[Amy]

Hiya Mark,
You have a lot of pressure on you, but there is a way through it. One easy one to sort is your children and Christmas. You don't need a lot of money to make it good for your children - what they need from you is time. What ages are they?

It is natural to start grieving for your mum, even though she is still alive. I think we all do it. Mum as you knew her, as you want her to be , is going away. We have to let go, and then love what remains. It does hurt so, but give yourself time.

It sounds as though when you are feeling a little stronger you need to sit down with the doctors and find out exactly what is going on - what tests have been done, is she being treated for depression, dementia or some other form of mental illness?

Dad will need you to help rebuild his life (sounds as though you need each other at present). If he is worried, get down to the Citizens Advice and find out what his rights are.

Mark, this will pass. There is a way through it, though it may not feel that way at the moment. Don't be afraid to cry - tears heal.
Remember if you need to talk to someone, Samaritans run a 24 hour service - it does help just to have someone listen.
Take care.
Love Helen

 

[elwoodlpool]

Hi all thanks for your comments i woke up this morning and again its like ive been punched in the stomach. I am really trying to get a grip and i dont seem to be winning with it. Im off TO Watford today with my band and i feel like just not going but i cant do that as im self employed. Everytime i do something or go somewere i feel guilty as though im abandoning my mum. I wonder is this normal or am i going mad ???????


MARK

 

[Margarita]

For someone who been at , where you are now with those guilt felt in the past , I would say yes its normal, and your not going mad . I do not feel guilt anymore and would not even if my mother went into a care home.

Guilt ,fear, frustration, depression is all part of stress from careering Even if they live with you or not

I am doing a good course on Self -management of long heath Conditions , its really good .

 

[nicetotalk]

Hi Mark

So sorry about your mum, i think its harder to watch someone so young have alzheimers. My mum was 54 when finaly diagnozed yet she had memory problems a long time befor that. There is not much i can say but try i say try even though i know it is hard to take each day as it comes.

kathy

 

[elwoodlpool]

My Worries

As this is all new to me im wondering what its going to be next? Ive read up on a few Alzhiemers web sites about stages 1,2,and 3 and my mum seems to be at stage 3 already and i can honestly say its really accelerated to this stage so quick. As bad as this sounds i wish Mum would just go peacefully in her sleep its hard to take all this and. As i live in Derbyshire its hard to get down to see her as money is so tight. Ive got the worry of my mum and getting my 3 daughters sorted for Christmas Saffron 5 and my twin girls Harriet and Georgia 18months old.
The thing thats scaring me is suicide is playing on my mind all the time and i know i need help.


Mark

 

[Lila13]

Is it you who's suicidal or your mother?

Hope Samaritans can help.

Look after yourself for the children's sake anyway.

 

[jenniferpa]

Mark, I believe you said you were taking anti-depressants - you need to go back to your GP and tell him/her exactly what you are feeling - not every anti-depressant has the desired effect.

Keep the phone number for the Samaritans handy (08457 90 90 90) and CALL them.

Mark, this isn't directed specifically at you, but having seen my best friend's family implode after her 17 year old son committed suicide, I can tell you that the pain that is left behind lasts a lifetime. Not for the person comitting suicide, but the people left behind. They are NEVER better off - not only do they have grief, the act itself produces a great deal of anger in those left behind, which makes it almost impossibly for them to grieve appropriately.

Jennifer

 

[Cate]

Hi Mark

You said in an earlier post that you are having treatment for depression, might it be an idea to go back to who ever is treating you and have a long chat. If you are being treated by your GP, I think you should be honest about your thoughts, I'm sure he/she will make an urgent referral onto a professional for you, might it be time for this? If you are already seeing a professional in this field, I'm sure they will offer the support that you need right now, you need to ask. It took trying four different anti depressants before one was found that did the trick for me, I also see a Psychologist every week, trust me, the help is there, you just need to reach out and ask for it.

On a practical note, sounds like you are running yourself into the ground, workiing, travelling a distance to see your mum, and with your own health problems. I'm not sure what benefits you would be entitled to as you are self employed, but maybe a call to the DHSS to find out what benefits you would be entitled to if you went on the sick for a while!! They may also be able to advise you if there are grants available from somewhere for travel expenses to visit your mum. Its worth asking the question.

Christmas, the best gift you could give your children is to be there for them. lots of love, hugs and kisses from their dad, they are still so very young, I really wouldnt worry about giving them loads of gifts, these are times to be treasured with them, as I'm sure your mum treasured them with you. We all want our children to be happy and healthy, and I'm sure that this is what your mum would want for you.
Take care
Cate